In a dark place, I really wish I wasn’t having a second baby

[Itstigger]

When we started trying for no2, things seemed quite good. That was back in the autumn, I’m now due next month and I really, really wish I could go back on that decision. Of course I can’t, but I’m so, so worried about the days, months and years to come.

Being horribly honest here, I hate parenting my toddler. I say all the right things and I show enthusiasm and I engage, but I loathe it with every fibre of my being. He is two and a half and is incredibly destructive. He can’t seem to do anything without destroying it. Doors are slammed shut, the cats can’t have dry food left out because he throws it everywhere, he climbs onto chairs and throws things off the dining room table if we leave anything on it. It’s looking likely I’ll need a c section and god knows how we’ll cope in the house for six weeks, it will be destroyed. He also hurts the cats, so they are constantly exiled. I’m worried he’ll hurt the baby too.

I work three days a week, I used to live for my days off. Now I live for my days at work.

He wakes at 5 every day, I’m fed up of him by 8 o clock. I know that’s horrible. His latest trick is lifting my top up and shoving his head in or pulling my trousers down, I know he doesn’t mean any harm but it’s so triggering.

Please don’t anyone ask why I haven’t done this or that. I will have done this and that, he gives no fucks whatsoever.

I am hoping he’ll grow out of a lot of this, but then I have it coming again. If I knew how wretched and miserable having a toddler really was I wouldn’t have repeated it as I don’t have it in me to do this a second time.

@User1815 as someone has said, I purposefully avoided posting in parenting as I really don’t want to be regaled with ‘Just put on waterproofs and jump in puddles!’ type stuff. You end up feeling you have to justify everything and plus, to be honest, whatever you do someone here will tell you it’s wrong. I’ve been told DS does too much, he does too little, I should be stricter, I should be softer, I should give up and stick cocomelon on, I should avoid screen times. None of it makes a difference anyway as I tried to explain in my OP. But I’d be appreciative if ‘advice’ could be kept minimal, tbh.

I understand you're feeling shit and overwhelmed op but with all due respect people are just trying to help and suggest things - you started the thread which in itself is inviting people to comment so I'm not sure why you're getting rude with other posters for trying to help with ideas.

You have a really defeatist attitude at the moment and I understand that having been depressed myself so many times before. But you need to look at the facts, you are going to have to deal with what's coming and feeling regret isn't a useful emotion and won't help you get through it. Take support and get as much support as you can in place before the baby arrives.

I hear you. Only thing to suggest is that I would put him in nursery pretty much full time. That’s what I had to do to survive

at the risk of sounding trite you need to take it one day at a time. You are projecting into an unknown future which never turns out the way we envisage in my experience.
Your toddler will mellow and your baby may well be a dream and sail through toddlerhood. And you will have worried and stressed all that time for nothing.
Try to just get through each day and dont think.ahead is my advice for what its worth. It is doable 24 hrs at a time .
I read a brilliant quote once that said loading the worries for tomorrow and the regrets of yesterday onto the load of today will break.the strongest of people. And it is so true.
I hope all goes well.with your new baby. x

Someone suffering with their mental health doesn’t need to be told that they just have to deal with it, whether they are a mother or not.

I do have to deal with it, but I’m just sharing some very honest and dark thoughts. I maintain a cheery and positive presence in RL and actually I want to cry from lack of sleep and from feeling so isolated from everything and everyone.

Try and cling on to the fact that all toddlers are work but they’re often challenging in different ways and your second child may be challenging in ways you find easier to deal with. My second was very different to my first and it was much easier than I expected.

OP screen shot this last post of yours and show it to your GP Health visitor or midwife and they can help you.

Do you get any time on your own, op? Dh used to take dc1 out on Saturdays so I cd rest when heavily pregnant or early days of dc2. Any chance of that?

Do you do anything like pregnancy yoga that might help with relaxation? Would some counselling help?

It sounds like you're telling yourself that you can't cope and then when the baby comes, things will be worse and you will be even less able to cope. So you feel scared and overwhelmed and daunted. And it's just chiselling your confidence away.

Right now it's hard but you are coping in the sense of getting through each day, right? That's an achievement. Be proud of that.

