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Mental health

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Original poster

mooncup and narcissistic mother

33 replies

JustCri · 10/03/2023 10:04

I am writing to get a broader feedback on something that happened to me a long time ago...
The current context is that I am once again having no contact with my mother, while analysing her past behaviour in light of more and more information being available about narcissism and narcissistic mothers specifically.
I am an adult woman with a son. I am saying this as being a mother has given me even more insight into how dysfunctional some of the stuff that happened to me really was...
Either way...I was 18/19 at the time and back home from uni for the weekend...I was having difficulties inserting my mooncup and my mum offered to help me.
How wrong do you think this is? Was it just motherly love, or completely bonkers?
I obviously refused the help at the time and i can only see it as a complete lack of boundaries...

OP posts:

howmanybicycles · 10/03/2023 11:53

My mum was a nurse and tried to help me insert a tampon as a child. She did smears all the time and it was done in a very professional way so I guess it could be ok? But without some significant context around it, it would definitely not be. What did it feel like at the time? Physically and emotionally? I guess there are other times when boundaries were not good and damage was done?

Eyesopenwideawake · 10/03/2023 13:12

Turn it around - if your son was (say) concerned about a lump in his testicles, would you offer to look at it or feel it or would that be bonkers? (I genuinely don't know the answer to that but I guess you would have a gut feeling).

littlefirecar · 10/03/2023 14:07

Like you I'd probably reject the help for feeling weird about it but I don't think it's too strange for her to offer

I have my own daughter now and after changing her nappies several times a day and wiping her bum for her (she's still a toddler) I think there is a part of me that would find it strange for her to feel private around me (though she probably will)

lmnabc · 10/03/2023 14:36

OP, it was an act of motherly love for their child. Why do you need to look for something sordid in it?

This says more about you than it does about her.

Original poster

JustCri · 10/03/2023 19:13

Fair enough...thank you all

OP posts:

Snoozingandlosing12 · 10/03/2023 19:16

I think it was probably from a place of love but it’s bonkers. I can’t imagine anything more mortifying than my mum fiddling with a mooncup in my vagina at age 18!

MumUndone · 10/03/2023 19:17

I think it's weird.

Slimjimtobe · 10/03/2023 19:18

I think that I would hate someone to offer that (even my mother) but I can see how it would come from a place of kindness

JamJarJane · 10/03/2023 19:18

I think it's extremely weird. Not necessarily narcissistic in itself, but very, very weird. And very different from, say, helping a young teen with her first tampon.

nicknamehelp · 10/03/2023 19:23

I think so long as you gave her permission at time there is no issue. When my dd wanted to start using tampons she asked me to be in bathroom to offer guidance. I would be heartbroken if in years to come she thought this was anything but me helping her. My own dm would not even talk about periods let alone even help me with tampons and I was almost 30 before I dared insert anything like a tampon. So on balance I think my dd had the better start to periods and she knows she can talk to me whereas I didn't have that.

itsabigtree · 10/03/2023 19:40

Yeah it's weird from the daughters perspective but not from a mothers! She's probably wiped your bum, caught your vomit in her hand etc. She'll not see it like that. But yes I'm practice it would feel weird for a daughter!

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 10/03/2023 19:41

Bonkers.

Xrays · 10/03/2023 19:46

I think that’s incredibly weird and there’s no way in hell I’d ever suggest or want to do that for dd (aged 19) for example.

HecticHedgehog · 10/03/2023 19:54

Utterly bizarre imo. No way would I offer to do this for my teen/adult daughters.

MysweetAudrina · 10/03/2023 19:58

Lots of mums are present when their dds give birth which is pretty intimate. If my dd asked me to help her do anything I would but not sure I would offer but can see how someone else mightn't bat an eye. Think it depends on the relationship and whether boundaries were generally respected.

WhichPage · 10/03/2023 20:02

Oh come ooooon!

Yes! it shows a complete lack of awareness of normal boundaries! How could it possibly be anything else 🤔

enjoyingscience · 10/03/2023 20:03

As a single data point it’s not enough information. It seems like a fine offer if mum has lots of experience with moon cups, is generally very open about bodily functions, and didn’t take the refusal of help badly. Maybe not a fine offer if offer was pushy, came from a place of no experience and the household not very open about periods.

can’t see the link to narcissism at all here myself.

Bobbybobbins · 10/03/2023 20:06

You surely must have been having a conversation around your moon cup for her to offer, which demonstrates a certain level of intimacy already. As others have said, some people have their mothers at their birth etc.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 10/03/2023 20:06

I wouldn't think twice if my child asked for help with something like that. I'd rather she felt comfortable enough to ask as periods were very taboo in my house growing up. So I'm very happy to be honest and open about anything like that as she gets older because I found my lack of advice at that age overwhelming tbh. So I'd say fine :)

Aquamarine1029 · 10/03/2023 20:08

It's beyond weird and shows a complete lack of appropriate boundaries. I am very close to my adult daughter but I would never dream of crossing that line. Offering verbal advice, helping her find resources to assist, of course. Helping her put a mooncup in? FFS. NO.

KohlaParasaurus · 10/03/2023 20:20

It's an offer I'd have made with the best of intentions if any of my daughters had told me they were struggling with a Mooncup, though my daughters have had absolute privacy about such matters since they became able to wipe their own bottoms and I'd have been surprised if they'd accepted. One of my daughters asked me if I'd take her coil out and I wasn't prepared to do that because it's a medical procedure and could wait for a proper medical consultation.

schnauzerbeard · 10/03/2023 20:32

I think it's fine. I work in healthcare so seen it all before. I can see how it would be awkward for someone not from a HCP background though.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 10/03/2023 20:34

I think if your DD is struggling with something, as a mum your instinct is to jump in and try to help her solve the problem, maybe without stopping to think. It doesn't seem narcissistic to me. But it depends on your/her personality. I have an over-the-top friend who I can totally imagine jumping in to shove a mooncup up her adult DD.

WandaWonder · 10/03/2023 20:48

I have had to help people medically sometimes with personal things

Not the most pleasant of task they asked I did, my child I offer and for some other close people, we just got on with and moved on

None of this long drawn out thinking it just happened

Original poster

JustCri · 10/03/2023 21:31

The broader personality issues were around her living her life for "us" (meaning her children) which led to a refusal to accept us as adults, cause she would have lost her reason to be. This is obviously me speculating from my own experience, and it's been interesting to see all the responses because I completely agree with you in many ways. As in: my 7 year old is already completely independent cleaning himself in the bathroom and really doesn't want us (parents) to interfere. Was I like that too at his age but was conditioned to feel overly comfortable with sitting in the bathroom talking while someone was having a N2 and therefore asking to have the mooncup inserted was a small step away?
At the same time, if DS as an adult was to ask me for help with something intimate of a medical/physiological nature I'd do my best to help him. But I'm not sure I'd offer to do the "hands on" part unless it was explicitly asked.
From a daughter's perspective I feel that once adulthood is reached, parents should respect the newly reached independence and take a step back. From a mother's perspective I obviously don't yet know how I will behave. But I already encourage DS to set his boundaries rather than completely ignore them (which was my experience with my own mother), and then do my very best to abide by them...

OP posts:

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