struggling to cope and no help available (sorry, long)

[tangerinecath]

I don't post very often but I'm a regular lurker, I've seen some very good advice here and I'm hoping that someone can give me some support and help.

My dd (5 months) is being very hard work at the moment and I'm struggling to cope. All my family and dh's family live at least 100 miles away and everyone I know works full time, so I don't feel that there's anyone around to help or to give me a break from her. She sleeps through the night but doesn't sleep much during the day, and demands constant attention. Dh works nights so is asleep most of the day, even on his days off he has to sleep some of the day so as to not mess up his bodyclock completely. To be fair to him when we're both awake and at home he does what he can to help but because of the hours he works we don't get much family time.

She is bf and refuses to drink from anything other than me, we've tried different teats and cups with spouts etc, all to no avail. She has 4 feeds a day but these can last anything from 1 to 2 hours and are very draining (in more than one sense!). She has small amounts of baby rice or pureed fruit/veg three times a day.

I feel that there's nothing left of me, I very rarely do anything for myself, even things that I could find time for a month or two ago. I am still in my pj's now (4.20pm) as I haven't found the time for a shower today. I wake up most mornings feeling like I haven't slept at all.

I really need a break, it's all getting on top of me, I was sobbing so hard this morning that I actually woke dh up , he's trying to be supportive but can't think of what to say and he gets upset himself too.

Any advice would be very much appreciated.

tia

Poor you - it's horrible those first few months sometimes - I hated it desperately. Is there somewhere with a creche you could go for half an hour a couple of times a week - swimming pool/gym or some kind of nursery - just to give you a bit of a break? Have you gone to any playgroups to see if there are any other mums who fancy doing a daytime babysitting group for just half an hour or an hour - just so you can go for a walk and be by yourself - maybe read a newspaper or a trashy mag?

What about keeping a diary which might be comforting for a few weeks - tell it exactly how you are feeling - or just use us on mumsnet to talk to about how your'e feeling...?

Is this your first child?

You could have been me three years ago, cath. All I can say is that it will get better - I know people are probably telling you that all the time and you don't believe them, but it's true. It sounds as if your dd is starting to get into a routine with her breast feeding four times a day, and her feeds will probably get shorter and less draining as she takes more solids. I do know how hard it is, as my dd would feed for hours at a time, only to want to start again twenty minutes later. Hang on to the fact that you are doing the very best you can for your daughter.

Can you express some milk, and see if she would take it from your dh (or someone else) while you are not there? I could never get dd to take a bottle of expressed milk from me, but she would take it from my dh. Some babies are also happy to lap expressed milk from a small cup - my dd didn't, but I have heard people say it often works with breast fed babies who won't take a bottle.

You do sound as if you need a break, and I wonder if your dh would take dd for you for a couple of hours at the weekend while you have some time for yourself. He sounds as if he would be willing to help, and it shouldn't be too difficult to fit in an hour or two between feeds. Eventually as the breast feeding lessens, you will be able to take more time for yourself. Even if all you do is have a long bath or go back to bed for an hour, you need that time for yourself. My dd is 3.5 now and I still have my couple of hours on a Saturday morning; I would have gone potty without it.

Sending you hugs.

I really feel for you. My parents/inlaws & most close friends live in Scotland whilst we live in the south of England. I often wish my dm or mil lived close by to help me. Whereabouts are you?

tc - sending you lots of best wishes xxx I live far from family plus in a new area with few local friends. It is tough. Is there anything you could do just for you this evening. Make youself a cup of tea & read or watch tv. Just taking your time - when dd is asleep. Congrats on the bf - she will cut done when she's ready.

oh Tangerinecath, i am due at the end of jan with no2 and the memory of what you're going through is still so fresh in my meory, i am scared sh*tless about getting through the first 6 mths.

have you talked to your HV or GP? Could you bear to? i wish i'd been a bit more honest with mine.

also you sound like you're in serious need of some human (as opposed to baby) company. are there any mother/baby groups in the neighbourhood? so you can offload and pool ideas and, as BBF says, maybe swap babies for a halfhour here and there. i remember the elation of going out on my own when i had mastitis, my parents babysitting for 20 mins so i could go to the GP. truthfully, it was one of the highlights of the first few months. so worth seeking out groups like these.

it's incredibly hard. i remember the ceaselessness of it all too well. the weather at this time of year also makes it harder -- by the time you do get out, it's going dark.

imagine you really feel like you're losing contact with Dh as well.

honey, i promise you things do start to change SOON. however if dd is tetchy, do you think she could do with more sleep? fantastic she's sleeping through, but do you think with some encournagement she might go down for a bit in the day, so you could have a break? it might not be easy at first but if you think she's grumpy because she might be tired (and 5 mths is vv young to go without much daytime sleep) it might be worth gritting teeth and trying to get her used to having a long nap in middle of the day? it really shouldn't affect her nighttime sleep as long as she has it nice and early?