When dc2 came I actually enjoyed parenting more, it became more dynamic because rather than watching dc1 and feeling quite bored, there was more to fill the time, dc1 learned to entertain herself a bit more, I was just busier completing tasks rather than resenting the lack of time to myself, if you see what I mean.

Could you have a weekend off? Now, before the baby gets here? So leave terrible toddler with your other half and go and stay with your parents or a friend for the weekend? Two mornings of waking up when you want to and having an entirely cocomelon free breakfast?

Hi op. I completely relate because I found the toddler stage the worst. I'm having number 2 next week so I'm in the same boat as well. I know it doesn't feel like much help now but it will pass. Once my daughter got past four, her behaviour started to improve and she would follow more instructions. We got reins for when she was three because she refused the buggy and our hand. Toddlers are just really difficult unless you get lucky and have a very placid one. I found the time she was three was just about survival and getting through. Just do what you need to do. She's nine now and very kind and sensible and almost too grown up! She's my little pal. We made it through the toddler hell! My one bit of advice is don't be afraid to ask for help. You should get a lie in on one day at the weekend when your OH takes him out or something. If family or anyone offers to take him out, do it.

OP, hang on in there, the thread was high up on active and people have dived in. Advice can feel quite alienating as it increases the feeling that other people are able to cope and you can’t. Objectively, what you are feeling is normal and acceptable, you’ve had a storm come through your life and upend it.

I’m not sure if this will be helpful or not but I felt very similar when I was pregnant with my (currently) 5 month old. My 2.5 year old was incredibly challenging and the thought that I’d signed up for another one was just so overwhelming. I had horrible thoughts about wishing something would go wrong in the pregnancy or birth so the choice was just taken away from me.

In hindsight I was in the grips of some serious antenatal depression which didn’t get sorted until I recognised it as post natal depression and went on antidepressants which really pulled me out of the fog. I’m sure right now it feels like antidepressants won’t help at all, because your feelings seem perfectly rational and medication won’t fix your toddler’s behaviour or give you less years until both kids are in school, but I would really encourage you to at least speak to a GP about it. They really helped me cope so much better, and stopped those moments waking up in the morning with that pit of dread in my stomach thinking of the day ahead.

Im currently really enjoying life even though it’s knackering with a baby and a toddler. Please look at getting help - it’s at least worth a go!

OP, I really recommend you speak to your midwife. I felt like this with DC1 - it was pretty bad antenatal depression, which doesn't get highlighted as much as post-natal depression. Your days do sound very challenging, but it also sounds as though your mind is working against you too and hopefully that is something that can be eased (pregnancy does push you up the MH priority list). I hope you can have some honest conversations with your partner and family too about your struggles so they can take on much more of the load.

If it is of any help, DC2 is just entering toddlerhood, and a very different child to my first. Also, my antenatal depression lifted completely on the delivery table, as DC1 was born. I came out of hospital a completely different person than I was going in. I wish you all the best.

Thank you for explaining this so articulately. I’ll respond to a few more in a minute just answering quickly.

I’m wondering if I’m wrong or right to post this given how low and vulnerable you are, but his behaviour does sound a little on the extreme side (eg hurting the cats) rather than typical 2.5 year old behaviour, and maybe you should discuss it with your health visitor?

I know he's only little but do you think there may be some kind of SEN there? I've had two toddlers and yes they were annoying at times but nothing like the behaviour you're describing here.

If you're concerned he might hurt the cats is it possible he might hurt the baby? You might benefit from some early help if there's a safeguarding risk to the baby.

I know you're not looking for solutions and I empathise wholeheartedly with your situation, I just wonder if what you're describing indicates something else is going on.

I was where you were 7 years ago op

Had my first, he was a bit different but nothing too crazy. We decided to have another and then reality hit. He changed around 2 and a half and the really difficult behaviour started - by then I was pregnant with number 2 but had I known earlier I would probably have not had number 2. I had severe pnd and those first few years were really really tough.

Every time we went to a soft play someone would come out crying saying 'that boy' and I knew. I once got confronted in the car park at nursery by an angry parent. When school started I got texts from other parents. My oldest was diagnosed with high functioning autism in year 2 of school. My second child could not have been any more different to his brother.

