Are we sad losers or is this just how it is for some of us?

[Thislife55555]

Me and my partner are married and have 1 child, we prob shouldn't have had her to the lack of family support we've ended up with whjch now a few yrs later has been totally non existent!

Firstly, im massively struggling with this and the last few days it's draining me and I honestly don't know how to keep going!

We have a child that we longed for, for so long but we had to wait to financially support ourselves as our mothers weren't in our lives! We missed the damn point here, how did we think we'd cope without their support! We worked our abs asses off to move to a better area and forwent a lot of nights out and didn't have mucu time for friends, there was no way we'd have managed without a decent financial cushion and it's a good job as partner is now got a lifelong bowel disease inherited.

We have 4 sisters combined and none of them bother with us at all! Only 2 have seen our daughter and a combined total of 3 tiems between them in the last 3 yrs!

It's gut wrenching to be in a situaion where we know we are kind, decent people wirh the most lovely daughter and we have no family at all in our lives, I hate myself for not seeing this coming and I know this is our fault!

How can I get another perspective to help me to keep going for the sake our daughter?! Each day is like wading through mud, im sure if our sisters knew they'd relish this, it's terrible but why could they dislike us so much?!

I even sent one a msg asking what we had done; it was read and she replied not to me but her brother blaming a busy life and never bothered to finish the conversion app!

My mental health is taking such a beating as I feel like we're such losers as we're not the norm, we don't have a huge amount of friends, we do have a few people we do see but not hoards like most people seem to have!

Is it like this for other people too and I'm just letting the fake social media view of the perfect life colour my vision of reality??

Being financially stable is really important, OP. We moved far from family for job opportunities, as did DH’s siblings.

@HamBone yes we were totally avoided! It was eye opening! I get it now the saying you know who you're true friends/family are when times get tough, they never checked in on us, they don't ask me how their brother or son is with his stomach, they know but just don't speak to us! My DP is such a good bloke, we have our ups n downs but he has worked so so hard to try and provide a decent life for us, he never leaves me
In the crap he helps, he listens when he can he is not the usual and I'm so grateful for him I'm jjsy heartbroken that he l

@HamBone sorry, they he looks to be fading away in front of me; he looks so unwell it's so unfair! 😖 I just can't believe this is my life I wish sometimes lately that I could just take us to one
Of those African villages where people are so welcoming and take care of eachother as a family should, trying to live like this is so hard. All these people in this world and I always wonder if there is someone else like me right now feeling the same wondering how we could sit down and tell to eachother and just support one another, all this technology and social media and some of us are still lonely, it's a big world, i just didn't see this coming and it's been dawning on me where we're at

The most important people in your life are your child and husband, wasting time being bitter won’t help you. Cut them out if they make you feel crap. Just because they are family doesn’t mean they have to be nice people and you have to get along unfortunately. Concentrate on your child and make your own life with her , if your happy then she’s happy

@MobyJeff I'm so sorry to read this!! Life can be so unfair to some of us, I don't know about you but when I think back had it not been for my dd I don't know how I'd got through that time without her, I had no choice but to keep going and perhaps we don't know but maybe they helped in some way more than we relaise, I think had I knew I'd lose my mum, sister then his family and then see my husband be diagnosed with his illness with our the day of sunshine they was our dd I think I'd prob be in a worse state. I don't cope very well with this, I prob should be a lot more but it's a lot, I can't tell to my best friend who is my dp nor my close girl friend as she has her own set of issues atm and I don't want to add to them, thank your for replying and I hope you can keep going and I hope there is some decent help for your husband too out there I really do! X x x

@Whippetlovely It is just very sad, we have let them go now and yes I will do the best I can for our daughter too x

@Anon1368 Thank your for your reply too. Yes I found the dynamic did change massively! I had started to form a slightly better relationship with mum just before she found out she was I'll
Ironically about 6 wks before I found out I was pregnant, it was so crap, poor step dad who is lovely has really struggled and yes it's been hard. We do keep I touch with several friends luckily we have them and god I'm so grateful when we see them! We just do okay dates atm as she's only jjsy under 4, u think from she 9 it'll prob feel less hard when she starts to form her own relationships and I need to remember that this will change! Would have been lovely to see her be treated to a visit by even 1 aunt just to say hello

I am also battling with whether to have another, had a traumatic birth and recovery was very long, it worries me it only being us but we have a lovely couple that offered to take our dd if needed ok birth day we have reciprocated this offer as they are due in July their second. I just feel perhaps if I can arrange a section at least we have more control of the birth rather than what happened last time! I also am not sure how illl cope mostly on my own getting up so many times if the next is as bad sleeper as our dd as DH won't be able to help this time as much, but keep hearing no two are ever the same x

My Sister died, my father died & only my Mum left & she’s housebound. My DD’s Dad’s parents are too busy with their social life to be interested (his Mum will do 1 day each school holidays).

