Why am I like this?

[lifeissweet]

My life is fine. No harder than anyone else's much easier than some.

I'm broken. I've spent all night waking up in panic every hour or so. I'm throwing up this morning and I'm crying and crying and crying.

I've broken. It's been coming for a while. I've been soldiering on and squashing it down. The anxiety has been building. The sense of dread gradually taking me over.

Everything is such an effort. Doing the school run feels like climbing a mountain. The laundry isn't getting done. I am starting not to wash because it's too much hard work.

But there's nothing wrong. Why can't I pull myself together?

@NowDoYouBelieveMe - you do yours and I'll do mine. I have one task which, when it's done, will kill off some of the panic.

If I do that, you do yours and we can compare notes later.

Deal?

Sorry - I missed this one.

Hmm.. my childhood was a bit of a contradiction.

We were well off. Dad had a big and important job and we had an enormous house with land and it should have been an idyllic childhood. In some ways, it was.

But Dad was a control freak with a very fixed idea of who and what he wanted his family to be. We were supposed to be a status symbol, i think. I actually think he's a bit neurodiverse himself. He likes things perfect, including his children. He liked complete quiet and order at all times. He didn't allow us to have friends round or play loudly. He was very Victorian in attitudes and we should
be 'seen but not heard' unless we were being presented to his friends or colleagues, in which case we had to be smart, polite, charming and well informed. We had massive expectations on us. We regularly let him down and faced the consequences of that (sulking and silent treatment usually - following a dressing down about how embarrassing we were)

My DB got straight As and then a first from Cambridge, so he ticked the boxes. I did ok, but nothing like that well. I was also awkward, struggled with my weight at times and wasn't really worthy. My sister was wild, but ended up an extremely successful lawyer.

Mum had a hard time with him and his big, black moods, which descended whenever anything wasn't exactly how he wanted it. She would run around like a frightened mouse trying to smooth things over and make things perfect. She left when I was 16. My brother had left home by then. My sister went to live with Mum and I stayed with Dad.

This is all resolved now in a way. Dad and I are close now having been through that time together. I am certainly the closest to him of the 3 of us.

So we wanted for nothing. Had nice holidays and extravagant Christmasses. I sound ungrateful saying it wasn't the happiest of childhoods, but in some ways it was quite difficult.

Again - no more or less difficult that most and certainly far better than some.

Just seen this!

It was a good idea though. How did you do?

I did the majority of mine but it's a creative project and I suffer from crippling self doubt so I struggle to convince myself it's ever really finished.

Extremely high morning anxiety happening here atm. How are you?

Same. Woke every hour between 2 and 6. Then got up and vomited for half an hour just at the thought of getting DD to school.

Spoke to the GP, who has given me beta blockers and restarted the Mirtazapine. I have to go in for a blood test in a bit. Feel sick about that too. Don't know why.

I hate this.

@lifeissweet . Sorry your bad also. Weirdly I'm sleeping really well at night. Last time I was like this i had to have sleeping tablets. It's as soon as i wake up. Feeling sick, hopelessness, panic etc.
My OCD intrusive thoughts are trying their best aswell.
Just cant see the point atm.

I'm so sorry. Do you have something you can do to distract yourself? I have absolutely no concentration span at the moment, so I find myself watching really properly shite telly or short videos to try and give my brain something easy to focus on (doesn't really work, though).

I have house stuff that needs doing, but I'm just so tired that I can't face it. Someone is coming to value the house later and it needs a good hoover. I can't bring myself to do it. I just want to curl up in a ball.

What are the intrusive thoughts? Does it help to share them or do you have to shut them out completely?

@lifeissweet I've had OCD all my life. @FloorWipes has been helpful with this on another thread I've been on.
Basically my intrusive thoughts always go along the lines of 'what if I've done ' xyz.
The themes differ. I always think the OCD is the primary problem but in hindsight whatever stress is going on is what triggers the OCD then comes the depressive episode.
Anyway back to now. Feeling extremely hopelessness and a lot of tears.
Hope your coping xx

Let the tears flow. I never see much point in holding them in. I do that for my DC, but when I'm alone I can howl and let it out. I don't know whether it helps, but not doing it doesn't. I think you sometimes need the release.

I have to collect DD from school and go and collect my prescription in a little while. That feels like a lot to do. Then my boss wants to talk later. She's lovely and very supportive, but I have to tell her about being signed off and I know that will put some pressure on her and I feel so, so bad about that. I wanted to work half days, but my GP just said no - I need total rest and to let the medication work. I wasn't expecting that. They usually go along with what I suggest in terms of adjusted working.

The OCD sounds so hard to manage. I can only imagine in that I have those sorts of thoughts when my anxiety is bad, but I have no idea how hard that would be as a constant background.

Take it easy. Let other people look after you

@lifeissweet hows things?