Ashamed of the person I used to be and can't move on

[MESHWIASH]

Long story but here it goes. My earliest memory I have is my mum and dad fighting, me sitting on the stairs and the police coming to the house, I have some happy memories of childhood but the main thing I remember is being a very shy, anxious little girl. I can remember worrying about everything, being sensitive and crying a lot, I was always told to stop crying and to this day I still get told by expended family how much I used to cry. My mum adored me but suffered with her own mental health, she self harmed and was bulimic whilst I was growing up. I was quiet at school, behind on my work and often bullied. In the holidays between primary and secondary school I changed, I went from being bullied to being the bully, I got to the top of all my classes but was not a nice person. Left school and discovered alcohol and men, slept around, lots of one night stands and I mean a lot, put my self in danger and had no regards for my safety. I was self harming needy and high maintenance and so full of self doubt I just pushed everyone away, surprisingly my friends from this time are still my friends now. I tried to end my life during this time and was constantly arguing with my parents, if tenancy staying away for weeks and not telling them where I was. I needed attention in any way, shape or form, I would drink and then cry to whoever was willing to listen to me. Fast forward to mid 20s my mum passed away unexpectedly and I ended up acting like my father's carer, I then moved away to start new, but the drinking, self harm and sleeping around continued. Around 7 years ago I met my now DH, and in time moved town, jobs and started my own family. My mental health has never been better, I'm still over worry but I'm happy however I get flas backs of those dark times, flash backs of being a bully, flash backs of sleeping with different men and it makes me feel ashamed. I would hate for my children to be like me and know my past, I feel sick at how I used to treat and intimidate other people. How do I get over this, is my guilt my punishment for my past choices??

Many people with less to deal with than you are bullies, behave recklessly or stupidly and make poor choices. I’ve definitely ticked all those boxes in my time and like you I have gone through periods of guilt and unhappiness before making my peace with it and myself.

Kids are stupid: without guidance they will bully and be unkind. Please don’t give yourself a hard time about this. I don’t personally think sleeping around is much to be ashamed of. You’ve been through a lot and like everybody who has had a hard time that comes out somewhere.

I am no longer particularly religious but it may help to know that when Jesus came to earth he did not surround himself with the virtuous and the good - the lepers and the tax collectors, prostitutes and the like. Remember that going forwards and show that compassion and care for someone who doesn’t deserve it

You can't change the past but I wonder if you might find it helpful to have therapy where you can talk about how you're feeling.

I also wonder if you could maybe do some things to ease your conscience (I'm not saying you need to, we all make mistakes). I'm thinking perhaps volunteering a few hours per week or donating clothes to charity, making a donation to a women's refuge or foodbank stuff. Or even helping an elderly neighbour. When I feel shit about myself, I try to do something to help others and it makes me feel a bit better knowing I've done some good in the world.

I'm a totally different person now. I'm actually a nurse so helping people daily. I help my elderly neighbours and try to be kind to people. I don't think I'm making up for my past, I generally think I've always been a kind natured person as I was a very thoughtful sensitive child, I just lost my way a little.

I find it hard that people I know from years ago, family included still see me as that person I used to be, and not the person I am today

I needed attention in any way, shape or form

There it is, in a nutshell. Your parents failed you, not deliberately but with the failings of their own lives, so you did whatever was necessary to make sense of your being. There's a quote I use a lot "humans are meaning-making machines" - we have an innate need to understand who we are and what our place is in this confusing world. Because you didn't get that guidance from your Mum and Dad you had no choice but to try all the available options for yourself - crying, bullying, self harm, sex, drink - just to try to figure out who you were and where you best fitted in life.

But now you've become the person you actually always wanted to be; happy with your DH, children and life - "my mental health has never been better" - that's because your adult mind is now in control. At the time you were doing all the things you now reject, you thought it was the right thing for your own survival and self esteem - nothing you did then was deliberately calculated to hurt other people, only to protect yourself.

It's OK. You can let it go.

