Son stuck his finger up at me. Constantly fear I’m an inadequate mum cos of my abusive childhood.

[BrandNewSofa]

My son had his friend over today. All went fine til I was driving the friend home and ds was badgering me about when his friend could come round again. I was saying I’m not sure as we have got plans in the next few days. I then saw him give me the finger in the rear view mirror and laugh with his friend. He is 12 in case that matters. I immediately told him I saw it and after I dropped his friend off I went bananas at him. I explained to him that he had not only offended me but also humiliated me in front of his friend. Not only that but I’d had his friend over, taken them both out etc, to be repaid with the finger.

He argued that it was ‘just a joke’ but I was really upset by it.

Things like this are never straightforward for me. Ds does stupid shit like this sometimes and it leads me to spiral into thinking I must be a terrible mother for my kid to do that. And then I remember awful times when my parents would both be telling me that I was stupid and no good and lecturing me for hours about how I don’t stand right, I don’t hold my cutlery correctly, I don’t hug my violent bully of a stepdad enough etc etc. I have lived my life utterly ashamed of myself because of their constant put downs and criticism. Somehow in my head I worry that when I tell ds off that I’m somehow doing the same to him (even tho rationally I can see I don’t and that he is well loved and we usually have a really close relationship.)

im sitting here now wanting to cry. How have I brought up a 12 year old who sticks his finger up at me? Why is it my son doesn’t respect me? I’m a complete and utter fucking waste of space and shouldn’t be alive.

I think your history may be making you extremely sensitive.

Your son is coming up to the teen years. They can be fairly awful. I have an adult child and a 12 year old.

You did right to bring it up with him and telling him how it made you feel. But I also think you are making a huge deal out of it. Kids often do things they haven’t been taught at home when they think parents aren’t looking. That’s actually normal. But shouldn’t be ignored. But I think going bananas maybe wasn’t needed. But my interpretation of bananas may be different to yours.

Have you ever sought professional support for dealing with your history.

You aren’t a bad parent because your son did this. I am sure your son does respect you and loves you. They just don’t think and it’s a parents job to get them to think before doing something to show off in front of their friends. and that’s what you are doing.

First of all have a hug, and make yourself a cup of tea.

You are not a shit mum. If you were a shit mum, you wouldn’t be worried about being a shit mum would you? You’d just carry on being a shit mum, not thinking twice about it.

While what your son did is not acceptable, my teen has done similar and it’s been a joke that he didn’t realise was completely inappropriate and got his arse handed to him. Pre-teens are hard. Teens are harder still and it’s not a reflection on you, or your parenting.

You’ve been through a lot, more than most people. Have you had any help to process it all?x

Your son is 12.
He was acting out in front of his mate.
That doesn't make you a shit parent.

I agrée with PP he’s a pre teen, and didn’t even do it directly as in a direct argument with you, just to his mate, and they probably did think it was funny tbh.

Of course bringing it up and saying it isn’t right is necessary, but you sound really anxious about it, maybe a bit much. Pre teens experiment, while understanding even less than teens

I missed your last paragraph sorry, please do seek help if you are feeling so low.

OP, your last couple of lines suggest that you are negative spiralling and catastrophising. Just because your teen behaves like a typical naughty lad playing up in front of his mate, it absolutely does not mean that therefore you don’t deserve to live!
I think you would benefit from cognitive behaviour therapy, to address these negative core beliefs instilled in you by your toxic parents. It is very effective, and will help you catch these thoughts, stop them spiralling, and replace them with more positive ones.

Kids do stupid things showing off in front of their friends. What is great is that you told him you how you felt. I’m a big fan of losing your shit sometimes. Far better way of asserting your boundaries than constantly flexing them. I average about once every couple of years and have good relationships with 3 adult dc and DH.
You sound like a great mum

Teenage boys are wankers.

It's nothing to do with your parenting, it's hormones, just prepare yourself for a few years of them being wankers and you'll sail through it.

This.

Obviously it was disrespectful > he deserved a lecture and maybe removal of a privilege.

But it's not unusual for kids to show off to mates and be dicks to their parents occasionally. It has nothing to say about your relationship with him generally, and it doesn't mean you're a shit mum.

You need to get off that shame spiral of worthlessness your parents stuck you with, and do some more work on it with counselling, maybe, if you can afford to.

Nice cup of tea, and give the kid a hug later on, when he's not being such a git.

I had abusive parents and I could never stick my middle finger up at them. The fact that your son can means that he's not scared of you.

I would expect a 12 year old to be cocky in front a friend but they'd be told that if they didn't cut that out then you wouldn't be giving lifts or having people round. How far away does this friend live? How would you son feel about walking his friend home and coming back?

He's not unreasonable to be impatient for the friend to come round again and I would have said something like I need to check the calendar or something so that the friend wasn't listening.

