how do you leave the house when you look awful

[contramundum]

Today I couldn't leave the house because everything I put on made me look pregnant (I'm not). Skinny jeans make me look like a cornetto from the side. Mum jeans / baggier jeans make me look even bigger. my stomach is bigger than my tits so really bad. Wearing a skirt makes me feel silly and frumpy. I have an ugly face - big nose, big staring wide set eyes. Thin frizzy sh*t hair. Never been a pretty or beautiful person.

part of the problem today was I was meeting some other women who are all much thinner and much prettier than me. I feel ashamed of myself in their company. I had a major panic attack ended up hyperventilating on the floor.

So, wise women, how do you leave the house when you are / feel ugly and awful? How do you feel confident when there's nothing to feel confident about? and, to settle a debate between me and my DH, when you walk into a room / are in a crowd, do you always check to see whether you are the ugliest or fattest? I do, and think others do too probably.

(btw I'm not looking for weight loss or looking better advice - ironically I'm probably at the thinnest I have been for many years (size 12/14 and 5ft 8). And in terms of looking better, it would be polishing a turd)

Sounds like body dysmorphic disorder.
Half of the population are overweight or obese so you must have disproportionately skinny friends.

Everyone has their own securities they are focusing on rather than anyone else.

Have you spoken to your gp about this?

Can you get yourself two outfits that you feel fine in and wear them when you have to go out to meet people?

If you look like a cornetto, sounds like you're wearing skinny jeans. Hateful fashion that was around way too long and made anyone who isn't skinny look like parsnips. Get some straightlegged dark indigo jeans or some dark cords, a loose but shaped top in a colour that works with your skin tone, and then add some layers that are beautiful in themselves - a gorgeous knit or pendant.

Add a tiny drop of conditioner to dry hair at the ends to defrizz it (but not at the roots where it would look greasy.

Add some natural lipstick and some fresh perfume.

I have had days - many - when I feel like you, and I get so tired of meeting friends and they all compliment each other's outfits or hair and then just say, 'Hi lovely to see you,' to me because there's nothing to compliment. But when they say, 'Lovely to see you,' they do mean it.

Try and focus on what you are doing rather than how you look. And do some self compassion worksheets like the ones here

This seems very severe. Hyperventilating on the floor. I think you need to seek some counselling and get some help, this isn’t right.

You only get one body and presumably everything is healthy and functions correctly, which is more than what some people have.
You sound very negative as a person and this will be more noticeable than any of your perceived flaws.

I literally have 0 care about what others think, I have rosacea and terrible hair, toddler needed calpol so I jumped in the car and went to the shop - he is my priority not whether my face is red and angry,

you are married and have close friends, these people all love you.

and no, when I walk in a room I look around 1) to see who I know and 2) scope out bar and toilets - not what others look like or are wearing

If I really think about it i'm probably the least attractive person at work and in my social group. But it makes no difference. I don't place value on how people look. It makes no difference to how much I like them or how much I want to spend time with them.

If people want to look nice, great. Often i make a big effort to look nice. That's great too. But none of that has a bearing on what sort of human they are.

I don't remember hwo wore what or how thin someone was after I meet them. I remember of they were interesting, kind, fun, funny or a prat.

Two things.

1. You do not owe anyone an obligation to look attractive. That's crap. Sexist, patriarchal crap. You can go out there looking like shit and fuck 'em- they can look the other way if they are bothered. My mum does in fact enter a room and check out whether she is more attractive, better groomed etc than anyone in it. She's not a very nice person. She despises Miriam Margolies and Jo Brand for not making enough effort to fit conventional beauty standards. She's not a very nice person, as I say.

1. I'd be really surprised if you are in fact as unattractive as you fear. As a PP says, half the world is overweight. Your numbers sound very typical to me. I don't think anyone else is looking at you in surprise at your frizzy hair and sticking out tummy. If they are, then fuck 'em (see point 1).

