WhatIsSoWrongWithMe

[WhatIsSoWrongWithMe]

Name changed so not linked to other posts and it's probably a rambley one but I'll try

Essentially, mentally there is something wrong with me. I've been medicated for depression most of my adult life but feel that keeps me on an even keel although (as with anyone I presume) I have good days and bad days, sometimes get a bit grumpy or irritable but generally feel (felt) like I'm a nice person.
But I just keep having people tell me I'm doing things wrong

Met with family yesterday, I was tired and probably a bit short at times, I know it's not ok, family were a bit snippy too but nothing too out of the ordinary I didn't think

Get a long text from my sister today about how she needs to address my attitude/behaviour and goes on to tell me it was awful spending time with me yesterday and my behaviour and attitude was awful.

Now here's where I get worried that I'm just a shit person. I know I was tired and a bit ratty but I honestly wasn't expecting this "telling off" from her.

I explained to her I'm sorry but I felt really excluded and unwelcomed yesterday, like I'd been invited over but no-one seemed to want me there. I told her I was feeling this way and a few things that made me feel that way to which she said I'm (always) making excuses and trying to justify my behaviour. I was really upset by this and told her I wasn't trying to do that, just explain how I feel sometimes (unwanted, second best, like I don't matter because of things that are said. No one really included me in conversation yesterday, my sister's favourite meal was cooked, they were all talking about things that didn't involve me) but she maintened I just can't accept I need to change

I don't want anyone to not like me or avoid me so I asked her what specifically I had said/done yesterday as I really didn't know what would warrant such a conversation, and I felt terrible that I couldn't recognise this, to which she basically said this is the problem, that I don't know what I am doing/behaviour isn't right.
I mentioned I feel this way due to something that happened last year still playing on my mind and she tells me I'm dragging up the past and need professional help

I told her I honestly didn't know what she was referring to, I genuinely didn't, and that I can't address anything about my behaviour if I don't know what she's referring to.

I just feel like a terrible person. I feel worse that she's sent me a big long message the next day and didn't just "call me out" at the time

And worst of all is that in my head my "go-to" is always that I could just kill myself. I can't deal with criticism at the best of times, I'm terrible at work and dwell on the one thing flagged for improvement in my appraisal and yet I don't consider myself suicidal but I just feel like in my head that's an option.

That when my sister tells me she doesn't understand what's wrong with me and I need to address it instead of making excuses (which I honestly wasn't trying to do, just explain why I feel how I do) I just think that's an option
That there is something wrong with me.
That I'm not a nice person
That I have had meetings at work about how I'm too loud or interrupt people and I really try my best but then a year or so later the same thing comes up in my appraisaly.
That I feel it's something inherently "me" that's the problem

I think (thought) I'm a nice person, I try to be. I always reach out to people to stay in touch, to see how they are doing. I'm always there for people so why have I spent most of today crying and hating myself.

No votes or really AIBU I just needed to get out there that I feel so hopeless

I want honest advice but please try to be tactful with it because o feel so incredibly fragile at the moment

Have you been on the same medication or dosage all this time ?

I think you need to speak to your GP as I think you are still depressed and highly anxious which is apparent to everyone except yourself. You sound like you are coping but not living

Have you ever looked into whether you might have ADHD or ASD OP? Similar story here and I've heard these kind of stories time and time again from adults with undiagnosed neurodevelopmental conditions.

No, I've had my medication reviewed and the drug/dosage changed many times over the years.

I just don't understand how my sister can call out terrible behaviour of mine and I don't even know what she is referring to. I feel like a terrible person

I have read some things lately making me consider ADHD or some form of autism maybe but don't even know where to begin or what the point would be. I'd still be the same person doing the wrong stuff

I feel like I dont know who I am. I can't deal with changes, I need things planned, I have to have things organised but other times leave everything to get on top of me at home. I get overwhelmed a lot of the time. I'm trying so hard not to interrupt people since my manager brought it up, but the more I try the more I notice other people always interrupting or talking over me or others and don't know how to confront that without coming across rude
I can't stand people eating with their mouths open which was another thing that frustrated me yesterday, food sounds drive me mad. My husband just started smoking again which I can't stand.
I was asked to cover work for a colleague on long term sick and for once said "no" that I didn't feel I could take on the full volume of work but made to feel bad about that.
Went on a course "staying positive in stressful situations" and this was assumed to "fix" the issue so next time I could not say no

I'm going off on one sorry, but we are told to respect boundaries, say no, know our limits but I feel whenever I stand up for myself I'm in the wrong

Also I feel like my Dr just thinks the solution to my depression when I am not coping is to sign me off work which makes me even more stressed about how they'll manage/the pressure I'm putting on others, without doing anything to solve the problem

If you do feel suicidal and have ideas about it please do speak to someone in real life. The Samaritans are there to help and have a free phone line 24 / 7. It can take a while for them to pick up so do wait on the line and keep on trying.
Hours: Available 24 hours.
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I am sorry and sad to hear your mind is troubled and you feel sad. You won't feel this way for ever and the intensity of feelings reduce with time. Do get the support you are comfortable with and need.

You are NOT a terrible person.

When I'm overtired, or overstressed, or over anxious, I can get ratty without realising. And it sounds like you are all three. Was your DH with you, and does he have the same opinion as your DS?

