Bipolar.....overpowering anxiety and restlessness...can't sleep, can't stop thinking

[ZippiBabes]

....I don't expect any answers I just couldn't lie still in the dark any longer. i am desperate to leave the house and walk or drive but it was 3 am when I started feeling like this and that isn't a good time to do those things. My arms are aching like mad and my hands feel really clammy. i am feeling horribly anxious, justifiably so as i have things to feel anxious about but they are still the same things so nothing has changed except in my head.

This is a really bad time of year for me and this is the first year I have felt I have no one to turn to. However much I try and ignore things they still seem to come found again like this. I find it impossible to believe that things can keep going round and round for ever. It is too strange to have an internal clock that however much you look the other way and try to over come it it still won't ever stop.

Today is the anniversary of my dad's death and it still makes me cry it seems to have always been a part of this cycle. I am just typing this because it is a way of trying to get it out of my head.

I wish I felt depressed because I think that would be easier than this tension and misery on speed feeling...I know it will disappear eventually I just can't think how long it might go on for and I just can't bear it at the moment. I just don't feel very strong. i have used up too much of my being a survivor stuff for the moment.

i am hoping that part of this is pmt but i don't know if it is, maybe that is wishful thinking..i hate being unable to stop winding myself up and up..it's impossible to explain..if you are depressed you feel lethargic at leas t I do but this is like crying and wanting to just do almost anything to stop feeling so tense

That's the ponly reason I am posting on here because I it means my hands are mving which helps a bit and because I am concentrating really hard on typin which slightly takes the uncontrolled feelings away. If I am typing then i can only pursue one train of thought and not hundreds of competing ones. It's also a relief to find that i can just type.

if yoiu read this then thank you, and don't worry I shall feel better later ...i will find some hidden resources

my life is split into two really - the people who know and are part of the whole mental health circle, and the people I keep at arm's length. although mania is impossible to hide once underway, and eventually most of my friends found out and were really really supportive. I don't know what I was afraid of. I worry that it will make people feel uncomfortable, put them on the spot somehow.

i stopped contacting friends through depression and various other things and then decided it was easier not to have any

my exdp was my best friend and my only one for years apart from one other

Zippi you know I've been there and at times it feels like a constant battle that I'm too damn tired to fight.

I don't want to get up in the mornings, I don't eat - at all. I don't sleep at night because of thoughts going round and round in my head, and when I do wake up everything seems surreal.

I go into a self-destruct mode, I pick arguments with dh, do everything in my power to make him hate me. I don't want to talk to anyone, I yell at the kids, I don't do any basic things. I just sit on the edge of the sofa and can stay like that all day, just thinking, over and over.

I did a self-help type thread a while back when I'd just come out of an episode. Did you see it? I can try and find it again. There is no easy answer, no quick fix. All you can do is be aware of your feelings, acknowledge them and tell others what you are going through so they don't expect too much from you. There have been good days, it's easy to forget that, but there have been good days and there will be again. The future changes, every day is different, whether it feels like it or not.

You're not alone mate. Hope the clouds clear soon. x

Here it is.

Zippi - I identify so much with what you say, I frequently get the urge to leave the house in the middle of the night feeling I have so much to do, also get the feeling I have something very important to do / something terrible is about to happen. I'm sorry you're feeling bad as I know what a torment it is. How are you now?
xx

I hope you're ok Zippi xx

thank you Rhubes for the link..you should bump that from time to tome

I slept a lot better i woke up at 3.30am but managed to get back to sleep amazingly

I was supposed to be at college this am before going away at lunchtime but i have decided to bunk off and spend the time getting ready instead of rushing around..oh I am not sure about not going cos it is making me feel anxious too

how are you electra?

vacua the bad experiences on meds involves stuff too shocking to post on here..i have mentioned bits befor but no more than that

i am off shortly than kyou guys for this

i shall try not to drink too much or sleep too little..bf hardly drinks at all so that helps

Have fun zippi!!
Everyone else, enjoy your weekend too.

great advice rhubarb.

If I may add, start taking omegas. There is growing evidence that do have a long term impact on mood swings.Stabilising that is.

Hope you have a great time zippi I am a little better. The books are still a problem though.

So? aren't you going to tell us about your exciting weekend???
Hope you had a good time!

i don't want to bore people lol

i had an absolutely fantastic weekend did loads of stuff and it was brilliant

polysics at the carling academy was great fun

saw rather intellectual exhibition at the hayward which was ok..interesting in part and didn't really work in others but thought provoking rodchenko was chance to see a lot of photos...so that filled some gaps

nice food in the cafe bar there called concrete

marc quinn at white cube evolution was gorgeous

had a very nice thai meal in islington before the gig

spent quite a lot of time lazing etc listening to nice music

went to the pub and watched man u lose to man c and went round lloking at underwear and watched the sunset sat in bushy park and drove home at 1 am ...did have a biot of a panic finding my way to the m40 and suspect as i got flashed i might have picked up my first ever speedo

laughed a lot andf generally forgot about everything

a bity sad that i will eventually ge thurt from this relationship but can't bring myself not to enjoy it for the mo

so immediately wrote a boring post for you lol

keep it up. One day at a time
XXX