Suicidal thoughts

[therecouldbeonlysomuch]

I can’t, because I have a younger sister with learning difficulties who needs me to be her parent, if I go she’ll have no-one she’s very close to and she’d never get over it .

But I’m having suicidal thoughts every day, and I’m totally utterly desperate. I’m swinging between horrendous panic attacks and dissociation - to feeling completely flat and suicidal. There’s no in between ground .

I know if I followed through with it what I’d do, and sometimes half write letters and then stop.

Spoke to a duty worker this morning who said I’m on a 10 month waiting list for support from their team and meantime just to call duty nurse or 111 for help. She said to go and watch a nice film and have a bubble bath with a cup of hot chocolate.

I’m so, so tired and don’t know what to do. I have got support around me but any support face to face I’m ‘just a job’ to them, can’t sort of call them and ask for help.

Part of me thinks if I do a ‘cry for help’ but I’d be scared what the consequences of that choice would be .

It’s my first Christmas without my lovely mum, she’s in a nursing home with early onset dementia and no longer recognises me, I cared for her for most of my life - my dad left when I was 5 and a half but I remember caring for her before that, and now she’s in a nursing home . She’d be devastated and I can’t get rid of guilt that no matter what I did it was futile, she’s going to die anyway. I can’t remember the last time we had a proper conversation, and I can’t hear her voice anymore, can only remember her once she got dementia and completely changed.

I do feel close to other people but I’m not their daughter, ‘just’ niece or cousin or friend or something. My mum was my best friend. I don’t expect she’ll be here this time next year and I don’t know how to live without her. My whole life depends on being at uni now, because that’s where I live, only income I have coming in, and even then it’s very limited - I‘m avoiding eating to save money - and I’m terrified if uni falls apart what happens to me? My GP said I’m not fit to work, but the process for applying for disability benefits is so complex, and I’m scared somewhere along the way someone will say I’m not capable of uni, and kick me out.

OP sending you a hug. Please know that you are not ‘just’ a friend/cousin/whatever to those that you are close to. You are loved and important to them.

Im so sorry to hear about your mum. Dementia is such a very cruel illness. I don’t know the right words to say to you but Im sure your mum would have wanted you to try to build a fulfilling life without her, even if it’s incredibly hard at first. It’s brilliant that you’re studying; how far are you into your course?

ps please get some food from a local food bank

I’m repeating my third year, I’m absolutely desperate to hang onto my course even if my brain isn’t working just now. I get a lot of support from uni but main support worker is off til uni restarts in Jan. Have an appt to see other lady I know well next Wed but it’s very hard to be completely honest with people.

She would have (mum) but I keep going over and over things and trying to work out if I could have done something different. If I’d known it was dementia I would have been so much more patient, I think, I don’t go to visit very often (can’t completely afford to on student loan, she’s four hours away) and I’m scared she’ll be wondering sometimes where I’ve gone (although care home and family and doctors have said no, she won’t know at all).

I’m travelling next week to see my mum’s family for Christmas, and then being taken out for lunch by uni support worker between xmas and new year … then going to see my mum … but it’s the being alone in between that’s difficult.. and all that travelling costs money that right now I’m terrified of spending too.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health Resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

We see that you are already getting some wonderful support from another Mumsnetter which is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Wishing you the very best,
MNHQ💐

It’s stupid but I can’t even make a decision tonight in what I want for my tea . I’ve been sat for an hour trying to decide and I can’t.

It doesn’t sound stupid. It sounds as though your brain is completely overwhelmed and can’t manage making another decision right now.

that’s lovely that you’ve got plenty of support from uni. Might your mum’s family be able to help with your travel costs?

Hi OP, just checking in to say I’m thinking of you

Thank you, I’m feeling a bit calmer today. MH team said CPN I’m familiar with is going to ring me on Monday and said me sit meantime I can ring the crisis team as needed, lovely nurse called me last night and talked me through things. I think mum’s family will try to help yes, they already do, I end up catastrophising a lot when very down .
crisis nurse told me to have a takeaway today too, so I’ve got that ordered and looking forward to it coming!

Ooh how lovely to have a takeaway as a treat, sounds perfect! What sort of food have you gone for?

and that’s wonderful that you’re speaking to the CPN on Monday, not long to go now. I’m so pleased that your mum’s family could help you out with the travel costs; I hope that helps you to know how much they care about you

It was a dominos … meatball marina and the chocolate orange cookies … it was absolutely lovely . Feel a little bit guilty for buying it but it was lovely .

I managed to look through some of my mum’s stuff this morning, it’s in a memory box that I hardly ever look in, but had a wee look this afternoon. Found some mix tapes that I’ve never played before (thankfully had a cassette player in amongst her stuff knowing there was tapes!) . It helps you build up a picture, I can imagine my mum in her 20s making those tapes (Madonna, queen, David Bowie, hooked on classics). There’s a tiny bottle of her perfume in the box too which is lovely to smell, I dread it running around and needing to pay for a new bottle !!!

Sending huge hugs because I lost my dad to cancer during my 2nd year at university & it was the most difficult thing ever !

I am so happy to hear your university is supporting u, they are really good on mental health matters. I think ur an inspiration to even come on here to share this with us. It demonstrates ur strength because you are very self aware. Sometimes our thoughts can be so hard to process and be overwhelming that we see no way out but to end things but please remember it's a temporary feeling. When u feel this way come on here or reach out to ur closest support network because support it what helps us through our darkest moments

Thank you, it’s so hard isn’t it. I’m trying very hard to keep a relationship going with my dad - they’re divorced 25 years ago - but it’s so hard without my mum. She’s my best friend. I’m so desperate to talk to her and get a proper cuddle. I found lots of cards in amongst the boxes I’ve kept but I can’t hear her voice properly in my head and I can’t remember the last normal conversation we had and that hurts so much. The thought of new year after this last year is so hard, I’ve had incredible support on here but it’s so difficult accepting that this is the way things are now. I can’t imagine a future without my mum there.

Please try and talk to your mum's family, I'm sure you are not JUST a niece and cousin to them. If you were my niece I would want to know how much you are struggling and would do everything I could to support you. I know it's not easy to open up to people but I'm sure they would want to know.

Awwww it's so wonderful to see such supportive people on here!

I completely understand regarding opening up to people. This is something associated to allowing urself to feel vulnerable when u open up face to face. In my experience, when self esteem is low, it automatically makes us put up a barrier because that is where we feel safe the most. However, long term is damaging because we are isolating ourselves from love and support. When we do open up, sometimes people don't know how to respond or support is due to their limited understanding of poor mental health.

I also understand ur pain regarding ur mum. It sounds like she was a huge influence in ur life & that you thrived off her love ❤️ and bond. Nothing will ever change that regardless of her capacity to show that now. I found comfort in memories that I had with my dad. I also created a place in my head that I visit when am feeling low. So it might help if you create a place where u can treasure memories with ur mum. I know it's so hard though. Also I think ur grieving the person ur mum used to be which is absolutely understandable. I think ur a incredibly brave individual. You can talk to me anytime