I'm not coping since the breakup

[littlerayofsunshine0]

With my ex partner 20 yrs, from teenagers to late 30s. We have 2 small kids together who are only 12 months apart in age. I took postnatal depression after 2nd child and changed alot with depression and trying to cope with 2 small kids along with both my parents having health issues. I thought I was in an emotionally abusive relationship but looking back I now question all of that and wonder if I took it up wrong and after listening to ex I now blame myself entirely for the breakdown of the relationship and feel like it's all my fault. My partner wanted more kids but I was afraid to go again so soon and it created issues as well, he also thinks I used sex as a weapon as I was never really up for it after having the kids but that was mainly because I was emotionally and physically exhausted and we were arguing a lot, not even arguing it was mostly silent treatment. To get to the point, he decided to leave a few months ago, but then we both really missed each other and said we could work things out. But he started sleeping with someone 14 yrs younger and of course she got pregnant about 4 weeks after he left here. He at the beginning didn't want the baby, she did, and he came back a few times telling me this wasn't what he wanted, he wanted me and the kids and to be home. Now in the last few weeks that has changed he "has to do the right thing by her" and now has feelings for her. I'm broken, he told me all this stuff about wanting to fix us but now all of a sudden he thinks it's best to stay with her and its shattered me. Our kids were very much planned, took me 8 yrs to have them. They are 4 and 5. The kids are round her all the time during dad's weekends with them. They know about the baby and are excited in ways which breaks me even more. All he wanted was another baby but instead of the kids seeing me grow another life they're watching it with her. I cant understand after 20 yrs together how he can just simply walk away and cut me off and I'm expected to roll over and share the children it took me yrs to have with some other woman in her early 20s. She's playing happy families with my kids taking pics etc and trying to involve them with her nieces and nephews now. I miss him so much and I'm struggling that I'm picking up the pieces of being broken hearted along with financially struggling, my mental health has declined a lot because of this and knowing he's just moved on as if I'm nothing and gets to walk into a whole other relationship and baby straightaway abd involve our children. I feel like packing up and moving town if I'm honest as this is having a massive toll me and my kids see the effect its having on their mum. I'm not coping at all... And when they're with their dad and the new gf I'm at my wits end fighting myself to not end my life. He's pulled my entire world from beneath my feet. I never seen this coming. Along with the fact up until 2 weeks ago he was breadcrumbing the shit out of me, he even came to the house on a few occasions when the kids were in bed and we talked about everything both crying about the situation but all of a sudden I'm just totally discarded. My family and friends have had enough of seeing me stuck in darkness, I've no one to talk to about it all. They think I just need to pull myself together but my mind is full of thoughts all the time, I'm completely haunted by him in our home and outside of it. I've all those memories that there's no running away from, and obviously having to listen to the kids talk about the new situation and talk about all their memories from dad being with us. I just can't get away from it all. I feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. He very much made it out to me that this is where his heart belongs and then very quickly retreated. I'm told it's basically all my fault. If I'd have done more or made him feel like more when he was with me he'd never have left, that I ultimately pushed him into seeking another person and basically this is my own karma. So I'm now riddled with absolute regret and blame as well. I've lost the man I put my entire life into along with the kids losing their dad living at home and I'm just broken beyond repair. I don't know how much more I can face. He has taken my whole life and tore it down. We also just lived in a bubble which consisted of just me and him until the kids came along. We didn't really socialise with others etc just our own company. So now I'm trying to rebuild myself trying to make friends etc and it's feels so alien to me and its setting my whole anxiety off. I'm having to try a rebuild a life but he just gets to walk into a new relationship and family with her while I have to start all over with nothing and no one. I'm used to just having him and the kids... this new found freedom scares the life out of me that I don't know where to begin. I cant even think of seeing a new man either the thoughts of that petrify me. I put so much into 20 yrs for him to just leave me completely broken. He always said he'd never cope alone so that's why he's walked straight into this with her, he doesn't have to face what I'm facing. And if the shoe was on the other foot he admits he'd be 6ft under months ago. He's talked about his fear of seeing me move on or another man round the kids yet I'm having to face what I am with him and he fully expects me to accept it and play along, if I don't play along I'm controlling him and controlling what he's allowed with the kids. I cant seem to win. He thinks he's the victim here and anything I do out of my hurt makes me cruel or controlling rather than him seeing I'm in absolute turmoil over it all. I don't know what to do but in this point in time it actually had me questioning my self worth and my life. I'm fighting these dark thoughts for my children but I don't know how much longer I can cope. I feel like I'm having a complete breakdown over everything.Id rather me or the kids never had to see him again so I can heal but with having the kids round him and her every other weekend it's really holding me back and making me worse.

