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Mental health

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Original poster

empty nest

38 replies

boholife · 08/02/2023 08:07

Hello
Nearly 5 months after my youngest left home (and moved countries) to go to uni I still feel bereft and overwhelmingly sad. Had her later in life so also last year I turned 60 and dealing with all that brings - feeling old, ugly, washed up and useless. Yes I know I could volunteer more (I do a bit) or join a club, whatever but everything leads back to this feeling of a pointless, quiet house and that one minute it was a family house full of life and we were all too busy to even take a breath to this empty washed-upness and depression. She´s doing well, they both are, and have no idea I feel like this. We talk and text a lot and I know I should be grateful that all seems to be going well. My job is part-time and I don´t meet many people, finances are a constant worry and I thought the other day well, you´re nearly dead so put up with it for now, as long as they´re ok you´ve done your job. My lifelong hidden social anxiety is getting worse, I´m retreating more and more into my shell. I don´t want to give up yet. Anyone had this? How did you turn it around?

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KangarooKenny · 08/02/2023 08:10

I know how you feel !
But we’re told on here how we’ve done a great job in raising independent adults, we should be proud. But I’m not, I miss them !!!!
When you find the answer, please let me know 💐

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 08/02/2023 08:13

You need to find something to occupy you when not working, what do you enjoy op? Any hobbies?
I find being busy really helps take your mind off things.

Original poster

boholife · 08/02/2023 08:39

I think I (we?) know the answer - deal with it. Like all the other major things in life. But this one is unexpectedly painful and taking time.

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Original poster

boholife · 08/02/2023 08:41

Yes, that´s true.

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123rd · 08/02/2023 08:41

What about a p/t evening job- a few hours in a pub? You would have to meet new people, occupy a few hours and help the money worries

rockpoolingtogether · 08/02/2023 08:43

Are you single? Mine are still young but even now I dread this. I've told one of mine they always have a home with me but of course they will probably want to move on

Original poster

boholife · 08/02/2023 08:51

No chance of evening work without travelling but good idea, thanks.

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Original poster

boholife · 08/02/2023 08:54

no, but his life hasn´t changed much. He sees things differently and I guess wasn´t as involved in their lives as I was and am.

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RainyDaysareCarp · 08/02/2023 09:01

This is the time of life that many couples dread - do we still have a connection after all these years of being absorbed by children? Does your H still work? I think that with all stages of life you have to actively plan for what you would like to happen. Have you discussed this at all with your H? Would he be open to making some changes as to things eg a weekend or day trip away? What do you both do when at home?

blobby10 · 08/02/2023 09:02

@boholife I'm in a similar situation -- 54, divorced, single, 3 young adults living away but needing somewhere to call home. Petless after aged cat was put to sleep last week. Fat and ugly - no desire to meet anyone since boyfriend of 5 years died suddenly last year. Work is very stressful and I can't cope but leaving not an option. Financially struggling after taking a 20% pay cut last year to help keep business afloat. There is literally nothing to look forward to right now.
After work I can't face going outside once I'm home but now there isn't anyone, man nor beast who gives a damn if I'm home or not! Its liberating but very sad at the same time. Hopefully this is just the winter blues and I will perk up soon.

Eyesopenwideawake · 08/02/2023 09:02

Would dealing with your social anxiety help you?

Lottsbiffandsmudge · 08/02/2023 09:08

So sorry OP. I have one that left this year , another will go Sept and my last 2 years later.
Even tho I still have 2 at home it was so hard to adjust to my eldest being away. I am not looking forward to the time they have all gone..
I think it is a kind of bereavement. And so you need to be kind to yourself. 5 months is not that long to adjust. Winter is long and hard esp this year with the cost of living crisis.
Hold on for warmer, sunnier days. Maybe plan something for all 4 of you to do together so you have something to aim at?
Sometimes when we feel shit we just have to hold on until the scenery changes. So to speak.

Original poster

boholife · 08/02/2023 09:09

I get you but you can actively plan all you like but if UK gov and the shysters in it decide to pull the rug from under you and your plans, then forget it. Yes he works and will be doing so for the forseeable, as will I.

