Why am I like this?

[lifeissweet]

My life is fine. No harder than anyone else's much easier than some.

I'm broken. I've spent all night waking up in panic every hour or so. I'm throwing up this morning and I'm crying and crying and crying.

I've broken. It's been coming for a while. I've been soldiering on and squashing it down. The anxiety has been building. The sense of dread gradually taking me over.

Everything is such an effort. Doing the school run feels like climbing a mountain. The laundry isn't getting done. I am starting not to wash because it's too much hard work.

But there's nothing wrong. Why can't I pull myself together?

Have you spoken to your GP, I really think that should be your first step. I hope you feel better soon.

@lifeissweet I feel your pain. I'm presently signed off with anxiety/depression. I've got lots going well in life but I also have an anxiety disorder. Atm there is a lot going on is several aspects of life, all good things but good things still cause stress I suppose.
Look at all the famous people with mental health problems . Just because life is good on paper doesnt mean your immune to mental health problems. Sending love. X

Thank you, both. You are very kind.

I have been here before many times. I have periods of years when I'm fine and then, seemingly suddenly, I crash and burn and can't do anything.

This has been building for a while, but I thought I could head it off. It was a mild prickly feeling. Some nausea and panic every day, but not so much I couldn't squash it.

Then over the last few weeks I've found sleeping impossible, my appetite has gone and then the dam broke last night and I've been sobbing and sobbing and unable to move.

But there's nothing wrong. I have a lot on. Lots of that is positive too (about to sell and buy a bigger house, hopefully), but none of it seems to head off the black feeling of terror and doom.

I feel so stupid. How do I explain it to work? This has happened (and I've had to be signed off) every 3/4 years of my adult life. It has never happened before in this particular job, but it will make no sense to them. From their perspective, I was fine...and then I wasn't.

Why am I like this? Do other people get this, but manage it better?

It's a cliche (sorry) but what was your childhood like? So many MH issues emanate from what we learnt, or believed, in the first 10 years of life.

@lifeissweet if this has been an ongoing thing on and off do you have a diagnosis?
I like you have episodes every so often. Everytime it feels like the end and that it'll never end and my husband always tells me 'your ill give it time'
Atm I'm in the 'I can't see it getting better phase'.

Severe depressive disorder was the last diagnosis. It doesn't seem to be reactive, it just happens. I was on the highest dose of Mirtazapine last time for 2 years, but it was giving me restless legs and making me fat, so I tapered off over 6 months then felt absolutely fine for 2 years.

I'm going to have to go back on the meds, aren't I?

I still feel like it's just me, though. That I can't manage life like other people and need to pull myself together and get on with it. I feel like I've given in to it.

I've had lots and lots of talk therapy over the years of different sorts and, where some was helpful, most was not. I think that's more helpful when there's an issue to get through or a learned behaviour to unpick, but I think I have done all that by now. I also find the idea that I have to fix myself just exhausting at the moment. I don't want to talk. My head isn't clear enough to make any sense anyway.

I don't know what's going on.

I have read lots of psychiatrists saying that depression isn't a real diagnosis and that meds are more of a placebo and I don't know what to believe. Am I just a massive drama Queen?

Absolutely not . Depression is real and extremely hard work. Can I ask how old you are?

I'm 44. Single parent. 2 children, DS17 and DD11.
I'm a teacher (of sorts). It's stressful. Everything is quite stressful, but no more than usual and no worse than most people.

I had my first episode when I was 21 and in my first job (not teaching) after graduating

I know the 'I can't see it getting better' phase. It's the worst.

It always does, though. I can say that to you while not really believing it for myself, though!

Oh my gosh I could have written your opening post. I have recently had to give in and go back on the meds, but I went for Amiltripyline instead of the Mirtazapine.

How are you getting on with that so far?
I'm sorry you're going through it too. It is the most awful feeling.

It’s certainly helped my sleep, which was a massive issue for me. I’m not sure it’s helped my actual anxiety or depression yet.

I'm also 44 and sometimes wonder about hormones but the doctors dont seem to think it's a problem . I suffer with intrusive thoughts quite badly aswell.
I had my medication changed over Christmas and up until 3 weeks ago was doing ok or so i thought.
Just totally exhausted ladies

Relate to your post so much. Similar age, kids of similar age, work in education.

