Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Original poster

DH suicidal and anxious

40 replies

2757days · 22/04/2023 20:02

My husband tried to commit suicide late last year and since then we've been on a roller-coaster trying to get him better. He initially started therapy and managed 5 or so sessions but didn't even get to start trauma cbt as they were just laying the foundations. He's had childhood bullying and a staunch religious upbringing that he's battled with for years, and he's been on some form of antidepressant since he was 18.
He came off citalopram and at the same time went on venlafaxine and at that point the therapy had to stop as the venlafaxine was awful for him and the coming off it was even worse.
He then wanted to go med free as he wanted to know who he was without medication, and also the ssri side effects were really getting to him.
We're now dealing with severe anxiety and occasional suicidal ideation and we just feel like there's nowhere to turn.
He tries journalling and walking but sometimes he just doesn't have the motivation to do it. We've got two kids, 1 and 3. The three year old doesn't talk but is getting Grommets soon so that should help as it's adding to the stress of daily life, but there's no guarantee.
He's been prescribed mirtazapine but if it doesn't work it looks like coming off is as bad as the venlafaxine and I don't know if we've got it in us to do it again.

I'm so lost, he hates what he's doing to our family and he's so overwhelmed with it all, he can't seem to order his thoughts to make a plan for how to tackle things without meds.

Anyone been in the same position, and any advice would be so appreciated.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 24/04/2023 09:02

Maybe he needs pychiatriast referral ? Se ond opinion

cestlavielife · 24/04/2023 09:03

Or specialist gp

cestlavielife · 24/04/2023 09:04

(Push makaton for the 3 year old )

matchalattewithsoy · 24/04/2023 09:25

I can identify with your DH. I desperately want to hurt myself at the moment, as I feel so frustrated and tired of living with my own brain.

I wonder if my feelings could maybe give you insight into DH. For my part the added pressure of holding myself together for everybody has become like a pressure cooker and I'm now fit to burst. Everything exhausts me, and I'm constantly making plans for how I can disappear without distressing everyone around me. Ultimately I then realise that's not possible and so I carry on.

I want to be gone tbh. But my responsibilities keep me going.

Tabby87 · 24/04/2023 09:45

I manage bipolar II without medication. Tried every type of meds available but was physically allergic to all, so the psychiatrists recommended staying unmedicated.

I still have symptoms though I've been able to work full time in a stressful career for years.

I focus on sleep, exercise and staying busy. I also avoid friends / social things (except work) if overwhelmed and almost never drink alcohol.

I keep a daily journal but it's more a record of hours worked, exercise, social things and calories than deep and meaningful.

Overall, not dwelling on it helps. Don't go down the rabbit hole of reading the forums, youtube videos etc. Stay busy as much as possible.

Original poster
2757days · 24/04/2023 18:31

He's due to have an NHS psychiatry appointment next week so that might take us a different route.
I've heard of makaton so when we speak to speech therapy I'll def mention it.

OP posts:
Original poster
2757days · 24/04/2023 18:33

matchalattewithsoy · 24/04/2023 09:25

I can identify with your DH. I desperately want to hurt myself at the moment, as I feel so frustrated and tired of living with my own brain.

I wonder if my feelings could maybe give you insight into DH. For my part the added pressure of holding myself together for everybody has become like a pressure cooker and I'm now fit to burst. Everything exhausts me, and I'm constantly making plans for how I can disappear without distressing everyone around me. Ultimately I then realise that's not possible and so I carry on.

I want to be gone tbh. But my responsibilities keep me going.

I'm so sorry you're going through that. It's exactly what my DH says to me. He sometimes wishes we'd never had kids so that he could be selfish and just do what he wanted. It's so hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
2757days · 24/04/2023 18:34

Tabby87 · 24/04/2023 09:45

I manage bipolar II without medication. Tried every type of meds available but was physically allergic to all, so the psychiatrists recommended staying unmedicated.

I still have symptoms though I've been able to work full time in a stressful career for years.

I focus on sleep, exercise and staying busy. I also avoid friends / social things (except work) if overwhelmed and almost never drink alcohol.

I keep a daily journal but it's more a record of hours worked, exercise, social things and calories than deep and meaningful.

Overall, not dwelling on it helps. Don't go down the rabbit hole of reading the forums, youtube videos etc. Stay busy as much as possible.

