Hanging on by a thread

[YouCantTourniquetTheTaint]

As the title says I'm hanging on by a very frayed thin thread.

I don't know if it's hormonal or depression or if they're feeding each other, but something needs to happen. Because I have now accepted that I'm probably going to end up 6ft under and it no longer scares or upsets me. I have absolutely no intention now, I'm safe, I have the crisis number, and my dog, I just need to talk as I haven't got anyone in RL to talk to.

I have always had really bad PMT, and I started taking the progesterone pill about 4/5 months ago, however the only emotion I feel now is anger, I'm literally a shell of the person I was 10 years ago.

I believe I'm peri menopausal, I get hot flushes, sweating, insomnia, dry fanny, low mood, I've not had a sex drive in years, I'm probably a virgin again by now, the thought of sex gives me the ick. However I'm 37, so I just get told I'm too young. My DM started early, maybe it runs in the family.

I take Duloxetine as several ADs have failed, I want to try venlafaxine, as its supposedly shown good results for menopausal womens symptoms.

I don't expect miracles, and I have a Dr's appointment on Tuesday so I can discuss it with him, I'm just terrified of being dismissed or put in a hospital.

I'm also as a side note getting sick to the back teeth of seeing and being told that I'm strong, or that I'll get through it, or that there's better things around the corner, it's probably just me being a mardy cow but it gets right on my tits.

3 years older than you and in the same situation. I’m on Sertraline though and have been for years.

The only emotion I feel is anger. A boiling rage so deep it feels like I could open my mouth and scream and scream and let it all out but never be purged. I sure as heck can’t articulate it.

Hope your appointment goes well and solidarity.

Perimenopause can be brutal. Can I suggest that you go and see a doctor that know a lot about menopause? There are many who are hopeless in this area. You are young but some people do go through this young.

I was told to avoid progesterone only as it would make me hugely ragey

this was before I became someone who is ...quite ragey.

I hope you have a good experience with the doctor. A good one - in my case, for A&D - makes such a difference.

Just dropping in to say I hear you, it sounds tough, and I’m sorry you’re going through that. Please don’t give up. There’s some good practical advice from other posters on here. I’ve been struggling too, probably like many during the festive break. Feel like I’m hurtling towards rock bottom, with insomnia, anxiety, depression flaring up. You aren’t alone x

@EmmaAgain22 oh really, that's probably why I'm so sodding angry then, well more than usual lol.

@FlappyFish my mouth tastes like copper I'm so full of rage. I've just bitten the head off a happy clappy you've survived this far and you haven't given yourself credit ticktoker. Jog on. I'm sick of surviving.

@lifeinthehills If this is only perimenopause I am not going to survive menopause. I just won't. Because I'm no longer getting my period thanks to the pill, I'm not getting the estrogen produced by my cycle.

My new Dr seems OK, my last GP left so yeah. I'm going to have notes to hand I think. Explain the sweating, hot flushes, dry fanny, low moods, weight gain, no sex drive, headaches, trouble sleeping.

Since you're on the pill, any chance that is causing the issues? I couldn't take hormonal birth control.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We understand that you will be seeing your GP, and we hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health Resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

It looks like you are already getting some wonderful support from other Mumsnetters and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Wishing you the very best,
MNHQ💐

Thank you @PipMumsnet

I think I'm coming to the realisation that it is probably the pill causing the issues. Which is great. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, without the pill I'm a depressed, seriously anxious mess, and with the pill I'm a cold, angry mess. But with both scenarios I have SI. Objectively I felt worse before the pill, however its not normal to feel nothing bar anger.

So I don't know what to do, there was a week where I couldn't get the pill about 6 weeks ago and within 5 days my anxiety was so bad I made a plan, (again I have no plans right now, I have emergency phone numbers and my dog I just need to talk) but obviously didn't go through with it, I don't think I cope with feeling like that again. I don't think I can cope with pmt again, which goes back to my original post which is I have accepted that I'm not going to get better.

Why can't Dr's prescribe meds that actually work for anxiety anymore? I know its because of addiction and stuff but Propranolol is just bullshit and does nothing for extreme anxiety, I've tried cbt, colouring in, going for walks, drinking water, yes I've had a bath, tea tastes like compost scrapings, I've held ice cubes, played games, basically you've just got to accept you're always gonna feel like shit and you're obviously not trying hard enough to take your mind off your anxiety.

OP
are you able to take the combined pill?

I had a colleague who paid for a professional psych purely to get lorazepam. I've never tried it but I have seen her give presentations on it and wow!

I know what you mean about them not giving stuff that works. My former GP - now retired - warned me about it. They want everyone on the long acting stuff, very little acceptance of the short term use benefits.

