PTSD - will I be like this forever?

[Pleasehelpstruggling]

I’m currently sat here sobbing my heart out. I have PTSD and I can’t cope with the guilt, shame, embarrassment, regret I feel. I have flashbacks of the trauma. I can’t eat or sleep, when I do get some sleep I wake up in a panic and it hits me all over again.

I am in such a state I don’t know how I’m ever going to get over it. I just want to sleep forever.

is there any hope that I will get better? Is there a way to live with guilt and shame? I can’t see a way out of this hell I’m feeling.

I can’t talk to anyone about my PTSD. Some know what happened but don’t know the extent or that Its affected me so badly. Others don’t know the truth. I’m absolutely distraught. I force myself to put on a brave face, times when I will see people on the school run or when I’m trying to parent, the rest of the time I’m sobbing, i try not to let the kids see me like this, but I quietly cry just putting the washing on. At night I’m in tears and shaking and my heart races. I don’t work as I can’t cope. Panic attacks are often.

can anyone please help? I can’t afford private help, and my GP surgery has people I know working there so they’ll access my file in future and I can’t bare the added shame of them knowing I have this. I have destroyed my life, how do I get over this??

I have PTSD from childhood trauma. The thing that saved me was a brilliant psychologist. My GP referred me to psychiatrist who reviewed my meds then referred me to psychology. I worked with her for about a year with firstly weekly sessions, then fortnightly, then monthly. I can't praise her enough, she has changed my life. I still can't reduce my meds as I struggle when I do but I'm so much more stable and happy. Your first step is your GP. I know people at my surgery but they are professionals (I work in the nhs and see info about people I know but it is all treated respectfully and professionally).

You deserve help and a bright future, be brave and ask for support. No one will judge you, they are there to help. Be strong.

Can you get a referral through victim support? The thing that works best for PTSD is EMDR, you no longer need to describe the event, just need to think about it.
There is an EMDR association which gives details of therapists.

First of all, I am so sorry you are feeling like this. I do need to say though that you absolutely have not ruined your life. You do not give yourself PTSD. PTSD is the result of what was done to you and there is nothing wrong with you. The shame you feel is real but it is misplaced. It’s the lie of PTSD. The blame here does not lie with you. It really really doesn’t.

shame is the most horrible horrible emotion. It penetrates so deeply. Having PTSD is nothing to be ashamed of. I have it. It has controlled my life for the past few years mainly due to the depth of shame I felt and sometimes still feel. But - I am working my way out of it, slowly, very, very slowly. I also felt like I couldn’t ask for help, was scared of the judgement but I got to a place where I didn’t want to live anymore. I couldn’t cope with the flashbacks, the body memories and trauma responses that were showing up in every area of my life. The nightmares at night and the panic attacks and the constant hyper vigilance were torture. I decided I had nothing to lose.
I did reach out to my GP. She was incredibly understanding and supported my while I waited for help. I did eventually seek private help due to the time limited nature of the NHS help and I am now 3 years into my therapy with a lovely therapist who is helping me to get my life back.

If you can find it in you to reach out for help please do. Perhaps a charity like Mind or Supporting Minds or something related to whatever caused your trauma? There are resources and places out there that can help. Please don’t keep suffering alone. You really can get your life back. You can process this trauma and be released from the power of shame and you can heal.
It isn’t easy but it is absolutely worth it. I never believed I’d ever have the quality of life that I have now again. I promise you there’s hope. It may take a few tries to find the right help but it is there.

I'm so sorry you went through this!
I had PTSD from a trauma (I won't say in case it's triggering) and I found life getting harder over time and like you, I was getting flashbacks, panic attacks and I was so depressed.
I
found a free therapy service for my specific trauma. It was a few months wait but my therapist was lovely and so patient with me. After a few months with her, I felt a bit better but I was still struggling so she told me she offered hypnotherapy and asked if I'd like to try it.
We did a month long course of hypnotherapy and it has changed my life.

I no longer think about my trauma all the time and I honestly feel as though I can be happy again. I 100% would recommend it to anyone!

Sending you hugs x

It's certainly possible to feel better, and there are services that can help you, though currently availability isn't fantastic… unfortunately most of those are either accessed through your GP, or (like IAPT) will want to communicate with your GP if you self-refer. Charities may be a possible route.

For now, depending on the kind of area you live in, are there any other GP surgeries covering the area you live? If so you should be able to find them at www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp and switch practices, which opens things up for you if you really feel it's impossible to talk about this at your current practice.

