Please help me put this into perspective: I don't know what to think.

[lucyellensmum]

I'm not sure this is the right place to really post this, but this is where i post when im feeling down so it saves me repeating all of the history (but please post your two pence worth even if you are not familiar).

After the loveliest weekend i can remember for a long time, DP and I took DD to the animal park on saturday, she had a party to go to on Sunday, which meant DP had two hours to himself, something he rarely gets. Everything was just lovely - i was walking on air. The weather was lovely and yesterday i had a lovely day with DD. Now its all gone wrong again. In less than a minute i am back in a black hole and ive had enough.

Ive been depressed, im on medication. DP and i are under alot of financial strain but we are surviving and i am trying to take positive steps to sort things out. It would help if i got a bit of co operation from DP though (for instance, we cannot find DDs birth cert, i need to buy a new one, i keep asking DP to phone and do it with his card, but he still hasn't done it - ive been asking for three weeks - so now decided to borrow the money from my mum and trek over there on the bus to order it in person - 10 mile journey!!). But slowly we are getting there and DP is more positive about the business but it is just so up and down.

This morning, DP totally flew off the handle at me, we had to put drops in DDs (2.5) eyes, so that was never going to be easy, although to be fair, she was brilliant. But DP got really stressed because he was late for work (not my fault) and said, cant we just leave it (er, no. they are anti biotics and she has conjunctivitis!!). I said to him that he was being unfair, after we had done the drops - and he lost his temper and called me a C"^*! Its only a word but it was the temper behind it that upset me. I just withdrew into myself and tried not to push things. Told him to go to work and to forget about it.

He has apologised and given me a cuddle and said he is stressed about money AGAIN. He has just rung me while im posting this and said he has had an almighty row with one of his suppliers and he lost his temper and stormed off without what he needed (more stress - although i had to laugh, my DP is a short arse but stocky, but he said that the guy was over six foot and a skin head and was shitting himself!!) That is actually completely out of character for my DP, he is NEVER even rude to people.

So now i feel guilty, i feel that i shouldnt have said anything to him, that i should get a job, bla bla bla bla bla. I am happy when he is happy, the minute he is stressed then i plummit into this spiral of depression. I have to ask myself, is it me? Is it really me? Or is (and it rips my guts out to post this) our relationship over? I love him so much, but this is like a cycle, its predictable and repetitive. Even yesterday when i felt so good, i remember thinking i would post a positive message on the citalopram thread about the lovely weather and keeping positive, but i stopped myself because i knew that soon enough i would be sat here posting something in this vein.

Is it me? Whats going on? Is it him? Please dont call him a wanker or a selfish twat - he is being a fuckwit, but he is doing his best. But really, how much more of this can i take?

Anyone? Please?

sorry to hear things arent going well.

I think you are both under a lot of pressure. Does he normally lose his temper like this? If it's a recent thing, then it's probably stress.

But you must talk to him about how he makes you feel. It sounds like he is losing it at work and then bringing it home too. But this is not good for your state of mind.

My depression is very up and down too - I can feel on top of the world one day, then feel like a balck hole the next. I cant often put my finger on what has caused it (though thankfully I know how to deal with it). But dh has a lot to do with how I feel - if he is nasty, I feel crap.

Can you discuss it with him tonight? Tell him how you are feeling and how he makes you feel sometimes, and also discuss the financial stuff and how you might solve it as it seems you are both stressed by it.

thanks bunny, its just that lately, i feel that i just need to put up and shut up to keep things happy. I am quite a volatile person and will just push and push, but i really try not to do this. But surely i am allowed to stick up for myself if i feel he is being unfair?

I am desperately trying to be positive here, but DD has just jumped on my back and hurt it (not desperately) and i just sat in the middle of the room sobbing, poor little mite, went and got me a chocolate button and fetched my little dog to give me a cuddle

I really don't think your relationship is over.

I think you are both very stressed and it wasn't that he didn't want to tend to your sick child, but that he had left the house in his head and he needed to get to work.

Sit down together and talk, make a plan to see how you can make things easier. Start with something small and work up to harder things.

