Ashamed of the person I used to be and can't move on

[MESHWIASH]

Long story but here it goes. My earliest memory I have is my mum and dad fighting, me sitting on the stairs and the police coming to the house, I have some happy memories of childhood but the main thing I remember is being a very shy, anxious little girl. I can remember worrying about everything, being sensitive and crying a lot, I was always told to stop crying and to this day I still get told by expended family how much I used to cry. My mum adored me but suffered with her own mental health, she self harmed and was bulimic whilst I was growing up. I was quiet at school, behind on my work and often bullied. In the holidays between primary and secondary school I changed, I went from being bullied to being the bully, I got to the top of all my classes but was not a nice person. Left school and discovered alcohol and men, slept around, lots of one night stands and I mean a lot, put my self in danger and had no regards for my safety. I was self harming needy and high maintenance and so full of self doubt I just pushed everyone away, surprisingly my friends from this time are still my friends now. I tried to end my life during this time and was constantly arguing with my parents, if tenancy staying away for weeks and not telling them where I was. I needed attention in any way, shape or form, I would drink and then cry to whoever was willing to listen to me. Fast forward to mid 20s my mum passed away unexpectedly and I ended up acting like my father's carer, I then moved away to start new, but the drinking, self harm and sleeping around continued. Around 7 years ago I met my now DH, and in time moved town, jobs and started my own family. My mental health has never been better, I'm still over worry but I'm happy however I get flas backs of those dark times, flash backs of being a bully, flash backs of sleeping with different men and it makes me feel ashamed. I would hate for my children to be like me and know my past, I feel sick at how I used to treat and intimidate other people. How do I get over this, is my guilt my punishment for my past choices??

@MESHWIASH I had to post as your OP resonated with me. I too came from a dysfunctional family and I was too a very sensitive child from an acrimonious parental divorce. The adults around me behaved appallingly and as I got in to my teen years, I was completely lost.

I too was also unkind to others and in particular a friend who had a loving, stable home life with interested parents. I was 13 at the time. I was feeling very low at one point and I did post on here about it but I got such severe back lash from posters, it made things worse.

I also got in to drugs and made terrible life decisions which I’m still paying for now.

I decided to apologise to the person in particular. (I should say it was never physical or sustained, it was unkindness which did clearly upset the person as any young teen would find upsetting). They didn’t acknowledge me, which is their right. Apologising did not make me feel better about it, but it does mean I owned it and gave me the nod to move on and accept that I am not the person I was when I was a very young teen.

I’m now in my 50s and I’m a nice person. Whenever I think back to those times, I refuse to let the thoughts take over and I accept that there is not a person alive who has not made a mistake or has done something that has negatively affected someone else. I deserve to be happy and I deserve to be able to move on without the judgement of my younger years. People will still judge me, but the world won’t end because someone I know longer know, has a negative opinion of me.

We ALL have flaws.

@RooDidIt that's a lovely post. I'm sorry they didn't respond.