empty nest

[boholife]

Hello
Nearly 5 months after my youngest left home (and moved countries) to go to uni I still feel bereft and overwhelmingly sad. Had her later in life so also last year I turned 60 and dealing with all that brings - feeling old, ugly, washed up and useless. Yes I know I could volunteer more (I do a bit) or join a club, whatever but everything leads back to this feeling of a pointless, quiet house and that one minute it was a family house full of life and we were all too busy to even take a breath to this empty washed-upness and depression. She´s doing well, they both are, and have no idea I feel like this. We talk and text a lot and I know I should be grateful that all seems to be going well. My job is part-time and I don´t meet many people, finances are a constant worry and I thought the other day well, you´re nearly dead so put up with it for now, as long as they´re ok you´ve done your job. My lifelong hidden social anxiety is getting worse, I´m retreating more and more into my shell. I don´t want to give up yet. Anyone had this? How did you turn it around?

I'm with Dill - I am honestly loving this stage in my life. DS away at Uni in his final year and (hopefully) getting his first job this year. I am enormously proud that I have raised an independent, confident young man. The peace and quiet at home is wonderful . I have a part time job I love, lots of hobbies (groups where I meet people and we have shared interests), volunteering so I feel I am contributing to society, an elderly parent to help ... yes I am old, fat and grey haired - but so what?!

All my children have gone and my OH has died. So - this is me on my own.

I stay busy: chair of school governors, painting, running a choir, singing in a choral society, going to endless wonderful concerts, walking, charity fund raising ... and on it goes. Not only does all this give me fulfilment, but it sends a clear message to my children that they need not feel responsible for my happiness. Having said that they are the kindest of people and I see a lot of them.

When our children leave home, we find ourselves in a different sort of relationship with them: different but not necessarily less satisfying. And we just have to grab life by the balls and keep interested in life.

Mischance makes a really good point, surely it's not good to rely on your DC (or anyone for that matter) for your own happiness. I would hate my DS to feel obliged to keep coming to see me or 'must' visit at Christmas etc. you see so many threads on here about overbearing DPs or ILs and I am determined not to be 'one of those parents'. We have an only child - a son - so I am even more conscious about not being a needy MIL .

@WinterFoxes unfortunately I'm running the company so can't leave or 19 other people will be out of a job too. Hopefully things will pick up soon (still suffering the fall out of Brexit and Covid in our industry) and i can get my pay up again! I'm still well paid compared to many but definitely feeling the punch now.

What about doing something that gives you a hefty daily dopamine hit? I’ve got an ice tub in the garden (friends call it my anti-hot tub 😂). I use it daily and go to a CrossFit gym. It’s lifted my mood no end and I sleep so much better too. I went even though I’m overweight and middle aged. The gym couldn’t be more friendly and they adapt the exercises for me. I’m getting more flexible and stronger. The aches and pains that had started have stopped. Even if you don’t fancy what I enjoy then consider something else that gives you a dopamine hit. A friend’s Mum took up babysitting when my friend left home.

It’s a massive transition op, your feelings of loss are entirely understandable and valid. You have lost the life you had, your busy home, buzzy children and all the noise, fun that fills a family home. You are questioning who you are without the role of cater, mother.

You look at your empty home and bank balance and it’s not surprising you feel sad.

An important part of your life is over, and you are wondering what the next stage will bring.

I totally agree. I try hard not to call them too often or get too over excited when they come home. They are not responsible for our happiness.

What an inspiring message. I've screen shotted this x

So glad you started this thread.
My youngest left home last summer and although I had an absorbing career doing 55 hr weeks I still felt the loss.
We were close as dh didn't get too involved with him I asked all the questions about his day and he mine on the rare occasion I saw him as I got home late.
My pets died too and I changed jobs where my colleagues ostracized me!.
So I miss ds and my second family of lovely funny work colleagues.
On a positive note spring is here,gardening,walks I exercise with weights for dopamine and wear colourful clothes.
I do feel lonely I must admit but I'm pleased my dcs are both thriving independent adults who are well liked and responsible.I think keeping active is key so I may go back to my long hours as I felt fulfilled and enjoyed the money.😀
Babysitting is a good idea as it gets you out of the house and somewhere to be.
I think the interaction with younger people is great for our MH and keeps us feeling younger.

Coppermaran antihot tub 🤣

My dsis saw the last of hers off to university and retired almost immediately, and moved area. She was very aware of losing her social circle, her job and being without her dcs all at the same time, so she made a conscious plan.

Once in her new village, she volunteered to help with reading practice at the local primary school. Not socially taxing but helped her to meet a few other mums and local staff. And she does one afternoon a week in the village shop, which does the same.

She and her dh started cycling together on Saturday mornings, which gave them some exercise, some time together and exploring the new area.

I think you and DH need a plan. He knows how you feel. Ask for his help.

One of my DC is at uni and the other is going soon. I don’t feel the way you do maybe that will change when they both go? However I don’t think so. I have always had other interests and plans away from the kids, also as teenagers the DC have their own friends and activities which kind of prepares us for the inevitable. Try and see this as a new phase of life and not mourn for the old life.

This stage is so much harder than I realised. I thought raising twins was hard, but letting them go is way harder!!