I too suspect you have dysmorphia, and I empathise. I used to see a classic mug shot when I looked in the mirror. A genuinely scary looking, criminal looking thug. Eyes too small, lips too big, scare the children kind of face. It was my illness, not reality. I went to some effort to correct my appearance to avoid frightening people. How ridiculous was that? I'm just normal looking.

. Try talking to your friends about how they look. I bet they list all the flaws they worry about, and you never even noticed. I have heard Julia Roberts and Nicole Kidman fret about their poor looks- Julia's mouth, Nicole's hair, how skinny and gangly they are... when you hear that, you realise that it isn't real. It's all in our minds.

You can talk yourself out of this, in the same way that you accidentally talked yourself into it (possibly with someone else's help).
Look at yourself and find a feature you like. Maybe the colour of your eyes. Say 'I've got lovely colour eyes, and a kind smile'. Say that several times a day, looking in the mirror. Add in extra features- a cute nose, say. Whenever you notice yourself criticising your own appearance, remind yourself 'but my eyes are a great colour, and my nose is cute'.

Honestly!

I used to be really self conscious....really aware of how I looked and probably looked really rigid and uptight....best (proper Yorkshire) advice I was given was to remember that in reality (unless youre some kind of celebrity) nobodys looking at you....youre not that important! Hard to hear but very true....as soon as I realised that it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders....nobody cares....and you shouldnt either....free yourself....

I try and remember a time when I've seen someone else looking really awful and honestly it's fucking hard for two reasons:

• Nobody scrutinises other people the way they scrutinise themselves because it would make them an absolute dick and usually the least interesting thing about someone is the way they look.
• most people are generally average with some flaws and some nice bits, what's interesting is the flaws and nice bits will be totally different depending on who you ask. Very few people in the world are very beautiful or very ugly. Luckily everyone likes different things in a person or only 1% of people would ever get a shag.

Anyone who notices how great you are as a person doesnt care how you look either....as for the rest of them....their opinion should be insignificant to you....front it out....love yourself....be confident and dont give a shit about what everyone else thinks....that, in itself, is attractive....much love....x

I never check out a room to see who is ugliest/fattest. That would never occur to me. It’s a very odd mindset to think that way. I never think I’m ugly/fat -ever. I just don’t think that way. My body is technically and medically “deformed”, but I never think I’m ugly. On the contrary, I tend to think I look nice. I don’t wear makeup at all or do my hair, particularly.

The only thing you can do is actually get out of the door and focus on other people and not yourself. The more you're out and about the less time you'll have to think about your perceived shortcomings.

Somewhere along the line you started to focus on yourself negatively. It's just thoughts, but they can be really powerful. We tend to think our thoughts are facts. They're not really though. The stronger you think something is true is more a function of how often you have had that thought, so it's strengthened that particular neural pathway, than its believability.

Work on changing your self talk. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good. Occupy yourself with activities that boost your self esteem. Write down three positive things about yourself, or things that you've done every day.

Thank you for taking the time to respond all.

@SarahR2022 I do get the whole no-one else cares / is focused on themselves. And yes, I know I need to just suck it up and think f*ck it, one life an all. I don't know where to summon up the confidence or courage for it. I just feel so awkward and disgusting next to my friends who are just all gorgeous and slim and slip into any clothes. While I'm sure they do have insecurities, they DO look amazing. I would give anything to look and be different.

Re body dysmorphia - I just don't think it can be that. I am NOT thin. I am NOT pretty. No-one (other than DH who would never be mean enough to be honest) has ever complimented me like that, not even on my wedding day so there is definitely truth in what I'm seeing in the mirror.

I am however going to look Into straight legs jeans. Maybe they will be the miracle I need..

Could you be depressed? Or peri menopausal?
Never in my life did I walk into a room and checked who’s the ugliest/fattest. Why would I?

I can’t paint but a lot of my friends do. And they’re good at it. It doesn’t mean I compare myself and my lack of skills with them. I don’t go round for coffee and think: oh, I bet they’re judging me cause I’m not an artist. Yes we do talk about art, yes I do want to see what they are working on, no, I have nothing to show to them. I can’t paint.
We talked about creativity a lot, with me saying I’m not creative. But then I thought: I must look into it, what can I do, that’s creative? Turns out I’m not bad at photography, but I had no idea. I learnt, I got a good camera. I still wouldn’t compare my photos with their paintings, they’re two different things, but we do talk about the creative process etc.

