Everyone hates me

[lovetorun00]

I have crippling social anxiety - before I meet anyone (including those I know well - family and friends!) I get a terrible churning stomach, bad nausea, feelings of absolute dread, diarrhoea, horrible adrenaline rushes and very obvious sweating and blushing. I’m sure that everyone I encounter can see how uncomfortable I am and therefore they automatically dislike me and think I’m a pathetic person who isn’t worth knowing. CBT helped a bit and Sertraline has helped quite a lot but I often don’t manage to get to the doctor for a repeat prescription - they insist on a review every six weeks but life is so busy. I have to put the kids and work first. As a result I’ve had lengthy delays stopping and starting it again.

I can’t shake the feeling of huge self loathing, disgust and absolute hatred of myself. I’m a fucking waste of space.

Op, happy and bubbly people annoy me. I like down to earth people who can have a moan but also enjoy a good cup of tea. People won’t hate you, they will just be aware you’re anxious and won’t quite know how to connect with you. How could somebody hate you if they don’t even know you properly? Also, far more people suffer with social anxiety than you know, I am very outgoing, can socialise with anybody, keep a conversation going but inside I’m calling myself a tw*t and then replay the conversation later- cringing.

Also, I’m not sure about others, but I quite like weird people. They break up the Monotony of everyday socialising.

Your self loathing and self deprecation is not an accurate depiction of your personality, it is very typical of social anxiety. Never believe your anxiety, it is anxiety because it is the symptom of the most distressing situation you could find yourself in. Honestly OP you could be the most inappropriate, weird, socially anxious person going and you would still find people who liked you.

Also, take your bloody sertraline, It is an absolute priority!

People want happy, bubbly and confident friends

Those aren't on my list of what makes a good friend at all. Especially 'bubbly'

I would like kind, thoughtful, quirky, trustworthy, open minded, intelligent friends.

Would your GP do you a phone appointment for your reviews? You could ask the receptionist.

Also, far more people suffer with social anxiety than you know, I am very outgoing, can socialise with anybody, keep a conversation going but inside I’m calling myself a twt and then replay the conversation later- cringing.*

@Julia234 really? I cannot believe anyone who is naturally outgoing would feel that way. That’s such a surprise to me!

Two under two? Yeah that’s a tough period of parenting. Very tough. Don’t be so hard on yourself. That is a lot and can hammer the mood and energy reserves.

People do find bubbly, confident acquaintances easier in general but for friends, authenticity and depth is a beautiful draw.

You’re sensitive - maybe intense? - but there is so much beauty in that.

The bouncy bubblers may well go home to stare at a corner for a while, ruminating on their own issues, imagining they’ve fucked up/been ‘too much in some way.

It’s bizarrely obstructive to make you go in to the surgery every six weeks so maybe check if you can do a phone appointment when you go in next, and stress why. But - if you have to, you have to. Put it on your diary and go in every five weeks so you start to build up a little store so you won’t suddenly run out, for when there may be a delay or missed appointment in future.

Hugs

Hey lovetorun00 I have social anxiety too and can relate. What everyone here is saying is so true and I also think you sound like a cool person purely because you’re NOT bubbly!
You’re right, it is really liberating when you realise that people are thinking about themselves and not you.

I find it helpful that people in the public eye are talking about their mental health struggles - often people who are deemed to be ‘fun’ and ‘bubbly’ - it just shows you that an awful lot of people are not as confident as they seem.
I hope you can sort out the GP situation and get on a medication that works for you.

There's a cute comic out there- when you feel like everyone hates you... sleep.
When you hate everyone... eat!

I find bubbly people a bit annoying actually! I bet you're lovely.

Try finding another doctor who is more flexible, who will at least do telephone visits.

Social skills take training and practice like everything else.

Is your DH doing his fair share?

OP, this is your illness talking, not your rational brain. Prioritise that doctors appointment as a matter of urgency. If you repeat to them some of the things you've said here, such as 'I feel like I’m almost at breaking point - it’s not far off.' then I'm sure they will understand the urgency of the situation.
Once you are back on the medication then hopefully you will see things more clearly again. Because rationally why would your friends hate you, or not want to see you. They are your friends because they love you. If that was the case they wouldn't have made the plans with you in the first place. You need to give your brain a fighting chance to process things.
I get it. I'm prone to anxiety and massively catastrophise, but can talk myself down when I let the rational part of my brain speak up. If I haven't heard from someone for a while my brain can very quickly spiral to assuming they must have died, but I can then start to rationalize that it's more likely they just had a busy day at work and haven't checked their phone. I haven't lost that first instinct but can force myself to listen to a more logical outlook.
Once you have that appointment sorted, remember it has to remain that absolute top priority, because if it doesn't then the things you are trying to put first will all suffer.

It's your anxiety talking! Nobody hates you, no doubt you've probably sat and over thought it and now believe people hate you, but they don't. My friend once told me...'people are too self obsessed/ self absorbed to actually care'. And it's very true! It might feel like people are judging you but they're not.