I burn out every few years. It’s been happening since I was at university. I can see it happening now - my anxiety gradually rises, my sleep changes, fatigue sets in and then depression - but I can’t stop it from happening.

What I have learned to do is minimise it’s impact when it does happen. For me, this does means medication (I take Prozac always and up my dose when I feel the depression kicking in) and it means accepting I might need signed time off work to recover. The alternative to not taking my meds and taking time off is complete and utter breakdown, which happened to me once some years ago when I kept pushing through and didn’t admit what was happening - and I am not going back there again.

I have also found some peace in being honest with myself and those closest to me (DH, for example) that this might just be who I am and what I’m like. There actually isn’t any shame in it. Acceptance has been hugely healing for me and helps me recover more quickly when I go through these stages.

For what it’s worth, I got an adult diagnosis of ADHD in my early 40s. It explains SO much. I’ve had previous MH diagnoses which were then discounted and so felt like I never really had a proper explanation for why I have these cycles. The ADHD diagnosis was like a lightbulb - it’s classic ADHD overwhelm that I get, I think.

I did have some trauma in my childhood, too, which I’m sure contributes. But I’ve never found therapy (and I’ve had lots of different types!) helped me.

Acceptance, medication and a mental break/rest are the things that help me.

Wishing you better soon

Just to add, my last ‘episode’ like this was almost certainly triggered by hormonal issues. I feel better since starting HRT, although took a couple of months to kick in for me.

Why am I like this?

My life is fine. No harder than anyone else's much easier than some.

That's not true though:

Severe depressive disorder was the last diagnosis.

You're dealing with a serious illness. Most people don't have to deal with this.

I have read lots of psychiatrists saying that depression isn't a real diagnosis and that meds are more of a placebo and I don't know what to believe.

This is very much a minority view within the field, and besides which they're twats if they say depression isn't real. You're dealing with something that's real and difficult and which most people aren't having to deal with. You're doing well to stay standing up and breathing if you have severe depression.

That is really interesting, @GarveySister.

I agree that I need to accept this. I don't. I fight against it and beat myself up for 'giving in'. I refuse to get signed off until I can't physically leave the house (where I am now).

I'm on my own, which makes it hard, but I also decided long ago that it is for the best. I can't inflict this on anyone else. I don't want anyone close to me to know I'm like this. I try to hide it from my DC.

My DS has special needs and is away at a residential college during the week, but DD is with me full time. She doesn't even see her Dad, which means it's all on me. She is hating school at the moment and is generally very demanding anyway. She was born stroppy. I sometimes think that's due to the meds I took when I was pregnant too. She doesn't make any allowances for tiredness, illness or just being human. I have to be 100% patient and accommodating at all times or she kicks off.

I can't be ill or break. It isn't allowed - or even possible. Someone has to drag this child kicking and screaming to school every day.

I have wondered about hormones. I have always suffered from PMDD. I have PMT that is so ridiculous I've nearly run away and quit my job before now, before it all clearing as soon as my period kicks off. I always thought peri menopause was going to be particularly hard on me. I'm not sure I'm there just yet. I just think this is the same crash as usual.

I haven't been to the GP again yet. I'll try and get in tomorrow. 'Hi. Yes, it's happened again. Yes, it's ridiculous. No, there's no reason.'

I'm interested about the ADHD thing too.

I don't struggle with organisation exactly - but I have this thing where I procrastinate about stupid things. I get a mental block where some tasks seem too big and too difficult to complete - even when I rationally know they are not and even that they'd take me 5 minutes.

They are often related to paperwork.

So posting things is a biggie. I will write a birthday card, put it in the hallway with a stamp on it and know, deep down, that it is never making it to the post box. I can't explain it. I can't do it.

Routine paperwork for work is left until I've been chased several times and until I'm waking up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night because it hasn't been done. Do I do it, though? Nope. Can I explain why not? Also no. Feels impossible. This stuff could be polished off in half an hour, but it feels so huge.

I am not good at finishing things. I'll put hours and hours of intense focus into a project and then leave it with a couple of bits left to do. Then it just sits there very nearly finished for another few months. Why? No idea.

