My 2 year old genuinely hates me and I just feel done.

[BarelyBreathing]

Hi all,

This is going to be a long one to try and paint a full picture of the situation and if anyone can offer any advice - some details are outing but I need help.

I have an awful family and they made my pregnancy with my son hell, demanding an abortion when they found out, telling me every time they saw me how I wouldn't cope, would be an awful mother etc baring in mind I was 25 at the time, with a decent job, my own house and was married but they were awful - at 19 my dad forced me into an abortion which I understand as I was under his roof and what not but this time was completely different. On top of that my SIL was kind of making it unbearable because sadly she has PCOS and isn't sure if she can have children (her husband doesn't want them, unsure about her) and would text me awful things like it's unfair I could have a baby and well just ignoring my pregnancy at family gatherings and would sulk and leave the room if anyone mentioned it so everyone stopped mentioning it and it kinda felt like it was ignored by my husbands family - unfortunately on top of that I was suffering from HG and honestly most days I just wished the baby would go away and everyone would stop being so awful to me.

My son was born in jan 2021, I had to have an c section due to previous sexual trauma and around this time my dad got really poorly and I had to leave my son a lot to care for my dad, sit by his bedside etc and he died in march 2021 - I got really mentally unwell, I think it was a mixture of PND, grief and it's suspected I have BPD but I ended up spending a lot of time in bed, just basically on auto pilot and was just useless really. My husband came out of work to care for me and baby and he did the majority of the care of my son, he still does but in December of 21 I made an attempt on my life and had to go to a week of acute therapy.

In march 22 I found out I was pregnant, thought my periods had stopped due to stress but it was too late for an abortion so we had the baby four weeks ago - I'm trying my best but still really unwell - I do all the night feeds and try and spend more time with her.

My son hates me, he won't let me pick him up, won't let me help him with anything, occasionally let's me play. He genuinely loves his childminder more than he loves me (husband and I are both students now which is why he does to childminders) he just genuinely hates me and I don't blame him but I just feel really done and I know my baby will go the same way. My son is almost two and can't walk yet (low muscle tone) and may be on the ASD spectrum so needs loads of help but just won't let me do it, I try but he doesn't want me near him most of the time.

I was an outsider in my own family when I was little, my mum has learning difficulties possibly ASD and she was really awful to me, not maternal at all, I genuinely felt like she hates me my whole childhood and my dad was emotionally abusive and a narcissist I think and this family is going the same way, my children are going to hate me and I just know I don't belong anywhere.

I've spoken to a doctor and he suggested trauma therapy and to call this award winning therapy group - I did and they told me they weren't taking on so I messaged my doctor asking what now and I haven't had a reply in over a week.

I feel like it'll be less impactful on my children to have a dead mother than a mentally ill one. The older one won't notice I'm gone and the younger one won't even remember. They have a good dad, we have a decent life insurance policy that covers suicide (I checked) so it'll keep them financially okay until my husband can become qualified and can support them - who knows he might even find them a mother worth them.

I don't know why I'm posting this, I just wanted to put it somewhere. No one wants to help, I'm not worth it and I just feel very done.

Ill be safe from myself tonight as I know the baby needs feeding and my husband will be too tired to but I just don't know how much longer I can do this.

Thanks for reading - I'm sure I've missed loads out but you get the jist

Your 2 year old does not hate you. Your children and your DH love you and need you.

Please get support for your mental health and stay for them.

Can you speak to your health visitor about PND too.

I'm sorry OP, this is a lot to deal with - but I'm going to be very honest with you. Suicide is never the answer.

I have family members who lost their mum to suicide when they were babies. There is no recovery. It has coloured every moment of their lives and relationships. They are fundamentally broken by an incomprehensible loss, and by knowing that their mum struggled with PND and that their birth was the thing that broke her.

You can keep trying to get support. If you have to, you can ask for a voluntary fostering or short term arrangement for your babies while you stabilise and so you can feel more comfortable with your son's care, but - kindly but firmly - you remain the person whose welfare now decides every aspect of their lives. It is your responsibility to them to try to look forward to a time when things may feel different and to work toward it.

Please ring the Samaritans and keep ringing them until you have help and a way forward.

Op, I had a 20 month age gap between my two children and I went through a very similar experience with my eldest when the baby was born. I'd been a sahm since he was born and so had done the majority of the care for him and we'd been extremely close. Then the baby was born and my older one wanted absolutely nothing to do with me, he genuinely couldn't even bear to be in the same room as me. It honestly is a very normal reaction when you have less than 2 years between children, people don't talk about it often but I know other women who have experienced the same feelings of hatred and rejection from their young children when a new baby is born. So please please don't do anything drastic or final. I promise it does pass. Your older child is still so little and he just doesn't know how to express his emotions or process the massive change in his life. Honestly, please just give it time and I promise it will improve. In the meantime please keep trying to get the help you need

You need more outside assistance.