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RainyDaysareCarp · 08/02/2023 09:11

I can see you have taken that comment in a negative way - not sure what you thought I meant...what I did mean was just say "let's do this on Saturday" or whatever eg a walk or a cup of coffee somewhere different.

Original poster

boholife · 08/02/2023 09:12

blobby10, I hope so too. You have it tough and I wish you all the best. Roll on Spring.

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WinterFoxes · 08/02/2023 09:13

Thank you for posting this. Total sympathy. I feel exactly the same, @boholife.

It scares me how bereft I feel and how utterly pointless everything is. I really don't want to be one of those women for whom raising a child was their sole existence but if I am honest - nothing else has ever come close in terms of giving me a purpose and satisfaction in life.

I had to do a 2-hour zoom yesterday with a new client and I just despaired at how old and jowly and wrung out I looked, even with heavy make up on. I was giving a presentation to a group and the slient left the zoom on herself the whole two hours - presumably because me, close up, would have been too off putting! I just feel so old when actually I'm late fifties.

I have just applied for some counselling about the empty nest desolation.
My guess is - it takes time. We had that weird intense closeness during lockdown so the usual gradual separation didn't occur. We need to gradually explore what we want and find passions and drive and purpose in life beyond raising our children. They won't necessarily come immediately.

Original poster

boholife · 08/02/2023 09:15

RainyDays (sorry, not quite up on replying format), sorry, I didn´t, it just touched a raw nerve re finances. We´d planned on a family hol etc but with mortgage increasing 150%, those plans are on hold.

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WinterFoxes · 08/02/2023 09:16

blobby10 · 08/02/2023 09:02

Oh @blobby10 , that is not on. 20% pay cut when costs are soaring. Is there any way you can look for another job that pays what you used to earn, or more? Or can you insist on dropping to 4 days a week and use the fifth day to set up something from home that might bring in a bit of money?

Lovemusic33 · 08/02/2023 09:19

My daughter started uni last year too, the first month was awful (I cried a lot) but now I just have a few moments a week where I miss her. I do try and keep busy, exercise a lot and have taken on an allotment. It was her birthday this week so it’s felt a bit odd not being with her. Counting down the days until the end of the uni year when she comes home.

My dd is having a great time and I don’t think she’s missing me at all. We have made plans for the summer, gives me something to look forward too.

Original poster

boholife · 08/02/2023 09:28

@Lottsbiffandsmudge I think you´re right, it is a type of bereavement and it helps me to look at it like that - it´s a process that must be gone through rather than something that can be avoided.

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DillDanding · 08/02/2023 09:28

Our youngest is at uni and the eldest has moved out. It was hard at first, but give it time.

Once you’re used to it, you may find positives. You should find positives! They’re only on loan and imagine how worried you’d be if they weren’t independent adults and were living at home far too long.

I have to say, we are bloody loving our empty nest, even if the uni student is home more than he’s away. They both. Am home at the weekend. We has such a laugh with them but we’re very happy to wave them off on Sunday evening.

Original poster

boholife · 08/02/2023 09:37

@WinterFoxes I hear you. Family life came lateísh to me but although life before was exciting, it definitely tops everything. If I´m honest I´d admit that the expected easing up of money worries would leave some spare to fix my teeth and jowliness for the new chapter in life but that ain´t going to happen any time soon. Lockdown fallout definitely has played a part in this.

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Original poster

boholife · 08/02/2023 09:40

@Lovemusic33 I agree, exercise helps enormously. I must get back onto it. Lovely that you´ve already made Summer plans. I haven´t looked that far yet but will try to.

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KangarooKenny · 08/02/2023 09:41

One of mine was at Uni, spent a lot of time with her BF so we rarely saw her, then lockdown happened as she split up with him and we got her back again for a while. Now she’s moved on from Uni with another BF. So we lost her, got her back, and she s gone again ! It definitely is a sort of bereavement.
It will pass in time.

Original poster

boholife · 08/02/2023 09:45

@DillDanding You have the right attitude. We also laugh a lot with them and my crap texting is apparently a source of great amusement with youngest´s mates. Give me until Sept when they´ve maybe both been home for the Summer and maybe I´ll be cheerily waving them off too.

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