Can you try cutting down the feeding time. I'm pretty sure they get most of the milk in the first ten minutes or so each side. Have you got a vibrating bouncing chair to put her in during her awake time? Long slow quiet walks are good if you feel up to it (I know its a bit chilly but wrap up well - both!) Perhaps if you just put on joggers and jumpers in morning and went out she might fall asleep and you could have time to shower etc while she was asleep when you got back. You'd probably feel better for having been out. Hope things pick up soon.

i really feel for you. I was in the same situation with my first. I'd be feeding him in the morning when hubby went out and still be sitting in the same place feeding him when hubby got home. its draining both physically and mentally. he wouldn't go to anybody else or go to sleep with out being fed. maybe i could have had a break by giving him a dummy but i was so determined to be 'perfect' that i struggled on (ds2 has a dummy) it was also my desire to be seen as 'perfect' that stopped me from talking to my health visitor. she even got me to give talks on the benifits of breast feeding whilst being blissfully unaware of how much i was struggling. i fed him for 14 months in the end. as soon as i stopped feeding him his eating and sleeping improved drastically. not that i'm saying you should stop feeding, just that you also need to think of your own well being too, nobody will think any less of you because you need a little help xxx

where do you live? im in birmingham. if you live local we could go for a coffee or something. if not then im sure someone on mumsnet will be near to you.

love sarah

So many replies so quickly, thanks ladies . Good to know that it gets better.

I've tried to think of ways to give myself a break but I keep coming up agains barriers, not sure if I'm making excuses or if the barriers are real.

BBF - Money is a bit tight atm so creches etc are out unfortunatly. I have been to a mother & baby group and have made a couple of friends, but their families are on hand to look after their babies and I don't feel that I can ask them to babysiwhen their mums/mils are on hand and the don't need the favour returning. Perhaps I'l ask anyway. I keep an online journal but it's one of the things that's neglected atm. dd's my first.

wwb - she won't take ebm from anyone! Also I've told dh many times that I need a break, but no joy as we get so little time when we're both awake and at home at the same time that he likes to spend this time together. I keep hoping that he'll offer to look after her for an hour so I can go out on my own, but he's terrified that she'll need me while I'm out ang there's nothing he could do. I left them alone one night for long enough to collect a takeaway, she screamed the whole time I was gone and dh dumped her back on me before I even got back inside the house. He's happy to help around the house but isn't interested in looking after her alone.

bp - she has the odd 20 minute nap but no longer unless I take her out. I can't leave her crying as dh gets no sleep at all then.

jb - will try the walks but am struggling to get out of the house atm

The first thing you need to do is to put yourself higher up in the pecking order. I know it's easier said than done; I always put myself at the bottom too, and it did me no good in the long run. Don't ask your dh for time to yourself - tell him that you are going to go out for an hour on Saturday (for example), and go. It won't hurt him to look after his daughter for a while - it's only by doing it that he's going to learn how to give your daughter what she needs. It's what you've had to do, when all said and done.

And if you can't leave your dd crying because it wakes dh up, then buy him some earplugs.

Oh bless you sound well in the doldrums.

How about make an appointment or plan to go to a baby group - you can breast feed there too.

The only thing to do on these occasions when getting dressed seems such a challenge (could be the slippery slope to depression) is to make yourself get up, showered, dressed and put on some make-up (yes make-up!!!!!). When hubby comes in from work in the morning - get up, make you both a light meal and eat it together, then get him to baby amuse while you shower and dress yourself. Give him a kiss - and go out so he can get off to sleep.

I think 1 - 2 hours feeding at a time is excessive. Speak to doc or HV to check no medical reason baby feeds so long. I would stop after about half an hour let baby like it or lump it - try to get him interested in something else straight away (Next tip - get a cuckoo clock - one little cuckoo and they forget what they were crying about!). Most of milk comes out at beginning anyway so he is only getting dregs after that innit.

God I'm such a lecturer, but the only thing needed is ACTION to stop the rot.

Also get one of those swinging baby chairs - I have one you can borrow if you live anywhere near London (need it back in case am 'blessed' again).

They fully stop babies crying and get them off to sleep with minimal in put (mine is wind-up) great if you are trying to prepare a meal (rarely happens in my case - I'm far too idle) but I'm good at advising other people on what should be done.

Flum is right about the swinging baby chairs - ours was a godsend, and would send dd to sleep very quickly. I even managed to bring her into the bathroom with me in it, and she slept while I bathed.

I don't know if you've seen \link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=1364&threadid=47043&stamp=041206172618\this thread}, but there's lots of good tips here for encouraging a baby to take EBM.

oh dear sounds like you are having a rotten time atm. don't know much about bfing and how feasible it is to stop your dd feeding for so long. do you have tv/dvd/computer/cordless phone on to stop you going insane with boredom during the megalong feeds? agree with WWB that you can't wait for him to offer to give you some time out - you have to make him do it. he's never going to build up confidence dealing with DD until he has been left to do it. are you anywhere near a SureStart area as they often have classes with a free creche that might help give you a break? do you have a decent HV that you could chat to about this?

and another big swing fan here.

sorry your're having such a hard time - brings back memories for me. I eventually went to a post natal group at health centre (hv's suggestion)& met some mums & now have some very good friends from those times (one mum lived in my street!). Suggest you ask HV about all groups in your area & go along - it gets you out of the house & there are always loads of people in the same boat if you can get to meet them. Invite people back for coffee - everyone always seems shy to make first move.