1. Call health visitor ask for contact details of organisations like homestart to send regular people round, even just to have cup of tea.
2. Your DS Loves you, just now how you recognise it. It would damage him beyond repair to loose you.
3. An ASD child can still love, they just act and show it differently
4. Toddler stage is tough even for neurotypical toddlers

You've had an unbelievable shit dealing of life cards, you need help on how to play them xxxx

Hi BarelyBreathing,

We're sorry to hear how tough things are right now so wanted to share this our web-guides with you.
We hope it may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Mental Health page.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

Many moons ago I was sectioned because of PND/psychotic depression. At the time I thought it was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. It wasn't, it was the illness I was listening to. Now I am grateful because it saved me from taking my life and my children from losing their mother.
Incidentally the child I had had and was most ill after (I had varying degrees after each one) is also autistic and whilst I know he wasn't the cause of the PND I do think it contributed to it. It's difficult parenting a child who appears indifferent to you but also needs a lot of extra support. Ask the childminder what sorts of things he enjoys doing there and try grabbing five minutes joining him in something he enjoys. It can and will get better, speak to your MH team let them know just how ill you feel.

I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling this awful @BarelyBreathing

Please go see your GP tomorrow. Please Make an emergency appointment

Please as You need to tell your GP how you're thinking because your brain is tricking you, no one will be better off if you weren't here. Thinking that Suicide is an answer terribly shitty place to be feeling.

Please ring Samaritans tonight when you're up and on your own - sob in the phone to them, then make a plan you will go see your GP.

The GP Surgery will have a local mental well-being crisis teams can send out to you, to be there and talk to you. They really are super - I know colleagues in them.

You need to tell your partner too. The crisis team can help you with those difficult conversations. Or you can just say it or show him what you wrote.

This will pass - you won't always feel like this- but it is the most horrible place to be in and you must tell someone so that you get support to get through it and climb your way out if it - you need a leg up right now.

I think everyone reading your post will break their heart a little for you- none of us want you to feel this low and terribly sad. It sounds like severe depression - an illness that can be helped and treated to improve . It's not you.

www.samaritans.org/
Call 116 123 free

Your 2 year old may well be jealous of the baby.

OP I am sorry you have been through so much, and that it is so hard to get support at the moment.

You are worthy of that support, worthy of love.

Hold tight to your DH, he sounds like a diamond.

Do you have a HV at present, as you have had a baby so recently? Talk to her.

It’s good you posted. Many women have been where you are, it’s not just you, you are not some kind of aberration, you are a human being needing help to cope with a lot.

But you are very definitely the best Mummy for your toddler, whatever his contrary toddler behaviour looks like just now!

I’m sorry I can’t offer much advice on the mental health side of things but I can identify with some of what you have said.

When my DD was 2/3 she would reject me, say she hates me, doesn’t love me, she only loves daddy! It was heartbreaking at the time but I didn’t realise this is quite common. Also she never wants to accept help. She appreciates me much more now she understands and is a bit older and I know she loves me.

My DS is now 3 and he is definitely not a hugger, I very very rarely get any hugs and he also will say he doesn’t like me and he likes daddy better. He also won’t accept help with anything!

If you continue to show them love and support them as you are doing, I promise they will love you xx

Not sure I can add anything new to this post that hasn't already been said, but I'm so sorry for everything you are going through. Please stick it out, I know you are feeling terrible at the moment but it doesn't have to always be this way. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Does your husband know how you are feeling? He sounds supportive, do you feel able to talk to him if you haven't already?
Your child does not hate you. Not a chance. Children, especially toddlers can be absolutely awful sometimes but this is no reflection on you.
Get some mental health support, call Samaritans, go on the Mind website and look for ways they might be able to support or help you. Speak to your doctor about possible medication and push for a referral to the community mental health team in your area. You don't have to go through this alone, there are agencies that can help.
My mum died when I was a child. Not by suicide, but the death has had a profound impact on me and my mental health, as well as on my brother who has severe addiction issues. I am in my late thirties now and I am still dealing with the fallout my mums death had on me, thirty years on. I can't even imagine how much more impacted I'd be if my mum had killed herself, it doesn't bear thinking about. Your children will not be better off without you, believe me. They need you. I hope you can get through this OP, you deserve to be happy and your children deserve to have their mother around.

Tell your DH how bad you are feeling. Phone Samaritans and tell them too. Go to see your gp tomorrow morning with or without an appointment and tell reception you.must see gp because you are feeling suicidal. Your children do not hate you. We hen you are feeling so bad your brain tricks you into believing things that are not in true. You need medication to help you. Your DH loves you so much he gave up his job to care for you. Your children need you. Try and to bond with new baby. Ask childminder what older son likes. Ask her to help you to play with him. Your wider family sound toxic. Keep well away from them.