I had one try to give poprawaotsit in spite of low blood pressure. I now find a bit of verbal sparring with the GP gets me diazepam but I am very aware it won't last.

the taste in your mouth makes me wonder if anything else is at play but I realise you might not want to put your medical history out here!

Go and get your sex hormone levels tested.

I felt the same as you. 3 stone weight gain in 2 years, no sex drive, depressed, anxiety, insomnia, joint ache, migraines, heart palpitations, lethargy, unable to exercise, muscle wastage, no periods for 2 years.

I genuinely thought I was heading for an early grave at 31.

Turns out my pcos caused oestrogen dominance, I had double the highest level of testerone and absolutely no progesterone at all.

Started hormone therapy and within weeks mental health issues were gone, within 2 months normal periods had returned and my sex drive is back with a vengeance.

My colleague said a very true thing which I have told my current GP

the refusal to prescribe certain things makes you feel like an addict. You have three sleeping pills left. At 5am you break off a bit and try to sleep for a couple of hours. You obsess over how you can get more.

a friend called from a festival squealing with excitement because she found 5mg diazepam on the floor. She wanted to know if I agreed it was diazepam.

i did.

then she wrapped it up oh so carefully, like it was a flake of gold.

8ve had duloxetine in the past and could get on with it. Killed my sex drive, not that I liked sex in the first place anyway and made me like the pms monster. I take the pill too but most of my symptoms resolved when I moved off duloxetine and onto Amitriptyline instead.

Do you have a partner? Children? A job?

Op you have posted many many times for a very long time about your mental health difficulties.

Have you ever sought therapy?

I have had therapy it was 6 sessions and it ended up basically being CBT, which hasn't worked in the past it's not for not trying however I have ADHD and my brain just isn't wired that way. You have your 6 sessions, there's the app. Good luck. I'm not ungrateful I realise that MH support is absolutely and utterly and criminally underfunded. I can't afford private therapy so that's out of the question.

I have been depressed for a long time, nearly 20 years now and it's stripped everything from me, literally everything. I broke up with my fiancé at the start of covid, no kids, and I lost my job earlier this December due to my MH, officially they didn't renew my contract but I know. So again I'm at rock bottom and I just don't care anymore. I'm broken and I give up, I surrender, I yield the white flag is waving.

It really does make you feel like an addict, the last time I was bad, and when I say bad I mean pre going on the pill, I'd have 3 sometimes 4 weeks of pmt, where I'd be having mood swings, paranoia, extremely bad anxiety, panic attacks, I wouldn't be able to make decisions, I'd cry, have SI, it was awful and then my period would finally come and I'd be a completely different person, seriously I was Jekyll and Hyde, I asked for help with the anxiety especially and was given the pill, I asked for something specifically for anxiety and was told no I'm already taking Propranolol.

I believe I do need my hormones testing, I've been told there's not a test though I'll ask on Tuesday.

Thank you everyone, this is actually really helpful, just getting my thoughts down is helpful.

You can have your hormones tested. There just isn't a definitive test for perimenopause. This is because your hormones are constantly changing up and down anyway. That diagnosis is based on symptoms.

You know what OP, you are, despite what you think, doing amazing.

You are sharing your thoughts and feelings and you are trying to wade through the massive pile of fucking shit that is anxiety.

You won’t get me saying that I think you are strong and you are the strongest person ever etc etc because that’s bollocks and I hate that bullshit talk too. People do it to me and it gives me the rage so I get it. Even though it is meant well.

Anxiety sucks but when it’s severe it’s a heartless debilitating and evil bastard and nothing NOTHING really helps does it?

Honestly, I am not sure that the current medication is helping you. If I were you, I’d speak to your Doctor again. Request bloods and ask lots of questions. They need to explore this deeper and support you better.

Another route is the natural remedies.. might be worth investigating into some vitamin supplements that helps with mental health illnesses.

That’s my intention because I, like you, feel very desperate when things get bad and that’s frequent. I find myself at a total loss with horrendous anxiety and it peaks and falls during the month ( and I think I am peri menopausal as well).

I agree that CBT is bollocks ( in my experience… it does NOT help with severe anxiety.) and as for Propananol , I have more or less told my Doctor where to stick it. It does not help.

Massive amounts of empathy from me OP. Keep posting ❤️

I know this is an old thread, but I thought I'd give an update on how I'm doing!!

So I ended up going private for HRT and am on the Everol Conti 50mcg patches and.... omg they've literally saved my life. I'm back to being the person I was 10 years ago. I've done a complete 180°. Last week I realised that I felt genuinely happy for the first time in like 2 years.

It's such a cliche but to anyone struggling as much as I was there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Things can get better.

Thank you to everyone who helped me, the messages and advice really did help. They kept me going