Feel like I'm at the end

[Noone23]

I'm posting here because I have no one I can talk to in real life

I'm a failure. I'm 39, and have failed to build a career. I was good academically throughout school and university, and for the first part of my life looked like I was doing well. Then I had severe depression, and left my job as it was high risk and I had access to substances which could have ended my life which was a real possibility.

At 30 I tried a different field in the same career. Although it seemed again like I was doing well, under the surface I was struggling with low mood and suicidal thoughts. I got to last year, and had another protracted depression where I was barely functional for 6 months, and slowly recovered.

I don't really know what to do. I spoke to my mother. She told me how I'm a disappointment, that they had invested so much in me, and all my peers are successful now.

This hurt badly. I came from an abusive household, my father was imprisoned for manslaughter when I was 10, and after release (overturned conviction) he was more violent and emotionally abusive. I was forced into a career I didn't want to do, and when I started having mental health difficulties they cut me out of their lives. They only came back after we had our daughter.

Now I have 2 kids who I love dearly, a partner and a house. I have lots to feel thankful for. But my failure at my career makes me feel worthless. I desperately want to be useful, and provide for my kids. But I can't do the career I am in, as I think the trauma I experienced as a child is linked to it, and I keep breaking down.i have no experience in any other field.

My partner has been offered a job in Australia as a GP and thinks it would be a good chance for us to start again, give the kids opportunities, and I can make a fresh start. But all I can see is me being in a new country, with no job and no useful experience to find one. I want my family to go. But I don't see any point in me going and being a burden.

The future looks bleak. And all I can think is that everyone is better off without me, from a financial perspective. I've had lots of therapy and medications, but none of that can fix a broken life.

I wish I could start again but that's not realistic. I want to be there for my family. But I'm of no use, beyond childcare and domestic work. I want to give my kids a chance at a happy life.

Sorry

Sorry to hear you're feeling this way. It sounds very similar to my life.

One thing I will say is that you are not a disappointment to your children. They love you and would be absolutely devastated beyond belief if you weren't around.

I think your parents have projected their disappointment onto you. Having a successful career is NOT the only way to be happy. Some of the happiest people I know have "jobs" that are not career worthy, but they make their life matter outside of paid work.

Have you tried any talking therapies or anti depressants?

I hear you and I'm listening.

Please understand that you are not alone and there are so many others that have experienced what you have.

I'm 33 and 7 years ago I had a severe 3 month long manic psychotic episode and it destroyed my life and every thing I had worked for over 7 years.

I just like to experienced long awful depressive episodes but I learnt the hard way that I'm actually bipolar type 1. I had an incredibly promising career and I had to up and leave everything I had made for myself and move back home with my parents.

I haven't been able to work since I was 26, and turning to benifits and disability payments was a tough pill to swallow. But I now have my own flat and a man that loves me very very much. You are experiencing very intrusive thoughts and they aren't helpful to you what so ever. I still experience them daily. You are not alone on this. You are not a failure, you are a human being that has produced two incredible little humans full of love!!! That's my dream!!!

If I got given the opportunity to move to another country I would do it in a heartbeat- maybe you could try a trip there to see how you feel about the place first?

Please don't be hard on yourself. You've done amazing and I don't believe we are here on this earth to work, we live to love and be loved.

Xxx

It's not all about work you know.

You have value as a person. You have alot to be grateful for.

You sound like your life has been very successful despite difficult beginnings.

Putting aside your stresses about your career, would you like to move to Australia?

Not being able to hold down a career or provide financially doesn't make you less of a person, or less value as a person. You sound like you had a difficult childhood and you've really struggled with your mental health. It's ok to feel you can't keep up with your career any more.

I have health difficulties and only work part time in an entry level job. It's all I can manage. But that's ok. It doesn't mean my partner sees me as any less. The comments your mother made to you about being a 'failure' were not ok, and incredibly cruel. I'm so sorry you had to hear that from her.

If your partner is a GP, you must be ok financially as a family? Being there for your kids is just as important - if not far more important - than earning money.

