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Mental health

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Original poster

I am actually a knob.

35 replies

smurfgirl · 09/02/2008 22:34

I had to go to A&E for self harm last night.

I am actually the biggest twat alive I think.

I do have help etc - have appointment on Monday, am just so frustrated with myself these days.

OP posts:
MamaGotMassiveNorks · 09/02/2008 22:35

No you're not. You aren't the first person to do this and you won't be the last

I'm very pleased you went to A&E xxx

karen999 · 09/02/2008 22:36

You are not a twat! Great that you are getting help. Hang on in there...x

Divastrop · 09/02/2008 22:36

you are not a knob,you are ill.it is frustrating because you think you should be able to just get on with it and be ok,but you cant.you are ill,your illness is a knob,not you.

Original poster
smurfgirl · 09/02/2008 22:37

I am getting absolutely nowhere though.

Am big ray of depression today!

OP posts:
Original poster
smurfgirl · 09/02/2008 22:38

Its not an illness I am not ill. This is me, being a big fucking twat. And I feel like this weird, disgusting freak because its not mental health - its not depression, its not BDP etc etc its me. Its all me being a failure and stupid and self destructive and useless. I am so fucking stupid.

Urgh.

Excuse grim language please.

OP posts:
MamaG · 09/02/2008 22:42

Smurfgirl stop it. Who says its not mental health? I self harmed years ago and I firmly believe it was mental illness! Please, please don't think its your fault

Fireflyfairy2 · 09/02/2008 22:44

When's your wedding SG?

Original poster
smurfgirl · 09/02/2008 22:48

October.

MamaG this is mental health you are right but its not mental illness per say and urgh. It feels like my fault.

And dr at a&e but me on antibiotics because some old cuts are infected and they make me feel so sick. Urgh!

OP posts:
MamaG · 09/02/2008 22:49

Ah bless you - how are the wedding plans going?

fingerwoman · 09/02/2008 22:53

it may not be a mental illness in itself, but it is generally symptomatic of a mental illness (depression etc) so please do not feel bad.
I know what it's like, especiallyt the way you often get treated in hospital as well. and i know the shitty feelings afterwards

Original poster
smurfgirl · 09/02/2008 22:59

I find it hard because I am absolutely not depressed - no way. Actually the dr/nurse in A&E were very puzzled by me because I was so chilled with big massive horrid cut on leg. They were quite nice, but I was firm and pulled student nurse card, and my friend was with me.

Wedding plans are fabby MamaG and boyfriend is being little superstar.

My planning pictures are here if you are interested

s164.photobucket.com/albums/u15/applegrl7/

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 09/02/2008 23:00

are you on any ADs at the moment? possibly they aren't agreeing with you?

Divastrop · 09/02/2008 23:01

i know how you are feeling at the moment,to an extent,i was saying similar to a psych nurse yesterday ie 'why would i want to bother you with my stupid crap,its my stupid fault i cant control the thoughts in my head...'etc,she stopped me and said it is not my fault,it is an illness.self-harm is part of mental illness,feeling like a twat is part of it as well.

i got married in october last year

Divastrop · 09/02/2008 23:03

are you stressed/anxious,though?did you feel chilled before you cut yourself?

Original poster
smurfgirl · 09/02/2008 23:05

No ADs am not depressed.

I know its a bit of a weird concept really.

Am obv fucked up.

I felt nothing (well it hurt) when I cut, I just wanted to do something big and damagey. I was very calm and yeah...

Friday was stressful though yes.

OP posts:
Fireflyfairy2 · 09/02/2008 23:05

Those pics are lovely!!

I love the bridesmaid dress!! I thought it was your wedding dress until I saw your dress further on down. Your dress is lovely

I also love the centre piece.. gorgeous & very unusual!!!

Where are you honeymooning?

MamaG · 09/02/2008 23:10

WOW
You are super organised, teh dresses are fantastic, I love the elegance of them and the cake and the flowers

this hair do is beautiful IMO

Original poster
smurfgirl · 09/02/2008 23:10

The Maldives.

I keep thinking about how grim my legs will look but luckily my big bum eclipse that

OP posts:
hippipotami · 09/02/2008 23:13

Smurfgirl, you are NOT fucked up, this is obviously your coping mechanism at the moment. But you are accepting help and that is great

Have just peeked at your wedding planning pictures, and you are beautiful, and your dp looks lovely

Hang in there, you'll be okay.

Original poster
smurfgirl · 09/02/2008 23:14

Thanks mamag - its not a mumsnet friendly wedding because its poncy and ridiculously expensive but i love planning it.

So why am I doing all this rubbish to myself.

I feel torn in two - hence general knobbyness.

OP posts:
MamaG · 09/02/2008 23:15

what IS a MN friendly wedding though? A dress from Boden with organic wedding cake?

can I come?!

Original poster
smurfgirl · 09/02/2008 23:18

Hahaha. It costs 15k and its full of formal sit down meals and stuff which is not mumsnet.

I am v.conflicted and I am glad I have help but everyone says how strong I am and how good I am but I don't feel good or brave or anything. I am still making stupid choices and being really quite dangerous to myself and I don't get it. Urgh.

OP posts:
CissyCharlton · 09/02/2008 23:19

Your hubby to be looks great. Remember, this is a completely rubbish time of year for most people. It'll start to get better soon.

Original poster
smurfgirl · 09/02/2008 23:23

He looks like Bradley from Eastenders.

Hmmm.

OP posts:
Fireflyfairy2 · 09/02/2008 23:31

You make a lovely, happy couple.

An MN friendly wedding.. hah!! Sure as long as the outcome is the same what does it matter!! The outcome is a lovely long & happy marriage

Throw yourself into planning it.

Is there something that triggers your self harm?