Are we sad losers or is this just how it is for some of us?

[Thislife55555]

Me and my partner are married and have 1 child, we prob shouldn't have had her to the lack of family support we've ended up with whjch now a few yrs later has been totally non existent!

Firstly, im massively struggling with this and the last few days it's draining me and I honestly don't know how to keep going!

We have a child that we longed for, for so long but we had to wait to financially support ourselves as our mothers weren't in our lives! We missed the damn point here, how did we think we'd cope without their support! We worked our abs asses off to move to a better area and forwent a lot of nights out and didn't have mucu time for friends, there was no way we'd have managed without a decent financial cushion and it's a good job as partner is now got a lifelong bowel disease inherited.

We have 4 sisters combined and none of them bother with us at all! Only 2 have seen our daughter and a combined total of 3 tiems between them in the last 3 yrs!

It's gut wrenching to be in a situaion where we know we are kind, decent people wirh the most lovely daughter and we have no family at all in our lives, I hate myself for not seeing this coming and I know this is our fault!

How can I get another perspective to help me to keep going for the sake our daughter?! Each day is like wading through mud, im sure if our sisters knew they'd relish this, it's terrible but why could they dislike us so much?!

I even sent one a msg asking what we had done; it was read and she replied not to me but her brother blaming a busy life and never bothered to finish the conversion app!

My mental health is taking such a beating as I feel like we're such losers as we're not the norm, we don't have a huge amount of friends, we do have a few people we do see but not hoards like most people seem to have!

Is it like this for other people too and I'm just letting the fake social media view of the perfect life colour my vision of reality??

I'm just letting the fake social media view of the perfect life colour my vision of reality??

Yes, sadly I think you are. Your family aren't under any obligation to help you, and you aren't obligated to help them. You've got each other and your lovely daughter - concentrate on being the best family for each other.

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way. It is hard work but many many people do it without an extended family at hand. We do for the most part - although we are close to my family, we live far away so they are not there on a day-to-day basis, which is often when you need the help; my husband's family never bothered which still upsets him.

I remember when mine were little I used to be so jealous of people who could, for example, drop their child off with granny while they go to get their haircut or meet a friend for coffee. Just something casual. I never had that, and because other people nearby had their family close we didn't really have a reciprocal babysitting relationship (I needed their babysitting a lot more than they needed mine!). Those days seem quite distant now as mine are young teenagers. We are really close and happy together, I wouldn't change our relationship at all now.

@ColouringPencils This is exactly what it is like for us, where we are most people have a lot of family so they don't need the reciprocal babysitting like you say, how much did this bother you? I feel like I know in the future it will prob be hard to forget.

I abs get no one is obligated to help us but when we see so many families together because they want to, it's just feels so awful for us that we don't have that. We're totally abnormal where we live atm, we worked so hard to be where we are but where we are we aren't the norm and feel like they prob wonder why no one visits us 😣

I have considered moving back to where we original came as there was just a wider mix of family types, there isn't that here.

Just feels like we're not normal when all you see on SM is the perfect families who show them
Breezing through family life with tons of friends and family. It's an abs load of rubbish, this certainly isn't our life!

We have a child that we longed for, for so long but we had to wait to financially support ourselves as our mothers weren't in our lives! We missed the damn point here, how did we think we'd cope without their support!

What does his mean? It reads as bitterness that you had to financially support your own lives because your mothers didn’t provide free services/financial support. If so that’s bizarre and really entitled.

I think you need to look at the positives in your life. Being drowned in bitterness over not having what you perceive yourself as entitled to isn’t helpful.

Do your sisters have children?

Sorry op, all parents should have a family network to help out when children are young IMHO. It's not your fault that you don't. Try and accept it though. Definitely your experience is increasingly common sadly and there are many wothout support.

We felt similar but as ours have got older and more interesting, we have a bit more support thankfully.

It's hard without help. Especially when you'd like your lo to be adored and loved by a wider network than your and your partner.

