In a dark place, I really wish I wasn’t having a second baby

[Itstigger]

When we started trying for no2, things seemed quite good. That was back in the autumn, I’m now due next month and I really, really wish I could go back on that decision. Of course I can’t, but I’m so, so worried about the days, months and years to come.

Being horribly honest here, I hate parenting my toddler. I say all the right things and I show enthusiasm and I engage, but I loathe it with every fibre of my being. He is two and a half and is incredibly destructive. He can’t seem to do anything without destroying it. Doors are slammed shut, the cats can’t have dry food left out because he throws it everywhere, he climbs onto chairs and throws things off the dining room table if we leave anything on it. It’s looking likely I’ll need a c section and god knows how we’ll cope in the house for six weeks, it will be destroyed. He also hurts the cats, so they are constantly exiled. I’m worried he’ll hurt the baby too.

I work three days a week, I used to live for my days off. Now I live for my days at work.

He wakes at 5 every day, I’m fed up of him by 8 o clock. I know that’s horrible. His latest trick is lifting my top up and shoving his head in or pulling my trousers down, I know he doesn’t mean any harm but it’s so triggering.

Please don’t anyone ask why I haven’t done this or that. I will have done this and that, he gives no fucks whatsoever.

I am hoping he’ll grow out of a lot of this, but then I have it coming again. If I knew how wretched and miserable having a toddler really was I wouldn’t have repeated it as I don’t have it in me to do this a second time.

You’re unlikely to get two kids the same- and your DS sounds incredibly challenging. Do you have anyone to share the load with? How long until he’s 3 and you’re entitled to free childcare for him?

He’ll be entitled to the childcare in January but it won’t make a huge amount of difference as he currently does 3 days a week anyway. It’s awful but it’s the other four I find so challenging.

It's normal to feel the way you do, bored, tired, wondering why people choose to dedicate their life to this existence. It does get easier, in that respect, but different problems arise.

Toddler proof your house as best you can, don't sweat the small stuff, enjoy every good minute and concentrate on the wins. It will pass, good luck with the new baby

Whatever childcare arrangement you have for the three days you work, can you keep that going while you’re on maternity leave? It’s not just about having fewer hours toddler wrangling, it’s good for your toddler to have a steady routine and some different environments and toys and people to interact with.
2.5year olds being destructive little whirlwinds is pretty standard. It is hard, and harder when it’s a bigger physical effort than normal to move them/stop them/clean up the rubble. I find it really helps to have places to go or places set up at home where you just don’t have to intervene so much. So fenced in playgrounds and parks are fantastic. Do you have a garden? Could you get a sandpit? That would likely hold his attention for a good stretch of time without much input from you. Inside, baths are great for this, although you’d have to set up in the bathroom to supervise. A comfy chair to sit on (deck chair could work? Plus a bouncer for new baby).
Can you take your toddler somewhere with lots of different toys and watch and see what type of thing really holds their attention? Then try to replicate it at home. So if they love pushing trains around a track, try to get a set for home. Or if they love pushing a doll in a pushchair, make sure you have one for home too. Or ask at nursery (of they go) what activities they spend most time on.
When it gets hard remember that you’re having another baby because you want 2 children. You will never have two 2,5 year olds at the same time, and neither child will be 2,5 for long. They do grow out of the terrible toddler phase, I promise.

Also, do you have a double buggy sorted? It sounds like you might need to be able to strap in the boisterous toddler and go out knowing she/he won’t bolt across the road.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling so bad. Have you talked to anyone IRL about your feelings? Does your DP/DH understand how you’re feeling and are they stepping up to do more so that the load isn’t all on you? Your midwife should also be able to refer you for support, antenatal depression isn’t uncommon.
https://www.nct.org.uk/pregnancy/how-you-might-be-feeling/antenatal-or-prenatal-depression-signs-symptoms-and-support

Can the toddler have more time in nursery? Would that be affordable?

For the weekends, can your partner or a family member (grandma?) take your toddler to a swimming pool for an hour one morning? Toddlers usually love it and it tires them out enormously so they nap better and don’t need so much physical jumping around later on in the day.
My terrible toddler also loves to dance around the living room to music. And I much prefer that to telling him to stop launching himself off the back of the sofa.

i don’t have a double pushchair as we barely use it to be honest. I was planning on using a sling plus pushchair if needed.

He does go in the garden when the weather permits, but it is still a hell of a long day.

It isn’t the toddler plus baby combo I’m worried about so much as the fact I’ve got another year of a toddler and then the baby becomes a toddler. It’s like I’ve extended my own prison sentence.

Carry I know you’re trying to be helpful but he does go swimming, it isn’t a magic solution . Nothing is, the fact is it’s what it is.

I don’t want to panic you but having a new baby in the house can sometimes make an older child’s behaviour worse. Esp if you’re stuck feeding and can’t get up quickly.

Some advice I was given before DC2:

• don’t blame anything on the baby (like saying I can’t do x right now as I’m feeding or changing) change this too, of course I will do x just give me 2 mins
• start a reward chart or anything to do with behaviour management now. Ask your nursery for advice and if anything works for them.
• buy your oldest a present from the baby
• speak to your HV or midwife you could have pre and post natal depression, keep an eye on your moods and seek help when and if needed
• get activity packs together or little things to keep oldest occupied. Something easy with little prep needed
• get snack packs together that are easy to grab

My DS was like yours, he's 3 now and mellowing a little. 18 months-2 and a half was awful and the only way I coped was to baby proof everything, lock every cupboard, chairs went up on the table so he couldn't climb, baby gates everywhere and lots of time outside. Once softplay opened up post COVID we were there a lot because it was something active where he got out of the house.

