Bipolar.....overpowering anxiety and restlessness...can't sleep, can't stop thinking

[ZippiBabes]

....I don't expect any answers I just couldn't lie still in the dark any longer. i am desperate to leave the house and walk or drive but it was 3 am when I started feeling like this and that isn't a good time to do those things. My arms are aching like mad and my hands feel really clammy. i am feeling horribly anxious, justifiably so as i have things to feel anxious about but they are still the same things so nothing has changed except in my head.

This is a really bad time of year for me and this is the first year I have felt I have no one to turn to. However much I try and ignore things they still seem to come found again like this. I find it impossible to believe that things can keep going round and round for ever. It is too strange to have an internal clock that however much you look the other way and try to over come it it still won't ever stop.

Today is the anniversary of my dad's death and it still makes me cry it seems to have always been a part of this cycle. I am just typing this because it is a way of trying to get it out of my head.

I wish I felt depressed because I think that would be easier than this tension and misery on speed feeling...I know it will disappear eventually I just can't think how long it might go on for and I just can't bear it at the moment. I just don't feel very strong. i have used up too much of my being a survivor stuff for the moment.

i am hoping that part of this is pmt but i don't know if it is, maybe that is wishful thinking..i hate being unable to stop winding myself up and up..it's impossible to explain..if you are depressed you feel lethargic at leas t I do but this is like crying and wanting to just do almost anything to stop feeling so tense

That's the ponly reason I am posting on here because I it means my hands are mving which helps a bit and because I am concentrating really hard on typin which slightly takes the uncontrolled feelings away. If I am typing then i can only pursue one train of thought and not hundreds of competing ones. It's also a relief to find that i can just type.

if yoiu read this then thank you, and don't worry I shall feel better later ...i will find some hidden resources

Zippi,

I'm really struggling at the moment but wanted you to know that I had read this and am thinking of you. I identify with much of what you have said and wish I could offer some comfort. I can't post much now as I feel like I'm teetering right on the edge but I do hope things settle down and that your busy weekend goes well.

Thinking of you.

OR (from 10/10 [hello Franny too])

You've explained it really well.
I think you don't need me or anyone to tell you you've got too much stimulation lined up for your weekend. You know exactly where you are heading.

I know you feel compelled to follow the pleasure rush but you must slow down. Please, allow someone to be with you and try and keep it slow this weekend and get some rest.
Please, please

OR can we do anything? what is going on?

Zip your hair was fab

I am doing lots because I had two invites for the same weekend so going from friends to london..london is with the guy i am seeing i am staying with him on sat so we are just making the most of it

i am only posting to help me..i hate posting this stuff but i thought it might help me try and focus and see things clearer

i don't tell anybody at all in rl anything

don't worry I am not on my own over the weekend or anything

OK fair enough.
Isn't there anyone in RL you could trust?

I'm not bipolar.
My brother and my best friend are.
Last summer I saw my BF melt down, Exactly what you describe. Only never knew what was happening.She's a happy shinny nature and was involved in a lot of projects.
I just thought wow....she's so energetic....until she started rambling and lost it.
She was sectionned 3 months out of the blue. Because no one around here was there to understand what the signs where. That's why you have to trust someone to be there with you when they appear.

Surely there must be?

and losing it again sorry you are struggling, you can email me any time

I think there are a few mners who feel like this

No, Franny, thanks though. Don't want to hijack the thread and witter about myself - just wanted zippi to know I understand. A bit.

Glad you will have company, zippi.

Sorry do not mean to scare you, I'm sure you know the implications already.
Just make sure you have safeguards so you can go out and enjoy yourself.
I'm not saying be monacal. Just have someone in the know who can watch out for you.

zippi, huge hug. is also the anniversary of my father's death. not trying to hijack your feelings, just that i know where you are coming from on that point. agree, today will always be a bad day, no matter how long ago it was.

hope it gets better from here for you.

Watsthestory , sorry about that feeling that we are constantly checking
That's exactly what we are doing.....so you can go ahead and let loose..... safely somehow.

losing it again you can certtainly hijack the thread i don't believe in hijacking as a concept

i am the worlds worst so that would be a bit hypcoritical

and missorinoco hugs to you too

it is true it doesn't go away

Sorry Zip, feel a bit weird typing this without a name change. I've got bipolar and had lots of involvement in setting up self help groups and contributing to self-management courses and so on, I still facilitate a peer support group. So I suppose I'm saturated with other people's stories and various medications as well my own experiences. My sister has a really severe form of the condition, my other sister a milder one, my aunt and my cousin about the same as me.

I'm not a meds pusher because I know some people manage really well through diet, exercise, relaxation and so on and I was really anti-meds myself. It took ages to get to a point where I got some that suited me and I was willing to take them. They've made the difference between one or two hospitalisations a year and none for three years, but even when it doesn't get to that stage it's still really disruptive.

You sound like you have good insight though, which is a real plus. What's the normal course of your episodes, do you know? Like, do you get low after a high or before and how long do they last for?

oh watsthestory you sound like me i don't like to worry people

or i don't want to be bossed about

my children had enough to last a lifetime 8 years ago and i haven't taken them there if i can help it since

i cope...i probably shouldn't have posted on mn because i don't like worrying poeople on here either

i was just scared that i might have run out of coping, but i am feeling a lot better tonight

it's the fear of what might be just about to happen

WTS, that was not awfull at all! no worries. I know where you're coming from.

Watsthestory - that was explained perfectly. Thats how I feel too. And why I (very unwisely) never tell anyone. I often wish people would notice though and would rescue me before I fall into my bit of despair.

Also, if I tell someone, it makes it more real rather than just in my head. And, I think, more likely that I will get worse. And I hate people fussing. Yet I know I do need help. I would just prefer not to.

I live in fear of what might happen. Based on what has happened before. And I always think, "Well, I might be ok. It might not happen..."

i posted three years ago on mn ..i just looked it up..i was scared that i was going to be ill and no one answered my thread

now there are quite a few people who have spoken about their own experiences and a lot more posts on mn

everyone is very brave

losing it again your post is very like mine too

lol, zippi - I just looked up a couple of my old threads from when I was very very ill. I am sure I shouldn't have looked but I did

I'm sorry no-one answered your thread then. If I'd been here, I would have done.