Hi all,
This is going to be a long one to try and paint a full picture of the situation and if anyone can offer any advice - some details are outing but I need help.
I have an awful family and they made my pregnancy with my son hell, demanding an abortion when they found out, telling me every time they saw me how I wouldn't cope, would be an awful mother etc baring in mind I was 25 at the time, with a decent job, my own house and was married but they were awful - at 19 my dad forced me into an abortion which I understand as I was under his roof and what not but this time was completely different. On top of that my SIL was kind of making it unbearable because sadly she has PCOS and isn't sure if she can have children (her husband doesn't want them, unsure about her) and would text me awful things like it's unfair I could have a baby and well just ignoring my pregnancy at family gatherings and would sulk and leave the room if anyone mentioned it so everyone stopped mentioning it and it kinda felt like it was ignored by my husbands family - unfortunately on top of that I was suffering from HG and honestly most days I just wished the baby would go away and everyone would stop being so awful to me.
My son was born in jan 2021, I had to have an c section due to previous sexual trauma and around this time my dad got really poorly and I had to leave my son a lot to care for my dad, sit by his bedside etc and he died in march 2021 - I got really mentally unwell, I think it was a mixture of PND, grief and it's suspected I have BPD but I ended up spending a lot of time in bed, just basically on auto pilot and was just useless really. My husband came out of work to care for me and baby and he did the majority of the care of my son, he still does but in December of 21 I made an attempt on my life and had to go to a week of acute therapy.
In march 22 I found out I was pregnant, thought my periods had stopped due to stress but it was too late for an abortion so we had the baby four weeks ago - I'm trying my best but still really unwell - I do all the night feeds and try and spend more time with her.
My son hates me, he won't let me pick him up, won't let me help him with anything, occasionally let's me play. He genuinely loves his childminder more than he loves me (husband and I are both students now which is why he does to childminders) he just genuinely hates me and I don't blame him but I just feel really done and I know my baby will go the same way. My son is almost two and can't walk yet (low muscle tone) and may be on the ASD spectrum so needs loads of help but just won't let me do it, I try but he doesn't want me near him most of the time.
I was an outsider in my own family when I was little, my mum has learning difficulties possibly ASD and she was really awful to me, not maternal at all, I genuinely felt like she hates me my whole childhood and my dad was emotionally abusive and a narcissist I think and this family is going the same way, my children are going to hate me and I just know I don't belong anywhere.
I've spoken to a doctor and he suggested trauma therapy and to call this award winning therapy group - I did and they told me they weren't taking on so I messaged my doctor asking what now and I haven't had a reply in over a week.
I feel like it'll be less impactful on my children to have a dead mother than a mentally ill one. The older one won't notice I'm gone and the younger one won't even remember. They have a good dad, we have a decent life insurance policy that covers suicide (I checked) so it'll keep them financially okay until my husband can become qualified and can support them - who knows he might even find them a mother worth them.
I don't know why I'm posting this, I just wanted to put it somewhere. No one wants to help, I'm not worth it and I just feel very done.
Ill be safe from myself tonight as I know the baby needs feeding and my husband will be too tired to but I just don't know how much longer I can do this.
Thanks for reading - I'm sure I've missed loads out but you get the jist