I have no subject.

[Falalalalaaalalalala]

I have no idea why I’m posting this really.
I don’t want to be here.
Really. Truly. Desperately.
I just cannot kill myself because I have 2 teenagers that need me.
I am so certain that I am not enough for them though and that hurts so much as I love them with every atom of me. They are the reason I have stuck around.
I can’t sleep properly, I can’t eat properly. That’s a good thing as I’m a fat mess anyway. I’m thinking perhaps I take this route and eventually it will kill me. It will take a while but I could get there.
Please do not suggest I am depressed, I know I am. I am past depressed though, just done.
I have already seeked mental health support.
I have already called the Samaritans.
Nobody would know it from the outside. Or maybe they would, I don’t even know anymore.
It just is.

I am so certain that I am not enough for them

What if you are wrong about that?

Read back your post @Falalalalaaalalalala

I have 2 teenagers that need me

that, right there, is enough. You are wanted and needed. You know you’re depressed and I know that in a depressed state, your mind will be feeding you a load of negative nonsense about not being good enough. That’s the depression talking, and it doesn’t reflect reality.

I’m in no position to give advice but I hope you manage to find the help you need. Just remember that your kids care, as do random internet strangers. This is a phase (a shitty one) but it can pass with the right support.

I know. I get it. They need me and there is no one else that could care for them or love them the way I do. That’s why I’m here.
I’m just defeated and the older they are getting, the less they need me.
I haven’t even bothered to get out of bed today. I haven’t had a wee, I haven’t had a drink, nothing to eat, I’ve not even put the telly on in my room.
I will drag myself out of bed at some point to make dinner and make sure the place is clean and that my teens are ok but I know they are. I wouldn’t be in bed if they weren’t.
once I’ve done that I will get back in bed and attempt to sleep.

When did you start feeling like this? Was there a trigger or was it gradually? What medication and/or therapy are you having?

(Sorry for all the questions).

I know that you have said that your teens are OK, and am sure they are - to some extent. But you must on some level know that they are aware of, and will certainly be affected by how you are, how low you feel, and what you are "doing".
I just watched one of those Hoarders programmes, and it was the effects on the children that bothered ,e - and the animals. They honestly do have no real say in what the adult around them do.. Yes, the basics are being met - but there is so much more, and you know that, even if effects aren't apparent until somewhere down the line.
As trite as it seems, this is one of those times (and I have had them - I am not just theorising) that you should make you best effort to try and think SMALL, be (ugh) grateful for the smallest things, or abilities that you have. And, I do mean, that YOU have...... even as basic as having the actual use of your hands, or your eyes, or your mind..... Take one small step to help yourself feel better ----
---- and then another 💕

@Eyesopenwideawake its ok. You can ask. It’s been there forever but I’ve always worked at it, bigger things happen and it gets worse, sometimes I’m even pretty happy.
It’s been building for months. I am struggling to cope. Yesterday something happened and it was the final piece.
No medication, no therapy.
I have done therapy in the past, a few kinds and they did help. I have re-referred myself and there is a triage booked in for 2 1/2 weeks time.
I had referred myself with the buildup, yesterday not included. I feel defeated.
@LoveMyPiano I know. It’s not fair of me to be like this. I really know. I just can’t stop feeling this way. I have powered through so many years always being “fine” on the outside and seeming strong and capable but I am BURNT OUT. I cannot do it anymore. Nobody helps, nobody cares, it’s not a self pity thing, it’s the truth. I have friends but I cannot tell them all of this, I am happy and strong to all those around me.
I KNOW it’s not fair. I have gotten up and made sure they are ok, I felt so guilty after typing that. They are fine. They had a lay in and then they’ve been gaming and watching movies. I’ve done what they needed me for, cleaning up behind them, making snacks etc and washing up their dishes. I even asked them if maybe they wanted to watch a movie together but they don’t. I’m back in bed. What else do I do? I know I could try more but I just don’t have it in me anymore. I promise you I have tried, so hard, for so long.

