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Original poster

So stupid but... I'm frightend of going out for lunch

31 replies

listsandbudgets · 04/10/2022 10:56

I recently got to know a school mum and we get on quite well and she suddenly invited me to go out to lunch with her today. I said yes.

Now I don't have many friends partly because I tend to shy away from social things. I'm dyspraxic and have epilepsy and just have this stupid anxiety that I'll shame myself in some way. Sometimes even though the meds are mainly effective and I hardly ever have grand mal seizures now I still get occasional absences - they may only be 10 or 20 seconds but it's embarrassing in the middle of a conversation and then I can forget where I am afterwards for a minute or two. It's ruling my life - If I try to work it's hard because I lose focus with no warning, I've been on buses and forgotten where i need to get off. My co-ordination is awful and I'm always getting lost since dyspraxia seems in my case to come with no sense of direction. LUckily DP is a high earner but I feel so useless and pointless People always ask why I don't drive - obviously I can't but I have to keep explaining.

I'm now wishing I'd said no. She's a really lovely woman and I want to be her friend but I'm sitting here crying because I'm frightened I don't know how to make friends any more and what happens if it all goes wrong.

My life on the face of it is pretty perfect - 2 wonderful children, DP very supportive, materially well off..

but I'm scared to socialise ...

I don't even know why I'm posting. I know I should go - I could get a taxi so I don't need to worry about bus being late I hate being late.

I want to cancel but if I do I'm just turning down a chance of friendship and that won't help me either... should I tell her about the absenses.. I'm sure people think Im just being horribly rude.. what would you think if someone completely blanked out with no warning then seeeemed confused..

I've got to go out in an hour it's too late to cancel...

Sorry this makes no sense... I'm crying

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 04/10/2022 10:59

Go, and tell her about the absences. Be open, you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. If a new friend told me that, I would be interested and sympathetic, end of story!

Original poster
listsandbudgets · 04/10/2022 11:54

Thank you for replying @AtrociousCircumstance . I've decided to go. I've washed my face, brushed my teeth, made sure I've taken meds (I had but don't remember) changed into a clean top , sprayed on perfume and leave in shampoo and brushed and plaited my hair. I'm going to try the bus..

Feel exhausted already Grin Surely basic getting out the house stuff shouldn't drain me like this

OP posts:
MrsJamieDornan · 04/10/2022 11:57

I think you should say about the absences too, but well done for being brave and going and hope you have a lovely time

absolutehush · 04/10/2022 11:58

Go @listsandbudgets

I'm really pleased you're going! I'd just explain to her and I'm sure she'll be lovely about it. It must be really overwhelming to push yourself out of your comfort zone but you're doing so well!

Wallabyone · 04/10/2022 11:59

I'm pleased you're going! Tell her-she likes you enough to have suggested lunch. Hope you have a lovely time.

thisplaceisweird · 04/10/2022 12:00

Thank her for inviting you, explain about the absences, but express how happy you are to be out. And then just relax, let conversation flow, ask her questions, smile and have a good time!

BeautifulElephant · 04/10/2022 12:01

Well-done for deciding to go. Well done for getting ready. Well done for being friendly an approachable enough to get an invite!!

I think you should tell her at the beginning to get it out of the way and then you can get on with enjoying each others company and getting to know eachother. Have fun!!

DoodlePug · 04/10/2022 12:01

Well done you, getting out of the house is the hardest bit!

I hope you have a lovely time.

Sadgirlonatrain · 04/10/2022 12:02

Well done for going! Yes, mention the absences in conversation, and she will be happy that you've let her know. I'm so pleased for you, you should be able to have lunch with a friend and not let epilepsy take over your life. It's part of you, but it doesn't define you. Have a lovely time!

Yesnoormaybe · 04/10/2022 12:09

Op yes agree with pp tell her, then enjoy a lovely lunch and look forward to a beautiful friendship. Xx

Tealpoppy · 04/10/2022 12:13

I used to work with someone who had these kind of absences
he told me about them one lunch break (to my shame I knew nothing about them)
I asked a few questions,he answered them and that was the end of that-he did it a few times and everyone understood he wasn’t being ignorant
well done for getting an invite-she must want to get to know you,just try to relax and enjoy yourself
wishing you the best time and a new friendship

Tootels · 04/10/2022 12:18

I'm Autistic Dyspraxic and have Anxiety. I understand you. I have no advice sorry.

pjani · 04/10/2022 12:25

Well done! And you should definitely tell your new friend this, sharing vulnerabilities is often a good way of developing deeper connections with people. She may be inspired to confide in you one day.

Original poster
listsandbudgets · 04/10/2022 12:32

Thank you all of you.. Im on the bus

Wish I didn't feel so tired.. think it's just the mental effort of doing something perfectly normal!!

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 04/10/2022 12:39

Well done. Just say "I have epilepsy and zone out occasionally I'm not being rude. If she's going to be a friend this shouldn't put her off and if it does put her off then she wouldn't have been a good friend anyway.

Have a lovely time.

SuperJune · 04/10/2022 12:40

Well done OP!! I think you're doing the right thing by going. It's a big step and you should be proud of yourself.

If it helps, I'm fairly confident socially but even so I always think the nerves before the first 'date' with a potential friend rival nerves before a first romantic date! I try to interpret butterflies as excitement.

Enjoy yourself! Smile

nomistake · 04/10/2022 12:40

Tell her, she won't mind and she'll be understanding- most people are good at heart.

WidelyHealth · 04/10/2022 12:57

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starfishmummy · 04/10/2022 13:06

It wouldn't bother me at all if you told me. I know several adults with epilepsy and don't even think of it when we meet up.

BlueChampagne · 04/10/2022 13:10

I hope you have a lovely time, and that next time it won't be so exhausting.

LadyJaneGreyness · 04/10/2022 14:43

@listsandbudgets

Hope it's going well. 😊

Original poster
listsandbudgets · 04/10/2022 17:04

Thank you so much all of you...

I went and we sat and talked for over 2 hours. It was lovely and we're planning to meet up again in in a couple of weeks. It felt very natural and I even managed to stay conscious all the way through. I mentioned the absences and she said they must be really frustrating and that was it. She's really intelligent, interested in many of the same things as me and turned out to have some mutual friends.

Feeling a little bit proud of myself Blush

OP posts:
absolutehush · 04/10/2022 21:05

@@listsandbudgets well that sounds fab and I'm glad you had a lovely time!

She sounds like a lovely person too, just what you deserve. Smile

SalviaOfficinalis · 04/10/2022 21:10

Well done OP!
I would find it stressful meeting a new person for lunch and I don’t have the challenges that you have.
Glad you had a good time.

Lightattheendofthetunnel100 · 04/10/2022 21:15

I read your op this morning listsandbudgets but didn't have time to reply and wow what a great update! So pleased to hear you "felt the fear and did it anyway" 😄 So happy it went well and that you are meeting again!