I agree about bf - they enjoy suckling, so will go as long as you let them. I fed mine for about 1 year each (have 3 DD), but after about 7 months only 1st thing & at end of day. solids reduced the feeding alot. Drank water out of a "soft spout" cup - never used a bottle.
A good friend told me that each stage only lasts a short time, so enjoy the good & know the bad will be shortlived - i have found this very true.
Would recommend "solve your child's sleep problem" - very informative & helped me get all mine to be good sleepers.
sorry this is so long!

so agree that DH needs to get used to earplugs. you and dd could probably both benefit from naps that last longer than 20 mins. you can't always be going out for long walks if you need DD to get a proper sleep. and YOU need that time for napping, MN, making phone calls, watching mindless telly, having lunch, or best of all doing nothing at all.

from what i remember about this stage, it's as if if making progress to getting your life back ie cutting down on long feeds, asking for help even from people you don't know very well, proving to everyone concerned that actually the baby's father needs to be /can be competant too feels like a series of failures. i really did believe that only i could look after DD as she needed to be looked after. it's biological tyranny. mum fun!

xxx

My son used to have those mammoth breastfeeding sessions too but I read it in babywhisperer book that they can get all they need from 45 mins per side. So if I needed to do something thats when I would stop it. It really does make a difference getting out if only so people tell you how cute your baby is and you remember why you are doing it. How mobile is your baby? If not at all you could go to cafe etc that seem bf friendly and nurse a coffee for a couple of hours and read a book.

What about mother and baby swimming and local pools creches are often not too expensive and for a special treat? I know whats it is like never having a day off as I have no friends or family that have ever offered to babysit in the day in 18 months! But luckily my partner is very good. Its only when they look afer them thmesleves that they often realise what a hard job it can be

also i would second cutting back feeds in a big way. whip off breast after 20 mins and get her busy with something else. well done for keeping it going, though. and also well done on cracking the nights.

Thanks so much for all your messages. What I love about Mumsnet is that when you feel that you're on your own, you can pour your heart out and you discover that you're not the only one in that situation, and that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I am going to try to be more positive, I have suffered from depression in the past and if I don't pick myself up now then I'll end up in a mess again. I have taken all your comments on board and I'm going to start by making sure I'm up and dressed before dd wakes up in the morning. That way I can go for a walk or out visiting when I need to. I have already made friends at mother & baby groups and through a website for Mums in Lincolnshire (I live in Boston, South Lincs) run by fellow mner Linniewith2. I just need to remember that they are there when I need them. I'm also going to try and eat better, i've been eating a lot of rubbish recently as I've had no motivation to cook, which I'm sure isn't helping.

I think that the biggest thing is to encourage dh to have confidence in looking after dd on his own. When I am around he's a wonderful daddy who loves to play with his daughter, bath her, cuddle her etc. He just gets nervous if left by himself. The only cure for this is to leave them to it.

I'm going back to work in January, the thought of it has been playing on my mind but I must try to enjoy the last few weeks of my ML instead of spoiling it by getting in a state.

Thank you all so much for your messages of support and offers of meet ups. It means more than I can say that there are so many good people out there willing to reach out a friendly hand.

Have you tried a babysling. I used a babybjorn & my littleones were happy to be out & about - perhaps dh could try this. The close contact could sooth your dd. I'd go with everyones suggestion to get ready with dh looking after little one in the morning - best wishes xxx

TangerineCath - I know that you probably don't feel like it but I find my days do go a lot better when I get up, showered and dressed first thing.

I understand that it can be hard if your DH is lacking in confidence. But at the very least you could send him out for a walk with DD while you have an hour or two to yourself at the weekend. I've found with my DH that he needs a little pushing and it sounds like yours is the same. I'm leaving DH to put DS (3.10 yo) and DD (6 months) to bed on his own on Thursday. This is more of a big deal because it will be the first time she has gone to bed without a breastfeed. But its got to be done. And I think you have to work on yours too.

I understand how you feel about the babysitting thing because I'm in a similar position with my friends. But most people honestly don't mind that they don't need you to return the favour. I know I wouldn't.

Hi TangerineCath, just thought I would see how you are today. I live in Norwich which although close it is a bit far for a meet up unfortunately.
Take Care
Love Fimbo xx

tangerinecath - only just seen this thread and wanted to send my love. Have you got my telephone number (if not, email me and we'll do an exchange) - I know it's not the same as going out and talking to real live human beings, but am happy for you to phone any time you want someone to talk to.

xxx

I'm feeling sooooo much better today - managed to get up earlier than dd and have a shower/get dressed/eat breakfast before I had to deal with her and that makes my whole day so much easier. I'm trying to get dh to take more of an active role in the mornings, definitely time to put my foot down on this.

I've been trying to do everything at home as I felt that seeing as he works and I'm on ML atm then he shouldn't be doing housework etc when he gets home in the mornings. He'll have to pitch in more when I go back to work so I guess he might as well get used to it now .

Funny how things never seem so bad after you've had a decent night's sleep!