Hi Op
Everyone has a past,
People have shadow aspect to their psyche,

Another words similar to that Book Title 50 shades of Grey,
I think people's perspective/personalities can be a case of various shades hues of grey spectrum aswell,

You were naturally senistive child but didn't have your parents there for you emotionally as they had their own issues struggle to deal and were far too self absorbed ,

You had a really Crap experiences as a child being bullied at school which in itself is obviously Traumatic

The reason why you went off the rails and having one stands ect
You were clearly looking for any kind of affection ,in all the wrong places , that's why you were so Needy ,
It was the reflection, just like mirror. reavealing manifestation of being emotionally neglected ect..

Nobody is Perfect
If anybody thinks they are Perfect they are clearly delusional 🙄

You turned to Alchol to numb your feelings , so you wouldn't have to deal with them, when it became all too overwhelming for you, etc

Like a pressure cooker simmering away under surface...

Thankfully your friends could see that you were emotionally vunerable, on a self destructive streak , and that you were a person well worth getting to know despite your flaws at that time in your life

My advice is to seek good Therapy or Therapies that will start to address your unresolved Traumatic "hurt inner child experinces, ect

It's never too late to do this,

No wonder you went off the rails ect
After

Focus on good things you have got going in your life now...which we all deserve,
Not on the past so much

We can only learn from the past and keep moving forward...

Life is far too short to dwell on the past a lot or most of the time
Is detrimental to our well being and sabotaging our future,

There's certain Aspects to your mumsnet post @MESHWIASH

I can totally relate to it /get it
Seriously Resonated with me so so much

Especially when you say have changed so much self development growth

Thank you for starting this mumsnet Thread @MESHWIASH

By writing this,

It's obviously beneficial for you , and also other people women who have experienced shit childhoods

It's the first time I've ever expressed out loud, the regrets can come to me unexpectedly from time to time and I just push them back down. I understand everyone has past regrets, it's the shame I can't seem to overcome.

The fact that youu have regrets shows you are not that kind of person at heart. You were fighting for survival in your own little way without any support. It's like people who do things in war they would never do in regular life. You should be immensely proud of how you managed to turn your life around, get a good job etc.
I think you would really be helped bycounselling. They would help you come to terms with all that happened. You possibly could access it confidentially through your work.

💛
🪷🦋🐣🦊🦝🐴🐼🦜🐧🦎

@MESHWIASH

Look after yourself

Be your own best friend in life too

Usaul stuff such as get into habit of treating yourself to Holistic therapies,

treat yourself to Health spa ect

I know it sounds like cliche

But you feel better when you look after yourself

Also try and find time for doing your own interests (hobbies too

As obviously a nurse you will be putting other people's needs first

You are just as important in your life too

When you have suffered/experienced Such shit childhoods as we have experienced,

it's easy to fall back on what we experince in childhood even though it was anything but healthy for us,
As our sense of Normality can become so Askew distorted ( Screwed) up ect..

You were dealt a shit hand in life, but you found a path through. It may have been a nightmare, and you naturally wish it had been otherwise. Despite the pain you've somehow clawed your way out of the darkness. Rather than judge yourself for what happened and who you were, appreciate yourself for the courage and resilience you've shown in becoming who you are now. Many people go under. Many turn their pain into abuse toward others. You came through. Be proud of yourself.

@MESHWIASH

@MysteriesOfTheOrganism

@junebirthdaygirl

It's mumsnet threads Op and posters Replies makes me feel I wish I had discovered mumsnet a looong time ago really,
Like eons of years

Just Wow , !!!
I found both your posters replies very insightful full of emotional intelligence

I think both just nailed it on your head with very relatable Sage Advice really ...

@MysteriesOfTheOrganism

@junebirthdaygirl

I totally agree too with both your view points perspectives on @MESHWIASH Adverse (Shit ) childhood experinces...