LEM, I have followed your messages before, (though I have a name change at the minute for another thread as I think my SIL lurks on here!)

Now, what I have to say may seem harsh, but darlin' I think you need to hear it.

You have to stop this. stop relying on & blaming your dp for your happiness. It's not he who made you go into a bad mood...you did it all by yourself...

Now, it's only about 2 weeks ago you had a thread on here too, full of self loathing & self doubt, thinking you weren't good enough for your dp as he praises other women..

Can I ask if you notice a pattern in the cycle of depressive episodes/bouts? If so then it may be worthwhile going back to the doctor.

My dh also left the house late this morning & he was annoyed that he was late.. he's self employed too, but as he doesn't have anyone working for him at the minute, he has to be on site at 8am.. is your dp the same? Dh says that if he gives himself working hours & sticks to them then he feels he's doing OK. So he leaves here at 7.20 & is home again at 5.30.

As for the eye drops.. what would you have done if he wasn't there? I am the one who always has to put the drops in, I never have anyone else here to hold ds down (3). And the birth certificate.. can't you post off a cheque? Can't you do it over the net with dh's card? Do you not have a card?

I hope you're not angry at me, but I really feel you need to get some independence & stop relying on dp for everything & especially stop depending on him to bring you your happiness... you need to do that by yourself.

hmm, when I was depressed, I too thought I should put up and shut up. Then one day I lost it with dh and told him that no-one deserves to be spoken to like that, and that he makes me feel like crap etc etc.
We later sat down and talked about it properly, and he doesnt get arsey with me anymore. Or if he does, I tell him to stop, and he does.

Going outside always helps me feel better (serotonin etc). Can you take your dd for a walk?

NAB thankyou. I just need to put a plan of action together. I feel like i want to take control, to make it all right, but he holds the purse strings, simply because he earns the money, it goes into his account and ive always stuck my head in the sand. Trouble is, if i say things like, right, weve got some money here, pay the mortgage, fuck everyone else, he thinks im nagging. It must feel like that.

DD starts nursery in september, i desperately want this last summer with her at home - just us, you know? I know that is incredably selfish given the situation but it is like she is part of me and the thought of being away from her is tearing me apart. I managed a coffee alone in a coffee shop the other day, i walked out and left it half drunk, because i wanted to get home to lucy

I just need a kick up the bum today i guess

everyone has cross words, depressed or not.. it is how you react to them. not evey row means your marraige is over or your DP does not love you anymore

you might need a change of meds, an increase in dosage

would you feel better if you had a job, even part time, to get you out of the house and in a bit of a routine, something for you, with the bonus of a bit of extra money?

WallofSilence, i am far from angry with you. I agree with everything you say. It was just a silly argument, why should i let it taint my whole day? And DDs whole day? I totally rely on DP for my happiness, as i said, if he is happy then i am walking on air, if he is stressed then i just fall apart. Then i have the audacity to tell him if he cant cope with the business to get a job!! Why should he do that? I should be supporting him. But i recognise that in order to support him i have to take responsibility for myself.

I dont have a bank card, and i daren;t ask DP for his and anyway, i think it would most likely be made of rubber just now So i am trying to get in touch with my mum to lend me some money to go there and pay for it over the counter. Frustrating as it will cost more, but i cant keep asking DP.

This is ridiculous. I managed to get a degree and PhD, all by myself (with DPs support but he didnt do it for me!!) And now i can barely manage to keep the house habitable and a simple task like sorting out a birth cert seems like a mountain.

It should be joint money. He earns it by going out to work and you earn it by looking after the family. If you didn't stay at home, he wouldn't be able to go out to work. It needs to be joint money and equal say.

To be fair NAB, it is equal, its just always been this way - even when i was working and got paid cash (blimey, it sounds like the dark ages, it wasnt that long ago!)I would pay the money directly into HIS bank account. I am just so rubbish with money, its better that way - but then he is shit too - believe me, in this family, being in charge of the money isnt the easy option. I should be more involved but i think i might explode if i actually saw how bad things really are

Well it is time you did see how bad things are tbh. Burying your head in the sand doesn't help anyone.

also NAB, i have a lousy credit rating so we never botherd opening a joint account as it might have affected our chance of getting a mortgage.

