struggling to cope and no help available (sorry, long)

[tangerinecath]

I don't post very often but I'm a regular lurker, I've seen some very good advice here and I'm hoping that someone can give me some support and help.

My dd (5 months) is being very hard work at the moment and I'm struggling to cope. All my family and dh's family live at least 100 miles away and everyone I know works full time, so I don't feel that there's anyone around to help or to give me a break from her. She sleeps through the night but doesn't sleep much during the day, and demands constant attention. Dh works nights so is asleep most of the day, even on his days off he has to sleep some of the day so as to not mess up his bodyclock completely. To be fair to him when we're both awake and at home he does what he can to help but because of the hours he works we don't get much family time.

She is bf and refuses to drink from anything other than me, we've tried different teats and cups with spouts etc, all to no avail. She has 4 feeds a day but these can last anything from 1 to 2 hours and are very draining (in more than one sense!). She has small amounts of baby rice or pureed fruit/veg three times a day.

I feel that there's nothing left of me, I very rarely do anything for myself, even things that I could find time for a month or two ago. I am still in my pj's now (4.20pm) as I haven't found the time for a shower today. I wake up most mornings feeling like I haven't slept at all.

I really need a break, it's all getting on top of me, I was sobbing so hard this morning that I actually woke dh up , he's trying to be supportive but can't think of what to say and he gets upset himself too.

Any advice would be very much appreciated.

tia

Georgina - thanks honey - will email you

Sounds like you've got enough on your plate atm though

So glad to hear you feel a bit better. Life v. up and down isn't it.

My dp abit like yours v. good when I am hear but not too keen to be left on own. They do get a bit lazy when you do everything and try to be super mum. And we do all try that, so they just think you can obviously cope.

Why don't you make an appt in morning to get your hair done on a day when you know he can look after babby. Then just go! You will have to as you have appt.

I was like you in trying to do all the housework etc when on ML, but being a NEW mum you are tired and learning new skills so it is hard.

Another thing - when you go back to work, if you can afford it get a cleaner a couple of hours a week, it really makes a difference to come home to a clean house - it really boosts me and only costs £20 per week, she does bit of ironing too. It means you don't feel like you are doing it ALL on your own.

Tangerinecath I am sending some support out to you big time!

My little ds is just coming up for five weeks old and I have to say I am finding it really, really hard work - am writing this after a horrendous night with hardly any sleep (please excuse the typing), ds grizzling for ages.

BF feels like a constant struggle and really hard work - he will only latch on when I use nipple shields and it can take him ages. He will often go off and on during a feed and is feeding every three hours. Although it makes me feel like the worst mum in the world DP (who is great really supportive if not always the most helpful )is giving him a formula feed in the night which helps me get some rest although last one was really unsettled. At the moment we just seem to be bickering constantly and I just feel awful. Seem to be constantly sniping at him or in tears crying about how I can't cope and am a terrible mum. He is also really tired as has just gone back to work.

Just realised I have blethered on about my own problems! Sorry. I would say, if you can get out even if just for half an hour you will probably feel more human again. I took DS out on his own for a hospital appointment - on my own, two bus journey each way - and it was fine! Felt much better afterwards. And I have to say I was absoultely dreading it, but it was fine. He slept all the way through.

We too are on our own without family nearby so I totally understand where you are coming from (nearest family about 100 miles away). Am also lucky enough to have a great friend who is babysitting this Saturday so we can go out for a meal. If you have any friends who will babysit rely on them shamelessly for favours and don't be afraid to ask!!!

Anyway, just wanted to send out some sympathy and support. Realise that my practical advice isn't up to much but sending thoughts your way FWIW.

Janos & FBS – thanks for your messages.

Well after a better day on Tuesday, Wednesday and yesterday were just awful, I felt so tired and drained and I turned into the wife and mother from hell, screaming, shouting, blaming dh for everything when it's not his fault (well, most of it isn't anyway ), shouting at dd to JUST. SHUT. UP. when she cried , and not wanting to go out and meet friends. I won't claim to be the perfect wife and mother, but I'm not usually such a nightmare.

So yesterday I went to see my HV, who passed me on to my GP, who’s prescribed me AD's (I've a bit of a history of depression so he seemed to think this was the thing to do, even though I'm against it). Problem is though, I can’t take them while bf, and dd STILL won’t take a bottle despite trying all kinds of different strategies, bottles, cups and teats.