Looking back now I would have carried on with my two boys without a doubt. My oldest son was incredibly challenging until he was about 8 and then it was like a light switch and now age 10 I could not be more proud of him. Despite his difficulties he is an incredible boy. The boys have a great relationship and even though they squabble as all siblings do my oldest would protect his brother with every fibre of his being if the situation demanded even though he possesses the empathy skills of a spanner.

While things may now look bleak (and I understand- I used to fantasise about running away) there is hope. They don't stay toddlers forever. Definitely keep up nursery for the oldest if you can while you are on maternity leave. It was needed for sanity. Utilise every bit of help you can from friends and family. I used to survive by going somewhere every day - I got a £15 a month pass to our local leisure centre for my son which included lots of toddler type groups, swimming and most importantly had a creche I could pay £1 an hour for - maybe see if you have something similar in your area.

I wish you luck and hope op.

Yes, I thought this too (my kids are 2.5 and 4 now).

It sounds incredibly challenging for you OP. I think many people would struggle in your situation, particularly with lack of sleep. I really feel for you.

And you’re right, walks and puddlesuits aren’t going to fix this. If it were me, I would speak to my HV for support for both DS and me, speak to my GP about the possibility of medication for antenatal depression, and get therapy - both for coping skills but also simply as a place to vent.

My son was exactly like this. For this reason I waited 6 years to have a second one. Then my second was an absolute angel. Calm, happy, reasonable, a great sleeper. So don’t assume you have lengthened your sentence until you know and hope for the best for now!

As PP has said, you're expecting your baby to have exactly the same temperament as your toddler, but it may not be the case. It sounds like you're going straight for the worst-case scenario and catastrophising, which is understandable but wont makenyou feel any better mentally.

I don't think his behaviours are necessarily 'normal' for his age, though, and you may find some comfort seeking advice from your HV whilst also explaining how you feel. There is no shame admitting that you feel like you're looking into a bleak future (assuming baby is the same!) and support is out there.

Sympathies, OP.

My first was Hard Work. He was never happy. It was commented on by onlookers, friends etc - which was actually really helpful to know that it wasn't me doing something wrong.

He was angry. Right from being a baby. Wouldn't nap for more than 35 mins. When he was 3 he became violent - he would hit, kick and spit at me. At that point I could pick him up or pin his arms down etc. I was terrified that if this continued I'd be beaten by a violent 15 year old.

These were the supernanny years. And so we implemented very clear and hard boundaries. We used time outs which eventually had to happen in his bedroom with the door closed (he destroyed the hallway when we used the front doormat/bottom step. And with the bedroom door open he'd come out and hit/kick/spit on me).

He was an early talker, and I thought 'great! Now he can tell us what he needs!' it turned out you can't have a logical argument/negotiation with a toddler. It was awful.

Initially he was good for the childminder, but as he got more comfortable with her he started doing it for her too (she was immensely experienced and brilliant).

BUT, and here's why I'm posting: around age 4, he suddenly got so much better. SO much better! He's 12 now, and has his moments, but he's actually nice to be around.

We did eventually have DS2, and like you I worried that I wouldn't cope. I was terrified that actually DS1 was ok and it was me that couldn't cope, and that DS2 would be worse.

As PPs have said, DS2 was totally different to DS1: he was completely laid back. Happiest baby ever! Absolute dream of a toddler.

But he also changed as he grew and now is far more whiney and grumpy than DS1 was at that age. (But still not unbearable!)

And now they're 12 & 7 and life is good.

Age 4 seems to be the age when they got significantly easier (even though DS2 got grumpier!)

Just wanted to say I would feel exactly the same OP. I only have one but my DD was a very challenging toddler. She is a bit easier now but to be honest I think she’s autistic. The main thing that’s got me through- Sertraline!

It’s true that 2 may not be the same as one, but it’s the uncertainty and even ‘easy’ toddlers are quite full on, I think.

We shall see.

I had a similar realisation when my second one came along. I conceived the second one when my first was still an easy baby, but he was born when the first was a challenging toddler. I hated the feeling of just being their under appreciated servant and the relentlessness of it all. I started working full time when my youngest was 11 months and I think that saved me. Once they had reached 3.5 and 5 they, as a pair, became enjoyable again. Now they are both adults and the joy of having them is indescribable. It will absolutely get better and until it does get as much childcare as you can afford. Maybe consider working full time in a year or so?