My dd was very different, hated soft play and sat nicely reading with me or painting. What I'm saying is your second will be different, your first will mellow a bit and in the meantime lock everything up to minimise the distraction.

I’m not necessarily looking for advice here, I’m just sharing thoughts really. I’m not in a good place and giving me lists is very overwhelming.

I can’t take him to soft play as he is very violent with other children.

Sling and pushchair will work well as long as you can manage the sling - which might not be immediately if you’re having a C-Section.
Sorry, I was trying to suggest ideas to reduce the destruction behavior and create more times in the day where you don’t have the stress of worrying he’s about to break something or hurt himself. But perhaps what you need is just some sympathy.
Kids are all different. This baby might be one of those adorable toddlers who do as you ask the first or third time and don’t require physical wrangling every 3minutes :) Your eldest might live being a big brother and be super proud to fetch you another nappy for the new baby and show off his baby to all and sundry.
It’ll be summer so you can set up camp in the garden with baby and toddler terror.

He sounds like an energetic toddler. The best thing you can do is start each day with a nice walk somewhere he can use that energy up. Never mind weather permitting, get the waterproofs on and get to the park.
The walk will di your mental health good too.

I have some childcare in place - toddler and baby is one thing. But then baby grows and I have to go through it all again, the 5am wakeups and the endless afternoons stopping toddler from destroying the house and everything in it and it’s 7am and pitch black outside and wondering just how the hell to get through the next twelve hours.

I know, not everyone finds it like this but I do feel I’m looking into quite a bleak future. If I wasn’t having another I could sort of do the deep breath thing and say well … maybe another year and a half and DS will be a bit more civil - maybe. As it is, I can’t do that.

Wow I never thought of that

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. Could you perhaps speak to your GP or Midwife or Health Visitor? Don't think too much about what you would say. Think only about that first sentence which will start the conversation.

The other thing I wanted to add was about an organisation called Home Start. My mum volunteers for them and whilst she's not told me the details I know that both the families she's worked with have a toddler or a newborn.

Sending love and virtual support x

I'm sorry it's so hard, op. You sound really worn down by it all.

It's hard not to think baby 2 won't be a rerun of your firstborn but they can be very different. And you're different as a result of more parenting experience. It will have its challenges but you will not be parenting dc1 all over again.

There are toddlers who are super cuddly, just want to tell stories and play make believe etc.

Re cats - can you feed them in a playpen or make a high shelf or something your child can't get to?

Can you afford more childcare for ds, even if you have to pay for a bit before free hours kick in?

Have you got a garden? When dc2 came along it was a huge help - some shade and something to play with like a play kitchen, climbing frame etc can be a godsend

I planned to use pram plus sling but a few experiences trying to sort a tantrumming toddler while wearing a baby soon sent me off to get a secondhand double pram - it was great, sometimes they both went to sleep at the same time!

There is no need to be rude to people taking the time to write to you trying to help.

People, op is posting in mental health. Not asking for parenting advice.

Op has nursery said he is like this when he is there?

It’s hard to explain. We’ve had a tough week, but when I heard him shout at 450 today I just wanted to burst into tears. (And anyone who tells me to put on waterproofs and go for a walk can choke on said waterproofs.)

It’s difficult to pinpoint an exact trigger point. Challenging behaviour but only really in certain situations, other times really good. I think in the main I’ve lost confidence in my own ability as a parent. I’d have another two years max if only having the one before school. I know some people seem to think I’m overwhelmed at the thought of a toddler and baby and it isn’t so much that as the thought that I’m struggling to get through a day or a weekend and now at least another four years before any respite.

You're in the dog days of pregnancy. Everything feels much worse right now, it will get better. My pregnancy with DD2 was horrible, my Dad was in hospital for most of it, didn't know if Mum would be able to come and help with DD1 and some of my so called 'friends' told me I was being incredibly selfish to ask them if they could help and made me cry. I was shattered looking after DD1 and working 4 days a week and was so stressed about how I was going to cope with the new baby.

As soon as DD2 arrived everything was so much better. DDad was out of hospital so both him and Mum were with us when I went into labour. Her birth was very straightforward, woke up to contractions, she was born at lunchtime, we were home by teatime. The weather was gorgeous (June baby) and we went out everyday when DH was on paternity leave. She was the easiest baby ever, she got herself into a routine by a week old, was a very efficient BFer and slept for hours and hours (DD1 didn't believe in sleep). DD1 loved her from the first time she saw her. I remember the midwife asking the PND questions and basically I was so happy it was ridiculous. Even when I got a bit weepy 3 days after she was born there was still an undercurrent of 'Oh, day 3, my milk is coming in, I'm suppose to feel like this' joy.

Try not to worry, all children have difficult stages, but they get through them and your DS will change again over the course of your maternity leave but once you are no longer pregnant you know things will get easier and you'll be more able to cope. Try and rest and make things as easy as possible for yourself right now.

I agree talk to hv, you might get referred onto parenting classes that might help with managing DS behaviour?

Pre natal depression is a thing as well as post. There is help if you ask for it.

Would suggestions of books to read about toddlers help?