Offer support or ask WTAF?

[ThirdCultureKid]

This is a tricky one. How would you deal a very good friends sudden declaration that they have self-diagnosed themselves with ‘severe ADHD’ and anyone in our friend group that does not accept the adaptations she has requested is ‘disrespectful and ignorant of those with non-visible disabilities’.

This came to a head after she stood all four of us up, with no notice, at an Easter event that we went to at her request. The text we got when we asked where she was announced her self-diagnosis and told some ‘home truths’ highlights below (not word for word – just a small overview of the main points)

'I refuse to mask for you anymore – so I will be late, its part of my disability and something that I can’t and will not change. You will have to understand that I am inattentive, so I will leave conversations/situations that don’t interest me and I don’t owe you an explanation. I also forget to reply or respond to calls or messages, don’t chase me up on it – you will add to my stress. I’m emotionally fragile at the moment, this diagnosis is very new to me, so I can’t have any negativity, at all. If you do bring negativity you are basically abusing and harassing me. I have been failed by the system as an older woman with ADHD, so I have anger issues at being misdiagnosed in the past and now I have unmasked that will come out, you need to be understanding and accepting if I lash out.'

We are a bit confused and want to be supportive, but also WTAF. What do we do with this?

I was late diagnosed adhd.

I can't even imagine deciding to tell everyone that I intended to consistently be late/would ignore their messages (but they aren't allowed to be upset)/be rude to them if I wasn't finding them interesting (and they aren't allowed to be upset by that either)...never mind then telling people that I was going to be emotionally volatile and that this is their problem to deal with too. That's not asking for understanding or accommodations, that's someone acting like an entitled prick.

What actually happened when I was diagnosed was that when I told people it was an explanation for some behaviour/quirks they already knew about (I mask like a pro, but some of this stuff still shows sometimes no matter how hard I try - nobody who'd known me well for a long time was surprised). I assured them that if I was forgetful it really wasn't personal, and that I was trying my best (using a LOT of techniques to help myself in areas I know can be tricky). You do stuff to work with it once you know; just leaning into "I'm not going to even try, my behaviour is going to be shitty and you have to deal with it" isn't helpful for anyone.

If it turns out she does have ADHD she might need some understanding at times, if she's trying but still struggling (stuff like not giving her a hard time if she forgets to reply to a message, or if she's running late despite her best efforts), but she should still be considering your feelings, and she should still apologise if she does something (even accidentally) that upsets or inconveniences other people.

How embarrassing for you

If she's a very good friend who presumably you've all known for some time it's very odd that this should come out in a text. Can you write back asking for a proper conversation with her?

See, when my friend, who I’ve been friends with since primary school, was diagnosed with ADHD in her early 40s it was a lightbulb moment and explained a lot of the stuff that has annoyed me about her over the years. Now I know she has this diagnosis, I understand her better - and am more patient. But it definitely made sense.
And she was never a twat about it or told me what I HAD to do with her diagnosis.

If she is telling the truth, she could have explained it without being so aggressive.

I would reply saying thank you for sharing this with me and leave it there.

She’s clearly struggling and if she really does have severe ADHD, she needs professional help. You can’t provide that and it doesn’t sound as if she wants to spend time with your friend group atm

It certainly sounds like your friend is struggling as it’s unusual for someone to state they are basically going to be shit friend and you mustn’t question it as they have self diagnosed.

Who knows where the truth lies - self-diagnosis is always fraught with problems. However, whether her diagnosis is correct or not, she clearly has a big problem at the moment, whether ADHD/autism/emotional problems/whatever, so if she really is a good friend then it is worth going gently with her as far as possible. Her message is quite combative and likely to put people's backs up, but she is clearly feeling very fragile at the moment.

She doesn’t seem to understand what masking is. It’s perfectly reasonable for people to develop strategies so that they can turn up more or less on time, with a bit of leeway. It’s ok for any neurotype to be a bit bored by someone’s conversation but to politely listen to some extent. If someone texts ‘what time are we meeting tomorrow’ it’s not appropriate to ignore, it might be ok to forget to answer general ‘how are you’ type things. There has to be five and take on both sides, it doesn’t sound like there’s any coming from her?

She normally is a very good friend and we we all grew up together, so we know each other very well and generally have very little drama. So the combative nature of the message caused some 👀especially as a number of us do have disabilities and have always been supported.

One of the group did message back (before we could get hold of her) 'So can I just clarify....... you want the freedom to be seven levels of rude but don't want to be called out on it.... because that would be rude? is that correct? have I read that right?'

I love that reply from your friend! That is brilliant. Did she respond to that? This feels like something that needs to be talked about face to face otherwise surely you will all be walking on eggshells around her.

She's not replied.

One of the group is looking to pop in at the beginning of next week to have a chat. At the moment we are trying to decide who is to go as her closest mate in the group has refused on the basis that shes was irritated by the message and not best person to be level headed, compassionate or understanding (and was the one that sent the message lol)

Tbh it sounds like going from no problem to this that there is something serious going on. I can't imagine why someone turning so dramatically would result in their friendship group being offended at the rudeness rather then wondering what is wrong and how they can help.

Smart ass replies are not really what she needs.

The reply was very clever - but was it kind? This lady clearly has some problem and probably needs gentle handling at the moment. No-one who is mentally well would have sent the oiriginal message.

I’d support her in getting some medical help as it’s clear she’s having a significant mental health issue.

Whether she’s correct and it’s ADHD, or there’s another issue, she needs help.

If she’s a great friend of long-standing, I’d let the rudeness of her initial text go, but would approach her from a position of concern. You don’t need to be anybody’s emotional punch-bag, but I’d give her the benefit of the doubt and see how open she is to getting some help.

So an update on this.

We, as a group, messaged back a gentle message of support.

A week later we got a frankly nasty message about how we liked to think we were nice people but actually we are all so two faced because when Amy* had her 'little drama' we were all over hers with offers of help, flowers and hugs - But with her all she got was a insincere reply.

(BTW Amy had a very harrowing late term loss not quite a 'little drama')

It was the death knell of the group chat. Everyone left just after the message arrived and we defaulted into our own small friendships.

*name changed