Mum died and I’m overreacting.

[Totalcrash]

My mum died, she was old, with dementia so we knew it was coming. I can’t explain my reaction though, it’s like I’ve woken up, realised everything in my life was crashing and burning. Realised I’ve been depressed and struggling for years. Can’t cope, don’t know what to do. Can’t cope with house or teenagers or Dh any more. It’s not grief, it’s more being slammed in the face with a brick. Don’t want to feel like this, I want things to be on an even keel. I want not to feel overwhelmed by the enormity of everything from the house to the mess to endless struggle. Guess I need someone to say, it’ll be ok!

It will definitely be ok. 💐

When did your mum die?

Can you take some time for yourself?

Visit a friend in another town or just get away by yourself for a night or two?

Of course it will be ok.

Did she die recently?

It might well be grief. It hits us all differently.

It will be ok

Firstly, you’re not overreacting.

I’m sure what you have described are very normal feelings after you lose someone you love.

Don’t be hard on yourself.

Sorry for your loss 💐

As someone who's also lost their mum (albeit I was 21 - however it was expected due to cancer) I think it's very easy to feel like this. It's a sense of loss of control and all of those feelings just seem to make you feel like you have nothing that you actually do.

I think it's just part of the grieving and overthinking process.

It will be okay, and you will get through it. It never goes away, but it gets a little tiny bit easier day but day.

Hope you're okay op, death of a parent is never easy even if it was 'expected' 🤍

Being slammed in the face is a good description. Basically you have been through a hideous time in watching your Mum slowly dissolve in front of you. And you can't throw yourself on the floor sob when that's going on. Now you can.
Go to your GP. I took antidepressants and it was thr best thing for me.

It’s a really big deal. Everything changes when someone close to you dies. Take the time you need to grieve. Don’t give yourself a hard time. Sending you hugs.

Thank yo everyone, it’s so very nice of you to respond. I’m sorry for everyone whose lost someone, especially firsttimemum se nding you a big hug.

I know it’s silly, but how do you grieve? I’m so anxious and worried about everything else that’s going on in my life that I can’t function.

Sorry you're going through this. There is no set way to grieve, it's different for everyone. It does get better, but it takes time. You will get through this, just take it one day at a time.

I just kept going when my dad and then my boss died. The feeling you describe hit me 6 months later and my marriage didn't survive. Having grief therapy (was very lucky that work paid) really helped.

I’m so sorry OP, it’s tough. I lost my mum last year and things do change and in some ways get easier. The way I explained it was that my brain was completely full and therefore life tasks like cleaning/cooking etc had no place in my full brain. More recently I have actually started to enjoy cooking again.

You need support at this time, and hopefully you can get that from those close to you if you tell them how you feel. I will be honest, some of my relationships have only made it through this by a thread. It completely changes your perspective on things, and for me I feel like an entirely different person. Give yourself space and time. You are in no way over reacting.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

You’re not overreacting. This is grief.

When my mum died (also expected) I felt as if no one would ever care for me again or look after me again. Despite having plenty of love around me from my family and my husband. It’s such a primal feeling, that you’ll never have that mother’s love ever again.

Are you working? (If so, get signed off.)

Are the teenagers and husband helpful? (If not, either explain to them nicely you need more because you’re totally overwhelmed or go properly full-on rage at them, if needed.)

Give yourself time, however you possibly can.

Dear OP

Being slammed in the face with a brick describes it pretty well - in my case it was the sensation of walking around a corner and into a wall. It's the realisation (or it was in my case) that there's no older generation now - I'M the older generation of my family.

As for grieving - there are no rules and regardless of what anyone tells you, there's no time by which you should be 'over it' - and if anyone says that you have my permission to punch them. I was sorting through some photos today and had a quiet cry at how pretty my mother was when we were kids and before the alcohol took hold - and she died in 2008. You don't get over it, you live with it.

So sorry to hear about your mum, OP. Do you know about the charity Cruse? They specialise in supporting people who are grieving. You could give their helpline a rlng (www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/helpline/) and they might also have a branch in your local area that offers free counselling.

I lost my brother recently and don't know how to greive him. I have just decide to "let it be". It will come

It will be ok.

It sounds like you are struggling with anxiety and panic. The situation has overwhelmed you and you certainly are NOT overreacting.

I haven’t even lost my Mum but she has been very ill and I can relate in a small way to the level of stress you are feeling. Everything feels overwhelming.
I lost my Dad when I was a young adult and was in a fog for a long time. I didn’t function well at all and couldn’t make decisions or cope with every day challenges.

What did I do? I realised that I was grieving.
I started to look after myself, did the basics and stopped worrying that I wasn’t living up to my own (and other’s) expectations. I let a lot of things go. I went for walks, ate nice food, stayed in and watched films, read books…

I also take 20mg of fluoxetine (Prozac) which stops my thoughts spiralling. It’s like someone is holding my hand. I still feel depressed and anxious but it doesn’t overwhelm me. I can think clearer.

That’s all grief OP. That’s what it does. It’s not a straightforward sense of sadness, it’s a cataclysm that just rips your world open. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Grief affects everyone differently. I just lost my mum and dad within 8 weeks of each other . After arranging funerals and having to clear their flat and sorting finances I now feel wiped out , sort of numb . But also anxious . Keep going over my mums last months which were horrible. I didn’t cry lots . I just feel lost .

You need to take each day as it comes, feel your feelings but do not make any rash decisions. Accept however you feel, whether it feels like ‘grief’ or not, laugh when you want to laugh, cry when you want to cry. You’ll have days in the next few months where you feel pretty okay and days in 10 years where it’ll feel raw and awful and heavy. Grief is not linear and there is absolutely no rulebook.

However, in my experience, my dad died when I was a teenager 10 years ago, terminal illness so we knew it was going to happen, I have never felt as bad as I did in the few months prior to his death. When you know it’s going to happen you sometimes grieve before.

A favourite quote of mine - ‘The reality is that you will grive forever. You will not "get over" the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. you will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same. Nor would you want to.’

Grief is exhausting so you need to rest.

It does get better, and you remember the happy times much more than the sad times.

My advice is to talk about them, cry when you need to, let your family support you. We all go through and it's bloody hard but it gets better.

I'm so sorry. Ask for help. Don't feel you ought to feel a certain way. Be careful of yourself and just ask for help, don't try to explain why you need it.

Thanks everyone. I’m so sorry for your losses. It’s just so..
I’m now taking sertraline. I think it’s all compounded by realising that I’m struggling so much in daily life and mum was the balloon that held me up. I wish I’d been able to see her more but getting there was always challenging. My family are pretty crap, the teens don’t care and Dh is exhausted, so it’s kind of like I’ve been cut loose and crashed into a horrible cold reality.
hugs to everyone

Sending hugs to all, I just recently lost my mum as well as a much adored younger sibling earlier this year. My mum's death has hit me so hard and it was a total shock how upset I've been. I really hope that everyone posting here feels better knowing how crazy the grief is, I have felt alone, unloved, and terrified as someone said, I feel like there's no protective older generation standing between me and death. I feel like no-one will love me like she did, even though she was abusive. I just miss my mum. Collective hugs to all and especially you OP, I hope time heals us all in its own way. XXXX 🤗💐