Struggling, OCD, anxiety.

[Ilovedogs1]

Hi
Just as it says. I'm struggling again. OCD intrusive thoughts,doubts, anxiety.
Exhausted with being in this loop every 3 months or so.
Feeling very low. I don't know what to do

I know with intrusive thoughts they say you need to learn to live with uncertainty but how when your intrusive thoughts are against your morals

Have a look at this video on intrusive thoughts - it will help you better understand/manage them;

@Eyesopenwideawake thankyou.
The problem I'm stuck in atm is that i want to know for for certain that my intrusive doubts arent real. But I can't have that certainty right. So then I just can't see how I can carry on not knowing if I'm bad or not.
I am just drowning in anxiety. There's no help out there. All the CMHT do is give me diazepam till my next appointment which is 2 weeks away

Surely non anxious people cant remember everything they've ever done or not done.
They don't even wake up after a big alcoholic night out and worry about the bits they cant remember.
I cant see my way out I really cant

It's horrible op, I'm sorry. I ended up in hospital in September after my ocd came to crisis point, I wasn't going to act on thoughts but I was so scared of them that I was a danger to myself. I learnt with intensive therapy and medication the difference between thought/intent. It's been years of hell though and really I'm still learning. I still can't cross bridges or go places with high balconies because of my intrusive thoughts.

I wish OCD was better understood, including by those who had it. I even had it as a child, called it Scary Imaginary Friend.

Have you traced back where it comes from and what triggers it?

Would it help to explain what your thoughts are to us?

That way we could agree/disagree and help you to calm and be more confident the thoughts aren’t real.

Helped me in the past

This particular episode and the last couple have all been centred around 'what if' I cheated on my husband.

I love my husband with all my heart.

The scenarios change. This started because we had workmen in a few weeks ago. It started with 'what if' I cheated with them, then changed to 'what if' I cheated with my sisters partner last year. Then to 'what if' I've ever cheated with men at work. Then 'what if' I've ever tried it on with my BIL or FIL who has been dead over 4 years. The details change and change. I used to be really bad with driving, worrying about running people over.
The thing is my husband says the very fact they start with what if shows it's the OCD.
That if these things were real there would be no 'what if' I would just know.
I see his logic but logic doesn't work with anxiety. I'm just ripping at the seems with anxiety . I can't eat, sleep I can't see me ever having peace of mind.
Lots has been happening lately. My son left home 4 months ago, were having an extension, my work has been taken over by a big corporate. I see where the anxiety is coming from but why these thoughts.
People say thoughts cant hurt you but I then worry what if they're not thoughts but some sort if repressed memory. I suppose that's the OCD

I'm so sorry OP, it sounds like hell. I have terrible anxiety but the OCD and intrusive thoughts around beyond awful. Thinking of you. This too shall pass.

I've had 2 diazepam and absolutely no effect. I keep wondering how many would just stop it.
I'm having suicidal thoughts quite a bit atm. I wouldn't do it because of what it would do to my kids but I just need to shut this off

Okay. First of all my lovely I totally understand.

My anxiety got so bad I was terrified of walking the dog, so trust me I do get it.

You mentioned you used to be bad when driving, worried you were going to knock someone over - but you aren’t now… why? Remember the intense feelings about it, totally terrifying right? But no way as bad now.

fast forward to now. Don’t try to understand why you are having these thoughts right now, just try and deal with them.

just like you were so worried driving before, you are now about cheating. Just think of the torment you felt before when it was really bad driving, nothing happened, you were fine, you didn’t hurt anyone. Think about that. Recognise that it didn’t happen and you are a good driver.

think about now. You love your husband very very much. You know the reason you are having these thoughts is because ultimately it would end your relationship. You are not going to do that are you. Not even a little bit. You know it your husband knows it - but because of shitty anxiety it doesn’t stop and you don’t accept it to be the case like others would.

Try this. Obviously your dp knows and tries to understand your anxiety. Just tell him to cuddle you really tight (not too tight though lol), for at least 10 minutes. After get him to run your feet/back whatever relaxes you more. Distract yourself doing anything if you feel panicking, wipe kitchen down, read, something physical is best really. Then repeat.

Sounds a total waste of time I know, promise I am not a weird hippy! Saw it on something when I was really struggling and dp thought it was worth a go, it definitely did help.

remember, this will pass - shit while it is happening, honestly I really understand xx

Understood. The first thing to do is to take the thoughts out of your head by writing them down - it immediately reduces their power.
If the thought is too ridiculous to commit to paper, then you have your answer. If you are able to write it down then you can "put it on trial".

