I hate my shit life

[NewbieoneKinewbie]

Just that, really

I've reached my mid 50s and I am just so depressed.
I've been a single parent for many years after an abusive, shitstorm of a relationship. I adored the man but found out that he had a whole family elsewhere and was a compulsive liar.
I've struggled with mental ill health ever since really. I looked after my mother who died when I was 30. I did all the 'right' things - went to uni as a single parent and trained, became a teacher. I struggled with getting a job and finally did, moved up, got promoted, then moved to another school which has been horrific. I live in a rented flat, which I can barely afford. I'm lonely, I've tried dating apps but can't meet anyone. I've had a few brief relationships after 20 years of being alone, but they don't last. I've a few friends, one or two good ones but the majority are acquaintances. I live hand to mouth, have had no holidays in years.

My child is doing okay, has met someone, moved in with them a couple of years ago and is happy. I meanwhile have empty nest syndrome. I'm lost without them. They are getting on with their life and have their own friends and I don't see them all that often. I am happy for them but just feel.. what was the point of everything? I've worked so hard, so bloody hard for years and I have nothing. I've lost my looks, put on weight, and I'm just so depressed. I can't see the point of anything anymore.

Hi there, I read your thread last night and wanted to reach out to you, I really feel for you. I’ve had times in my life where I have felt the same despair.

I am also 50 this year - have struggled with depression and menopause - I struggle with existential angst at times. I find hrt helpful. But I know I need to shake things up a bit for myself this year.

Do you have an outlet beside work? Can you start getting out of the house and joining some social groups, do you like walking, a choir? I know how hard this sounds when you are feeling low and it’s an effort to get through the day, but perhaps start with small changes, what can you do which might give you something to look forward to? Do you like swimming? Is there a pool near you?

can you change your job?

I'm suffering empty nest syndrome as well. I feel lost and very sad

Op, I hear your despair. No answers, I hope someone comes along with some more insight soon.

I am also 50 this year - have struggled with depression and menopause - I struggle with existential angst at times. I find hrt helpful. But I know I need to shake things up a bit for myself this year.

I absolutely am experiencing this. I've always had an underlying mental health condition related to anxiety which seems to have flared up. Can you say Touty how you plan to shake things up? I'm trying to help myself but 90% of the time feeling like I'm going through the motions (that'll be depression no doubt).

I have just started HRT and an antidepressant.

Unlike you op, I don't work (but do a bit of voluntary work - which is semi-rewarding but doesn't feel enough). I thought some of my issue is that I don't have a job I find purposeful - such as teaching/nursing etc. but clearly you are just as affected with having this type of job.

The empty nest appears brutal and no doubt, I have this to come. I can already envisage how hard it will be and how much I have invested in motherhood - it is one of the only things that has ever felt purposeful and a huge part of my identity. Now I feel like I'm trying to run around and grapple with getting some other identity and nothing seems to compare. It's all very well people saying you've done your job well etc. and all the other cliches but in reality it feels very different.

thank you for the responses.

Touty, I have done all the joining groups and going out stuff. For a while I had a good social life, went to see a lot of music, made some friends. I even ran groups - back in the day when my child was young I helped run a single parent group, and I've done social events. I feel only a few friends became 'real' friends and I guess in all honestly, I've been clinically depressed for years with mere glimpses every now and then of feeling normal. In all honesty, I don't really enjoy being around most people any more.

I have no family. My parents died when I was young, no siblings, no partner. Christmases and bank holidays etc feel bleak and grim. I used to organise things but I am so sick of giving.