That's really interesting. It seems like having a rigid set of lifestyle changes can help go med free so definitely something to think about when he's more stable.

OP posts:
Choconut · 24/04/2023 19:45

I'd wonder if your 3 year old and your husband may both be autistic, being ND tends to run in families. May not be but worth a thought.

Original poster
2757days · 24/04/2023 20:27

Choconut · 24/04/2023 19:45

I'd wonder if your 3 year old and your husband may both be autistic, being ND tends to run in families. May not be but worth a thought.

It's something we've thought and looked at for DS but he's too little to tell. He's got cousins on DH side who are autistic so we wondered with the speech, and in particular speech regression that he's had.

OP posts:
Original poster
2757days · 25/04/2023 12:51

Dilemma19 · 23/04/2023 22:11

No experience with any of those meds /situation but I just wanted to send you a big hug. Your kids are so tiny and I just realised you have a 1yo and your dh tried his attempt last year which means your youngest must have been so little. Your poor woman, what you must have went through. Have you thought of counselling for yourself? How are you coping, do you have any support or people around you helping you with kids and just talking to? What would happen if your dh left to work on himself in another place? Hugs op. Flowers

Thanks so much for your kind words. It was hard that what was supposed to be a happy year with our new little one, turned into such an awful one.
Thank god for my kids though as they've gotten me through it all.
I've got an amazing family and in particular my mum who has been there to listen, look after the kids and do anything she can to ease the burden.
I'm in the process of signing up to therapy and we're looking at him going to stay in one of the mental health refuges in our area just for a break to work on things. Hopefully that'll help.
Definitely going to look at autism though as it runs in his family and might explain some things.

OP posts:
coffeeisthebest · 25/04/2023 18:11

That's a lot OP. I was reading through the first page of posts and I was coming on to suggest stable, long term therapy but I can see that you are looking into it already. I have never attempted suicide but I have lived with what I would term 'casual suicidal ideation' for a long time until I was in long term therapy and my therapist completely pulled me up on it and I don't anymore. It has taken a lot of work in therapy, but I can see now that I needed a stable base that I didn't get in my own childhood. It has taken a long time, but I figure it took me a long time to get completely messed up too. I have taken antidepressants when things were very dark and difficult but I am not on them now, I have routines in my life and I try not to do some form of self care everyday. I know that I am responsible for keeping myself well, I think that is the real difference now. I actively want to stay alive and look after my life. I wish you and your husband all the best, but this is his stuff that he needs to deal with, not yours OP, so look after yourself very carefully too.

coffeeisthebest · 25/04/2023 18:12

Sorry I mean I try to do some self care everyday!

Original poster
2757days · 25/04/2023 21:43

coffeeisthebest · 25/04/2023 18:11

That's a lot OP. I was reading through the first page of posts and I was coming on to suggest stable, long term therapy but I can see that you are looking into it already. I have never attempted suicide but I have lived with what I would term 'casual suicidal ideation' for a long time until I was in long term therapy and my therapist completely pulled me up on it and I don't anymore. It has taken a lot of work in therapy, but I can see now that I needed a stable base that I didn't get in my own childhood. It has taken a long time, but I figure it took me a long time to get completely messed up too. I have taken antidepressants when things were very dark and difficult but I am not on them now, I have routines in my life and I try not to do some form of self care everyday. I know that I am responsible for keeping myself well, I think that is the real difference now. I actively want to stay alive and look after my life. I wish you and your husband all the best, but this is his stuff that he needs to deal with, not yours OP, so look after yourself very carefully too.

It's nice to hear that some people can go anti depressant free. I definitely agree that taking responsibility for your mental health is key and making lifestyle changes to create long lasting positive effects is good. It's really hard at the moment to find the line between helping him and taking away his ability to work through situations himself. Each day were learning.
Yea self care is essential, I do a lot of reading and painting that I find really essential to keep me ticking over.

OP posts:
coffeeisthebest · 26/04/2023 09:14

OP, I think the greatest service you can do him is just to react to him authentically, rather than manage him and what is going on around him. It's bloody hard to be around someone in the grip of depression, my husband was really clear on what he could help me with and where I needed to help myself. It was hard at times but it probably saved our marriage and stopped me from becoming entirely dependent on him. Good luck, I am so pleased you have your own support.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page