how do you leave the house when you look awful

[contramundum]

Today I couldn't leave the house because everything I put on made me look pregnant (I'm not). Skinny jeans make me look like a cornetto from the side. Mum jeans / baggier jeans make me look even bigger. my stomach is bigger than my tits so really bad. Wearing a skirt makes me feel silly and frumpy. I have an ugly face - big nose, big staring wide set eyes. Thin frizzy sh*t hair. Never been a pretty or beautiful person.

part of the problem today was I was meeting some other women who are all much thinner and much prettier than me. I feel ashamed of myself in their company. I had a major panic attack ended up hyperventilating on the floor.

So, wise women, how do you leave the house when you are / feel ugly and awful? How do you feel confident when there's nothing to feel confident about? and, to settle a debate between me and my DH, when you walk into a room / are in a crowd, do you always check to see whether you are the ugliest or fattest? I do, and think others do too probably.

(btw I'm not looking for weight loss or looking better advice - ironically I'm probably at the thinnest I have been for many years (size 12/14 and 5ft 8). And in terms of looking better, it would be polishing a turd)

I wish people would stop chucking random diagnoses around. It’s not helpful.

Op, Do you have children?
What would you say to them if they felt like this about themselves?

I wish people would stop chucking random diagnoses around. It’s not helpful

I think it’s pertinent to suggest reasons behind op’s issues.

It seems plainly obvious that someone who describes themselves as “disgusting” and has “major panic attacks” leaving them hyperventilating on the floor unable to leave the house needs support with whatever is causing that level of self hatred and trauma.

Considering conditions such as body dysmorphia, depression and anxiety is an extremely helpful perspective and could be key to equipping op with coping mechanisms to alter her mindset?

I suppose another thing I would say is that physical exercise is good for both physical and mental health....there are things you could change about your appearance....if youre unhappy with your body then it is possible to do something positive and make a change....its likely to make you feel more confident and improve your self respect....dont worry about the things you cant change but focus and act upon the things you can change....

Op what is your character like?

As for what to wear have a look at straight leg or boot cut yoga pants, wear with a black vest and a nice shirt or cardigan over to give you a slim silhouette.

I think very few people do judge and that those that do aren't nice of worth my pain.

I also try to remember that no matter we look like, or what our life looks like we all have problems. Mental health issues, ill health, divorce, horrible parents, bullying bosses, SEN family members - they come for us all.

About the cornetto thing (small bum/hips, big boobs here) just go for straight legs 😉 not skinny not loose

When I don't feel like getting out of the house I tend to pick something more classic, plain (not very fashionable or sexy). And put my hair in a ponytail (sometimes I can't stand it being on my face). See how you feel

You can do this!!! 👍

I have no beauty routine or fashion conscience and am much bigger than you. I aim for wearing appropriate clothing and I make sure my body and the clothes are clean and tidy. Yes I look at others and feel down sometimes but then I admit I can always find someone who looks worse than me! My husband and I use the phrase "I won't scare the horses"! I won't stand out looking fabulous but also I don't look a mess.

to settle a debate between me and my DH, when you walk into a room / are in a crowd, do you always check to see whether you are the ugliest or fattest? I do, and think others do too probably.

I have literally never done this. To compare others' level of attractiveness to my own is not generally something that I do.

I do sometimes feel a bit out of place if everyone else is dressed nicely, make up, hair done properly etc and I'm my usual scruffy self. But this is relating to other issues for me rather than appearance.

I open the door and walk out.
Doesn't matter what I look like - I am not looking at me after all!
A big smile silences any critics.

Oh come on now, size 12/14 and 5’8 and you claim you are always the fattest in any room no matter where you go! That simply cannot be true so you must have a warped self-perception. I’m just on 5’ and size 18 on a good day/roomy clothes and I can honestly say I’m rarely the only one of this size wherever I go, wide variety of places. The obesity epidemic is true. I will never look thin but buy brands specifically for plus size that don’t cling to lumps/bumps and hang decently from your body.

I have never in my life checked to see if I am the ugliest or fattest in the room. Leaves me flabbergasted that anyone would do this.

I feel like this so many days when I go to work, it doesn't seem to matter what I wear or how much effort I make, there's times I feel that I'm just a crumpled scruff with lank hair and a big fat face.

One thing I have noticed though, is that people don't treat me any differently on the days that I look like a sack tied in the middle to the days I look half decent - I'm not sure if it's because actually, I don't look any different, or because people ignore/see past it. I'm always clean and wear body spray/perfume too. I'm grateful for that whichever it is and once I get going, I forget about it and either enjoy my social time or get on with my job.
I try to remember that when I'm having a melt down in front of the mirror getting ready.

Many smaller people are probably envious of you with your 5' 8" as that's a great height for carrying off clothes. I never scan a room wondering if l am the fattest etc. My problem is l was 8 stone 30 years ago and in my mind l still am even though l am nearer to 12 now. I When l am with my friends we are so busy chatting l never, genuinely never, think if they are fat or thin and very seldom notice what they are wearing unless it's something that catches my eye.
It's lovely you have women to meet up with. I am sure they appreciate your company and couldn't give two hoots how you look. So walk in head high in your beautiful 5' 8" body.
Saying that l have a tall friend who had no confidence and she took a pilates class. I hadn't seen her for a while and bumed into her on the street and for a few moments couldn't work out what was different. Then realised she was standing tall and looked so well . She was over the moon about the pilates and the difference was obvious.