@Kanaloa what I'm saying is we couldn't even have her younger like most of the people our own age did because they had support, we had to work harder than our friends to ensure we could pay for the childcare, - there is no resentment, we are not entitled! it would have been nice to catch a break every now and then, and not to have been excluded from our sisters who help eachother but don't talk to us and we don't know why as we haven't done anything wrong! I contacted one and said what have we done and I got no reply! If we had im sure
She'd have no issue telling us, we haven't had more than a couple of nights to ourselves in 3.5 yrs.

So if you hadn't had siblings would you not have had a child? I don't understand you seem angry that your siblings aren't taking on a caring role for your dc?

I mean bringing up that you had to work to pay for your life since your mothers (not fathers but your mothers) didn’t facilitate it does unfortunately make you sound entitled.

@Vintagecreamandcottagepie

I have 1 sister, DP has a few, his all have children, mine has none, mine came round last Xmas bought a bag full of presents for her neice but this yr didn't even send a card for our dd this Xmas it was terrible, she never even mentioned it, we got her a few lovely gifts as I have done every yr so why just totally ghost us this yr heaven knows! Our Dad feels deep sadness about it m, can't undertand it either and has spoken to her but she just isn't int, we don't know what we'll do about this coming yr, my concern is confusing our dd when she gets a gift one yr then nothjng the next! The bizarre part of it was though she came dressed in an unforgettable bunny rabbit costume very odd I thought and of course our dd asked whens bunny auntie coming hasn't come this yr, I just said she was busy but it was odd how she came dressed, it was also the 2nd only time she'd met her!

@MichelleScarn I'm not sure I would, only because it's lovely for them to feel a wider community of family, our nextdoor neighbour has a mix of 3 aunts and uncles and cousins, they swop sitting regularly, they take the children out together regularly to play and are all able to enjoy nights out occ as help eachother with childcare for eachother. Our child only sees us, she sees cars pulling up outside our house always for our neighbours and excitedly wonders if they're coming to us and of course they don't and it's hard that is, you may not see it from my point of view and that's fine we each view life differently but to me I feel so sad that she doesn't get anyone else to come and be happy to see her other than us and my step dad

have 1 child, we prob shouldn't have had her to the lack of family support we've ended up with whjch now a few yrs later has been totally non existent!

We have a child that we longed for, for so long but we had to wait to financially support ourselves as our mothers weren't in our lives! We missed the damn point here, how did we think we'd cope without their support!

Utterly flabbergasting. I don't even know where to begin.

@Kanaloa I'm not entitled that we had to work to pay for our lives, we are very proud of how far we have come because we did it all by ourselves and had abs no help, we came from one of the poorest communities there is, my mother was there but didn't want anything to do with me, dp mum left them all very young, no contact, we had to re-educate ourselves and work really hard to ensure we can financially support our bills and mortgage to keep the rough over our heads as we knew we had no where to go to if we needed it, the sisters would help eachother but this support isn't here for us. We only have eachother, i guess it's just nice occ to have it a little easier sometimes for those who get a bit more of a foot up or help from their parents and know they can prob start sooner with a family as have some help there in future if needed, i don't know if that makes me entitled I certainly don't view what I'm trying to say as being entitled

She’s probably just hurt and feels sad that they’re choosing not to be in their lives when she sees people around her enjoying close family ties. What about that is hard to get?! Why do you need to find some angle to bash the OP with?

We don’t have family support in that we’ve always paid for childcare and still do. Our families live too far to help in that way and we don’t see them often. Maybe once every few months.
It was never expected or even considered that we’d have any help with childcare and that is the norm for many parents. If we want a night out we pay a babysitter

Why is asking a question 'bashing' the op? Who does state we prob shouldn't have had her to the lack of family support we've ended up with whjch now a few yrs later has been totally non existent! which to me reads like, they only had the DD because they were expecting family support.

We don’t have any family support either, OP. We’re all friendly and keep in touch, but no one does anything for us. I support my elderly Dad in many ways now.

Our children are teens now so we can go out-prior to that, we paid for babysitters occasionally.

It is sad, OP, but it gets better. Focus on your friends and keep on good terms with your family, things might improve. 💐

I don’t really understand to be honest,we have one child , no family support, no resentment, no sense of entitlement, no issues, like most other folks, a happy family unit, both parents work, pay for child care. That’s the norm.

you seem to have something else going on that’s causing you to feel you need financial or child care support?