I could have written this myself a few years ago. I've always been a bit of a nervous person but it didn't have a huge impact on my life, then when I got pregnant it triggered something awful for me. It started with me being convinced that my DS was going to die at any moment, but then it spread to everything else in life too and suddenly I couldn't hold a conversation without choking up and feeling a really strong urge to run away from the situation. I was so embarrassed and ashamed of myself for not being normal, but the harder I tried the more I embarrassed myself and reinforced my own beliefs about how pathetic I was.

I don't really know what 'cured' me, I think a lot of it was lockdown because I finally had the space to just relax and analyse my thoughts and not have to socialise, so I was never in any situations which made me feel like a freak. I practised lots of self care, focused on nice little hobbies that made me happy, and enjoyed spending time with my DS who adored me and wanted to spend all his time with me no matter how weird I was. It's definitely possible to come out the other side. I'm now very confident and much more aware that other people don't have it together the way that I used to think they did. I don't owe anyone anything, nobody is better than me. As long as you're a good person, that's all that really matters.

I've since found out that my pregnancy triggered OCD and that's why I started feeling the way that I did. Do you think that your pregnancies could have triggered something more?

Thanks for flagging this. It's very interesting- I wasn't aware of it. Been wondering for the last year or so if I have undiagnosed adhd. Fits OP's post well.
I think I'm on a waiting list for an appointment but not holding my breath.

@lovetorun00 OP do you think this runs in your family at all?

I think a lot of people could identify with you op

ive noticed that the vast majority of people are interested in them self mostly so in a social situation if you ask them questions about their own life it sort of deflects away from you. Maybe having some ‘stock’ questions/ responses might help so you dont panic.

anyway ( this is a genuine question) does it matter if people don’t like you?
more importantly do you like them?

you can’t like everyone and not everyone can like you - we all deal with that

Op, make it a priority to go to the doctors for your 6 week review! Perhaps once they've seen you for the six week reviews afew times they will extend the time between visits?
It does sound as though your making excuses and then feeling so negative and anxious, but your not giving yourself a chance to get better. If I were you, I'd certainly be going to the doctors for the reviews, no stopping the meds, pick up the next meds before your current ones run out.... Comit to doing this for 6 months, and then you will probably notice a huge difference, and then feel in a better place to continue your medication properly.

The irony is you can't put your kids and work first unless you put yourself first. There is no way it is completely impossible for you to go to the doctor to continue medication that helps you. You need to committ to that and make the time. you can find to e in your schedule for a ten minute appointment, nobody is that busy and you'll no sound be spending a lot of ten minute periods doing nothing at all anyway through smoking and drinking. It's about prioritising. Put your health first then you can put your kids and work first functioning properly.

You’re right. Life just feels so chaotic. But I need to prioritise.

They don't hate you. They barely register you. I don't mean this cruelly. If you overthink (as I used to) it can be so helpful to realise that other people truly aren't thinking about you, You know that old CBT thing - someone you know cuts you dead in the street just as you are giving them a friendly 'hello' and you feel like they hate you. Then you list all the alternative reasons they may have cut you dead:
They are in a desperate hurry - late to pick up kids/catch a train/can't leave their elderly mum on her own too long etc
They too suffer social anxiety and just can't face an interaction today
They are coming down with flu and feel so rough they just want to get home to bed
They have had a shit day and are in a filthy mood and won't inflict it on anyone
they are deep in thought and didn't see you
They don't have their lenses in/prescription glasses on and didn't see you.

Most of the time people are thinking about themselves or their DC, no one else.

For the anxiety - I know a few people who take beta blockers to help them feel calm. You just take one as you need it, so it's better than stop-starting sertraline which really won't help balance your anxieties. Could you ask the doctor about getting a prescription of these?

=/= means is not equal to.

feeling worthless is not equal to being worthless.

you might feel crappy but you’ve got a husband and 2 kids and you are central to their lives. Even if you didn’t have them, you are worthy in your own right.

The things people really value in friendship is loyalty, kindness, thoughtfulness. Not ‘bubbly’. I can hand in heart say I wouldn’t describe any of the people I really love and value as ‘bubbly’.

You do. You really, really do.❤️

I was once a lot like you. I'd heard the phrases 'stupid', 'useless', 'waste of space' on a loop throughout my childhood from my abusive father, to the extent that I internalised them as unassailable fact and started to repeat the same messages to myself.

They were not true. I'm far from stupid: when I freed myself from those negative influences and thought patterns I returned to education and emerged with a PhD. Once you believe you can do a thing, it's easier. It's the thinking you can't which then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I was once a highly anxious, insecure young woman who worried far too much about what people thought of me. The eventual positive outcome for me was treatment for cPTSD. But the good news is, with time and kindness anxiety too is eminently treatable.

Right now it feels hopeless; that things can never get any better, but I promise you, you can. I am living proof.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our mental health resources. You can also go to the www.samaritans.org or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

I know this is an old thread, but if you have always felt socially disconnected from people, it may be worth considering you have a neurodivergent profile (which could include autism). Sometimes it can get liberating for people to know they have this profile, as they can stop masking and beating themselves up for not being like other people, and can really prioritise what is important to them. Also rates of anxiety and depression are higher among neurodivergent people (it's a bit of a chicken and egg thing about the cause, probably). Anyway, it might not be that, and you nsy have pure depression/anxiety, but it is worth considering. I do understand how you feel though, as I came here looking for people who feel like this too. I hope you are OK.