Maybe your sister is malicious? Maybe she’s not the adjudicator of the emotional universe. Maybe she’s full of shit?

Perhaps you’re the family scapegoat?

Your workplace sounds difficult.

What’s the phrase…attributed (falsely) to Freud: “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.”

Also very dumb of your sister to, in the same breath, tell you to get help and stop dragging up the past. Most therapeutic support will involve thought about your past - childhood, patterns etc.

It's hard to explain, I don't feel as if I will, just that I could if I felt worse about things and couldn't deal with them

Nope, DH was home watching football so only heard my upset brief summary when he got in tonight

Thank you, you've made me smile at least

Parts of me wondered if my sister is just "being picky" but then we have always been so close I find it just as hard to accept criticism of her as myself

My mum won't talk about a situation like this as she feels it's taking sides or she says it's between us or she doesn't want to "get involved"

Thanks for responses so far

This emotional outpouring has finally worn me out so might finally sleep

Will check in tomorrow
Thanks for the anonymous sounding board

You would still be you and exploring those things affect everyone differently, but for me it made a major difference to my life. Not instantly I might add, but over time, as I started to reframe how I viewed me. When you spend your entire life knowing something is off, but not quite knowing what, and yet everybody around you is insisting that you are, let me see...

Precious
Deliberately obtuse
Rude
Exasperating
Loud
Doing it wrong
etc

You start believing it. It must be you, everyone can't be wrong. Even therapy is something you are doing wrong, why can't you just be like everyone else, you are just a huge fuck up that can't function and nobody will ever love. It's hugely damaging and traumatic, and finding out how your own brain works and how this might cope differently with the world and this difference is real and not just in your head can be hugely validating, even if nothing else changes. There's also a big online community full of people and specifically women in this case who are like you and can make you feel less alone and confused. Then there are more practical things such as medication etc, but those may or may not help.

Of course, I cannot say that you have a neurodevelopmental condition or that this is something you should look into and I wrote the above mainly from my own experience to be clear, but the things you've said in your post felt very familiar to my own experiences of feeling confused about doing it wrong without understanding what I was doing, or what that was supposed to mean. Regardless of what is going on though OP, keep talking and keep sharing about how you are feeling and how you are not coping. Don't be alone, virtual hug from me.

OP, I'm autistic and alot of what you have written I recognise. Might be worth asking your GP for a referral to be assessed?

Utterly brilliant post from @Whosedogisitanyway - posts like these are the very best of MN.

OP, I'm another voice sending sympathy and also strongly advising pursuing a diagnosis, I think it might be exactly what you need. Good luck

Op, I am 37, I am autistic and have 3 autistic children. I know a thing or two when it comes to ASD.
Can I ask, do you feel tired after being around people too much? Can it make you feel drained?
From reading your post, you sound very matter of fact, to the point, black is black and white is white, this is just a fact, it's not a bad way to be.
Females are overlooked all the time for ASD and can be mostly Mia diagnosed with many other mental health illness. This is very common unfortunately.
Socialising can be difficult.
Do you prefer to have a conversation one on one with someone, and do you find a conversation with more than two people difficult?
Your "go to" suicidal thoughts is also
Very common for autistic women to express even though we are not suicidal, we can often have extreme responses to criticism, we also cannot cope well with feeling trapped so therefor we have our "go to " in our minds.
OP there is a lot of red flags in your post that indicate highly to me that you are possibly autistic and because you have never received support, life is very difficult for you.
The good news is that there is nothing wrong with you. Being autistic is just how your mind works and it works wonderfully. Problems for autistic people are caused by the environment around them. Too loud, too many people, too many lights, too much expectations placed on them. Your senses are overwhelmed and over stimulated, that's when you need time out on your own without speaking ri anytime untill you feel recharged. This is true for all
Autistic people or else we will be irritated, snappy, exhausted, uncomfortable etc..
You need to read up about Females on the spectrum as it presents very differently than autism in men.

@Whosedogisitanyway thank you so much for your post - I read it and it sounded like you knew me, it sounds exactly like me. I woke up dreading reading new responses in case people just confirmed that I am just awful but reading what you wrote made so much sense to me

@frostie652 @diffandproud @Luckingfovely also your words are so kind and helpful

I feel like maybe I'm not just a mean person, I will definitely persue what you have recommended, starting with reading up, and building myself up to see my GP

Honestly, all of you, I can't thank you enough for your kind words (flowers)

I have a fed who is like you OP and she's being referred for an autism diagnosis as an adult. As others have said, women are misdiagnosed or under diagnosed because we are very good at masking the behaviours around others. I am also autistic as are most of my family.

How old are you OP? Around 25 I had to learn to not talk over people and to moderate my impulses a bit after a similar confrontation by a family member. My friend at the moment is struggling with her own issues that sound quite similar - she can be unaware of others when she is talking. Social queues can be difficult. She also gets sensory overload from noises and smells and people eating whereas I don't as much.

Definitely worth speaking to your gp and asking for a referral.

Friend not fed!

But also may just be that you have some people around you who are challenging/ it could be that you need some support with communication skills, could be so many other aspects - definitely don't be down on yourself

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].
Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.
We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Thank you all including @HeidiMumsnet
I appreciate the links but don't need them just yet

I've tried to distract myself from the whole thing today but am going to revisit in Thursday with a break from it all and a clear head and hopefully decent sleep behind me