Don’t want to be here

[Njof]

Hi. I don’t want to be here any more. I’m stuck in this life, in this situation without an out.

my relationship is on the rocks, I don’t want it. I’m financially dependent on him. I’ve got no where else to go at all. I gave up my property back at the very beginning on the first lockdown due to being pregnant ( we were happy in our relationship but also I had no plans on moving to his full time) but it made sense due to lock down. It’s nothing he’s done really and he’s not abusive or controlling.

I have 3 children 2 from previous partner.. one who sadly passed away during my pregnancy 11 years ago and a 8 year old girl.
( as well as a 2yo DD with my current partner)

my children are the only reason I’m still alive. I don’t want to be alive but I can’t die because I can’t stand the thought of hurting them/ them hurting. For this reason I regret having my girls. I truly believe and wish I should have died after the loss of my son (after my hemorrhage)

I don’t know what I’m expecting from writing this. I don’t expect a response.
im stuck and feeling incredibly helpless and just needed to say this

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health Mental Health resources. You can also go to the www.samaritans.org/ Samaritans or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

oh I am so sorry to hear how low you feel. Losing your son must have been devastating and it sounds like it might help to get some counselling to try and work through that a bit.
I have no huge words of wisdom otherr than to say that life is ever changing and though you dont believe it now you wont always feel like this.
please get some help. Talk to the GP. Your lovely girls need you and you deserve to be happy.
Sending love and hope people will be along to offer more support . x

OP I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I feel similarly to you, I have much older children (boys) and can honestly say that without them I would have ended my life long ago. One has left home now but I know would devastate him if I ended my life. He still needs to know that I am here and that I didn't give up on him. Your girls need you too. Horrible as this life feels, this is is our duty and reason to live- our children need us here. Your partner would also be devastated to lose you I am sure. I send you all the support in the world and remember you are not alone in the despair you are feeling. Lots of us walk around with gaping holes in our hearts. Sometimes I wish I could see the people who feel like me, just so that I wouldn't feel like such a freak. Perhaps you know that feeling a bit. Xx

I’ve been through some extremely dark times too OP and while life is never perfect and my mind often plays evil tricks on me, there is help to be had. I know it’s a massive uphill battle getting help but like you said, you have your girls to consider. There is something or someone out there who can help you dig for that tiny light in the tunnel until you’re able to see it for yourself. Please do not give up. You can be that light for someone else one day, you can prove (even to yourself) that it’s possible to claw your way back.
Could you face some gentle exercise? It’s absolutely amazing what exercise does to your mental health - Those endorphins are a natural high that helps you with your day so much. Go out and get some fresh air, brisk walk until you can feel it in your lungs. Gradually increase the speed, join walking groups, local community church groups, whatever! Just find a way of getting yourself out there to occupy your mind at your worst times.

@Njof
thinking of you today and sending positive vibes x