Again. I have always been like this. I always thought it was laziness, except that I'm not actually lazy at all, I don't think. I work very hard in a kind of scatter-gun way. I just have a block about some tasks and can't get on top of things. It's like self sabotage.

Does that sound anything like ADHD, or am I just a bit of a lazy mess?

Thank you

Also have PMDD. Another similarity!

Re: perimenopause. It crept up on me between 45-46 years. It was difficult to distinguish from one of my cycles of depression/anxiety at first, but the level of irrational anxiety and irritation I was feeling gradually did start to feel different, coupled with a new level of brain fog, which is when I caved in to HRT!

The procrastination and mental blocks against stuff like posting a letter - God, yes! - and they are definitely features of poor executive functioning / inattentive ADHD. Although I’m not diagnosing you from my armchair . That sort of thing can also be a sign of plain old stress, too. To be honest, my ADHD diagnosis has helped me mainly with understanding and acceptance, though, as I don’t fancy the medication on top of my antidepressants and HRT!).

I also have a child with SEND (, btw (he was also at a residential school for a few years, but is now home) and a stroppy NT teen. It’s fucking hard! And I have DH. Doing it alone must be twice as tough.

You sound like someone who actually copes brilliantly most of the time and is incredibly hard on yourself when you don’t. Sounds familiar to me .

Have you considered an honest talk with your kids about this? How old are they? It might be time they understand that Mum is human, not a machine.

I have ADHD (and OCD, and potentially another diagnosis as well) and get these periodic burnouts which had originally been diagnosed as depression. Over time having these issues have also given me a sense of being different, and that self-esteem aspect has impacted my mental health on a more emotional level as well. But fundamentally I think the neurodevelopmental difference is at the core of the struggles I have and half the solution is self acceptance and the other is eliminating stressors because whether I "should" be able to handle them, I can't. Obviously can't say if it's the case for you, but worth discussing with a professional because there could be something underlying the depression.

Spookily similar, @GarveySister!

My DS is a gentle soul and very helpful and supportive. He knows by now that this happens from time to time and just gives me lots of love and help. He is Deaf and has a severe language disorder, but is actually a normally capable 17 year old in most ways. He still needs a lot of support and is moving home full time this summer to go to a local college. I'm trying to help him with applications at the moment, but I'm not the best person to be doing that given my problems with finishing paperwork!

He is also brilliant with DD. He knows what she is like and finds her quite difficult, but she does actually listen to him and he does sometimes tell her to give me a break and behave herself! He may be the only person she listens to that way. I do worry quite a lot about the impact of him moving home. He has only been here every other weekend and half of the holidays since he was 11, so no one is used to him living here full time. It will be very different. I can't wait, but I think DD will struggle having been used to having me all to herself for so long. This is also why we have to move house, as this place isn't big enough for the three of us full time.

I have explained to DD a few times about this. She asked what the prescription I was collecting was once, so I explained then about depression and what can happen. I told her yesterday that I'm not very well at the moment and it's the same thing I took medicine for. I told her it means I need calm and a bit of grown up behaviour from her, but I think it unsettled her and she's being more needy than ever as a consequence.

I am just a bit overwhelmed with it all.

Thank you. This is interesting. It's not something I would ever have considered, but reading about it, it would make a whole lot of sense.

Acceptance seems to be the thing, doesn't it? I'm not good at that. The 'should' word is powerful and I need to ban it.

Honestly from your first post I could relate and wondered if it would be reasonable for me to bring up ADHD. It sounds like burnout. And your later post makes me think so even more.

I was also diagnosed with depression throughout my life, without really understanding why it would be that. Eventually I was diagnosed with ADHD and things now make a lot more sense. The depression symptoms (feeling worthless, useless, a failure) are gradually lifting now I have an explanation. Therapy will also help.

As it is, I'm even procrastinating right now from a task that I want to do, can do, and planned to do. I'm newly medicated, but I didn't sleep properly last night and so this is my day today. I'm still learning how to manage it.

Off to work on that task now. I will check in here later as a reward for doing it!

half the solution is self acceptance and the other is eliminating stressors because whether I "should" be able to handle them, I can't

This from @FloorWipes is SO true and has been absolutely key for me. The ‘should’ has got to go!