In your case, from what you are saying, you think your clothes disadvantage you. Your friends know how to do it effortlessly. Talk to them about it, what do they think would suit you, what’s a good hair treatment in their experience etc.

Hat, sunglasses and red lipstick. Look at Magenta Devine. It's Joan Collins go to as well

Ditch the skinnies!!! Or wear a huge baggy hoody on your top half so you have a bit of a comfort blanket and a contrast with the skinny legs.

Wide leg, straight leg or high waisted slightly flared. I'm an 18 right now and short. Just about how you rock it - I do an alternative/grungey vibe. Mens huge flannel with black tshirt under and baggy jeans. Instant comfort outfit as not too tight and I feel hidden.

When I am depressed and awful about my appearance it's just a reflection of where I am mentally usually - so I do some x beauty self care x pluck my brows, tinted moisturiser, dye my brows a bit darker, lots of jewellery and hair scraped back in a bun
Add some biker boots/converse then you look styled

Never feel ashamed for how you look

Most people don't assess rooms like that at all

Hair masks, satin pillowcase, silicone and sulphate free shampoo, the ordinary skincare, bit of exercise to boost mood and bring energy

I still think your attitude is very odd. I would call it body dysmorphia. Anyone who regards their body as “disgusting” has problems. That is not a normal attitude. It is also noticeable that you are linking/muddling how you look with how you feel, how you are. “I would give anything to look and be different.” “I just feel so awkward and disgusting…” Being different, being not awkward aren’t really related to how you look. Confidence, style, wit, kindness, interests and thoughts etc have nothing to do with looks.

If I look in the mirror and I don’t like how I look then I veto my own opinion. I say “you’re opinion doesn’t count today” and ignore my own stupid inner voice.

the most important reason to ignore your mean voice telling you back things is because literally NO ONE CARES how you look. Everyone is so wrapped up thinking how they do or don’t look like a Cornetto to worry even briefly about what you look like.

Got to admit I either so dressed up to the nines to go on a night out (once in a blue moon) then the polar opposite the rest of the time, I drop the kids off and don’t care if I’ve got a stain on my jumper and my hair isn’t even brushed. However I’ve just had this conversation with my friend and she said even if she’s not going out that day she will put a full face of make up on

I just am at a stage in life where I care 0 what people think.

So true. I find women who obsess about their weight and looks so shallow. Give me someone who is good company and has a sense of humour any day.

This seems very extreme to me.

I don't rank the attractiveness or size of women in a room, it's not something I notice. I might think "oh that woman looks lovely" or I "like her coat" but I wouldn't think "wow that person is fat".

Tbh I look the same every day and I don't care what anyone else thinks about my apparence.... It's just my face.

I'm no expert but it sounds like you have extremely poor self esteem

If you are a 12/14 then you are smaller than the average woman in the UK so, as others have suggested, you seem to have a rather distorted view.
But looks REALLY don't matter - would you really want to be friends with people who are so shallow that they only care about looks?
Most of us look very ordinary, and it just doesn't matter in the slightest. People matter for themselves, not their appearance.

It sounds like you are hyper critical of your body. I'm a similar size and the largest of my friends with some 'striking ' features, they look incredible, I look clean and inoffensive 😆

I do think about it and wish I looked different, but other than losing weight which I just cba with there's not much I can do and I know that no one else in the world much cares what I look like.

Have you thought about cbt? Seems a good fit for these sort of situations?

Fwiw I try to be aware of my advantages. I am aging very well, have a good marriage, financially stable, generally good physical and mental health. I'm aware that not all of those apply to my friends.

You’re suffering with anxiety and panic attacks which is manifesting as a fixation on your perceived physical flaws.

You need to address that with your gp or via private treatment.

There are no fashion tips that can help.
I really hope you can find the inner happiness you crave x

Agree with pp, a course of CBT may help you enormously x