I'd be asking him if he's never ever used the middle finger towards a teacher and that you deserve the same respect - especially when you're doing him a favour.

You are not a shit parent at all OP. Your son behaved like this because his friend was there and it's probably closer to how he is at school with friends. That's not on you- very common for teens to show off to try and maintain their status on the social hierarchy.

Thank you for your replies.

im sorry if I sound really OTT and hysterical. I think him sticking his finger up at me touched a nerve in me re feeling like a pathetic twat to be laughed at (I.e my childhood).

im really sad. I can’t get past what they put me through no matter how much time passes or therapy I have. I’m fucked for life

This.

However next time, slam the brakes on. Stop the car. Turn around and tell your son this isn’t a free taxi service with abusive customers and to get out and walk. Tell his friend to stay put. Drop friend home and tell you son if he abuses you then abuse equals out.

explain to him you are a strong independent woman and no one abuses their mum - end of.

another option is to get a man - a dad of another child to have a word with him - then can be very effective about how he needs to treat parents

The first paragraph exactly

It sounds like the opposite of what you think, your son sounds like he is growing up balanced with healthy social interactions and reactions ex what he considers funny being very regular for his age. So it sounds like you’ve done well to me😘

Oh OP I'm so sad to read this. What your son did was rude and disrespectful but completely normal for a boy of his age. It does NOT mean you're a shit mum, it means you've raised a normal teen boy. I totally understand that it's hard to get the boundaries right. Just keep doing your best, none of us get it right every time.

If you were your 12yo wouldn’t have turned out what seems a happy and classic silly pre teen

So you must have done a lot of things right😘

But you need to separate yourself from him in your mind. Continue with therapy, and be proud that you seem to be breaking the cycle for him

I once tore a strip off a y8 child at parents' evening for the way he spoke to his mother in front of me.
Absolutely not my place but he'd never shown such absolute contempt in my lessons as he showed her.
I still see her from time to time. He's an adult now and apparently a much more pleasant son.

No you aren’t.

no one is perfect, no one is broken we all learn and evolve.

I am so strong and independent and my son hit me when he was 7. I was so incensed I took him to the police station - the officer there was amazing. Not aggressive but he spoke to him about what he can and can not do and why he needs to respect him mum etc and how he at 35 respects his wife and mum and why. He was brilliant and even popped into his school a couple of weeks later (local primary) - with my permission and praised him for his improvement in behaviour at home and school.
2 years on - he is much better.

Sorry, I meant for when you said ‘fucked for life’ : you seem to have done one little annoying pre teen creation pretty well for the past 12 years

Hi OP your definitely not a shit mum. He's 12 and trying to act smart in front of his friends, and probably never thought you'd see. I remember my sister was about 13 and she done it behind my dads back and I laughed and she was showing off and he seen her. He was obviously raging but me and my mum laughed that she got caught. My DD9 I caught her recently doing it to a 'friend'. She never realised I was standing out the back and I was watching them. Her friend isn't a friend in my eyes more a bully and I seen my DD gave her the finger whilst I watched. She then spotted me and soon put het head down and knew straight away she was to come home 😂 deep down I was laughing she got caught. She is such a shit bag and scared if getting into trouble and I think it was either she was gonna punch the other child but instead gave her the finger

I mean I think there is a balance. I don’t think it’s helpful to say oh he’s just a ‘happy, classic, silly preteen’ or that it’s normal. It is incredibly disrespectful, and shouldn’t be happening, and the fact that he argued about it later is equally bad. I think for a 12 year old to feel it’s acceptable to make obscene gestures at his mum, laugh about it, then argue when she brings it up later is really quite bad/out of control and shows he doesn’t respect his mother.

On the other hand I see why op is struggling. For me I would think it is necessary to get some help, perhaps therapy to help you with processing your own childhood so you can appropriately discipline your son. It won’t necessarily get better when he’s bigger than you.

I love this.

there have been a couple of occasions where he has got aggressive- I wish I’d done what u did, and I will do it in the future for sure.

I don’t know how to pull myself out of this mental hole I’ve fallen into. I feel like I can’t move out of this chair, I’m so upset.

Didn’t mean to be harsh with that. I do see the dilemma - it is something I need to work on constantly. Since I had basically an abusive childhood I can swing to being too permissive. But I have to remind myself that can be bad parenting in another way, and that appropriate boundaries and respect are necessary for a good parent and child relationship. It doesn’t do a twelve year old any harm to hear that his behaviour was very very disrespectful and unacceptable and that there will be consequences for it. The first consequence for me would be no friends at the house for x time because he isn’t able to behave appropriately in front of them.

Your response was exactly how I felt. I was appalled that he did that.

If this is the worst he does, then you're ok OP. You told him you'd seen, you made it clear it was unacceptable now you need to do the next step - move on from it. That's how parenting is, you can't take anything personally and you can't hold a grudge. It was a silly thing in the moment that you dealt with, you're doing great.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

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