So, so sorry to hear you are having such a shit time OP.I think you've had some fantastic advice upthread, particularly the poster who suggested asking the CM about things he likes doing and seeing if you can join in.

I don't know you - but I do know,without a shadow of a doubt, their lives will NOT be better if you aren't there with them.

My eldest, now 10, has ASD and these were nightmare years for me. But things are SO much better now and he's my easiest child to parent. Feel free to PM if ever you'd like a rant x

Sweetheart I used to think this about my children. I felt worthless, that they hated me and that my DH had done everything and that what was the point of me being around. My children are now a few years older and they love me more than anything, I can’t imagine life without them. It will pass, your son and family need you and love you.

please call the Samaritans and speak to them. You can absolutely get through this ❤️

I don’t have much to add to PPs advice, but lost my mum as a teenager. Please give yourself a break, your wider family sound very toxic so ignore their contributions and try to forget their previous ones. I very much doubt your son hates you, but I can understand that it must feel that way. I think PPs have given some good advice in this respect.

I have no doubt that you are loved and you are so important to your young family. You also need help, please keep looking for it, you can recover from the way you feel right now.

Oh OP, I just want to give you a massive hug. It sounds like you've had an incredibly tough time and you are in a really tough phase right now too. Having a newborn and a toddler is absolutely brutal. Toddlers find it super tricky too when a sibling comes along and often experience regressions in behaviour at this point. I know this probably isn't helping - but I suppose what I'm trying to say is it right now it is very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But eventually things will start getting easier and you will be able to wade through the haze of newborn + toddler parenting, hormones and trauma to start to see that light.

You need help and I really hope you will get the help you need 💐 - I can hear that you care, you want to break the cycle. Your little ones love you unconditionally and it is absolutely not too late to invest in your relationship with yourself and your DCs. They are sooooo little - rupture and repair is key.

Please call your HV or local perinatal team tomorrow and tell them that you are having a mental health crisis. They can put support in place including a nursery nurse who can support with building on your bond with your DC (if that's what you think you might need).

Just to reiterate, mental health aside, this is a tough, tough phase. Lack of sleep, hormones, birth recovery, tending to a newborn and dealing with a toddler who has just had their world rocked. Add on top of that your past trauma, mental health difficulties and all the other things in the mix. You are not alone, it WILL get easier. It is okay to find things difficult. Please stay - you are important - you are special and you can and WILL get through this. Massive hugs to you 💙.

Hello, OP. We've moved your thread over to our Mental Health topic now - we hope you get some good support there.
Take care.

OP, I’m so sorry you’re struggling so much. When we have children it stirs up things from our past. Your challenging relationship with your family and the fact you think you have BPD points to complex childhood trauma. This will be being activated now that you are a mother and vulnerable.

Please know that your son does not actually hate you. His response is totally normal and actually a sign he is very attached to you. It is very disrupting to gain a sibling. It takes time but he will recover. Let him hate now, let him know it won’t destroy you, that you will be there for him despite his rage.

You are very vulnerable at the moment, your hormones will not be helping your MH. Please give yourself a few months for this to settle down, don’t make my rash decisions. Be there for your baby and your son.

I really hope you get the help you need and deserve. X

Hi OP

This is such a difficult time that you're going through. Not just now but it sounds like your whole life has been so traumatic. I can completely understand why that might have made relationships and emotions a bit tricky. You've not done anything wrong or asked for any of this to happen to you. You've survived so much and it sounds like you're absolutely doing the best you can.

I know why it feels like your baby hates you but babies aren't capable of those feelings. Your baby doesn't hate you, they are just being a baby and seeking things that are familiar. But I get why it feels that way. I respectfully think from your description that you may well have PND again and that you and your family deserve and need help and support.

Please go back to your GP and ask to be referred to your local Perinatal Mental Health Service. I know sometimes MH services get a bad press due to limited resources but they are amazing. They will be working with hundreds of women with similar experiences, many of whom will also have a complex trauma history (including diagnoses like EUPD/BPD). They will have lots of ways they can help and will also be able to link you with other organisations that can give you support too. They might suggest ways of trying to support you in the here and now with the immediate crisis as well thinking with you about the more medium to long term interventions that might be useful.

If your GP isn't an option then usually your Health Visitor can also refer you, as can your midwife if you still have contact with them. It should be a really straightforward process. I wish you and your family all the best x

Hello,

I hope today is a better day for you. Time is a great healer, I was walking my son down the beach the other day breathing in the sea air watching him on his scooter thinking god, I remember all those years ago I didn’t want to be here. But life changes so much.

the only good thing when your at your lowest, the only way is up. It’s very hard to get yourself out of that hole and impossible to see the positives but slowly but surely they come.

Your children don’t hate you, I think maybe because you are feeling down and had an unhappy childhood your worried history will repeat itself but your children are too young to know what you’ve been through. They just know your their mum.

Good luck ❤️