Op I am ashamed of some of my past and due to drugs put myself in some very dangerous situations. Apparently it's quite common if you have had a difficult upbringing

I give myself grace, I parent myself when these feelings come up and I tell myself I am not that person anymore and that everyday going forward I have proven I am a different person with value.

I urge you to parent yourself and not be critical or cruel. Those friends from your past or anyone who knows you will just be pleased and probably proud you are not the same person and behave in a completely different way.

I'm not surprised at what you did. Your behaviour was a reaction to the childhood dysfunction of your parents. I know this cos I identify with the behaviours because of my own childhood dysfunctions.

You aren't the first, and you won't be the last. I strongly suspect you think people are thinking bad of you cos you think bad of yourself.

We tend to project what we think of ourselves onto others. If anyone does say anything to you, I would simply turn the tables on them, saying, "That was then, this is now. Don't judge me until you have walked a mile in my shoes. Are you (the person) perfect?"

Watch them shut up pretty quick. If they stop speaking to you. Good. You don't need people like that.

If your husband doesn't know, that is probably where the worry comes from. If you need to, you can say something to him like, "My childhood was dysfunctional with mom and dad fighting. When I got older , I acted out with drinking and partying. " That's all you need to say.

I suggest you look at getting some counselling too. Good luck, and well done for speaking out. We are only as sick as our secrets. Hopefully, you will feel better now that you have finally spoken out

My beginning may not be the same as yours but the middle part - drinking, sleeping around and some shameful choices about my own safety - resonate. Like you, I now have a lovely quiet life. The flashbacks for me are few and far between now though. I have accepted that I did those things, and yes they weren’t great choices, but it was me and I own that. I’ve also accepted (and remind myself often) that I am glad that that version of me no longer exists, those choices formed the me I am today, I wouldn’t be here otherwise. I’m alright.

You were a young person reacting to your childhood. Reacting to probably not getting the attention you needed as a child. Bullying to avoid being the bully. Anxious because of a fractious home life.

You weren't shown how to have a healthy mind and habits in childhood.

Try to have compassion for your past self. You were doing what you felt you needed to to survive.

Now you're happy and healthy. Remember that. Remember the work you've done on yourself. Forgive yourself for simply coping with a tricky beginning.

I mean this in the nicest way but fuck whoever judges you. No one is perfect. I had a dysfunctional childhood and have been bullied and bullied. I've forgiven myself as my childhood was full of aggression. We learn what we see. Please be kinder to yourself.

It's okay to be kind to the wounded younger version that acted from a different place.

As hard as it might be imagine, without her then you wouldn't be you now.

I was bullied and if ever any of those who bullied me expressed the regret that you do so, I'd forgive and forget in a heartbeat.

We all screw up at times, op, and when we're young we don't know how to deal with things in the right way. The point is that you've learned and you've returned to your true self.

If someone else had posted what you wrote, what would you say to them?

Time to forgive yourself.

Thank you all for your kind words. I thought I was going to bet flamed but I needed an outlet. I've often thought of apologising to people, especially one girl I knew through school, but I see on social media they have their own lives and families so feel I should leave the past in the past, I would only be easing my own guilt, would probably be empty words to them.

She'll have matured too and realise you were damaged.

At least you've realised. I know plenty of people who are still bullies. One of my co workers is being bullied. She's addressing it though and told management.

How would you feel if you were to meet a child now that had a similar upbringing to yours and was acting out in the way you did? Would you think they were a horrible person, or would you feel for them? Your behaviour sounds like a direct result of your upbringing, and you've done incredibly well to move on from that snd build a nice life.

I think people who've been bullied will always appreciate an apology, op, so if you feel that's what you'd like to do then go for it.

You can't guarantee that it will be accepted, but I think its a good gesture.

OP have you looked into acceptance therapy? There’s a lot of helpful reading online and some good books about it as well.

It’s about finding understanding and compassion in what happened, while accepting that it did still happen so you can hopefully replace the feelings of guilt or judgement around it with something more peaceful that can allow you to move forward.