It's also potentially possible to register with a GP that you're out of area for, if the surgery agrees to that and it's somewhere you can get to (I'm aware that's not always possible in some parts of the country depending on your transport options). There's info here www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/gps/registering-with-a-gp-outside-your-area/ about that. The GP surgery doesn't have to agree to it, but you have a good reason for asking so it might be worth a try.

Cbt therapist here op and I've worked with many people who make a full recovery from ptsd. You should be able to access cbt or sone services also offer emdr on the nhs. Both are as effective a treatment for ptsd, you can get beyond this, good luck xx

I could have written this 3 years ago OP, I know how much you must be suffering and how hard it must be for you. It’s like torture isn’t it.
I didn’t think i would ever get better, but it is possible. It’s possible to feel human again.
What I would say is you absolutely cannot do this alone, the intensity of your symptoms may lessen over time but they won’t go, they’ll always be there unless you get proper treatment. PTSD doesn’t go away on it’s own unfortunately.
I’ve had really successful CBT, and there are other therapies that might also be suitable for you. Please find a way to get help and when you’re ready try and access treatment.
None of it is your fault, someone did this to you, you didn’t ask for it, you didn’t cause it. You deserve to get better, and it is possible.
If you need please PM me, I absolutely know how hard even living minute to minute can be, I hear you.

Thank you so much for the replies, and for the hugs. I feel such deep hate for myself and you’re all so kind to me in your replies.

The trauma was caused by me, it didnt affect anyone else and I didn’t do anything to someone, something happened that was totally my fault, and im struggling to live with the shame and guilt of it. I hate myself.

Does EMDR actually work? I think I need medication but I also have health anxiety which I’ve had for many years and manage it myself. It’s been ok for a while but side effects of any medication would tip me over the edge. Feeling sick or having an upset stomach sets me off into a spiral anyway and that on top of this would destroy me.

Im not in catchment for any other GP surgeries sadly. I live in a village with just 1 that feeds into it.

I almost contacted a charity last night via text but I couldn’t bring myself to say what was wrong. I’m so ashamed and feel pathetic. I really have done this to myself I’m the only one to blame.

I don't know if I can help you, but I can explain how I help people with trauma.

When a traumatic event happens (which doesn't always equate to something everyone would find traumatic - a car crash for example affects some people deeply, others not at all) your mind recognises it as a threat to your happiness and safety. It will therefore 'assign' a part of your subconscious to figure out what happened in order to avoid it ever happening again.

This part (what I call a member of your crew) examines every aspect of the event to try and and make sense of it; what happened, how it happened, what you could have done differently, the aftermath, etc. That's where your flashbacks and dreams come from. If - as if often the case - there is no rational explanation, because whatever happened was just so random; or that people involved are unavailable or unwilling to explain their roles, the crew member will just keep in a loop of looking for answers, reason and rationale. We call it the "unsolvable puzzle."

Imagine if I gave you a box containing a jigsaw. It's supposed to contains the full picture of your trauma but there are pieces missing, it got mixed up with another jigsaw over the intervening time and a can of white paint also got in there. Would you try to make it work anyway or would you recognise that it wasn't ever going to be a complete picture and throw it away?

In remedial hypnosis I talk to that part of your mind that's running around the hamster wheel, getting nowhere but creating massive distress in the process. I would explain in the same terms as I have here and ask it to stop trying to find an answer to the unexplainable. Your mind is only looking for strategies for the most happiness so, by letting it know it's damaging your current happiness it will simply stop.

One client described it as if the traumatic events in her life had been covered in oil and any attempt to grasp it ended up with it harmlessly slipping through her fingers. This took just three sessions.

I trained with Tim Box - here is his video on the subject;

HTH.

I’m really sorry you think it’s your fault. That is a heavy weight to carry. If it really was your fault (and I would still guess that it wasn’t but I don’t want to undermine you) there is nothing that you could have done that is that bad. You say it didn’t impact anyone else. I could be wrong, but I genuinely believe if you could just find an outlet for this, it would lift a weight from your shoulders. You really do deserve a better life. Therapists are there to listen with no judgement at all. I honestly believed that my trauma was my fault. I carried that belief for almost 30 years. I remember opening up about it for the first time and beginning to unravel over a series of sessions how it was not my fault. I never felt judged. I felt supported and validated and found a way eventually to realise that it was not my fault. It was the hardest thing I ever said but once it was done, the relief was life changing!

