PTSD - will I be like this forever?

[Pleasehelpstruggling]

I’m currently sat here sobbing my heart out. I have PTSD and I can’t cope with the guilt, shame, embarrassment, regret I feel. I have flashbacks of the trauma. I can’t eat or sleep, when I do get some sleep I wake up in a panic and it hits me all over again.

I am in such a state I don’t know how I’m ever going to get over it. I just want to sleep forever.

is there any hope that I will get better? Is there a way to live with guilt and shame? I can’t see a way out of this hell I’m feeling.

I can’t talk to anyone about my PTSD. Some know what happened but don’t know the extent or that Its affected me so badly. Others don’t know the truth. I’m absolutely distraught. I force myself to put on a brave face, times when I will see people on the school run or when I’m trying to parent, the rest of the time I’m sobbing, i try not to let the kids see me like this, but I quietly cry just putting the washing on. At night I’m in tears and shaking and my heart races. I don’t work as I can’t cope. Panic attacks are often.

can anyone please help? I can’t afford private help, and my GP surgery has people I know working there so they’ll access my file in future and I can’t bare the added shame of them knowing I have this. I have destroyed my life, how do I get over this??

Please talk to me or one of my colleagues in the UK (I can send you a list) - any one of us could stop you feeling this way.

Someone else here with ptsd. Many years if different counselling and therapy didn't help. In the end, it was hypnotherapy (can get an mp3 recorded so doesn't require lots of face to face sessions) and then emdr. You don't even need to articulate the trauma for emdr to work.

Also propanalol and sertraline and in immediate crisis, Valium

I have ptsd.

I found sertraline very helpful.

I didn't realise I had PTSD and went to my GP about anxiety (which I was also very ashamed of.). I've been on the sertraline a while and it is really helping.

How long ago did the trauma happen? The first six months after I was assaulted were the worst but I did get through it and, years later, don’t often have PTSD symptoms anymore.

The feelings of guilt and shame are the emotions that strike me as something you need to try and move past. You say your actions didn’t effect anybody else, so why do you feel so much guilt? I feel like surely what you did can’t be that bad? I don’t mean it can’t have been traumatic and am not trying to dismiss your feelings, which sound very real, but it sounds like you are taking blame for something and feeling guilt for something that hasn’t hurt or effected anybody on top of dealing with the trauma. Are you able to share what you’ve done anonymously somewhere and talk it through? Maybe you could name change and start a new thread about it here, or go to another anonymous site? If your husband thinks your feelings are disproportionate I’m thinking that you will probably find if you talk about what happened you will find lots of supportive people who will likely reassure you with stories of things they have done wrong that they have gotten over. When we hold onto things in our own heads often they can become much bigger and feel far more awful than they are, I wonder if you need some perspective with regards to how awful you feel about what you’ve done? Your husband has stood by and supported you, if what you’d done was truly so awful I doubt he would have done that.

It happened a few months ago. I can’t bring myself to say what happened but it was my fault. I am filled with hate towards myself and deep deep shame. Small village living means people know about it, it has a knock on effect. Leaving the house is the worst.

I do have a childhood trauma, and I think that triggered my anxiety which I talked through in cbt. In the grand schemes of things that childhood trauma is worse on paper, but this one hurts more and has effected me more. My feelings are overwhelming, I feel like I’m being tortured. Perhaps it’s because I’m to blame this time? This as it is feels like hell.

@Pleasehelpstruggling something that will help short term that is very quick & effective is the basic exercise, I understand how you feel & doing this might make you anxious but please try it, it’s been a life saver for me as like you I suffer with various conditions including fearing taking any medication etc. The basic is something that can be done in minutes that will reset & relax your sympathetic nervous system, it is a life saver for me, a very gentle exercise that can be done easily & quickly, I now do it sitting up also good at night lying down if you can’t sleep.

I’ve just started this for childhood trauma and it’s been totally amazing. Really changing my life. I would really recommend this. My Doctor Signposted me to it but you should be able to self refer Op.

People who get PTSD after a traumatic event often have earlier trauma too. Toxic shame runs through my family. You can improve this but I suspect you will need professional help.

As a childs brain has not yet fully developed the experience of repeated early trauma will be different to a one off trauma experienced later on in life in a fully developed adult brain, trauma creates problems with early childhood brain development which makes recovery from PTSD incredibly difficult as damage has occurred. Try compassion to yourself for shame, try not to internally berate yourself, easier said than done I know.

This might be helpful to you for helping with shame

Sorry you are gong through this. Self-torture is awful to live with.
I won't pry about what happened (though in my head I am wondering if it is as bad as you feel it is, for example telling one of your children off in public) but your husband says it's not as bad as you think. I encourage you to open up with the support network/charities/helplines and begin to break this feeling down, there are obviously mental associations with your own childhood going on.
Not quite the same, but I lived with domestic abuse for 25 years and was terrified to tell anyone - crazy, I know now, but I was so afraid of being judged. Once I started to open up, I had nothing but help and support and no blame ever. and I am living a different life now, honestly I think I would have been dead from violence or suicide if not.

Just a thought, the first therapy I did was CBT which made me worse, it isn’t effective for some things. I suffered a catalogue of traumatic events as an adult which triggered my childhood trauma which my brain had compartmentalised.

Hi OP, I don't know where you are located but if you are in England you can self refer for talking therapies through IAPT www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-a-psychological-therapies-service/

I did this and was able to access EMDR treatment for PTSD. It was truly life changing for me and I am so grateful for my amazing therapist.

Thank you for your support and for the video links they’re very helpful.

It was something that happened in public yes, essentially an accident but embarrassing and avoidable and totally and utterly me to blame.

I never knew it was possible to feel so bad. When my anxiety was at its worse I thought that was debilitating, but this is on another level.

I’ve done a self referral online for some NHS support, so I’ll wait and see when they contact me and what they can offer. I suppose it’s a first step. But I do think I need help now. Maybe I do need medication and will just have let the side effects do their thing. My health anxiety will be in overdrive but what’s another emotion in all this!! I suppose my guilt and shame can’t get any worse so maybe I do just speak to the GP and not think about who sees my records in future ??

I’m sorry you are experiencing this. May I suggest the book The Body Keeps the Score. It’s a very insightful and gentle read about trauma and different ways of treating it. I haven’t had EMDR, but have been reading about it.

Do you do any type of physical exercise? I do a lot of yoga. I find it enormously helpful as I can switch off mentally during a class as there is a lot of focus on breathing and on the pose. I think it’s helped to release a lot of tension I’ve held. Anything involving regular physical movement and activity may be something to look into.

Wishing you well.

I used to enjoy running and walking the dogs but since this I’ve found it difficult to leave the house. I do so when I have to like taking the kids to school or to their activities/friends, but I try to stay home as much as I can.

I can’t seem to concentrate enough to read a book at the moment, but thank you for the recommendations. Perhaps a podcast or audible versions I might be able to handle if anyone has any recommendations? Maybe something that talks about guilt and shame as they’re the things that’s overwhelming me the most.

When do flashbacks stop? Will they stop? I end up in a sheer panic each time

There are some hypnosis tracks on Spotify that might help

You can get the book I suggested on Audible.

I really love This Jungian Life podcast.

Tried to keep my mind busy with other things today but oh there’s just so many reminders. I managed to eat a bit though, so that’s a positive. Weekends seem easier.

Im dreading tomorrow I really don’t want to face the world. I wonder if I’ll get any sleep tonight. It won’t be long now before I’m shaking and panicking.

I’m going to try the Spotify hypnosis tracks later, thank you for the recommendation. And I’ll search the podcast too thank you