I literally have no family & no help. I get by though & we’re happy. I have some v v good friends that have my DD for tea & ask if I would like her to have a sleepover. I go camping with another set of friends.

I’m also still v good friends with my first boyfriends parents so I make a massive effort to see them. We’re friends with all the neighbours so my DD feels part of our neighbourhood. I have school mum friends (not close) but whenever we get invited to tea out (Wethers/pizza express) we always go!

there are so many people in our exact position. Could you nurture your existing friends & do things with them & ask for help when needed & what about school mums etc? Neighbours?

it’s really hard but honestly, you’re not alone & everyone has things they’re not happy with or that they’re battling, you just don’t know about the issues they have. Try to limit SM too, it’s incredibly fake a lot of the time.

I do understand why you're hurt and I think that's kind of fair enough but I do think you're making this a HUGE 'thing' when it needn't be.

We've never had childcare help, we had kids relatively young and it's just the norm for us. They're 12/16 now and the only time I really think about the fact we've never had a night away etc is when I read these kinds of threads. It's just life! I never really wanted it expected anyone to offer babysitting tbh.

I admit I'm sometimes envious when people have family support for things like if they're unwell or they have an appointment or whatever but we don't and it is what it is.

@Thislife55555 sending you a great big hug. It sounds very hard for you and your dh. I don't think you are entitled or anything, it's sad to not have family support and for your dc not to have aunties that want to be in her life. I would definitely suggest you give up social media, a lot of it is highly curated and will only make you feel worse about the situation. Try and find a way to be a peace with things and concentrate on making memories with just the three of you. Get to know your neighbours, get a pet, volunteer as a family, anything that takes you out of this headspace.

You describe people with hoards of people visiting, this is not the norm so throw that thought out for a start. You aren't losers.

Me and my partner are married and have 1 child, we prob shouldn't have had her to the lack of family support we've ended up with whjch now a few yrs later has been totally non existent

What a weird statement, now you are considering having another baby?

millions of people don’t have family for “support”. They don’t think they should not w had the child because there is nobody to help!! You ARE a family. You have ONE child to take care of yet every day is like wading through mud? Your child is not s baby, how hard can it be? Do you suffer with depression?

Er, lots of people don’t have family support … lots and lots.

So stop focusing on that, and focus on what you need to do to manage better. And don’t have any more.

I sense your disappointment stems from the fact that you do actually have family who could support you with your DD / husband's illness but are choosing not to . I do think that's harder (in terms of dealing with it in your head) than simply not having anyone.

There are just as many people who have DCs who don't have any support at all as ones that do I'm sure.

What I took from your post was 'you have a DH/ partner to share your life with'

I don't. Nor do I have any family or partner to face life with. It's just me and my 2 DC and has been long term. Assuming you are in a happy relationship then that's worth more than relatives' support.

You can't chose anything about what others do even though their actions hurt. Hard though it is to accept, the best thing you can do right now is get off Social media, stop comparing your life to others' and put all of your efforts into your immediate family. Running after something that never delivers is a hard habit to break but I think this is a lot more healthy than your current mind set

OP, my parents are dead, my dh's father is dead and his mother has dementia. Our DC has never met anyone from his wider family and most of my family have ignored me since my parents died. I have several chronic illnesses. We just muddle through as best we can (with no help) and as my dh says, "we've got our own family now."

It sucks to be let down but when you lower your expectations of your wider family to zero, your life and particularly your mental health will improve. Your sisters sound unkind and you don't need that kind of energy around your child anyway.
Random ideas if you want to find support; join a local church or if you have space and can afford it maybe get an au pair?

@StarDolphins thank you for replying! Very similar to me, I lost my brother at 8, never had contact with my dad until I was about 23 but very limited as didn't really know him then lost mum etc after we had our dd.

I do have a handful of friends I am so grateful for and we see one set of them every other wk which has helped hugely! Only issue is not one of them live close to us, they each live in a differnt part of town around 8 miles apart each.

We are considering moving somewhere else, undecided as yet where exactly but it is something we're seriously considering as where we live hasn't turned out to be as busy or friendly as we'd hoped. It's a family house estate but it's still full of the original occupants who are older retired couples, in our street there is jjsy our neighbour close by with a young family and baby but they don't make much effort to talk, I have said to let me know if she's ever like to go to our local park in town but she's not taken me up on it, have mentioned twice so won't ask again as doesn't seem int.

I think the community in our close proximity will be V important to us so we may neee to move soon before dd gets any older, she's just almost 4 atm.

