Need some perspective.

[Isthatascratchonmygrandmother]

I'm sorry for the heavy-handed subject so close to Christmas. I just need some perspective on my situation. My Dad is an alcoholic but it's something that's not acknowledged within the family. I suffer with cptsd from childhood due to the domestically violent incidents following dad's drinking sessions. I have a fragmented recollection of childhood but I do remember he would act like a wild animal, snarling, growling, on all fours and 'mouthing' us on the neck, arms etc. I'm sure he meant this to be endearing like a wolf with his Cubs but it was very confusing since I thought this was a normal parental interaction. He was physically and verbally abusive to my mother but he denies it and the rest of the family do not like to talk of it. I have 7 siblings, one died 10 years ago. I remember being petrified, actually frozen in fear at the thought of Dad coming home and what sort of mood he would be in. He would act like a wild beast. We weren't allowed to show fear and we would be berated. There are many other things that I'm unable to list as I'm aware I need alot of therapy and have now reached out for it. Mu dilemma is, I love my parents and I'm confused if I'm just overly sensitive or if my trauma and feelings are justified. There were good times too and they do show me they love me at times but our views don't align anymore. They don't beleive in stress/depression/anxiety even though its clear they've been plagued with these issues all their life yet they've just self medicated with booze. I've seen my father destroy his body. I choose not to drink and have told my family many times that I feel unsafe and it triggers me. I visited them a few days ago and for some reason I accepted their encouragement to drink. Obviously this went down like a led balloon and I had what I can only describe as a psychotic episode. I don't feel in a safe space when I'm around them yet I feel tremendous guilt for feeling this way because I love them so much. I'm really torn on what to do because I fantasise about going no contact but I also feel sick about how that would make them feel. Does anyone have any advice on going no contact when the people in question have their good points? I'm so confused.

What you describe here must be so hard for you. Growing up in fear of one of your parents and that fear still being there when you’re an adult. It’s awful and your feelings are absolutely justified.

You may find this thread useful. It’s full of people who have strained relationships with their parents and are at varying stages of going low or no contact

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4660201-november-2022-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

I went NC with my dad in my early twenties after living in fear of him from a young age. It was really difficult, especially as my parents are still together and I didn’t want to “punish” my mother for my dad’s actions so maintained contact with her. The only way I managed to do that was by moving to a different country, which is obviously not a practical solution for most people.

I have no doubt my dad loves me, but I also have no doubt that he enjoys hurting people and that it makes him feel “powerful” in some messed up way. At the end of the day I just don’t trust him not to traumatise me again and the pain that would cause me is much greater than the pain of going NC. But even though I know this with absolute certainty it’s still incredibly hard.

So I’m sorry I don’t have an easy solution for you, but I just wanted to say that I understand 😔

Thank you so much for your reply. It definitely helps. My dad is a weak old man now and he has humbled alot but those snippets of evil still show up from time to time and I'm reminded of being actually scared to death of the snarling, growling and he used to say that he would kill everything in sight and I didn't know why he wanted to do that. I then spent my twenties hero worshipping him when he humbled but now I'm in my thirties and have my own children my mental health is really fragile. I will check out that thread and look for a decent therapist. I suppose I should expect pain either way I just need to know what the right thing to do by my children. Thank you again.

Having kids puts everything in perspective. Is there any risk he’d end up doing the same to them as he did to you?

I was feeling guilty for years, but then my brother had kids and told me how my dad behaved with them. It was all the same toxic stuff he used to do to us, repeated for the next generation. No hope of change.

Look after yourself. You never completely escape the impact of growing up like that, but that doesn’t mean that your future needs to be dictated by it 🤗

I fear he would if he got time alone with them but time is always brief and supervised with my parents as dad is a heavy smoker so it's always like 30 minutes in the garden before my husband takes them off and I stay over. They hate me for this too and say my husband has made me a snob and changed but I really do not want my children around smoke. I feel they should understand that. Ive tried to protect their feelings around this but why should i be made to feel bad that i dont want my children inahling smoke? I love my Dad and realise he is a victim of CA himself and while he's not a direct threat to me anymore, I find myself triggered sometimes especially when they try to push the alcohol on me and convince me I'm old before my time and that my husband as isolated me. Alcohol reacts so bad with me I don't understand why they would keep encouraging it. Its alot to unpack like you said. My feelings will probably always be conflicted but I feel I have a duty to my children to try to recover from my childhood but I cant do that while ever my family don't acknowledge that the drinking is a problem, amongst many other things. Ty again