You can't keep asking dp... ok. TELL him then. TELL him you need £XX by XX date as you are off to town to pick up dd's birth certificate. Then remind him the night before to leave the cash on the table for you or elese leave his card there for you... or else he can call in the morning & order it himself.

I really do understand where you're coming from.. it's like his mood rubs off on you...but can't it be the other way around? Like last night when my dh came home in a crap mood.. well I was in a crap mood too 'cos I had had the day from hell! But I knew by his face when he came in from work that he was angry about something... he came in the door & said Hi to me & the kids. I then looked at hime & said "If you don't take that angry head off & leave it at the back door then don't bother coming in!!" He laughed & said it matched mine so could I please leave my moody face there too... we both had a laugh & the atmosphere was diffused.

I quite often tell dh not to take his mood out on me & to go & do something about it.(not that it happens daily or even weekly, but ykwim) It's what an equal relationship is about. You should be able to say to your dp "Don't call me a C^, why did you call me a C^?" I certainly would want to know where this name came from & why! I never leave things laying when I need an answer..not that I keep an argument going on, I don't. I always need my dh to know he has hurt me. As if he doesn't know then he won't know not to speak to me like that the next time.

Mutual respect it's called.

Is there any chance of you getting a part time job? I know you say you want the summer with Lucy, but this seems very important, especially if you & he are arguing. Get a job, maybe some time away from dd & home will help you find the old you again?

yes, i need to get a job, i just dont know what to do, where to start, i just think that the only job I can fit in is cleaning, and i wouldnt be any good at it - you should see my house

local sure start centres often have advice on geting back to work with regards to child care, tax credits etc....

I have to say I totally agree with Wallofsilence. It seems like you are totally reliant on your DD and your DH for your own happiness. I would ask yourself why this is and how can you change this?

What about you? The person you are inside? If you get yourself sorted everything else will follow. Build up your own confidence and self worth by whatever means is necessary (you mentioned a job etc). Having respect for your self is the start.

WOS your last post made me smile

I have actually done this sort of thing with DP recently, when he has been getting worked up, ive just put my hand up, walked off. When he came here (well where else would i be but mnet when im sulking?) and asked what was wrong, i just said nothing, but im not going to talk to you when you are being an arse! He just looked stunned and apologised and it was all forgotten. My trouble is, i brood on things and let them fester like a cancer until they are ulcerated sores!

I feel by taking the bull by the horns i can help, if he sees me doing stuff he will buck up. So today im going to get the birth certificate, i have the forms here for child benefit (can you believe i dont get this) and tax credits. I have just done last years accounts, DP only earnt 6 grand after expenses, how the hell we survived i dont know. I dont think this year has been much better so at least we might be able to claim so benefits, but isnt that only if you live in rented our council housing you can get that? We own our own house so im not sure if we are entitled to any help in that respect. Now i know why we had to remortgage last year

you have not been getting child benefit??? why?

i hope you get sorted, just baby steps to start with, but have a goal and a focus and a plan to get there!

I know annie, its mental!! The thing is, he works harder than anyone i know. He has often worked til midnight etc to get jobs done. He simply hadnt been charging enough. This year wont be much better (they will be more than that but not much i wouldnt have thought) but now things are changing.

The thing is, the plan we had was for me to do the admin for the business but that doesnt bring any money in.

I really could end all this if icould get a job, but i honestly havent a clue where to start.

lulu, it is only now i can see how crippled i was by my PND - i couldn't do ANYTHING. Even that simple form was too much for me - if we had found the birth cert i would have probably sorted it, but we sort of lost it as soon as we brought it home. After that everything went wrong, i lost my dad, i got sick (gall stones) and then all of our relationship problems (its actually better now than it has been for a long time, which is why i think i panic when we have a row). I am just such a weak person that i just stick my fingers in my ears and sing la la la la la la la

do you think we would be entitled to help, even though DP works for himself? That could be just the boost we need. Do you only get tax credits if you are in council housing?