With my ex partner 20 yrs, from teenagers to late 30s. We have 2 small kids together who are only 12 months apart in age. I took postnatal depression after 2nd child and changed alot with depression and trying to cope with 2 small kids along with both my parents having health issues. I thought I was in an emotionally abusive relationship but looking back I now question all of that and wonder if I took it up wrong and after listening to ex I now blame myself entirely for the breakdown of the relationship and feel like it's all my fault. My partner wanted more kids but I was afraid to go again so soon and it created issues as well, he also thinks I used sex as a weapon as I was never really up for it after having the kids but that was mainly because I was emotionally and physically exhausted and we were arguing a lot, not even arguing it was mostly silent treatment. To get to the point, he decided to leave a few months ago, but then we both really missed each other and said we could work things out. But he started sleeping with someone 14 yrs younger and of course she got pregnant about 4 weeks after he left here. He at the beginning didn't want the baby, she did, and he came back a few times telling me this wasn't what he wanted, he wanted me and the kids and to be home. Now in the last few weeks that has changed he "has to do the right thing by her" and now has feelings for her. I'm broken, he told me all this stuff about wanting to fix us but now all of a sudden he thinks it's best to stay with her and its shattered me. Our kids were very much planned, took me 8 yrs to have them. They are 4 and 5. The kids are round her all the time during dad's weekends with them. They know about the baby and are excited in ways which breaks me even more. All he wanted was another baby but instead of the kids seeing me grow another life they're watching it with her. I cant understand after 20 yrs together how he can just simply walk away and cut me off and I'm expected to roll over and share the children it took me yrs to have with some other woman in her early 20s. She's playing happy families with my kids taking pics etc and trying to involve them with her nieces and nephews now. I miss him so much and I'm struggling that I'm picking up the pieces of being broken hearted along with financially struggling, my mental health has declined a lot because of this and knowing he's just moved on as if I'm nothing and gets to walk into a whole other relationship and baby straightaway abd involve our children. I feel like packing up and moving town if I'm honest as this is having a massive toll me and my kids see the effect its having on their mum. I'm not coping at all... And when they're with their dad and the new gf I'm at my wits end fighting myself to not end my life. He's pulled my entire world from beneath my feet. I never seen this coming. Along with the fact up until 2 weeks ago he was breadcrumbing the shit out of me, he even came to the house on a few occasions when the kids were in bed and we talked about everything both crying about the situation but all of a sudden I'm just totally discarded. My family and friends have had enough of seeing me stuck in darkness, I've no one to talk to about it all. They think I just need to pull myself together but my mind is full of thoughts all the time, I'm completely haunted by him in our home and outside of it. I've all those memories that there's no running away from, and obviously having to listen to the kids talk about the new situation and talk about all their memories from dad being with us. I just can't get away from it all. I feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. He very much made it out to me that this is where his heart belongs and then very quickly retreated. I'm told it's basically all my fault. If I'd have done more or made him feel like more when he was with me he'd never have left, that I ultimately pushed him into seeking another person and basically this is my own karma. So I'm now riddled with absolute regret and blame as well. I've lost the man I put my entire life into along with the kids losing their dad living at home and I'm just broken beyond repair. I don't know how much more I can face. He has taken my whole life and tore it down. We also just lived in a bubble which consisted of just me and him until the kids came along. We didn't really socialise with others etc just our own company. So now I'm trying to rebuild myself trying to make friends etc and it's feels so alien to me and its setting my whole anxiety off. I'm having to try a rebuild a life but he just gets to walk into a new relationship and family with her while I have to start all over with nothing and no one. I'm used to just having him and the kids... this new found freedom scares the life out of me that I don't know where to begin. I cant even think of seeing a new man either the thoughts of that petrify me. I put so much into 20 yrs for him to just leave me completely broken. He always said he'd never cope alone so that's why he's walked straight into this with her, he doesn't have to face what I'm facing. And if the shoe was on the other foot he admits he'd be 6ft under months ago. He's talked about his fear of seeing me move on or another man round the kids yet I'm having to face what I am with him and he fully expects me to accept it and play along, if I don't play along I'm controlling him and controlling what he's allowed with the kids. I cant seem to win. He thinks he's the victim here and anything I do out of my hurt makes me cruel or controlling rather than him seeing I'm in absolute turmoil over it all. I don't know what to do but in this point in time it actually had me questioning my self worth and my life. I'm fighting these dark thoughts for my children but I don't know how much longer I can cope. I feel like I'm having a complete breakdown over everything.Id rather me or the kids never had to see him again so I can heal but with having the kids round him and her every other weekend it's really holding me back and making me worse.