What I also would like to add that whilst there are many different types of therapy for trauma, each person responds differently. CBT was absolutely no good for me and neither was EMDR. What I needed was someone who worked relationally and most of ny healing has come from the relationship rather than any ‘technique’. I do however know people that have had amazing results from EMDR. CBT is the go to NHS solution and I don’t know anyone who’s found it useful for trauma - that doesn’t mean it’s not.

I wish you all the very best OP. Sending hugs.

If you can't change GP surgeries, and there are people working there you don't want to see anything on your records, that does make things more awkward, though there are still I think some charities that can help. There are laws in place to stop staff accessing anything without a good reason, and requiring them to keep anything they do see confidential, and as far as I'm aware it's likely that all they would see would be something like an entry stating you have PTSD or perhaps some specific symptoms, but I can understand why it's still stressful for you.

I'm not qualified in anything so feel free to take all this with a massive pinch of salt, but it sounds like the overwhelming feelings of shame are the main thing currently preventing you getting help, to the point where you can't even put it in a text. Is it possible that you could get used to saying what you're struggling with by talking with an anonymous service, like SHOUT text crisis service, or the Samaritans, so that you can get used to the feeling of telling someone in a no-consequences way, someone you're never going to have to have anything to do with again?

You're all being very kind and I thank you so much. It is the shame that I’m finding the worst thing to deal with I think yes.

My health and general anxiety I’m not ashamed of and I did seek help for that a number of years ago. I had a year of CBT which alongside avoidance helps me manage. This trauma however I’m so consumed with that I can’t see what’s rational and what’s not. My husband thinks my feelings are disproportionate to the trauma, but honestly it feels horrendous and I can’t imagine feeling any worse.

I love my family so very much and I’m desperate to get better for them.

I will look into EMDR and see if I can access it somehow without my GP. I don’t think CBT will help this time but I wonder if hypnotherapy might be worth looking into too.

Does anyone have any experience of medication for this? Is there anything that would help or does it just mask it and when you come off it, the trauma and effects come back?

EMDR can be fantastically helpful for PTSD. Highly recommend that you speak to a GP or find a way to access it privately even if it means cutting other expenses back to the bone.

And it was SHOUT that I almost text last night. The thought of having to give them details made me shake and I got upset so I stopped. The Flashbacks are awful

Op emdr and cbt most defiantly work. I've seen it with my own eyes across many different types of trauma. It sounds like you would really benefit from speaking to someone, it will really help the guilt and shame you hold. A good therapist will be able to help you move through this and beyond 🙂

Op in cbt we do a specific form of cbt, trauma focused cbt so if all you can access is cbt it will still work xx

How many sessions of EMDR is normally required? To reduce my health anxiety took a year of fortnightly CBT. I definitely couldn’t afford that many sessions if I go privately. And with the waiting list so long for NHS I’m not sure what state I’ll be in by the time I get treatment, I’m a crumbling mess who’s barely functioning as it is.

How is trauma cbt different to normal
cbt? I can’t bare the thought of talking about what happened, but I understand maybe that’s what I need to do. I just want to block it out

Complex PTSD from childhood trauma here - I had 20 sessions of EMDR (fortunate to get this on nhs) and it has totally, yet really subtly changed my life. I was running on adrenaline for years and very gradually, over the 20 weeks of treatment, my body processed experiences differently. I stopped being anxious all the time, the emotional flash backs stopped. But it still took a long time to heal, to accept/realise I was strong enough to survive. CBT did nothing for me, but I was quite a complex case. Sending Hope & strength to you

A minimum you'll probably need 8 sessions, could be up to 12-16, obviously it's hard to tell. X

I’m so exhausted but my brain won’t switch off. I know even when I do finally fall asleep for a bit I’ll wake up and the trauma will be there and it’ll hit me all over again! I don’t know how to make it stop!

im shaking. My jaw hurts from clenching my teeth together. I’m trying to do calm breathing but it’s not working.

Ive had another day of barely eating anything. I just can’t stomach it. But then I feel faint and shaky which isn’t going to help!!

I’m so upset. This is my life now and I just can’t bare it. I feel tortured.

Download the apps Headspace or Calm - mindfulness saved my life.

Thank you I’ll try that now

I managed some broken sleep. I’m so tired. It’ll be another day of pretending I’m ok around the kids and then crying in a different room. I’m dreading Monday, weekdays means I have to parent, school runs and being friendly to all I meet. I don’t want Monday to come round I desperately don’t. There’s triggers all around me but especially when I go out. How do I get through each day?

Im so sorry to offload. I’m lying here shaking

Offloading is fine, that's a massive chunk of this board

Some broken sleep is better than nothing, and I'm sure that was hard-earned. I hope today isn't too difficult.