Husbands aggression & lack of patience

[Thislife55555]

Since we had our dd husbands patience has become zero, he's not well after first 6 mths was diagnosed with a bowel disease. Dd was a terrible sleeper, she has quite a stubborn nature and doesn't listen, she is only 3.5 but this seems to be driving my partner mad!

He got in trouble with SS after slapping her arm when becoming angry with her for kicking the kitchen table, I was quite upset as it was very red & told staff counselling as I didn't now what to think of it. They called SS and sent someone round the same evening, he was quite mortified and was warned, there was no marks so nfa was taken but he has such a short temper. I keep saying she us only 3.5 they don't listen but he thinks she should be able to when it's the 3rd or 4th fine he's repeated himself then he blows up shouting!

This morning they were downstairs whilst I was getting ready and I heard voices raised then my dd came running upstairs crying her eyes out saying he grabbed her under the arm, her arm was red but she was hysterical, I feel tbh deeply upset and shocked and I just wish I had the ability to know exactly what to do myself but I don't!

I'm wks if for advice.

Tbh I think he's really struggled with the adjustment to our new life since dd arrived, I noticed he feels in disarray when the house is a mess and has a habit of cleaning up too much around her, got annoyed she'd left sequins and glitter on her bedroom carpet! I don't care I just want her to be happy and have fun. Our dog is old and keeps having uncontinent issues and that's driving him mad and he's said very bluntly he is never having a dog again! It's so sad, she can't have a cat due to allergies.

His illness may not be helping as it is quite bad, other thing is he is falling asleep on the sofa at 9 so I'm also sat up on my own most nights i feel so lonely and wondering what is becoming of me and my life and do I need to leave because is he going to negatively affect our dds life!

There was also an issue when dd was around 13 mths, things had turned quite badly by this time, he asked me what was wrong with me and I was honest I said you can get up Saturdays for a run early and go out for 2 hrs but never offer me 1 lie in in 13 mths! Or asked me if I'd had time to shower I said I was fed up and felt sick of how things turned out, he said he wished he'd left me in the gutter where I belonged and I was like whatttt?!! Really! I was holding dd and decided that it had to stop there it was too heated wirh her present so I said let me past this isn't going anywhere but he wouldn't let me past and pushed me back in to the room with his thumb in the bridge of my nose! I rang the police and I was adamant that was it, the officer said it was abuse and gave me a contact to call for advice, I never rang it but I stayed hooked things will improve, he's
Not laid a finger on me since but it was after that when he smacked our dd and ss were sent.

I suppose what I'm trying to covey & ask is this a Man i should have left a long time ago and I also want to say If so I am sorry I have let myself down by not being stronger or more intelligent to see this!

He is not a lazy man, he works very hard for the family, not w drinker, gambler or a cheater he says he genuinely wants to do well for us but he gets so angry when dd can't listen or winds hun up to play he gets so annoyed by it and I do not know wth was wrong with him that day he pushed me!

I think he wants to be the best dad he can be but same time has major anger issues

Sorry this was long it's so hard to put this over but I have wondered a long time if I should've left a few yrs ago and he has done other things that feel inconsiderate like last 2 mothers days, LY he collected us after I chaperoned 20 kids for 3 hrs whilst he had the morn to himself, I was so hungry when I came out and said I need food quick, he said we're going to this local tea room I thought hmm that's strange he has bkd a table for MDay but I was covered in dust from kneeling on the floor and said a heads up wouldve been helpful as I aren't dressed to go out, he then said can I just ring them to check they've got a table free?!! So he hasn't bkd one was jjst hoping we'd get in but it's so popular there was no way plus I felt underdressed and said I'm sorry but he had all morning to ring them what had he been doing! In fact he'd had a year to sort it in adv! He was vile all the way home, awkward, funny and my day was ruined!

