Offer support or ask WTAF?

[ThirdCultureKid]

This is a tricky one. How would you deal a very good friends sudden declaration that they have self-diagnosed themselves with ‘severe ADHD’ and anyone in our friend group that does not accept the adaptations she has requested is ‘disrespectful and ignorant of those with non-visible disabilities’.

This came to a head after she stood all four of us up, with no notice, at an Easter event that we went to at her request. The text we got when we asked where she was announced her self-diagnosis and told some ‘home truths’ highlights below (not word for word – just a small overview of the main points)

'I refuse to mask for you anymore – so I will be late, its part of my disability and something that I can’t and will not change. You will have to understand that I am inattentive, so I will leave conversations/situations that don’t interest me and I don’t owe you an explanation. I also forget to reply or respond to calls or messages, don’t chase me up on it – you will add to my stress. I’m emotionally fragile at the moment, this diagnosis is very new to me, so I can’t have any negativity, at all. If you do bring negativity you are basically abusing and harassing me. I have been failed by the system as an older woman with ADHD, so I have anger issues at being misdiagnosed in the past and now I have unmasked that will come out, you need to be understanding and accepting if I lash out.'

We are a bit confused and want to be supportive, but also WTAF. What do we do with this?

That sounds like she has the term muddled.
ADHD - Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder
Everything she is describing sounds more like Autism.

Tell her to fuck right off with her attitude!! An invisible disability is not an excuse to behave like a twat

If she is suffering from all of that, she needs to get a professional diagnosis and the right support.
But the cynic in me (just from your post) thinks it sounds like a 'trendy' thing to have and an excuse to be awful....

Bullshit. I've just been diagnosed with adult ADHD. I know that I'm pretty much incapable of being on time for everything - so in order not to let people down, I'm generally always early, as I over-compensate and allow too much time. I'm on meds and trying really hard not to zone out/talk over people as I get how rude it is. She's just unpleasant.

Either accept it, or don't. That's it really. Surely there must have been some clues that something was different about her before.

Whether those are autism traits rather than ADHD or not (agree with PP that it seems more autistic to me) someone can't self diagnose themselves with this and give themselves a load of "adjustments" that are just being fairly rude and combative, and accept friends to be accepting of it.

I'd probably just give her a wide berth. Whatever is going on she will hopefully work it out eventually. But I wouldn't pander to her at all.

Accepting of some traits and the fact she genuinely may not be able to help being forgetful etc sure, putting up with her lashing out errr nope.

What does she mean by is diagnosed? The fact it's always been missed by professionals?

That is the bit we are struggling with.

We have known her 30 years and we have not had any inkling of ANY issues. When this was very very gently brought up she just went on a rant about masking, how you never know and how DARE we presume that we know her struggles.

The thing is we do think she is having a bad time at the moment and this is actually the manifestation that she is not her usual self.

All of you individually reply, "Wow, how weird, me too. Same applies to me - great to know that we'll understand each other".
Then don't reply to her messages for a month.

The misdiagnosis remark relates to women being not being correctly diagnosed as ADHD and Autism were templated on male behaviours and as such girls were not diagnosed correctly for years (i think that was the gist of what she was saying)

This would be wonderful.

That may be the case then. I must confess that I do not know anything about masking, so I was commenting from a place of ignorance. Hopefully other posters will be more informative.

I see. Places are catching up, I know lots of women who have got an official diagnosis of adhd/asd or both later in life. She seems quite angry, although I don't think her friends are the people she should be taking it out on. I can't imagine sending my friends such an aggressive message

We have known her 30 years and we have not had any inkling of ANY issues.

I have people know me for longer and had no idea I am both autistic and have ADHD. The masking broke me in the end. I still feel like an imposter, particularly when I come up against this kind of attitude.

I would tell her you are happy to step back and offer supper if and when she needs it. Then see how things go.

She isn't necessarily making this up. The lightbulb moment is one of the strongest feelings I have ever experienced in my life.

As someone with a late (age 41) ADHD diagnosis her message is bizarre and not a totally helpful interpretation of symptoms.

It can be enormoualy liberating to be diagnosed and understand the reaaon behind symptoms one has suffered for decades, but none of us can reasonably expect to refuse to attempt to manage any of the symptoms and mantain relationships/participate in society. Yes, adjustments can often be made and be materially helpful but this is not a productive way to go about requesting them.

Tell her to fuck off.
Diagnosed or not it's not a reason to suddenly start treating your friends like shit.

@ThirdCultureKid

She is absolutely correct about the misdiagnosis of women and girls and the assessments being based on male behaviours.
I went to a talk recently about ADHD and learnt that for every 10 people diagnosed, only one will be female.
Women and girls are known to mask much better than males. Years of masking is what breaks people in the end.
I have an 18 year old son with an autism diagnosis. When I read the list of traits at this talk, I recognised my son. There is a lot of cross over between the two.
My son is a brilliant master. Very few people realise he is autistic unless they see him when he is 'off'. I spend a lot of time at home communicating with him via text while he is wrapped head toe under a blanket as this is his safe place.

I obviously have no idea if your friend has ADHD but I wouldn't dismiss it. She may have reached her breaking point.

So, what you're saying is that she hasn't been diagnosed by anyone with a clue as having ADHD, never mind severe ADHD. I take it then that she has googled it and convinced themselves that that's them and that it now gives them a green light to act however they want because IF they had that condition then they think that would cover it?

Personally, I'd be crossing a person off my friends list and I'd let them label me whatever term they want to google. If you're feeling charitable for old times sake, then I'd advise they get some help and not the internet kind.

Simple. If she's a very good friend then realise that she's feeling extremely insecure and uncomfortable about how much you all mean to her and feels guilty about her behaviour. The more afraid someone is, the more aggressive they tend to be.
I would let her know that you respect and thank her for her honesty about where she is now. That you're always going to be her friend and will give her whatever space she needs. Her diagnosis doesn't change the fact she's always been and still is a loved friend, and your future has just become more honest and enjoyable for all of you. Friendship is an adventure that always moves forward, it's not supposed to be a bungled jaunt into an early and entirely unnecessary retirement home.

How embarrassing for her.
After asking if she's drunk I'd tell her she sounds like an attention seeking ten year old.
She's completely rude.

Having disabilities and being a rude twat are two different things.

Just reply, 'ok then' and then leave her to it.

She just sounds rude to be honest. If you stand someone up you should be apologetic about it surely rather than aggressive.

I guess your reaction will depend a lot on whether you want to keep her as a friend or not. And if you believe she believes it all.

I heard a podcast the other day with a guy called Daniel Amen, and he said something interesting about hormonal changes in women as they age having a very real impact on personality and the perception of reality.
It really hit a chord with me, as I am now intensely unhappy about things that I thought were actually fine. And it does make you question yourself, was I masking in the past when I thought these things were fine?

I would give her the benfeit of the doubt and offer support.

Thirty years of friendship and she is usually ok? I would presume she is struggling and be generous but any other bigger past issues and I would let slide away.