Son stuck his finger up at me. Constantly fear I’m an inadequate mum cos of my abusive childhood.

[BrandNewSofa]

My son had his friend over today. All went fine til I was driving the friend home and ds was badgering me about when his friend could come round again. I was saying I’m not sure as we have got plans in the next few days. I then saw him give me the finger in the rear view mirror and laugh with his friend. He is 12 in case that matters. I immediately told him I saw it and after I dropped his friend off I went bananas at him. I explained to him that he had not only offended me but also humiliated me in front of his friend. Not only that but I’d had his friend over, taken them both out etc, to be repaid with the finger.

He argued that it was ‘just a joke’ but I was really upset by it.

Things like this are never straightforward for me. Ds does stupid shit like this sometimes and it leads me to spiral into thinking I must be a terrible mother for my kid to do that. And then I remember awful times when my parents would both be telling me that I was stupid and no good and lecturing me for hours about how I don’t stand right, I don’t hold my cutlery correctly, I don’t hug my violent bully of a stepdad enough etc etc. I have lived my life utterly ashamed of myself because of their constant put downs and criticism. Somehow in my head I worry that when I tell ds off that I’m somehow doing the same to him (even tho rationally I can see I don’t and that he is well loved and we usually have a really close relationship.)

im sitting here now wanting to cry. How have I brought up a 12 year old who sticks his finger up at me? Why is it my son doesn’t respect me? I’m a complete and utter fucking waste of space and shouldn’t be alive.

I was a well behaved, academic teen who got drunk at parties behind my parents back from 15 onwards. At 18 I rolled home one night, threw up everywhere and when my mum tried to clean it up I told her to fuck off.

Teenagers behave badly, it's what they do to start breaking away from you and being their own independent people - they rebel. Hopefully they live through it, you forgive them for the crap they pull and they come out the other side just fine. You can't punish them into submission - they'll just rebel even more. I think you handled it perfectly OP, be proud of yourself and don't take any behaviour from a child personally - it's not fair on them or you to do so!

Well, yes, it’s disrespectful, but he was doing it with his friend in the back seat not a full blown argument, but he still is only 12, and I can’t tell from the OPs post but it sounds like his arguing back was that he thought it was funny.

So, of course, a conversation is in order, a reprimand, a removal of privileges, to teach him about respect, like every other misbehaving ?

If there is more context about problematic behavior it’s another story, but I really don’t see this as the end of the world.

I didn’t say it was the end of the world - neither do I think it’s ‘happy’ or ‘silly’ or normal preteen behaviour. To me ‘silly’ behaviour is a toddler messing about instead of putting their shoes on, not a high school age boy making obscene gestures at his mother to laugh with his mate then arguing back that it’s funny when she reprimands him. It’s really unacceptable behaviour and I don’t think it’s helpful to pretend ‘oh all 12 year olds do it, totally normal!’

I didn’t say all 12 yo do it, I said pre teens and teens do stupid stuff at their own pace, especially around friends, and I do agree with you that it’s disrespectful and it’s time he learned it yes, ideally sooner. But we don’t know how his upbringing was or what kind of things he’s exposed to before.
I think we’re agreeing on the behavior just maybe not communicating on it in the best way. My message is that if it’s an isolated incident, I find the reaction of OP doubting every ounce of herself extreme, so was trying to say that it does enter the category of pre teen and teen joys, and can be solved by appropriate discipline once and for all, that it doesn’t mean she’s raised a monster ?

Please note also that English isn’t my first language, so there will always be a certain degree of nuances I can’t reach, I know sometimes I sound like I généralise because of that, idk if that was the case

He was just showing off to his mate I think, probably thinking you wouldn't see it, therefore making him a complete legend in his own mind. That's not to say its OK, but it doesn't make you a failure as a parent. It's obviously triggered a horrible memory of a time when you felt humiliated so it'd understandable you reacted the way you did.

You explained to him why its unacceptable and he'll hopefully listen. Be kind to yourself though tonight and stop beating yourself up. You're doing great.

I didn’t think you were generalising specifically. I just meant the overall tone of the replies being very ‘ah teens do this stuff, no big deal’ when that’s not my experience at all.

Ah right. It depends a lot on their environment ime, and we don’t know much about OPs.
I work with kids in care but only until the age of 11 (my choice, just comes more naturally) and it’s true we generally work on these things in my age group rather than the next, if they happen to be with us at that time.
I guess OP seems so worried that I do think it’s helpful to put things into perspective (after that, yes, there’s of course the obvious not being a race to the bottom, but I think OP needs reassurance on the grand scheme of things first).
I do have some activities sometimes with the teens though, and there is a certain % of milder behavior like this, obviously my context is different, it takes a lot of repeating ‘no’ but they usually do well after a while.

Ive just seen OP mentions aggressiveness in a more recent post, that would be a level up for me, but then again, it depends on the exact agressive behavior.

(Sorry though, I think I took your post personally! I’m at work, and stressful times (aren’t we all))