How do you stop yourself wanting to end things when you're humiliated?

[Whisperingvoice]

This has happened before and my instinct is that I want to hurt myself badly because I know I've got things wrong. Nobody in my life would have an inkling that this is how I'm feeling.

I've been exercising, keeping busy with work and putting music on to distract myself but I can't escape that feeling. What do you do if you ever feel the same, after embarrassment and humiliation?

TIPP skills xx the cold water helps me x

I'll look it up, thank you xx

Interesting reading - I've never heard of DBT. I can't tolerate cold at all but can do the other parts. I do have an instinct to run when I feel like this. But it keeps coming back, louder and louder.

Embarrassment and humiliation are horrible feelings but they are not permanent - ending your life is and will absolutely devastate everyone you know for years to come.

What's led you to this point?

Thank you for responding, EyesOpen. You are right - it's a disproportionate reaction and I know that because of the effect on the people I love, it's not the answer. But inside me there's a drive to hurt myself. I can remember it as a child - crushing shame made me squeeze my hands so hard that I was clawing at the palms of my hands.

What's caused it now is that I applied for a job at my child's school. It's a wonderful place full of the most decent people. I had an interview this week and am so ashamed that I made some big errors. I just want to hurt myself in shame. I've been working out hard and I've been busy at work, but the feeling keeps creeping in and the painful feeling is making me physically uncomfortable (and unable to sleep). How do you get past the feeling? I'm going to have to face people involved for some time.

Thanks again for giving me a chance to offload.

I can remember it as a child - crushing shame made me squeeze my hands so hard that I was clawing at the palms of my hands.

I'm so sorry. No child should feel that way. How did you get on with your parents?

How do you get past the feeling?

You take a step back and assess yourself. Are you kind, thoughtful, caring, patient, friendly, hard working? I bet you are. People who aren't don't wrap themselves into knots the way you have. And I also bet you discount all those wonderful qualities and shine a laser focus on a couple of not quite perfect words during that interview.

Do you remember having a zit as a teenager? One that grew bigger and bigger every minute until you were convinced it was a bright red beacon that could be seen from space? Yet when you told someone about it they squinted to be able to see it?

You aren't a child now. You are responsible for your own happiness and and you are a decent person. If you do nothing else, write down that sentence and speak it aloud until you start believing it.

Can you reflect on how you overcame such feelings of humiliation before? Because the thing is we've all felt it many times and we push through in the end. I'm sorry you feel so bad about the interview at the moment. Think of those you love and try to look outwards.

I've certainly done dreadful interviews. Fairly recently I had an interview and the last question was tell us something really interesting about yourself that we haven't learned so far. My mind just went blank. I literally gave them nothing because I was so busy ruling out 'well that's not really interesting and neither is that nor that'. What do you think went wrong in yours? Can we help you turn it into learning for a future interview ?

Op I had a job interview yesterday and referred to it as a step down! Whoops. It's not actually and even the recruiter mentioned my phrase and that he didn't agree it was a step down...

Have you actually heard if you got the job yet? I keep focusing on this one comment I made but the rest of the interview went really well. So I am focusing on the 1% that was silly and not the 99% that was good. We are very hard on ourselves.

My brother told me something I like to remember at these times. Nobody thinks about you as much as you think they do.

Think about this yourself. How much time do you think about someone else? A fleeting moment maybe but that's it whereas you are pouring over something for hours and hours or days that lasted a tiny amount of time.

You just have to think logically. The feeling of humiliation is your feeling but that doesn't mean the interviewer thought anything negative about you.

Thank you so much, Eyes, Hungry and Ewe - those are such thoughtful and interesting responses, and really quite moving.
I'm just getting us ready for school, but will reply properly later.

I like your brother's phrase. I haven't heard yet, and they're interviewing more candidates into the start of next week. I'm certain I won't get it, as some of my slip ups were so bad.

The feeling of humiliation feels stronger and less forgettable because I've been a part of the school as a parent and I feel like I've revealed myself as not good enough.

Re. my parents - my mum died recently so I find it hard to explain what it was like as a child now. Mum grew up in very difficult circumstances as a result of the war, which affected all of us I suppose.

Thank you all and sorry for the rushed response.

I've thought of another thing I do.

If I make a mistake or am embarrassed or whatever I ask myself "will this matter in 100 years time?" (Or whatever timeframe you like) and the answer is always no.
I usually move on from the issue fairly quickly after that.

Basically in the grand scheme of your life, this is so insignificant. Just think about your children and how they are what really matter :)

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy - yep, I absolutely agree.

"Nothing matters and no one cares" sounds really negative on the first reading but, for me, it's hugely reassuring and freeing.