Tanglewoods, I'm sorry to hear you feel like this too. My job has been a lot of my identity, but it's becoming an awful 'profession': you are constantly being observed, picked apart, judged, I am so stressed by constantly having relentless piles of work to do, that are never ending and I live from holiday to holiday and in the holidays, I nearly collapse from mental/physical exhaustion. To add to this, I left a job with quite nice students and colleagues to one that is toxic and backstabby (in some respects I got financially better off but recently by rent and bills have gone up £250 a month, so I'm much worse off now then i was.. sigh)

I've spoken to a dr and got a referral for CBT therapy with an initial appointment coming up. it's a start. In reality I need to find another job, find somewhere cheaper to live (I can't afford where I am without having a lodger and this is not helping my MH). I feel like I have achieved nothing having slogged for years, I definitely feel I need to quit teaching as it's soul destroying but then what?!

i don't want to sound negative, i really appreciate all the suggestions. I think I'm on the verge of a breakdown in all honesty, years of struggle have just worn me down. I need professional help. I'm just honestly so worn out with life

Can you get signed off work ? Honestly it sounds like you need a break right now. I know money is an issue - are you entitled to contractual sick pay?

Hi Tanglewoods - ok so I’ve never had kids, but I do feel like I’m stuck on a rut. I think that it helps to have goals, they don’t have to be anything fanciful or extreme, but apparently having goals gives us a boost in emotional well-being. So I think about my interests and what I like to do, what makes me feel better; for me personally I feel better when I do some sort of activity and get out of the house. Part of my problem is that I live in quite a remote area so it takes extra effort to go anywhere. sometimes I feel like the word goal is too big, so instead I plan to give myself a to do list every week.

I like to take short trips by myself too, I find a change of scenery helps too.

hrt does help with motivation. A few years ago I felt I couldn’t work and stayed in bed most days, I felt better once I found the right hrt.

I've considered it but I have students taking exams right now and the culture where I am is so toxic that being off would cause me more stress as I would expect a disciplinary (yes, I know it's not legal etc but that seems to be the state education is right now)
I've just got about three weeks until the workload will ease up somewhat though

Check out the facebook group life after teaching if you haven't already- there was a very inspiring thread today about restarting careers in 40s, 50s, and 60s. It's a very supportive place.

Can you get signed off longer term? You sound like you need it, did the doctor mention it? Then you could look for another job and never go back to this one.

If your child has left home could you rent somewhere smaller, so if you had a lower stress job perhaps with lower pay it would work out?

Hope you feel better soon 💐

Hi op. I want to say that you sound like an inspiring, accomplished and strong woman. I can't imagine how you got through what your husband did. But you did. And you also had the caring for and loss of your mum. I'm sorry you went through it all. But, despite that, you have had success in work and, more importantly, raised what sounds like a happy, independent young person. It's possible you can't see how wonderful you are. Maybe because of your losses, stress through work and low mood/ depression you haven't had time to properly process things. The positive is that you have asked for support and are taking action to try and change things. Please be kind to yourself, try and take some time for yourself as others have suggested and I hope, you will get the perspective to see how flipping great you are. I wish you all the best.

When can you retire?

hello, sorry for not replying. I just got a bit too down to function much.

Retiring isn't an option until I reach my late 60s - I wasn't working for some years, just parttime & as a struggling single parent I opted out of the teacher's pension scheme. I won't have anywhere near enough in terms of contributions to retire just yet.

I'm on life after teaching, yes it can be a very inspiring place and a comfort to know I'm not the only person who feels like this about teaching.

Doubtfulguest, I really really appreciate your lovely kind words. I don't believe them, really - I might have done 5 years ago but life has shown me that I am just not the kind of person to 'catch a break'. I know that positive thinking will help me, but tbh I just can't seem to break out of this fug. It's a triple whammy I think of being down, getting older, having an empty nest, and making a bad job choice (quadruple whammy perhaps)

I'm reaching out for medical/counselling support. I spent long periods of my 30/40s on antidepressants which I am reluctant to start on again as I don't really feel it was effective. I just am really, really tired of my life not being good. Does anyone else just ever feel like... this isn't the life I should have had??! what went wrong?

Yes, I do. I’m sorry you feel that way. I don’t have it in me to write much more right now sorry. Just wanted you to know you’re not alone.

Been strong for long i can't anymore.
No situation, money so how can i even gef a wife?
Plus my ADHD its sad but will accept my faith.
I can't kill myself i find it hard but i may soon

@DyingShit how are you feeling? I just wanted to reply to your message and check in.

Hi there @DyingShit . We hope you don't mind, but when posts like this are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.