Name changed so not linked to other posts and it's probably a rambley one but I'll try
Essentially, mentally there is something wrong with me. I've been medicated for depression most of my adult life but feel that keeps me on an even keel although (as with anyone I presume) I have good days and bad days, sometimes get a bit grumpy or irritable but generally feel (felt) like I'm a nice person.
But I just keep having people tell me I'm doing things wrong
Met with family yesterday, I was tired and probably a bit short at times, I know it's not ok, family were a bit snippy too but nothing too out of the ordinary I didn't think
Get a long text from my sister today about how she needs to address my attitude/behaviour and goes on to tell me it was awful spending time with me yesterday and my behaviour and attitude was awful.
Now here's where I get worried that I'm just a shit person. I know I was tired and a bit ratty but I honestly wasn't expecting this "telling off" from her.
I explained to her I'm sorry but I felt really excluded and unwelcomed yesterday, like I'd been invited over but no-one seemed to want me there. I told her I was feeling this way and a few things that made me feel that way to which she said I'm (always) making excuses and trying to justify my behaviour. I was really upset by this and told her I wasn't trying to do that, just explain how I feel sometimes (unwanted, second best, like I don't matter because of things that are said. No one really included me in conversation yesterday, my sister's favourite meal was cooked, they were all talking about things that didn't involve me) but she maintened I just can't accept I need to change
I don't want anyone to not like me or avoid me so I asked her what specifically I had said/done yesterday as I really didn't know what would warrant such a conversation, and I felt terrible that I couldn't recognise this, to which she basically said this is the problem, that I don't know what I am doing/behaviour isn't right.
I mentioned I feel this way due to something that happened last year still playing on my mind and she tells me I'm dragging up the past and need professional help
I told her I honestly didn't know what she was referring to, I genuinely didn't, and that I can't address anything about my behaviour if I don't know what she's referring to.
I just feel like a terrible person. I feel worse that she's sent me a big long message the next day and didn't just "call me out" at the time
And worst of all is that in my head my "go-to" is always that I could just kill myself. I can't deal with criticism at the best of times, I'm terrible at work and dwell on the one thing flagged for improvement in my appraisal and yet I don't consider myself suicidal but I just feel like in my head that's an option.
That when my sister tells me she doesn't understand what's wrong with me and I need to address it instead of making excuses (which I honestly wasn't trying to do, just explain why I feel how I do) I just think that's an option
That there is something wrong with me.
That I'm not a nice person
That I have had meetings at work about how I'm too loud or interrupt people and I really try my best but then a year or so later the same thing comes up in my appraisaly.
That I feel it's something inherently "me" that's the problem
I think (thought) I'm a nice person, I try to be. I always reach out to people to stay in touch, to see how they are doing. I'm always there for people so why have I spent most of today crying and hating myself.
No votes or really AIBU I just needed to get out there that I feel so hopeless
I want honest advice but please try to be tactful with it because o feel so incredibly fragile at the moment