My friend who lives bk in a busier part of town has a lot more families wirh children in her street and in her local park too, where we are def doesn't help. Xx

@Okisenough

I don't think where we live is helping us at all, it's prob what you'd describe as a more affluent area, we see a few families here with many visitors, always a lot of cars parked outside at wknds, this certainly wasn't the norm for many people where we prev lived. I'm not sure why that is but it's just making me feel out of the nrom. Where my closer friend lives & she is a single parent there is more single parents households & a mix of differnt types of families as the area is less affluent, more kids generally too.

I def think we need to move but my dp is really
Unsure about moving back as he thinks it's not a good idea as there is more crime there than where we are, we're taking petty crime nothing major I am concerned of at all! I want what's best for my daughter in regard to her social circle and she'll need access to children closer by, here each estate is a good 1-3 miles apart from one another, bakc there it all blended from one part of town to another.

Where we prev lived worked V well for myself for eg as a child as I had tons of friends, I can't see that happening here for her as for start the estates are so spread out in distance

But the fact we could move fills me with hope for her that this can be changed xx

@Swellinyewing possibly I do yes considering what I've had to deal with over the last few yrs it has eroded my mental health a lot! To put you fully in the picture, my birth was a Disaster I ended up half way through wirh a newly qual midwife who refused to believe the baby was stuck, no one checked me, it was only on the 18th hr a consultant came in asking why she'd not been born & rollocked her for not even checking me, demanded I go to theatre immediately, she was manually removed, broken my coccyx, spent 4 nts in recovery, didnr sleep at all as needed pain meds round the clock, I couldn't stand up for 2 days, baby had to be passed to me, when I stood up on the 3rd day I fainted o don't know why I was just in so much pain, I was housebound for the first 6 months as I could barely walk, couldn't sit down very mucu eirher. Our baby didn't sleep more than 2-3 hrs at a time without waking for the first yr of her life, i wa a shattered by the end of the first wk, I then caught covid and became very unwell and nearly had to go to hospital, what then resulted was a fatigue ive never exp in my life it was just awful, I was put on amytriptaline to help me to sleep but our dd never slept more than 3-4 hrs without waking and this went on until age 3, I'd say from age 1-2 she'd wake us 2-4 times a night then 2-3 1-3 times a nt, she had developed a couhhh from 6 mths old and this they think May possibly have been due to the covid I had as it started the same time I was unwell! She was given an inhaler eventually age 3 but I had to fight for it as they just kept giving us antibiotics every 4-5 mths, honestly ir was hell and it wore us down so much!

We know many people who have more than 1 child, never went throuhh the birth what I did, the terrible recovery, had covid as bad as I did and had babies that slept! Trust me because I know very well all those things can make a massive difference to how you will cope, when you start off massively on the backfoot before you even got home and then it snowballs and you have no help then your husband loses his job and is trying to find another then he gets sick you will feel affected by that on top of terrible sleep deprivation it wears you down A LOT! We have had it all, think what you want but I know no one that had it as hard as we did, it was truly horrible! We never wanted just 1 child but we never caught a break to have the 2nd sooner it woks have been stupid to pile more pressure on ourselves! Had we not had the issue with the birth and this I think is what made it massively worse we likely as we planned would have had our second closer to the first but with mum dying and her funeral
Also to sort out in that first 3 months of her life as well it was kind of too much, iyswim.

Havinf 1 child depending on how easily they firstly came in to this world, how well they sleep, and if they nap can be a very different exp to what we went through, our dd hardly ever napped either so imagine being awake 2-4 times a nt and not catching more than 15 mins break in the day either, every nt for best part of 3 yrs!! I only have one friend who can relate to how it was for us as she found out her child as adenoids he kept waking himself up snoring she was a single mum and she is still shattered as it was only discovered when he was 3.5! Every time he got sick he couldn't sleep as kept waking up struggling tro breathe.

This is how it can go for some of us. Never even read about adenoids or how some young children can wake up so much for so long, no indication provided for why,
Asthma, chest issues due to repeated coughing, adenoids etc etc

@lemonsaretheonlyfruit I think being surrounded by what appears to be the norm round here but I'm starting to see that this is just confined to where we are currently situated isn't helping, nor these posts you see of perfect families which isn't the norm for many of us, and makes you feel like you're failing at life.

I do have a partner which I'm so grateful for and he's s good man, that has stood with us through thick and thin Best he can.

Yes I need to try and now find a way to move forward letting these issues go and think carefully about where decide to live also as I jjsy don't feel like this is the right place for us. Xx

@NewtonsCradle thank you for replying, it means a lot! I'm sorry you've been through the mill also by the sounds of it 💐

It can be so tryifn for some of us, it really can.

Lowering my expectations is a very good point, I do, this is my starting point. And I have to remind myself would I even want these sisters in our lives now anyway after what they left us to deal with?! Abs not! They have proved how much we mean to them, abs nothing, and they don't deserve to be part of our lovely Lgs life either, it's a shame but based on how this has been it is prob a blessing in disguise as at least
We know their true characters, just not very nice people.

