I'm posting here because I have no one I can talk to in real life
I'm a failure. I'm 39, and have failed to build a career. I was good academically throughout school and university, and for the first part of my life looked like I was doing well. Then I had severe depression, and left my job as it was high risk and I had access to substances which could have ended my life which was a real possibility.
At 30 I tried a different field in the same career. Although it seemed again like I was doing well, under the surface I was struggling with low mood and suicidal thoughts. I got to last year, and had another protracted depression where I was barely functional for 6 months, and slowly recovered.
I don't really know what to do. I spoke to my mother. She told me how I'm a disappointment, that they had invested so much in me, and all my peers are successful now.
This hurt badly. I came from an abusive household, my father was imprisoned for manslaughter when I was 10, and after release (overturned conviction) he was more violent and emotionally abusive. I was forced into a career I didn't want to do, and when I started having mental health difficulties they cut me out of their lives. They only came back after we had our daughter.
Now I have 2 kids who I love dearly, a partner and a house. I have lots to feel thankful for. But my failure at my career makes me feel worthless. I desperately want to be useful, and provide for my kids. But I can't do the career I am in, as I think the trauma I experienced as a child is linked to it, and I keep breaking down.i have no experience in any other field.
My partner has been offered a job in Australia as a GP and thinks it would be a good chance for us to start again, give the kids opportunities, and I can make a fresh start. But all I can see is me being in a new country, with no job and no useful experience to find one. I want my family to go. But I don't see any point in me going and being a burden.
The future looks bleak. And all I can think is that everyone is better off without me, from a financial perspective. I've had lots of therapy and medications, but none of that can fix a broken life.
I wish I could start again but that's not realistic. I want to be there for my family. But I'm of no use, beyond childcare and domestic work. I want to give my kids a chance at a happy life.
Sorry