@LoveMyPiano I also apologise if that comes across rudely at all towards you, that is not my intent, I appreciate you giving advice, it’s very kind of you. I just can’t explain just how much I don’t have anything left.

Have you never been on any meds? Or have you been through all of them and not found anything that helps? Meds might really help here.

Can you start doing some little things to try to get you feeling a little better? Eating and drinking properly are so important, eating healthily does take some effort but can make such a difference to how you feel, sleeping is really important but you're not going to sleep well if you've been in bed all day, you're just setting yourself up to fail which will only make you feel worse. Can you drag yourself out for a walk and some fresh air? While you're out for a walk can you think back to when you had therapy before and the things that helped you then that you could do now? I think you need to start doing some things for yourself as well if you don't already.

You don't think anyone notices but if you're not looking after yourself and just staying in bed all day then your kids are going to realise there is obviously something going on. It's fine to have the odd day where you just do this but for you and your kids sake don't let it become your normal. I really hope that you get help soon - could you phone and try to bring your appointment forward though? It sounds like you really need to speak to someone sooner than 2 1/2 weeks. I really hope you find soemthing to make you feel better.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health mental health resources. We know you say you've already tried to seek help in this way, but we thought we'd post those links just in case there's a new idea on there that might work for you. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.
Wishing you all the best.

No - it didn't at all..... I understand.
I didn't actually mean to lay any kind of guilt trip on you....
And anyway, teens' needs are minimal aren't they if they are into their gaming and son on? It's just that you being sad (regardless of being "unavailable" - which is your prerogative at the best of times....) will probably not go unnoticed, even subconsciously. And it may at some point affect them..... But thinking that way may feel even worse, so forget |I said anything about that.
I realise that you are fighting an inner battle with yourself, and I would never want to minimise it at all.
Having said that, I wish that you could find one small thing (for me, the piano----obviously) that would help you to feel differently (and which then may grow).

I am probably being far far too simplistic with my suggestion, but promise I am not unaware of what a serious matter this is for you.

@Choconut I was given a whole host of meds when I had one big mental health breakdown due to some events out of my control but other than that no. I’m quite anti medication. I’m not entirely sure why.
Anyway, I was diagnosed with asd last year so it’s probably just how I am. you can’t Medicate Asperger’s away. (That is how I’d describe myself, they just don’t diagnose Asperger’s separately anymore). That coupled with a childhood I still haven’t fully processed yet which pees me off as it was a long time ago now so it shouldn’t still bother me. I think despite the asd I have functioned pretty well over the years. I think I have just come to the realisation that I just can’t be enough. I can’t seem to be everything I need to be even though I wish I could. I am very alone in this world in terms of people who actually care and it’s hard. But then maybe people as a whole can function alone and it’s just me. I don’t know.
I do little things, lots of them. I try so hard. I go for walks, I make things, I push myself to socialise, I cook well, I read, I plan and do nice things it just all feels pointless anymore.
I can’t get the big things right and I should be able to.
I used to have disordered eating for a long time and became underweight but worked really hard at it and fixed it. Then I went the other way and now it’s slowly coming down again. This week I have lost 7lb. I do find it hard not to get sucked into that as a coping mechanism.
I have always struggled with sleep. I have really struggled lately, rarely getting to sleep before 3am and I need to be up by 7.30am most days.
I am going for a long walk with a friend tomorrow and I do try to do things that I was taught in therapy, it just all feels pointless again and like there is no point to any of it, like I am just going through the physical motions.
I know. I had always managed to hide my struggles when they were younger as they always needed me so much and I immersed myself in day to day with them but I am really struggling now that they are getting older and don’t need me so much. It’s like my purpose, my point, is over. And on top of it, I’m just failing now compared to how I used to manage.
I very rarely stay in bed. I know it’s unusual as they have both asked me today why I’ve been in bed all day so I’ve told them I have a terrible headache and feel sick so as not to worry them and they seem to believe that but really? I wish I could stay here forever, I wish I could just go to sleep tonight and then that would be it.
No, it’s a waiting list, and I would never ask to be prioritised over others.
Sorry if my reply is too long, there’s no obligation to reply at all. It’s just somewhere to get it all down. I haven’t used mumsnet for a long time but it feels like a safe space as nobody knows me.

