DH suicidal and anxious

[2757days]

My husband tried to commit suicide late last year and since then we've been on a roller-coaster trying to get him better. He initially started therapy and managed 5 or so sessions but didn't even get to start trauma cbt as they were just laying the foundations. He's had childhood bullying and a staunch religious upbringing that he's battled with for years, and he's been on some form of antidepressant since he was 18.
He came off citalopram and at the same time went on venlafaxine and at that point the therapy had to stop as the venlafaxine was awful for him and the coming off it was even worse.
He then wanted to go med free as he wanted to know who he was without medication, and also the ssri side effects were really getting to him.
We're now dealing with severe anxiety and occasional suicidal ideation and we just feel like there's nowhere to turn.
He tries journalling and walking but sometimes he just doesn't have the motivation to do it. We've got two kids, 1 and 3. The three year old doesn't talk but is getting Grommets soon so that should help as it's adding to the stress of daily life, but there's no guarantee.
He's been prescribed mirtazapine but if it doesn't work it looks like coming off is as bad as the venlafaxine and I don't know if we've got it in us to do it again.

I'm so lost, he hates what he's doing to our family and he's so overwhelmed with it all, he can't seem to order his thoughts to make a plan for how to tackle things without meds.

Anyone been in the same position, and any advice would be so appreciated.

I have been on both Venlafaxine and Mirtazapine. Mirtazapine withdrawal was very bearable, 3ap3cially when compared to the awful side effects of coming off Venlafaxine.

Thank you so much for your message, I've been so worried about him starting it but it might be just what he needs, it's the not knowing that's so hard.

Have you read Complex PTSD by Pete Walker? He has some very practical advice for suicide ideation / emotional flashbacks

https://www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm

can he get private psychotherapy?

https://www.pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

Sheryl Paul is great on anxiety and panic attacks.

Also just a thought on the journaling - is it possible his journaling is getting stuck in rumination. If he hasn’t had a decent amount of trauma aware therapy he might not be able to process his feelings, so journaling could just get him dug further into a rut? Had he come across the journalspeak method by Nicole Sachs? That’s free online, Google it.

https://conscious-transitions.com/this-is-what-often-unleashes-anxiety-and-panic/

I've not heard of that no, but through reading a bit of another book have been thinking about possible ptsd, thanks for the suggestion.
He had psycotherapy privately but she won't see him at the moment until he's less fragile so we feel totally stuck

Interesting thoughts, he's doing things like the journalling at the suggestion of his therapist but I'm not sure if it's right for him, we just feel like he's going round in circles getting nowhere.
I'll definitely look at those resources though, thanks.

Hi @2757days. So sorry to hear about what your husband is going through and also what you're going through as a family. Everyone is different and responds differently to it, but I have to say that mirtazapine has been excellent for me so far. I had postnatal depression, terrible anxiety and severe insomnia and it literally saved me. I haven't come off it yet but it's really helpful to hear another poster saying their withdrawal was bearable. Best wishes to you and here's hoping it's a good fit for your DH

Thanks so much for your kind wishes and for sharing your experience. Fingers crossed this is the one that helps. So sorry you've had such a hard time, it's awful when you've got little ones as well.

Has your husband tried gentle meditation?
It's not about emptying the mind but learning to sit with whatever thought arises. I used to suffer with awful anxiety and panic, I didn't use medication, what worked for me was becoming mindful of my way of thinking. l read up on literally every book to do with calming the mind, and practiced self care.
self love is the best medicine, often we are at war with ourselves through no fault of our own as T. D. Jakes would say "The battlefield is in your mind"
Hope your husband knows he is surrounded by love, he is a value member of your family and that the struggles he has now will pass.
I know the fear because my youngest son felt suicidal a few years ago. I de registered him from school, the interruption was what was needed, his anxiety levels came down, he started looking after himself better, placing more importance on diet, sleep, exercise. He is back in education now and the transformation is unbelievable. Sometimes we just need to take time out, so we can rebalance.
I wish you and your husband the best of luck.
Panic End a good forum for anxiety and panic.
"Mind Calm" is a good book as well as "Dare". Very good reviews on Amazon. Also Michael Kewley on Facebook very good at explaining what causes our suffering and how to let it go. All of the above were/ are a big help to me.

he can't seem to order his thoughts

This is something remedial hypnosis can help with because it would allow him to communicate with his subconscious mind - and that's where the trauma lies. Most CONTROL system practitioners offer a free initial consultation to see if this therapy will work.

https://www.thecontrolsystem.co.uk/find-a-practitioner

CMDR therapy is meant to be really effective for some people too if they've experienced trauma

He hasn't no, lots of really great suggestions, thank you for taking the time to reply so extensively. I'm trying really hard to let him know how loved he is, but self love is a really hard thing at the moment. We will persevere though. It's wonderful that your son came out the other side and gives me hope that we will get there too. Thanks again.

