I hate my head and my life

[Ihatemyselfsomuchxx]

My head is a mess. I'm having a break down while typing this so I'm just gonna ramble

Single parent father not involved, I only have my father who lives 100 miles away up north from me

I didn't have the best upbringing, my mother manipulated me, her family I could never be good enough for them, I've now cut them out for good since my mother died 4 years ago

I have hardly any friends, no one checks up on me really, I have to put a brave face on up school

I suffer with anxiety. Nothing actually triggers it, it's random

I'm trying to get over a man who I thought was the one, I haven't seen him since school over 15 years ago but we were extremely close and I'm pretty sure he strung me along on off since school, he lives 200 miles down south since leaving. I have had to stop speaking to him 6 months ago cos it was too painful, excuse after excuse to not meet up. And would gaslight me.

I haven't got a partner, went on a date last week but he gets short worded sometimes and I felt like I was putting the effort in to arrange things, I stupidly spoke to him about it and now I don't think we're seeing each other again, I realised my life is more peaceful single, so I might just stay single

I walk around with a heavy heart and a headache

I'm trying to find another job as I was on my mother's will so I am living off savings at the moment as my job now doesn't pay for everything. I'm getting interviews but no one is hiring me. I feel worthless.

I'm only here for my daughter. I'm sorry to say that.

I want to run away. But I can't cos of my daughter. I'm in too much emotional pain. I cry in my own a lot.

I hate social media. I hate WhatsApp, I hate wondering why people are ignoring me and never reply. I'm not clingy. I hate wondering why I'm not included in things.

I ask people if they had a good Christmas at work, no one asks me back. I am a smiley person at work, I leave my worries at the door.

I have offered my neighbour some pet food a few months ago cos mine don't eat thst brand and she didn't even say thank you. Just a "well if you're not gonna have it I may as well"

Really fed up. I feel so worthless. I'm sorry.

Sorry I don't know why voting is enabled, can I turn it off?

Ah, sorry you are feeling so shit. I'm afraid I don't have any magic remedies for you, being a single Mum is shit sometimes but far preferable to being obliged to interact with an arsehole. I often get reminded of this fact when reading threads on here. I've also let friendships drift, they're difficult to maintain when you're depressed and self loathing.
Can you think of one tiny small thing that you could work on to move towards being slightly happier? EDITED BY MNHQ

I'm sorry you feel so isolated atm op without your mum. That's really hard.

And I'm sorry things aren't pleasant at work and your neighbour was impolite. Sometimes people have their own issues so don't assume that it's something you've done. January can be a hard month sometimes.

Can you identify the one thing that is causing you the most difficulty now , or the one thing that caused you to post here?

If it's the anxiety then maybe you need to seek some support for that? Can you make an appointment with the GP? Maybe seek some ads or talking therapy?

It sounds as though you have been very wise to close down the relationships you have had as the men concerned don't sound good for you.

Sometimes we get upset with ourselves and our lives because we know in ourselves that it's a time for major change. The process isn't remotely comfortable at the time but the distress catapults you forward, or at least makes you crawl forward, until you find yourself on a different path. It's really hard but you are young yet op and if with some support you can get to the point where you like yourself a bit more and are kinder to yourself , you might find life looks totally different to the way it does now. Good luck!

@Ihatemyselfsomuchxx
I am assuming you are still a young woman?
{Well, young compared to me 🙂}
As a younger person, I too contemplated ''Ending it'' {Teenager}
But so so so glad I didn't.
As you get older, you will likely find it 'easier'.

Your Daughter most definitely needs you.
I know a couple of adults whose parent died by their own hand while they were children, and they have been profoundly affected by it in a very bad way.

Being a single parent is really hard {My husband left years ago} Ironically I get on ok with him now and we can be civil.
I do think things will improve for you ..Life is hard for lots of people, you definitely are not alone, and will be everything to your Daughter 🙂⭐️

@Ihatemyselfsomuchxx As for the neighbour not saying thanks for the pet food-That is rude not to say thanks.

Having got a fussy Whippet now, I had lots of different food she wouldn't eat..I put it out for foxes.
Seemed a shame to waste it.
Aand guess what,,When she found it put out for Foxes in the garden, she thought it was the best thing ever 🙈
I hope ''Fussikins'' will begin eating what you buy him or her .

And your pet will definitely need you, too.

Pets are so faithful. 💕

I spent the last 20 years of my life in different circumstances than you but feeling the same kind of things.

What made me feel better was slowly realising I am number one in my life. That I needed to stop seeking validation in other people or caring what they think. Now I truly put myself first. I love myself and do everything to make myself happy. I mean, obviously one of the primary ways I do that is in caring for my little one, but it’s me and her that matters, nobody else.

You can’t change how people react. Them being rude as fuck is nothing to do with you, you’re very obviously a kind and lovely person but some people will be horrible to you and it’s nothing to do with you.

I wouldn’t take the attitude that you are going to be single and alone forever, but if I were you right now I’d take a break from dating and concentrate on myself. Put effort into finding a job you prefer, don’t give up on it. See a Doctor about your anxiety. Do things you love for you and nobody else.