And having no experience in another field doesn't mean you can't get a different job. You may have to earn less, but that does NOT make you a failure.

I think you should get some help for your mental health. You are attaching far too much of your self worth towards work. Many people can't work at all, but that doesn't mean they are worthless.

You are not to blame for any of this lovely. Your parents created this shitstorm so dont believe a word they say.
You have a lovely family of your own and you owe it to them to fight on. . They need you and their lives would be so much poorer without you.
A career is not important in the grand scheme of things so I would go with your husband and children and make a new life abroad.
Your parents were / are abusive and they have damaged you as a result. Please get the therapy you need to heal from your childhood trauma and dont look to your parents for any validation. You wont get what you need from them so let them go and look forward . EMDR therapy seems to have a good success rate with trauma so that might be worth a look.
Anyway I sincerely hope you find the help you need and wish you all the v best for the future x

You are not alone @Noone23, you matter and you are enough.

I understand how you feel.

Australia sounds amazing.

Sorry you've been going through such a hard time OP.

From my perspective, your future has never looked brighter as you have a great opportunity to start afresh with the people you love most. It sounds like your partner has a solid career which will offer you all some stability in Australia and who's to say that you can't kick start your career again and potentially in a completely different field.

You mentioned that you feel everyone will be better off without you from a financial perspective but I doubt that's true - does your partner ever bring the fact that you're not working up in conversation or male you feel bad because of it? Would your partners salary be able to support you all until you could find a role?

I wouldn't discount moving to Australia until I'd taken a serious look at what job opportunities are available in the area of Australia you would be moving to and don't forget that sometimes it's easier to find a role once you've actually moved to your new location.

I'd weigh up your pros and cons and have a good discussion with your family about your thoughts and feelings so that you don't feel overlooked and to make sure you're making the decision for the right reasons and not just to please your partner.

Very best of luck OP, I'm sure life if going to work out great for you.

I echo this. Don't let any plans panic you, just take the information slowly and process it.

This may be the leap you need. I totally understand the cloud you are under, everything feels so bleak and pointless. There is no joy but I have to say, the right meds can give you enough of a boost to start making small steps to recovery.

You are sound amazingly just being able to post on here. Keep talking to us 💐

Thanks for the kind responses. I know compared to many my difficulties are not the worst. It helps to know I'm not alone in struggling, sometimes the world makes it seem like everyone else is getting through life a lot easier than I am. Also, I hope all of you who have had your own challenges are doing well, it's nice to know their are so many understanding people out there

And career schmeer, you do NOT have to have a career, no-one needs to. If it doesn't give you happiness and make you feel good, it doesn't matter how long you studied and aspired to. Things don't work out, jobs are rarely what you think they'll be.

You have kids, they can be your focus. Your mum is projecting her own feelings about herself. How can anyone's child be a disappointment??? What does that even mean? You're a grown woman who's in a grown up relationship with 2 kids - that's a bloody great success.

I think we always want to please our parents but I don't think they deserve your worry about this.

I would grab the opportunity to go to Australia - better life for your children too and your husband couldn’t do it without you ! The weather is nicer and you’d get away from the negative environment in the U.K. including your useless parents. Please don’t worry about career - going abroad you can take the opportunity to change to something else lower stress and part time even just to give you routine / purpose / social interaction.
Do you exercise / walk / swim?
You are 100% not a failure and you do benefit your family much more than you give yourself credit for.
have a read of the midnight library - that May help you see things differently
take care 🤗

I am so sorry you feel like this.

Please know that your value isn't in your job. You are loved by your family. They need you and love you and don't give a shit what you do for a job.

I understand how it feels to be so disappointed in yourself and your failings. I feel this too. But I believe that it's a phase of life that will pass. I remind myself I don't value people by their careers, but their hearts and minds. Don't judge yourself by standards you wouldn't apply to others.

You are loved. Big hug.

When I was at my worst, every time I saw a bad news story or heard about someone suffering, instead of thinking 'come on, you are OK, at least it's not that bad' i just felt despair for the people AND for myself.