I would love an au pair! Can you imagine how good that would be!! Def can't afford one of those, I do need to join some form of club esp as she gets a little easier, just so glad she's sleeping better this last 9 mths since beinf on the inhaler and not coughing all nt.

Xx

I get what you're saying OP, I have friends who always seem to be enjoying big extended family days out, parties, holidays. I have come to accept that my side of the family are just a bit dysfunctional, and actually being that close to them would be incredibly stressful and unpleasant. There's power in acceptance. You're putting a lot of energy into this, and it's achieving nothing.

I mean this gently OP, but you are focusing a lot on what you don't have when actually you seem to have a lot. A child, a husband, a house, financial security, jobs...I'm sure there is more if you sit and think about it.

Spend time finding a really good childminder/babysitter and use them. Carve out time for yourself while your husband has your child and then swap.

Depending on the age of your child you could also look at getting them involved in some extracurricular activities that might give you some free time. We go out for a quick one course meal when ours are in youth club on a Friday night, for example. Browse the shops or sit in a cafe with a book between drop of and pick up at a music or sports lesson, that sort of thing. Is your daughter aged 3.5? A lot of these sorts of clubs and activities open up aged 4 and up, so hopefully all if that is just around the corner.

I can relate to what you’re saying - I’m an only child with a very difficult elderly mother who now demands vastly more support than she was ever willing to give. DH is one of three, but rarely has anything much to do with his family. And there are times when I’ve felt it’s a great shame for my kids that they don’t have the whole extended family experience. But families differ. And never make the mistake of thinking that what people post on Facebook is real life; people post what shows them in the most flattering light. So you’ll see the happy family afternoon, but not that your friend’s DH spent hours bitching about going, or that her nephew behaved like a brat, or that her BIL gets a bit leery after a few drinks, or that her MIL (just look at the threads on here!) said something to offend etc etc.

If I think of my good friends with kids, a few have what I’d term a small amount of parental support (the odd pick up/weekend once a year - that sort of thing). But then:

• One has a bit of parental support, but none from in laws (whom she finds very difficult). She’s on good terms with her brother, but they don’t have much to do with each other outside of her parents (if that makes sense).
• For another, that support comes with a lot of obligation on the other side and can’t stand her brother.
• For another, that comes with a lot of support from her the other way as her father is ill and her mother can’t cope - and her in-laws are definitely takers not givers.

So you might see any of those post a family picture at some point, but it really wouldn’t paint the whole picture! Honestly - it sounds trite, but just focus on what you do have and how well you’ve done to achieve it. Anything else is a bit futile.

I've read a good few of your posts here OP, and it sounds like the problem is actually you are feeling lonely and isolated.

I don't think the things you described in your opening post seem to be the real problem, and thats unfortunately what a few posters picked up on.

If your family aren't interested, I would focus on building a support network through friends which can be just as good as a family for you all.

I live on the other side of the world to all my family, and ama single parent so understand the lack of regular family visits, and the cousins all getting together.

You just need to reframe what that looks like for your own family now, I would start by inviting your DD friends over after school, if she's young enough, mum can come and have coffee while they play, put yourself out there, invite someone each time you head to the park, offer to host. You won't click with everyone, but you will find others in a similar situation also looking for friendships.

how are you? i know it's been quite some time but just came across this.. i think that it takes courage to share from your heart.

It sounds like you are hurt in very deep ways and feel rejected, which also feels the same for you and your family.

It's not easy but life is full of challenges. I don't think you sound entitled at all.. just someone who played by the rules, worked hard and then found out reality can be very cruel.

it is true but there is also love in unexpected places. I think there are some very harsh comments on here, I hope that you took them with a pinch of salt. Sometimes people are fighting their own challenges and it comes out in different ways online.

I hope that your mental health is better? try to practice compassion for yourself. If you don't know how to do that then you can even search for simple loving kindness meditations.

Take it one step at a time. There's a whole powerful world within us, waiting to be unlocked but it only unravels when we stop looking outwards and start to slow down and focus a bit more on our inner world.

I'm sorry it's so tough OP. Me and DH live far from family so despite having eleven siblings between us (big families!) we don't have any day to day support and no financial support or future expectations. The difference is I guess that I feel very sure that my family and DH's family care about us and the kids, and when we meet it's great - we're all on different continents right now. We don't do gifts much in our family as there's too many of us for it to be affordable, and don't get cards either, but the intangible stuff is there. I don't find it difficult to manage without family help - we never really go out as a couple but that's just how it is - but if I felt unloved by my family that would be very very painful. It must be hard to be struggling with so much health stuff and not get moral support.

Edited - zombie! Well, I hope things improved for you OP.