This yr I just bkd my own lunch as I just wanted make sure dd & myself weren't stuck in so we all went, it was fine, but coming bk he lost the plot at me saying I was inconsiderate to the cost he paid for the car as my daughter didn't like a sweet I passed her and needed to spit it out quickly, it was soaked so chucked it at the centre console toward a wrapper, really peed him off, he just doesn't seem to have any soh at all, mr overly serious all the time it seems to be his nature!

He has got worse since dd arrived, I wonder what it'd be like to not have this, for dd to enjoy her room whatever mess she makes knowing he age and she's not doing it on purpose to annoy anyone, for her to have a pets

😣

Not hooked, hoping*

And not just let myself down but my dd also! 😣

If someone can please pass your thoughts I've been struggling with this for too long now and I have spoken to s friend but I don't think she knows what I should do she hasn't said I should leave, she is I think maybe a bit unsure herself!

I think as a person he never realised how difficult and wearing parenting can be, the adjustment, our relationship has changed as she wants me a lot but he left her to me to sort from day 1, he'd never say let me have her for a break! Like he never said when did you last take a shower as we have no family support they just left us to if and I'd also lost my mum not long after she was born. I don't think he ever really thought about what it could be like and I never envisioned him being so impatient. I have been surpised at his daily lack of any sense of humour, my life tbh is miserable, can't remember the last time we laughed he has become this overly serious person and I feel like I have so much life in me left and not just that but I also cannot imagine what it's going to be like in yrs to come as dd gets older and more active!

He needs her in bed by 8.30 latest as feels he's had no time for us, it's so hard as I see some families we know whose kiddies just go with the flow wirj them and they just go to bed when they conk but it's lights out quiet tv on from 7.30 prompt and I just feel this doesn't seem right but I do get he's been at work all week and also needs some time me jjst me... I also work part time, 3 days

Just don't know what to think about it all, I need to do what's best for dd & for everyone involved but I aren't exactly sure on what the general consensus of the situation I find myself in and what others would think/do to help me come to the best conclusion x

I’ll be honest and say I’ve stopped reading as it’s just too horrible. Your child is being abused.

This isn’t really a mental health issue. You need to leave. You’ll get loads of support and advice here but none about staying with an abusive man.

it won’t improve. He won’t change OP.

I also couldn’t read it all OP. You and your child deserve better than this. I wouldn’t put up with a man who laid a hand on my child let alone treated me like this. You deserve more. Please tell yourself this.

LEAVE HIM

LTB.

He has said to me often that he loves her very much i truely believe he does but he just hasn't the patience for the way she is, he says she try's it on and knows full well she's being naughty but she is only just over 3.5 so she is pushing boundaries it is what soem kids do and he's admitted she is worse when she is tired so he knows but he just gets so annoyed by it and I don't think he can change it, if SS came here to talk to me I'd have been abs mortified, in fact I was as at first I didn't realise why they were here until the told me it was due to me mentioning the incident on the phone to counselling. He agrees more with the older fashioned approach to parenting we had where we got a smack but they don't know what pushing boundaries means, even if they look like they do. She never is naughty on purpose m, she is more irritating to him but it's what they do but I just don't think he can live with it. When we've argued he's said he'd be happier on his own which is baffling as then makes up quickly to resolve things, I don't think he really knows what he wants!

I don’t know why you’re putting a Mental Health label on his behaviour. He’s abusive to his child and to you. What about your MH? Hmmmm?

Please try to find a way out of this sick relationship. Try Women’s Aid if only as a fact finding exercise and someone to talk things through intelligently with. They can hopefully point you in the right direction for support if some kind.
Do not get pregnant with this man again. You would be digging an even deeper hole for yourself. He sounds horrible.

Best of luck OP. I hope your future will look brighter by the end of this summer.

It’s not old fashioned parenting he just enjoys assaulting your daughter. Your small defenceless child needs you to protect her from him.

He thinks it's OK to physically abuse you and your daughter, he thinks it is ok to shout at her constantly, that she should just do what he tells her to do
( probably thinks you should be like that as well )
He is abusive, he doesn't know how to parent and doesn't want to, he wants to hit and grab her until she behaves.