Now I can use it to buck myself up - I can only do this now because I am well.

There's a massive difference. Have you had help from the GP?

Sorry to read this, you sound really lovely and I hate to think you are feeling like this. I am only just starting my career path from scratch now, I had children straight after university. I often feel how you do but I'm trying my best to see the positives and keep the faith. Australia sounds fantastic, a wonderful opportunity. I've also had some bleak moments with pnd.

I have a career and am good
at my job because things have fallen into place - you have had a much worse hand than that, through no fault of your own. With that in mind, I know that when I come to the end of my time, what will comfort me will be the knowledge that I have kids and love them; I won’t even give my career a second thought. You must not define yourself by what you do for a living - that is not the totality of who you are.

OP if my mother had taken that kind of attitude to me I'd have rolled mysef up in a corner and given up. You're amazing to have done as much as you have.

I think if you go to Australia, it's important that you research the job market first, in consultation with DH, and make sure you have some options to try there.

But don't try to found your self-worth on a job. It'll never work, you'll never find yourself good enough. You are good enough though. Look for healing, not success as conventionally defined.

You sound extraordinarily resilient and strong. You’ve survived a very traumatic start in life and a damaging relationship with your mother, become a parent, and seem to have great insight about yourself. You sound like you have great capacity for love - this is the single best thing you can do for your children.

Please, please don’t view yourself as a failure. The idea that we are defined by our careers is so damaging. We don’t just have to be economically productive machines. It’s such a reductive view of success, and one by which many of us would come up short. I bet you would be far kinder to someone else in this situation than you are to yourself.

I 100% guarantee that no-one is better off without you. My mum took her own life, and her note indicated that she thought I’d be better off without her. It drives me crazy that I can’t tell her how wrong she was.

I grew up in a very volatile/violent household and I understand how that screws you up mentally.
I suffer frequent episodes of severe anxiety/depression and I understand the hopelessness your feeling.
You are enough and sending hugs. X

You don't need a career to succeed. Find your own path and stop comparing yourself to others. Australia sounds like a great opportunity. Enjoy your children, have adventures and look after yourself.

Thank you so much for all the replies. I know I need to find some sense if self worth not related to a job, it's hard as it was hammered into me as a child that I was only valued if I succeeded. Thanks for listening to me x

How are you feeling about things now OP? Hope your weekend has been a positive one.

OP, I think you have internalised your parents nasty critical attitudes, and now you are replaying their horrible voices on a loop in your head.
You need cognitive therapy to challenge these negative destructive thoughts that are eating away at your self esteem. My sister uses a “cognitive stop” - whenever she starts thinking she is useless or a failure, she says “Oh just fuck off!” to the thoughts. Part of that process is to then replace the negative thought with a positive mantra.
My toxic father used to shout “You’re hopeless, helpless and useless” at his children on a daily basis. My therapist taught me to replace that with the mantra “I am loving, I am loved, I am able”, as a way to counteract it. I think something similar could be helpful for you, alongside a course of antidepressant medication.
It is essential that you separate your parents’ shit perception of you from the reality of who you actually are. You are a loved mum and wife, with a good life and the chance of a happy future in Australia.
I would leap at it - not least because it gets you half a planet away from your bastard parents! Go for it.

Your parents have abused you throughout your life to the point you felt you had no self-worth.

I urge you to go and take a look at your two beautiful children. They will be your greatest achievements and I have no doubt that they love you dearly. You are worth it and you are good enough. Believe that and get rid of those vile family members who have made you feel otherwise your whole adult life.

My husband has had similar feelings and thoughts to you. I have spent so much time trying desperately to convince him that we absolutely would not be better off without him. Whilst harming yourself might seem like it would solve problems it would create lasting trauma for your children and partner. They love and value you and your career success or lack of is irrelevant to this. Your career is not what defines you or what makes your life worthwhile. It is never too late to make changes to your life if you are unhappy.

How are you doing @Noone23?