Sometimes when I do something clumsy or cringeworthy I just "style it out" by saying that "oh I meant to do that"... obviously I didn't but owning the mistake seems to help? I know that won't be helpful for a job interview (and I bet you did fine!) but if I drop a bottle of milk/ get my coat stuck in a handle / spill me tea I just congratulate myself for the brilliance of my mistake. I did it once because it was either that or crying and now I say it all the time. Because I still mess up all the time. But I don't mind half so much.

Oh and at my last interview, during Covid and on zoom, I finished my presentation and then instead of ending my screen share I TERMINATED THE CALL, swore really loudly, then realised they might be able to hear me still (luckily they couldn't) and I had to disk back into my own interview.... I was mortified.....and still got the job!

I can relate to this. For me it was a self esteem issue. I had so little belief in myself and resilience to minor set backs that i'd end up in turmoil and self loathing at really quite minor things and had huge concerns over what other people thought about me.

I am now much better and can deal with life and its ups and down more. A lot more 'whats the worst that can happen'. 'Awh shame it didnt work out' 'maybe next time'.

If 10 people apply for a job. 9 won't get it. Some won't even make it to the interview. You got an interview. I expect you are a perfectionist and nowhere near as bad as you think. The hiring manager will have seen many nervous candidates over the years and heard all sorts of fluffed answers and clangers. And with the greatest of respect I doubt yours are that memorable.

Thank you so much everyone for your words of support. You have all made me feel somewhat better.

I've been repeating to myself that in 100 years it won't matter. That does help. And I used to always think of places abroad where I've been and where my life and my mistakes don't matter...

But... This was at my son's (excellent) school, and it was a chance for my daughter to get a place there. She really needs it as she has a few needs and it offers the kind of activity that makes her thrive. I can't escape the awful feeling that I've let her down on that. And that I'm so embarrassed in front of the (brilliant/awe-inspiring) head teacher. I know that I will have dropped in her estimation, and it makes me feel that 'I want to claw into my hands' self-annoyance. I wish I could be the kind of person who didn't make a self-fulfilling prophecy of not being good enough.

Op I have had some shockers

I have seen them write zero on my score sheet, laugh at some of the things I said, shake their heads in horror

And it stung so bad
Now I look back and laugh but it can be so hard

I had to present once and it went so bad it sent me in to a spiral of bad depression

Hope you are doing ok

This feeling will pass. The head likely gave any mistakes little thought. Like most people will be too wrapped up in their own issues to care. You DD is lucky to have such a loving mum who is rooting for her to thrive. And she will thrive!

I suggest you go see your Gp, open up and ask for medication and counselling

in an emergency ring A&e for help

practice mindfulness and yoga

start talking to loved ones who care

Samaritans call, mind

Also read this for some context https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4643383-please-tell-me-about-your-embarrassing-job-interviews

Have you explored the concept of ADHD and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?

I can't recommend this community highly enough: theadhdcollective.org

Other articles:

www.theadhdadvocate.com/post/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-in-the-workplace

healthunlocked.com/adult-adhd/posts/145924540/anyone-had-experience-improving-rsd

That is fascinating, thank you.
I don't have ADHD, but my daughter does and this resonates. I also work with two people with ADHD who I'm sure show signs of RSD. I had never known what it was though. I'll keep reading about it.

My issue is around feelings of shame, harking back to an eating disorder in my teens which had a catastrophic effect on my life from 15-23. The HR interviewer asked me questions about this period and I lost the interview over that- I struggle to acknowledge what happened and it makes me look untrustworthy. My grades were ok and I was lucky to go to a good university, but when questioned I sound terrible. It was 20 years ago and I'm angry at myself that I'm still that person, at times.

Thank you, Flufz. We all want to make life better for our kids, and also equal. I have one child who sails through academically and I want to bolster the other one equally with my support. Mothering is guilt-laden!

It does often strike me that it's a dangerous process for people who are prone to low self-esteem. Feels like a total rejection because they have taken the time to scrutinise every aspect of your work and character, and then say 'not good enough'. But I know the strongest people put themselves through that risk to make progress.

Thank you for your support, thisis and everyone.

100 per cent

I did a presentation once with a lovely guy who was so much younger and had about 1/4 of the experience I had in that field

He aced it

I was a shambles and I look back and kick myself

I get so hung up on these things so I totally get where you are coming from

Do go easy on yourself op
It happens to everyone!!!!!!!

And it is all about learning too xxxxxxx

Have you had professional help to process that part of your life? Then you'd be able to talk about it calmly and, if working in education, even spin that challenging period as an asset insofar as you have direct experience of things going badly as a student and so you'd empathise well with students facing similar. But you need to process it yourself for your own wellbeing.

I did have six months of therapy in my thirties with a great counsellor, and it helped my eating, and understanding of the condition. But I'm not open about the condition - very few people with EDs are because shame and internalising feelings is integral to it- and so there'd never be a time when I could allude to it in an interview. My counsellor taught me not to hate my eating disorder but to accept that it was a vital coping mechanism, but in this instance I do resent it still causing reverberations in my life.