Can you give me advice?

[Askingforadvice78]

I am plagued with thoughts of killing myself. Whilst I don't really plan to do this, I do know how I would do it. I don't think I would because I lack the courage to do it, as opposed to feeling happy enough not to do it.

I wondered if anyone had any advice about what to say to a medical professional about this.

The thing is, I'm getting really tired of feeling this way. It's been this way for most of my life - although I do have pockets of happiness. I am better when my mind is put to use and distracted. I am a teacher. I read a lot.

It's just that at the moment I feel like I could cry most of the time. I am 44 years old and I wondered if maybe my thoughts had got worse because of the peri-menopause. I wondered if anyone had experience of that?

I'm on half term right now so I was hoping to get an appointment next week (as I am still off).

I feel a bit sad that I'm not bothered about living or dying. But ultimately I don't care and I suppose I do care, because I don't want to end my life, really.

Any comments gratefully received as I have no one in real life I want to share this with. Thank you.

Just bumping, hoping for some advice.

Do speak to your GP. Some of this sounds like depression and some like intrusive thoughts (I think that’s what it’s called.)

I hope your GP will be able to help. Just say what you have said here - it will be something she/he has heard before and will know how to deal with for you.

Please speak to your GP you matter it's ok not to be ok 💐

Sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there too. You sound overwhelmed and exhausted and full of grief, and that’s all okay to feel.

I know it doesn’t feel okay, because otherwise you’d feel a lot more comfortable in your body.

In my experience wanting to die thoughts happened because I was simply too overwhelmed with feelings. Dying seems like to only logical way out at the time, the only way to escape from feelings.

But the other way is to move through the feelings, bit by bit, preferably with someone who can be with you while you feel them all.

Joy and contentedness and a sense of purpose do start to return naturally when you’ve worked through the sadness.

I’m not sure I can really advise anything, other than to get professional help like therapy, and to simply tell them about your thoughts. Anyone trained will understand. ‘Suicide ideation’ is the term used when you have thoughts but no intention to follow through.

It seems very reasonable that menopause could exacerbate things, but also capacity to tolerate and feel our feelings can be built at any time in life, and it sounds like this is probably deeper and a more longer term experience than to have been caused by the menopause? Is it possible you have some early childhood trauma? Have a google of emotional neglect and see what resonates.

Feel free to message or ask other questions if you want.

Anti depressants may help but what you describe sounds like ‘suicidal ideation’

also consider if there’s a pattern to your thoughts and look up PMDD

do contact your gp though to see what they think of it all

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

It's just that at the moment I feel like I could cry most of the time. I am 44 years old and I wondered if maybe my thoughts had got worse because of the peri-menopause. I wondered if anyone had experience of that?

Yes, I became far more anxious and tearful. Have been much better since going on HRT.

My very best friend in the world feels exactly like this. It's heartbreaking. She describes like you do, little bits of happiness but the rest she's just masking and pretending to the world that she's OK. She had cbt which she didn't think was very helpful but it was via video so not sure if it would have been better in person.
She's the kindest most thoughtful person I've ever met and she's talented and creative. I'd saw my legs off to make her better.
Have you any family or friends op? I'm so sorry you are feeling like this.

I just said pretty much exactly that. Just tell them exactly what you said here. Its not unusual to feel like that.