Oh god this must be dreadful for you.

one thing that did strike me from your post is that he wanted another child, yet he knew you were struggling with the ones you already had.

that to me is saying he cares about what he wants, and only what he wants. He wanted another children with no thought or regard for you at all.

Hi, I wanted to write as I have also idealised dying after a horrible break up, but in very different circumstances. It is horrible and I really feel for you. Try and get help- even if you don’t feel you can speak to friends or family, try a mental health service. There is a free SMS one where you don’t even need to speak. Try and go outside when you feel really low- I always find that, even if I have to absolutely drag myself, getting into the fresh air and seeing some outdoors and nature can help. Can you afford counselling? It sounds to me like you really need someone to help talk with you step by step what you should do now, as it is a very complicated situation and it is so perfectly normal you feel the way you do. It is awful your friends/family think you need to pull yourself together- they need to support you through your very understandable anguish.

re finding friends, are there any local mums groups or something? Or bumble BFF? Target trying to find friends where there may be others in lonely situations. The world is a lonely place and there are so many of us out there needing connection.

It is important to remember that you are not alone in this. Many people go through similar experiences and it can be helpful to talk to others who have been through similar situations. You might want to consider seeking support from a therapist or a support group. They can provide a safe space for you to talk about your feelings and help you work through the pain.
You can read tips and watch video about relationship>> Here

well he sounds an absolute tool

tbh it seems like he’s done you a favour, a bit like the rubbish taking it’s self out - handy .

heart break is awful though. All you can think about. I wanted you to know that your not by yourself.

It’s not going to be all your fault is it? But it helps him in his head to be the good guy and you be the bad guy. Very convenient for him. Stop all conversations and communicate only on email re kids, as that gives you time to reply and gets him out of your face.
You can talk to the Samaritans any time, you don’t have to suicidal. Can you afford counselling? At the very least, talk to your doctor and possibly get some anti depressants while you are waiting for free counselling.
It does get less awful. He’s no saint, so don’t go blaming yourself. There’s plenty of life left to enjoy and find one small thing to do for yourself, even if it’s just joining a gym or better a class, just do it and get a break for an hour.
Solidarity sister, you’ve literally been left holding the kids while he waltzes off to make more.

What an awful, cowardly man. It doesn't sound like he attempted to make the relationship work whilst you were struggling but instead left his responsibilities and fled to someone else. Don't be jealous of the younger woman - she is foolish for having a baby with a significantly older man who has proven to be unreliable and the foundations of their relationship are sand. You don't know what the outcome of this new relationship will be.

From your post it is clear you are not solely at fault for the relationship breakdown. Him wanting more children also suggests he either didn't recognise how much it affected your mental health or simply didn't care. "Weaponising sex" is also a major red flag as it shows he thinks he has no responsibility for making himself an attractive partner who you would want to have sex with (ie. through showing you love, care and respect). Rather he thinks he is entitled to sex and you either withhold it or give it to him.

The happy families thing and involvement with her extended family so soon sounds terrible and completely inappropriate. If I were you I would try to avoid coming across any photos of events etc on social media that would upset me. Remove the triggers as much as possible. With your ex, stick to factual exchange about arrangements with your children only. Focus on yourself, go for a walk in your favourite place, buy yourself daffodils, even if it only gives you 10 minutes of distraction or happiness it's something. I agree with other posters that you need to talk to someone whether via phone hotline/counselling or in person so you can let out your emotions.

You feel devastated now but maybe in time you will be able to recognise him for the pathetic man-child he is and feel pity. Don't let this weak man wreck your self-esteem and your life permanently. I really hope you find some peace.