@KimMumsnet Thanks for the link, I will have a look but it won’t be anything I’ve not read before in some form or another.
I also would hate people to feel obliged to reply if they don’t want to. I haven’t posted this for people to help or even for people to talk to me, it’s just an outlet in the real world so that someone, somewhere that really exists and isn’t just a notebook can hear my real voice, how I really feel inside.

@Falalalalaaalalalala I was suicidal 17-18. I had PTSD and depression. This is what worked for me:

1. Weekly therapy for an entire year. Yes, weekly. This was a mixture of sessions with the psychiatrist and psychologist.
2. Prozac combined with talking therapy.
3. Found new hobbies and forced myself to do something and also leave the house everyday. I became more depressed when I stayed inside all day.
4. Don’t forgo the shower, getting dressed etc as you’ll feel even worse.

@LoveMyPiano you didn’t lay any guilt trips on me, it’s the truth, it’s incredibly unfair. I wish I could just be normal but it’s so honestly not that easy.
I try to be the complete opposite of unavailable and I am always here for them physically and emotionally and always have been, it’s just been getting harder lately and I’m not sure if that’s down to them getting older and genuinely needing me less or me just becoming crapper!
You don’t need to feel bad for what you say, it’s a perspective and one I appreciate, it’s true. I don’t ever want to affect them negatively, that’s what’s kept me holding on in the hardest of times because I couldn’t bear the idea of what it might do to them if I took my life.
I’ve just reached the point where I feel like I’ve probably given everything that I could have and I’m just not enough anymore.
Inner demons. I could literally sum it up for you in a song. If you want to have a listen to “inner demons” by Julia Brennan. It’s very accurate.
I don’t know what that small thing is. I try so hard all of the time to find those small things, to try the self care, to change how I feel deep inside and like I said, sometimes I even go through periods of happiness. I’m so grateful to have experienced what I have done in my adult life majoritively, I’ve had a bloody fantastic life considering, it just always comes back. That dark monster that grabs hold of my heart and my mind and reminds me of everything I wish I could forget and I just feel like I’ve failed my youngest teen in particular.
Thank you for your kind words, but really, you don’t need to explain anything at all. I see that your words are kind and helpful.

@GelPens1 thank you, that is so helpful ♥️
I’m sorry you went through that, it’s tough, but I am so glad you are still here. How are you doing now? (You don’t have to answer) and how old are you now?
Did you have to pay for the therapy or were you able to secure that with the nhs? (If you’re in the uk).
What specifically does the Prozac treat? And how does it help? Do you think it truly made a difference to how your brain worked and if so, how?
I do push myself with hobbies and getting out, although lately I have become so immersed in just starting at my phone and watching YouTube videos when I’m not busy with my teens that realistically I’m not actually doing much for myself at all. I also try and walk regularly and I find that does help to some extent.
I am terrible at the showering. I have never been quite as bad as I have over the last couple of years. Sometimes it can be a week plus. I just feel sometimes that there’s no point to it and especially in the winter, it’s easy to hide not taking care of yourself in that way as when you leave the house, you can just have a quick freshen up, deodorant and perfume, a big coat and a bobble hat to hide you messy hair and put the length of it into a plait!
I do feel better when I am washed and clean and have clean styled hair. I used to think I was genuinely the ugliest person I had ever met but I think I have come to either accept that I do actually look ok when I make the effort to be clean and tidy or I just don’t care anymore about how others see me!

That coupled with a childhood I still haven’t fully processed yet which pees me off as it was a long time ago now so it shouldn’t still bother me.

And there's your issue. Those inner demons which started whispering in childhood still won't be quiet.

Please have a look at these two videos and see if they make sense to you;

@Eyesopenwideawake I can relate to negative core beliefs. I did not just have inner demons as a child though. They are created by others.