Please believe in yourself, you sound like an lovely person, you just need to know that you deserve happiness and do everything you can to feel happy.

You should talk to your GP, OP. A small amount of medication can change your mindset sufficiently for you to feel OK about things, following which you can address the major issues with a much clearer head.

Sorry you’re feeling this way OP. Try talking to your doctor, they can arrange some therapy for you which I think would be beneficial. I hope you find the strength you need, and that you start to feel better soon. Just remember that nothing is permanent, this too shall pass. Look to your child for the strength you need, she needs you, you need each other. 💐

I'm sorry you're feeling defeated, OP.
If you feel 2/10 at present, what one thing can you do today to take it to 3/10?

Would it help to move nearer to your dad ? Have a fresh start.

Try not to think about what's happened in the past and comparing yourself to others and try to live in the present, what can you do today to have a good day?

Are you autistic? You sound like me before I was diagnosed.

It's not you. It's them.

I feel for you , life is harsh and people unreliable and sadly it may not change , it feels as if you are waiting and hoping someone will come into your world and make it happy for you and this is wrong thinking . People are only interested in them self's, they won't be remotely interested in you , they may play the game but it is just a fleeting game . You sound kind and sensitive and perhaps believe others are the same as you , because you love and feel deeply . The only way forward is you and your child , just you two , together and strong . Change your mindset , no one can make you happy or change your world , only you can do this . Look to no one to make you happy, look only to yourself. It's hard but once you find your own power you will become strong and independent, then and only then , maybe someone as good and as loving as you will come into your life , you can then be independently happy without being needy and co dependant . Good luck , move forward , grow strong and live for yourself .

@Notarealmum I think this is a good suggestion

I think I will go back to my GP. I've tried a few antidepressants and most have side affects of tiredness for me, one made me feel more anxious. I'm at breaking point now so I definitely need something.

I have often wondered whether I am or not, especially when I was in primary I struggled to socialise and I couldn't understand my feelings, I used to think I was strange for feeling things. Saying that I didn't have the best upbringing and when I was start of secondary school my parents broke up and I was dragged into it so that may play a part too. I believe there was cheating both sides. My step brother has told me he reckons a lot more went on between the parents than us children know. My mother bad mouthed my father for 15 years until she died. It damaged my relationship with her yet I told her numerous times to stop.

I wanted to do this, financially I'm not sure I can do it, I'm in council house and I don't want to privately rent.

My cat was right on top of me on my chest in bed after I posted here. I think she knew I wasn't feeling good. She can definitely sense it.

That sounds like a very tough start op, I am sorry.

And it sounds as though your mum felt lonely and isolated as a single parent too if she spoke to you so much about your dad in an inappropriate way.

You definitely sound like you could benefit from a bit of counselling to break unconscious patterns (not saying you over rely on your dc btw!) but as pps said, to help you develop more strength from within.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help; we all need help sometimes… .

I'm so sorry.. when people are rude & uncaring it's so easy to take it personally when you feel low.. on another, better day you can silently think 'up yours..'
Lots of good advice here, I just wanted to say you are being thought of, & please try to follow the advice, eg GP etc.. hugs. x

Cheesy as this sounds, you really do need to learn to love yourself and your own company before you can move forward.
Turn your focus away from all these things you list which are wrong in your life, and towards things that are OK or even good.

You love your daughter - good
and she makes life worth living - good
you have a job - good
you have savings to help with the shortfall from your income - good
you have a home, I presume - good

These are fixed things in life that for now are good enough. Not perfect but good enough. Value them.

Then start to work on valuing small everyday stuff - easy stuff. Play music you like (upbeat not sad) and say to yourself, 'I like that. I like listening to that.' Do the same with TV shows - that was fun! That made me laugh - go for upbeat things. And do the same with nature - point out a beautiful moon or sunset to your daughter, or a cute squirrel or bird. Allow yourself to enjoy small things.

I'm not suggesting these are solutions to your big issues. I'm suggesting they are breathers, little pinpoints of light in the darkness.

Make a list of all the things you deserve to be proud of, even if you are not, the kind of list a very loving relatrive or friend would offer you if you had one. Because ironically, when you start being your own most loving relative and best friend, other people seem to sense it and they don't feel scared that you are going to be clingy or needy, and so they are more likely to invite you into their lives.

At work, try to volunteer a bit of info about yourself. I know when I was very down and lonely, I made myself into a sort of blank sheet who was always kind and smiley to others but they got no sense of who I was, and that disconcerted them. Do fun stuff with your daughter. Go to a film or go bowling or skating. Then come into work and say, How was everyone's weekend? Did anyone go to X film/do park run etc. We thought it was great.

Don;t worry if no one responds - just keep doing it, but not overdoing it. Eventually people realise they know a bit about you - ah she's the one who does Park Run/loves cinema etc - and they start to chat with you about it.

Do a bit of work in the evenings on self-help. There's loads of Ted talks, free webinars and worksheets on line. Explore them until you find an approach that clicks for you. You will come through this.

Really great post Winterfoxes!

Could you look into doing an exchange? Is that still a thing?

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you have been feeling low lately, and are pleased to see that you have been offered some lovely support.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.
Sending kindest thoughts, go easy on yourself. x