I think he needs to be throwing everything at this now. He must feel really awful and it's having a tremendous impact on your family. I have gone through this with my ex-husband, and I seriously doubt anyone can get through such severe depression without medication. The whole thing with the medication as well is to keep on taking it and not mess about with it, missing doses etc.

If he wants to try mindfulness meditation as @DancedByTheLightOfTheMoon describes it, there’s a really good Headspace introduction series on Netflix and various free videos on YouTube.

Maybe way off base but have you considered neurodivergent?

I was very like this. Then had kids and had a few good years because I literally had to cope if I check out they suffered. Then my child is diagnosed autistic then I realised I am too. I'm now diagnosed autistic and ADHD. Immediately I'm better. I'm not wrong I'm different. I don't have to force myself into the NT mould it's ok to be different. Until my kiddo was diagnosed I had no idea just years of "anxiety and depression". SSRIs if anything made me worse. I just felt like I couldn't cope with life and because everyone else could it made me feel worse. Now I don't force myself to cope! I avoid the stuff that I really struggle with or take a break. Which means actually overall I cope with more as I feel better.

Just something to consider if he's struggling for years and making no headway. But I may be way off base

I was in your position many years ago and the one thing I regret was not asking him to leave while he sorted himself out, instead I allowed the children to witness it.

Also wondering about ASD/adhd?

And another vote for meditation - I’ve learnt how to stop overthinking and catastrophising through meditation. It’s been life changing. You acknowledge thoughts but let them go away as you’re focusing on something else.

No experience with any of those meds /situation but I just wanted to send you a big hug. Your kids are so tiny and I just realised you have a 1yo and your dh tried his attempt last year which means your youngest must have been so little. Your poor woman, what you must have went through. Have you thought of counselling for yourself? How are you coping, do you have any support or people around you helping you with kids and just talking to? What would happen if your dh left to work on himself in another place? Hugs op.

I'm so sorry that he's going through this, and you are an amazing person to stand by him and support him!

Like other people say, what about a gentler medication just to ease part of it of? I've found Citalopram has helped me recently and Ive been suicidal/depressed for many years.

He might find by taking it low and slow it's not to strong for him (if that makes sense). Sometimes I felt like your mind is learning to deal with depression better. Also taking medication then stopping could've caused the depression to get worse because of withdrawal?

Has he tried a cbd vape for the anxiety?

My DH takes medication for extreme anxiety. Twice he has come off it for similar reasons to your DH but he hasn't managed to cope with the anxiety without it.

In all honesty, if your DH is having suicidal thoughts I don't think he should be off medication, especially as he isn't accessing counselling and you have a young family. You cannot be expected to bear the challenges of raising two small children and coping with a suicidal husband.

Also, he won't be able to settle and make a plan without the medication.The anti-depressants will settle his mind to put him in a place to be able to make better decisions.

He then wanted to go med free
Maybe he owes it to you and dc to keep trying meds

It s not fair on you

Let him discuss it with his doctors
To get the right meds
To get stable
To be able to access therapy

Who is looking after you?
Who is supporting you?
Who helps with dc?

Two small dc
One with speech issues etc
Grommets may help, does the 3 yr old use signs?

Is there someone who can take on dh or support him while you focus on dc and you?

I had 3 small dc one with no speech asd etc when then p was struggling with mh issues... he was declining meds much other stuff but something had to give . he had to go and seek support elsewhere.. (becaMe exp.) .

It sounds harsh but your dh needs professional help. he is responsible as an adult for his mh..

occasional suicidal ideation he needs to take that to his gp or psychiatrist.

You will break or dc will lose out if you try to do everything and meet everyone s needs yourself. Protect yourself.

My DH had a mental breakdown a few years ago, he spent 6 weeks in a psychiatric clinic and it really way trial and error with the medication, he initially started with citalopram, then tried mirtazapine, lithium, ans various tohers then found venlafaxin worked best for him but really depends on each person and sometimes in finding the right combination, he at one stage had an antidepressant and an anti-psychotic. If your DH has a good psychiatrist who can monitor and advise that will help. The medication was the big thing that made the difference in my DH recovery, alongside therapy/psychiatrist appointments and exercise.

I think meds is definitely the way to go. We just got waylayed by his last docs appointment as he was told if he wasn't very down every day, then he likely didn't have depression and ssri meds might not be the best fit. He's getting put on mirtazapine tomorrow for anxiety but I'm not sure if that's right.
I've been wanting him to go on citalopram as he's been on it for 6 years and done well with it but dr said it can't have been that great if he tried suicide on it. All very confusing.
I just feel like we're fumbling in the dark at the moment and help has been really slow/non existent with NHS.
Luckily I have amazing family who help with the kids so I make sure they're OK through it all, but I definitely feel overwhelmed at times and that's hard.
DS doesn't use signs but once we've got his grommets in we'll get back on to speech therapy and see what we can do to encourage speech, as it didn't make a jot of difference the last time we did it.