You need to leave for this alone, he doesn't love you or her, he won't change, leave.

You have to split up with him. He’s abusive and it will only get worse. You have to act to protect your daughter. 💐

It doesn’t matter what he wants - he is abusive.

Deep down you know this. He will never change. If you stay you are enabling his abuse of your daughter.

Your friend didn’t tell you to get out as only you can make that decision.

You know love by observing the actions, not the words. I don't know what you should do, but maybe read Lundy Bancroft 'Why does he do that?' to learn more. Your post points towards your feeling that something has been up for a long time. This and feeling confused are both indicators of abuse.

You need to get rid of him and protect your child, he's abusive, and he needs to leave, stop considering his needs, your daughter comes first. He won't change, and you both deserve better.

My dear, this man doesn't know what love is, pure and simple. Other than self-love that is.

He will never change, he will actually get worse as time goes on.

You and DD deserve a life of peace and calm. You won't get that with him. You need to leave. It may be tough and it may result in a lower standard of living, but the peace and happiness you'll have is worth the loss.

Do you have family you can confide in? If so, call them and tell them what's been going on. You need support IRL.

No matter how hard it seems, you have to leave before your child is killed. That is the bottom line. It will get worse and worse. He is a horrible abusive cunt who doesn't know what love is and by staying, you are failing to protect your daughter from abuse.

Has he taken a single action to improve his behaviour @Thislife55555 . To get help with his anger. To get help with his parenting/patience or understanding of toddlers. I doubt it.

leave.

This guy is a horrible bastard who is beating his own child.

You need to protect her. Do it. He isn't mentally ill. He's a stone cold bastard

Leave. He is a nasty, violent, selfish, abusive man. His behaviour will get worse. Don't let him look after your child on his own. He sounds like the type you hear about on the news once they have done something appalling to their child.

Thank you all for your replies. I think because we're older and

You definately need o leave asap. He has hurt your child...once is once too many

You make lots of excuses for him...please stop, he cannot step up and be a calm and safe man to be around.
when someone shows you who they are see it and act accordingly.

Sorry pressed send, because we're older and our parents would smack us to deal with unwanted behaviour he doesn't think it's wrong. He isn't intentionally beating her either at all, ge gets irritated by repeatedly telling her not to behave in the way she is then has smacked after the 3rd or 4th time. This has hand on heart only been on a few occasions, and I think I'm unsure because how he and most kids we knew were parented, of course it is not a method of parenting used now days. But it's not just that im concenered of it's also the other things mentioned like the lack of consideration to me like when he had energy to go the gyn early at wknds and never asking when I'd last showered as suppose being then mostly in sep beds didn't matter to him! It was also expecting us to just walk in a tea room on Mother's Day me dressed all in back stage black, dusty and sweaty when people will be dressed up I was like really! And fact this yr if he'd realised how bad last yr was he'd had bkd somewhere this yr but he didn't and I'd bkd it myself and he just let me get on with it

I feel like a useless person not being able to just see and know what I should do about this! I'm so green even at late 30s I'm still learning

I need to do what is best for my daughter and this is a huge change to her life and all our lives I am their to come to the best logical conclusion I will also end up potentially losing her half the time as he has made it clear he wants shared contact if we ever parted ways, I don't know how he'd even manage that as had a very busy and demanding job, 1 friend who would help him and his family are not involved with offering any form of child care as his parents are old and his sisters are awful they bizarrely cut contact when our dd was born and have nastily refused to talk to me when I asked what I'd done wrong , I have done nothjng, they just coldly cut us off and never seen dd since whjch has been awful, I have a few friends and my dad who would help as my mum died after she was born due to a sudden illness whjch she didn't live king from once diagnosed. I feel like I'm in such a horribly lonely and dark place I can't believe this is my life I just cannot believe it!