I seriously need help :(

[themesmor]

I'm feeling so low.

Today was meant to be a really nice afternoon with my DP. We were going to go Christmas shopping and grab some lunch. When we got into town, I just lost it. I was so overwhelmed, it was so busy.. I didn't know where to begin and I just majorly freaked. I felt like crying and wanted the ground to swallow me up. I was literally fighting back the tears, and I feel so ridiculous as i honestly can't put my finger on why.

We've argued since then. DP and I are newly married, happy usually but I often really struggle with my mental health. I just get so overwhelmed.. it then makes me completely Indecisive and stressed. I hate it, I can recognise when I'm getting overwhelmed as I get uncontrollably angry and tearful and frustrated with myself.

Anyway. I'm now beating myself up as I've essentially wasted the day. We had a lovely day planned and I couldn't even cope with it. We have come home early. I've said things I don't mean to DH when he's just trying to help me. I feel like hurting myself.

How pathetic. Just because I felt overwhelmed.

I'm out on a drive currently. I've pulled over near a church. I just want to hurt myself. Everything and everyone I've driven past I just want to drive into. Just to feel something. I just feel numb.

Is it possible to check yourself into a mental health care-centre? Is there such thing? I just want to feel understood.

Im mega stressed in daily life at the moment. My work is stressful and looks to be going under, with redundancies left right and centre. We aren't sure if we are going to make it to Christmas. I am also struggling with TTC, and DH and I are going for our first IVF appointment this coming week, following 2.5 years of struggling and having had an appointment last week, at the hospital, after a 1.5 year wait on the waiting list. I got there to be told I'd been placed on the wrong list all along.

I just can't do this. I don't want to feel like this any more.

I physically hurt.

ok OP your husband will forgive you. Are you by yourself? Can you message him and tell him sorry that will be one less worry. Sounds like you have a lot going on. You could ring crisis resolution team in your area or ring 111. You could get a prescription for diazepam or a beta blocker in the short term. You must ring your doctor tomorrow. Are you taking any medication.

Honestly take it from experience if you try a suicide attempt and you survive life will just get 10x worse in the aftermath because of what you've done. When you don't think life can get any worse, it does, tenfold. Go get a bath and a cup of tea and first thing in the morning ring gp x

You matter OP, and things will settle down. This too shall pass - hang in there.

Even if you want to chat on MN here plenty of us will listen. Be kind to yourself you've had a bad day and tomorrow will be better, especially after a good sleep. Things seem bad right now but let it pass like @AtrociousCircumstance said 💐

Honestly nothing is 'wrong' with you, everyone and anyone can get overwhelmed with any situation, it's ok, you maybe just need some support through a difficult time, your husband loves you, we all have the capacity to say things in anger or when we are struggling, it comes from frustration to understand whats happening to you, if you feel you can hang until morning then call GP first thing, but if you feel at all that you can't make it through the night then you can go to your nearest emergency department, keep talking on here, theres a lot of wonderful supportive advice to be had, a lot of it comes from personal experience, so don't feel theres 'anything' wrong with you, you've reached out on here and that's a great first step op.

Thank you all. I'm feeling calmer.. still very numb but calmer somehow.
Thank you for all of your messages, I've read every single one and appreciate them all.

I just think I've been trying to be strong for too long. I can't cope with everything going on.

DH has forgiven me. He's running me a bath with candles and has made a fire downstairs for later on. I am blessed to have him. It makes me feel even more guilty 😞

I am on fluoxetine and have recently started weekly counselling sessions.

I was just reading your thread and so pleased to see you feel a bit calmer. I think the context you are describing with work and TTC is a combination of very stressful life events and you are having a natural reaction to those situations. It's good that you have some medication and counselling, keep reaching our to the counsellor and GP and let your DH support you. You need to be really kind to yourself and remove as many expectations of yourself as possible as it sounds hard at the moment and there are elements out of your control that are amping up the pressure on you but you can't actually change them at the moment (whether redundancy occurs and how IVF goes). I hope that you find comfort and things start to feel better soon.

It’s great that you are feeling better tonight @themesmor .

Please go back to see your GP tomorrow Am and ask for an emergency appointment.
i suspect you’ll feel ‘better’tomorrow but you might still need to have your AD tweaked/some check up.