1. Write down the factual evidence that supports the thought and the factual evidence that disproves the thought.
2. Write down any other way of thinking that would be more realistic or helpful.
3. Finally write down what you would say to a friend who expressed this thought to you.

Yes, it will take a little time to do this but it's far better than spending your time ruminating and allowing your thoughts to spiral into a dark place.

Just got up. I'm so anxious. Heart beating fast, I'm hot feel sick. Dont know how to cope

I suffered terrible from ocd. Debilitating. Because of long waits for help, I went it alone. Believe it or not, I would say I’m fully cured, which I never thought would be possible. I never have anxiety or ocd thoughts. And all I did, as hard as it was, was every time I got an intrusive thought, instead of trying to push it away, I let it hang around in my thoughts, let myself imagine the worst possible scenario and tell myself that yes, that could happen, in fact it probabaly would happen. Initially this was obviously very tough, but over time my brain learned that o wasn’t afraid of these thoughts.

@Fullrecoveryispossible thank you.

That's like ERP isnt it. I get the idea I really do but atm my anxiety is so high I pretty much struggling to breathe.
Can I ask what your thoughts were

Another terrible day. Not sure how much longer I can do this

@Fullrecoveryispossible how did you get past the doubt. That's what I find hard.
I get not trying to push the thoughts away because that just makes you think them more but does the doubt about the thought wear off. At the moment I get stuck with hiw can I move on with that sort of doubt

No the doubt doesn’t wear off exactly. I think success is when you stop attaching significance to the doubt.

So for example, I’m not sure what I had for dinner the day before yesterday - but the fact that it may have been pizza, or that could have been the pasta day, and I can’t really be sure how to figure out which or prove one way or the other, doesn’t hold a lot of significance. I don’t feel the need to retrace over it all until I can be sure or find a way to know. I simply drop it for something more interesting. And I don’t go into my brain searching for other days where I might not be sure what I had. I just shrug it off.

I know that seems unachievable for the type of thought you are having, but it happens. You come to view the thought as “just an intrusive thought” rather than “a critical test of whether I am a good or bad person” or whatever other significance it holds at the moment.

Hi.
I had a slightly better day yesterday. No tears and only took diazepam once.
Feeling not so good today. I'm trying so hard to not engage with the intrusive thoughts but then I feel guilty that I might be being a bad person by not making sure.
I haven't done anything round the house and that also makes me feel shit. I'm exhausted. Feels like this will never end

Hopeful bump

It can be horrible. My period is due any day so my ocd is telling me all the awful things and I feel like drowning myself in the sea (I won't.)

My intrusive thoughts are about hurting my baby and the fact I'm currently giving up bfing makes it worse xx

Just want to say sorry it's so shitty, but ended up posting all about myself.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, it must be so hard. I really sympathise. I've found this book helpful in the past (when I was waiting for an appointment), I don't know if you've tried it and apologies if anyone else has recommended it above: www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Unwanted-Intrusive-Thoughts-Frightening/dp/1626254346/ref=monarch_sidesheet

Thank you for your responses. I know your supposed to tolerate doubt/uncertainty but it's just so painful.
I've just took a diazepam because anxiety through the roof.
How can I just trot along happily being uncertain about things that are important to me?

Sorry you're having a bad time OP. It's terrible.

I would suggest 2 things you can try.

One is to keep labelling your thoughts as part of your illness: "That is one of my OCD intrusive thoughts" "That's OCD attacking the things that are most important to me - typical!" "That's the magical thinking from my OCD" "That's my OCD thought-action fusion" "There I am struggling with the uncertainty and engaging with my mental compulsions to try and alleviate it". As you keep labelling things, back there in your subconscious they can start to lose their power and their grip on you. I'm not sure if you know the terms I've used but it's important to learn them because it gives you the ability to label the parts of the illness.

Secondly, instead of focusing on any attempts to change your thoughts, focus your efforts on a bit of behavioural change. So, for example, suppose you catch yourself avoiding your DH due to a feeling of shame over what you might have done, you won't able to change the feeling or the thoughts, but you might be able to change the behaviour and get yourself to not avoid him. Similar to the above, this can start to work on a bit of a subconscious level, as it starts to make the intrusive worries a bit less real because they are not getting reinforcement from your behaviours. Pick you battles here and build up.

I hope this can help a little bit. It's far from easy.

@FloorWipes thank you. I'm trying so hard to attach the thoughts to the OCD but it's like the doubt in the background saying 'what if it isnt' blah blah. I'm just in a total spiral of panic