@Stratusinium that is exactly what I'm saying! You know I have felt such a deep sadness about this, like it is really honestly so hard to take and I came here for support and again I've had a couple of very un-undertanding replies, I've been told I'm bitter and entitled and I'm jjsy upset, I'm a totally normal, kind and honest person that just wanted a normal life and I don't feel I have one and it life just never fails to amaze me how uncaring some people are! My mental health is at breaking point I am trying to support my poor dp also whose shrugging work a terrible bowel disease he's only 39 and they don't even ask how he is! Me and my mother didn't have a relationship but none of my DP family even asked me if I was ok when she was dying of cancer in the 7 wks after our daughter was born, who was sorting the funeral when I had a newborn baby! She died on the 7th wk, dp was made redundent a few months later and I think couldn't hack it as ended up so unwell with his bowels and was told unbelievably he'd eirher have a major bowel issue or bowel cancer! I have been to hell and back in that year and time has moved on but our remaining siblings don't care, I have to accept it but god it's hard! I don't know how some people can't undertand that I mean I don't know anyone that's gone through all that in a year I also had the worst Labour there was I was stuck in recovery for 4 days and with a broken coccyx due to a back to back Labour as they refused to give me a section. Life's been so hard it never seems to let up, I'm just eternally grateful that I am alive and here so far for my daughter and despite the family and support we lack I pray more than anything and I don't even think I believe in god, how can there be, that I am here as long as she needs me and I'll try my best but I won't lie being here atm is difficult

I'm sorry this reply was so long

@MichelleScarn no this isn't right, our sisters spoke to us before we had our child, they visited us when she was born and brought gifts, left and never spoke to us again! I never expected that, I had this ciew we'd meet up every now and then, I didn't expect them to be sitters for us or inbuilt childcare that is not what I am saying at all! I think it is important that there is other family around if you have kids we had that except our mums when we decided to have our child rhen they pulled away from us, it is confusing and not at all how we thought it would be, that is all

Ah another thing you don’t get

Read the OP’s post. She feels sad and is struggling. She feels guilty and is giving herself such a kicking that she is wondering if it was irresponsible of her to have a kid without a good support network around her (it takes a village n all).

Anything else I can help with just let me know

@HamBone

Yes I support my elderly dad also, he was never in my life but got in touch when I was much older, he's too old to even visit us now also.

I hope I can manage to find a way to deal with rhis, it's been building and building, I have no choice for my daughters sake I just have to keep going it just doesn't feel normal to have such little family around us. We have a beatiful
Home; the door is always open to them and they know that, we live in a nice place its not like we're living like a bunch of clampets and our dd is polite and kind she isn't horrible and difficult to be around so it's not that eirher 😔

The lack of support around the time of your Mum’s death is v. familiar, DH’s family was the same when my Mum died-basically avoided me for months!

You are dealing with alot with your DH’s illness on top of everything, you “should” be getting support, but you’re not. That’s their loss, tbh.

@Vodkaislethal abs not in need of financial support that's thankfully one of the least of our worries, what I am trying to say is for example most of our friends started their families sooner as had some financial outgoing taken off with some parental support offered so they didn't need to work as much as we did to save up for the extra childcare fees as they'd got soem of this in form of family help, that was the norm wirh the friends we had that had their children younger.

My partner and I did not have a single hour together alone until my youngest child started school. I lost my mother, my mother in law and my grandmother within a year of giving birth. My father in law moved immediately in with a woman he found on the equivalent of old back then and moved to another country. Our house was repossessed and we were evicted with a two month old. My husband has an autoimmune disease and was diagnosed with heart failure. I’m sorry you’re not coping, but your situation is really not all that unusual.

I think there are more in this situation than you think. I would try and enjoy your little family and build a few friends here and there. It's so upsetting when family don't bother with you. It's entirely possible your dsis isn't too well or happy herself though, rather than it being about you. We were definitely in that situation. DD is almost an adult now and the best. It was so hard when she was small, with no babysitting. But they start going on playdates and sleepovers and trips away with the school or scouts and gradually you get a bit more time together. Family dynamics change when someone dies I've found.