Funny thing is, I’m actually feeling quite perky this afternoon, I’m finding it almost amusing – the whole situation just appeals to my warped sense of humour. Can’t cope because I never get a break as dd is a demanding feeder who won’t sleep much during the day or drink from a bottle, doctor says that I won’t feel any better until I take ad’s, can’t take ad’s as dd won’t drink from a bottle…….

I’m almost tempted to ignore my gp and just to concentrate on sorting myself out in other ways. Problem is, my gp says that given that I’ve been treated for depression in the past, I probably won’t start to feel better until I take them and they’ve had a chance to work. Is there anyone who’s been in a similar situation? What did you do?

Oh tangerinecath :( What a horrible situation - as you say it's a vicious circle really - if you could get your dd to take a bottle then you could get some me time and feel better without the ADs... the GP hasn't been that helpful really hugs.

Hmm... actually had an idea - do you have a CD player and a set of headphones? Going to post you something that was tremendously helpful to me... (still is from time to time come to that).

Hi there. sorry your GP wasn't very helpful. am that it was just a case of take the ADs or lump it. So did he make no attempt to suggest counselling as an alternative/in conjunction with ADs?

If you would consider taking ADs I would get a second opinion about their safety when bfing as some are considered safe for bfing - e.g. I was told by the consultant gyn and the psychiatrist that Prozac was fine when bfing.

Have another chat to your HV and plug away at it - get her to try and find some suggestions to help you feel less down/overwhelmed, or arrange for you to see someone that can

Tangerinecath - had another idea - have you thought of contacting \link{http://www.home-start.org.uk/site/index.asp\HomeStart}? It's an organisation of trained volunteers who are usually parents themselves who come around and visit families at home. Your HV can refer you or you can contact them direct.

The other organisation that's similar is \link{http://www.mama.co.uk/\Meet A Mum} which was set up to act as a support for mums with PND but is also for anyone who is just feeling a bit lonely and isolated.

Either might be a starting point for getting a little bit of a break or at least some friendly local support.

Thinking of you :)

Hi there, just wanted to lend my support.I have a dd who was born on 20th july and she too is very demanding.I have 3 others so I have my work cut out and Imcurrently recovering from pnd.my dd is v demanding too.She sleeps really well at night but during the day she wants me too either entertain her or carry her round.I am not breastfeeding her because I had to stop after a cblood clot scare when she was 7 weeks, they put me on blood thinners and it broke my heart.but with my others I used to feel like a cow!! they just hung off me all the time! Im furious with your gp for just dolling out ads, what you need is support not chemical aids, you dont want to have to stop bf.As far as the problem with dd is concerned, have you tried getting your dh to give her milk out of a bottle or cup with you out of the way?I say ths because babies can smell your milk and if she knows you are around she will refuse a bottle.

Tangerinecath, are there any PND support groups in your area? If you are in Edinburgh I know of one but if not maybe ask your HV?

I am not surprised you are so exhausted if your DH is not helping you look after dd. On Thursday DP took ds to the supermarket for a couple of hours while I had a break which was just such a big help. Have you tried talking to him to explain how you feel?

Also this may hlp you feel better...on Wednesday I did something awful. DS would not shut up and was in the cot next to me crying and crying. I just let out this horrenous banshee like howl, DP came running in to see what was wrong (he later said I sounded like a cappucino machine ), poor little DS I felt awful. I then start screaming incoherently at him (DP, not DS!)and told him to F* Off. The reason why all this happened was because the HV had been round earlier in the day and thought I might be suffering from PND...

Anyway must go, DS has just woken up. Good luck, you are not alone!

TangCath - I was in exactly the same situation as you. My ds did not have any longer than 30m naps during the day, but he woke at least twice in the night too. I was drained, and also breast-feeding, so physically knackered too. It all got better for me at about 8 months. Ds was getting enough food with solids to cut one feed a day down, and he started going through the night. As he started rolling, he got more tired, and started having two long naps a day, of at least 1.5 hours. That was the stage when I started getting more sleep, and feeling more human.

I know it seems a horrendous time right now for you, and I have total sympathy for you. It will get better, just keep hanging onto that thought!