No I purposely don't go looking through social media as I know that would set me off. In fact I only joined social media since the breakup (he wasn't keen in me using social media) I've found out about stuff through the kids just talking of their own accord to me, that's what I'm saying there's no running away from this for me, I've the kids saying everything and it's heart wrenching. Even taking the kids to places we usually bring them, I have them telling me dad & (new gf name) takes us here now 😪 and immediately I feel my heart sink... Hes basically taking the kids to all the places I take them but with his new gf in tow. I cant understand why she has to be there everytime he has the kids, he should be spending 1-1 with them. Yes they should see her face and know who she is but she's way more involved with them than she should be! And she's walking into a pre made family that took me so long to create and he just gets to walk out and into the arms of someone else, knock her up and has the audacity to play happy families while I'm utterly broken. Again, if this was the other way around he wouldn't be standing on this earth right now which he has admitted. I've helped these man through the darkest moments of his life, he freely says if it wasn't for me he'd be dead or in jail.. I helped him become the man he is today only for him to walk out and leave me in my darkest moment ever. I talked him out of suicide on many occasions, I sat with him throughout lonely nights where he was plagued with insomnia and dark thoughts. I understand we went through a rough patch after having the kids as I was unwell and finding things tough but I never deserved any of this. I've never felt this sort of pain or loss in my life. I cant believe just because he got her pregnant she was worth being with more than me and the children we dedicated time to making. He know this was my worst nightmare as my own dad buggered off when I was 4 and it left me with serious issues about myself. My mum raised me. I always feared having to do the same thing as I watched her struggle and here I am tonight doing just that. When he was at home I begged him to do stuff at weekends etc as I couldn't take being stuck inside the house. But all of a sudden he's the best dad on earth now, doing stuff with the kids every other weekend yet he never wanted to do much when he was here. It seems like since he left he's turned into the man I wanted him to be with me. Takes her out for dinners and dates etc, I pleaded with him to do that for me and maybe then I'd be more up for intimacy. My days consisted of being in this house 24/7 I just wanted to be felt appreciated. But yep she's basically getting the man I pleaded for so that too makes me think it was all my own doing. And she's seeing this great side to him and how hands on with the kids he is but at home here that was my job 80% of the time. It seems like he's soaring through life right now while I'm fighting for my life after having everything ripped away and now doing it single handedly except for the days he has them. I hate having to pack up a bag for them for his house, it breaks me. I never expected our children were ever gonna experience being spilt between 2 homes esp when we emwere together so long and put so much into having them

I'm even questioning if that other girl is gonna face the same sort of dilemmas I did with him that made me feel there was emotional abuse.. I question if it was now as he's told me all the fault lies with me and I hold my hands up to parts but other parts I done things just to keep the peace between us as I couldn't cope with the silent treatment or the atmosphere it created within the home.. If I spoke to another man I was too friendly or flirting when I was just saying hello. Or I'd get asked why I'm overly nice to other men but treat him like dirt. And that's the tip of the iceberg... The intimacy thing isn't because I wanted to withhold sex, he kept trying to initiate anal sex which I didn't want. He'd huff if I didn't give in, he'd huff if I didn't want sex sometimes it was easier to just give on to save an argument. I explained to him I found it extremely painful, didn't enjoy it but that didn't stop him requesting it everu time we were intimate. It got to the point I felt like I was ruining our sex life because I didn't want to do the things he did. So it caused arguments.... But I didn't withhold sex for the reasons he states. He says I done that to punish him, he's basically saying I was the controlling one in our relationship and somehow I've come to believe it. I'm sure he's told the new gf the same thing that I was so bad to him

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources: www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health. You can also go to the Samaritans website: www.samaritans.org or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
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I feel your pain through your writing, I'm sorry you're going through this. He just sounds awful. His claiming that everything was all your fault and you eventually believing that does sound like emotionally abusive behaviour. He's projecting. Pressurising you for anal sex despite knowing it's painful for you - just shows he didn't care about you.

How he is behaving as a great dad in the "new family" is an act and it won't last, I would bet money on it. She will be a victim of his abuse at some point. Whether at 5 months or 5 years or longer, I am almost certain of it and wouldn't be surprised if he leaves her at some point. Don't torture yourself with the idea of their "happy family". The children are too young to understand the nuances of the situation at the moment but they will in time.

I think you should try and seek some counselling or real life support to help you work on your self esteem. You're going through a lot but you will get through it.💐