I feel for you OP- this sounds really difficult and upsetting.

My MH is not particularly great but for some reason other than being clean I've never been able to give a toss about how I look or the clothes I wear.

So I guess over the years the good friends that I've made are people who accept me for who I am and for whatever reason don't create a dynamic where I feel that I have to 'make an effort'.

The exception to this, and where I struggle is where there is a very definite requirement to look a certain way or 'dress up' like a wedding or a black tie do. These occasions feel uncomfortable for me and I try to make an effort.

Past partners (plus my mum ) all tell me how much better I look when I make an effort or am skinny but it makes no difference and to me that feels like a shallow attitude. I think my mum thinks my attitude is a sign of poor mental health and a lack of self respect she spends hours and hours and a lot of money on her appearance and can't leave the house without looking her best- I don't want to be like that so maybe I've gone too far in the opposite direction.

My husband hasn't ever said anything about it . Maybe he thinks it deep down- who knows?

I marvel and wonder at people who spend time and effort to look amazing. I'm particularly amazed at people who do this day in and day out when they have crazy busy or difficult lives.

Maybe I'm odd!

Sorry OP this has turned into a ramble and hasn't answered your question!

One of my favourite friends doesn't, frankly, look good at all. She doesn't put any effort into hair, face, clothing or shape, and she wasn't - charitably - blessed by genetics in the first place. But she's everyone's first choice of who to hang out with and be around because she makes everyone feel special, like they are fascinating and wonderful and she's thrilled to be around them, and people always come away from spending time with her feeling great about themselves. She has a real gift for this and I'm not sure if it's something everyone can emulate, but remember OP that people will never remember how you looked or what you said but they will always remember how you made them feel. If you can focus less on the visible stuff that truly isn't important and more on the emotional stuff that is, that might help you feel less down on yourself.

I am probably autistic. I don't think about how I look. I just need to feel comfortable. I don't notice what other people are wearing very often.

I get very stressed and cross when having to dress 'fancy' to events like weddings. Nothing suitable is EVER comfortable. It seems so unfair my DH can wear his kilt every time. I do now wear trainers to weddings which means my feet are comfortable at least!

I just…leave the house?

I am v fat and somewhat disheveled right now, stomach very firmly ahead of tits, hair embraced frizz.

I do plan to improve on this but for sure no one else gives a shit, and most of what I do in life (do my job, be a friend, go shopping etc) isn’t influenced by my appearance. Sometimes I do notice I am the fattest / scruffiest person in the room, but not always.

I think you need to take a realistic look at the people around you, and you will see many scruffy and fat.

Your problem is not your looks it’s anxiety and low self esteem. Go chat with your GP and try some CBT.

Thank you all. I have read all of your posts. I really appreciate the time people have taken and the experiences you've shared.

For those who made suggestions around mental health / anxiety - you are not wrong. I am a very anxious person. I am recovering from a very traumatic birth about a year ago. I was previously in an abusive relationship - and yes he made comments about my weight. These things undoubtedly have an impact on me, but I see the issue with my appearance as a lifelong one - I have never felt at ease or confident or happy in my body and my looks.

I have really valued those who have talked about how they leave the house and the value in who you are not how you look. If I think about it, I do know this to be true - that beauty is within not external. However on bad days, I think having a 'go to' outfit that makes me feel good (or at least acceptable) seems like a practical solution. On that...I need to try on some straight jeans!!!!

I do do quite a lot of exercise. My husband thinks on the verge of obsession - but I find it is a way to get my body to do something positive and it quietens the anxiety.

Someone asked about my character - I'm probably not the best person to ask. I have become in the last two years a much more negative and pessimistic person ( a series of awful events have left me thinking..well the worst DOES happen so best prepare for it). So yeh..probably not a joyous person to be around, but I don't feel joyful about much (anything).

I'm doing the right stuff re mental health (medication, counselling). Maybe it'll help. What it feels like is that I need an attitude overhaul to recast my life as positive and good not constantly negative and difficult.

My husband told me that I look gorgeous when I smile. Now I know it’s not because I have amazing teeth, so I can only assume it’s because it lights my face up. So when in doubt, I smile (not in a manic way though😁).

@contramundum

I have become in the last two years a much more negative and pessimistic person ( a series of awful events have left me thinking... well the worst DOES happen so best prepare for it)
The other way to look at this is 'well, really shit and unpleasant stuff has happened, but I'm still here, so that must make me a strong and resilient person.'
I agree with PPs' suggestions about some external therapy, but if you are interested in self-reflection, I recommend reading up on the Japanese concept of 'wabi sabi' - a world view (derived from Buddhist tenets) centred on the acceptance of transience and imperfection.

Basically, we appreciate [our] existence because it is 'imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete', rather than in spite of the fact, and that leads us towards self-acceptance.

You might find it insightful.

(Oh bloody hell, why didn't the line breaks work?! Oh well, wabi sabi in action - life mirrors art and all that 😄)

I just don’t care. I don’t value looks or my looks. I don’t care as long as I’m comfy. I wear jeans or leggings with a hoodie or zippy every day. I scrape my hair up in a know and go out and get on with life.

Im so bad my own sister in law had been speaking to me for 40 mins at an engagement doo without realising it was me because I wasn’t out like the scaffies scraped me up.