Fluox might not be the right drug for you. It can also cause suicidal ideation. Go back to gp and tell them everything. Dont feel guilty. Steps towards making things better are a great thing.

How long have you been on your medication and what is your dose?

I've been on them for years now, probably 5+ years

I'm so glad you're okay @themesmor
You have a lovely bath and relax.
Glad all is ok with DP too.

Go easy on yourself, sounds tough. I agree with others about checking on the meds. They can cause feelings you described.

Sorry you are feeling like this.
Are you doing things you actually want to do or things you think you should do?
Christmas shopping is my idea of hell. I can't stand busy places and would feel like you.
I think it's really easy to get swept up in the Instagram filter of certain experiences when it's not really like this.
The reality is you are away to go through a gruelling treatment. You don't have to put yourself under pressure to keep up with all the other stuff.

Do you need to be signed off your work? Or even just self cert for a week? You need to give yourself some headspace.

When you hit rock bottom OP, the only way is up.
I've been through despair and it will pass OP. One day it will be a memory and you will look back and be amazed at how far you've come.

Be kind to yourself OP. You obviously have some quite serious MH issues going on there that need treating with care and compassion by a specialist.
Please sort this before you bring an innocent baby into the picture, for both of you. But you are not mad, nor stupid, just sick and that is totally ok and fixable.
All the best.

@themesmor I am always curious when people make comments about harming themselves. What is the function of it? Whilst I understand that you may very well want compassion and empathy, that will not necessarily sort the actual problem at hand. Self-harming may seem helpful in the short term, but in the long-term it leaves you feeling terrible, and you get into patterns of behaviour that you cannot then get back out of. Avoid at all costs.

List what the actual problems are and then step by step write out how you are going to deal with them. Don't assume other people think this is easy, most of the time we are all winging it.

It sounds like you are trying to find something external to make you feel better when in fact I suspect nobody can do that for you. Nothing is "wrong" with you - you just struggle with emotions by the sound of it. People do. Having a thought of self-harm isn't a problem as long as you don't act on it which is free will. It's the same as having that weird idea of tripping up the old woman that is walking slowly! We all have those ?fantasies? but we don't have to act on them.

It sounds to me that you could need to up your dose. (obviously with the supervision of a doctor)

i hope you have managed to speak to your doctor. Can your husband go with you?

See if there is a Safe Haven near you that you could drop into. It's a friendly place to go (they are usually open in the evenings) and it's staffed by a qualified mental health professional. X

I have a telephone call with my DR today to discuss dosage and further support. I'm at work today, more redundancies happing around me. It's tough.

Sounds tough. Hope GP telephone call went ok. You've done really well to get stuck into work, good for you. Hope you've been feeling a bit better today.

How are you doing sweetie?

What an utterly useless post. Have you ever been in this sort of crisis. Think rational thought and making lists come to the fore? Erm no, usually not.

Funny though that if someone came on and said they had headaches and felt sick with them no one would have a problem with someone saying it might be migraines. But someone come on saying they're feeling constantly overwhelmed by life, couldn't cope with a busy shopping centre, gets very frustrated with themselves, feeling lost and confused without a clear plan in place, considers self harming and someone else recognises those traits in themselves and suggests they might possibly be ND - then they are castigated for being armchair diagnosticians. So fucking annoying. If you don't think they could possibly be ND and it's a ridiculous suggestion then at least explain why.

I also wondered about possible ASD OP, that feeling of being constantly overwhelmed is so familiar. But maybe you literally are just over whelmed and just have too much on your plate right now. Look at anything you can to take the pressure off - can you buy what you need to online, can dh pick up any other bits from the shops, can you make your weekends as chilled out as possible, can you offload some of how you are feeling to dh and/or some friends or family or someone like the Samaritans. You really need to be gentle with yourself and look after yourself, it's a good thing that you can't self harm! It doesn't mean you're a wimp at all. Be kinder to yourself, we all need lots of love and looking after no matter how old we are. x

How are you doing @themesmor I hope the Dr was helpful. I’ve read that some Anti depressants work less well over time. Hopefully a medication tweak / change will help you feel more able to cope. Take care of yourself x